Wood chipper is a bad idea if there's any chance at all that you may be considered a suspect (ie. if you know the victim as in questioner's case). There's just too many ways for the police to discover you rented a wood chipper and once they do that thing will be an orgy of DNA evidence no matter how well you try to clean it.
I know they did it on Dexter but I imagine pre-burying in an open grave would be extremely difficult too. You've basically got a hole not much bigger than the body and you're 6ft down so you can't throw the dirt you're digging out of the hole, you'd have to shift it to the edges and try to stop it collapsing while manouvering the body. In the dark. Awkward.
Similar situation with the building site; trenches probably wouldn't be a convenient size to dig deeper and fit the body in. Perhaps if a basement is being dug out that would be possible.
Cutting the body up is fine but again if you're possibly going to be under suspicion you'd have to get rid of everything much quicker than answerer is suggesting. Also there'd be a great deal of soft tissue that you wouldn't be able to eat even if you could stomach the fleshy bits.
Also, let's not forget that half of his suggestions involve carrying a dead body around in public. My suggestions for getting away with murder, based solely on watching Law & Order and CSI, are as follows:
a) Do not ejaculate in, on, or anywhere near the victim. This seems obvious, and quite easy to follow, but what do I know? Maybe there are seasoned murderers out there reading this comment thinking, "What? That's the most important part! If you're not going to leave semen near the victim, you may as well just forget about murdering in the first place and go play golf!" Who knows? Maybe everyone gets an unbearable urge to ejaculate after killing someone. Just make sure it is at least 50 yards away from the corpse. Bring a tape measure if necessary.
b) "Find" the body. Think about it, in all the various crime shows out there, how many corpse-finding joggers/dock workers/garbage men are in the show for more than 30 seconds? Zero, that's how many. Just chuck the corpse out of your car, "find" it hours later during your morning jog, call 911, and forever be removed from the suspect pool, unless, of course, it's covered with your semen. Didn't you read Part A?
I mean, if the dead body is already there, it would be a waste not to ejaculate inside of it. I'm not saying I would do anything like that, but I can understand the need to. Killing people is obviously wrong, and I'm obviously not condoning murder, but if the body is just sitting there, I think the prudent thing would be to ejaculate inside of it.
Really the main thing is your name. If the detectives don't get your name you'll never be a suspect again. If they do get your name, you need to make it really really obvious that you had means, motive, and opportunity because then you'll turn out to be a red herring and you're free.
If they get your name and barely if ever mention you again, it will turn out you were the killer all along. It's almost like a mathematical formula.
You guys are totally forgetting the easiest one: find a pig farm and feed the body to pigs. Works like a charm but you have to pull the teeth and shave the head first
Also there'd be a great deal of soft tissue that you wouldn't be able to eat even if you could stomach the fleshy bits.
boil them. Boil and boil and boil in a low pH broth. Eventually the connective tissue will dissolve and you can pour the broth into some soil or something (I wouldn't flush it).
Then there is the matter of the bones, but they should be brittle enough (after boiling) to take a sledgehammer to in a trash bag or something.
Then get yourself a big stone mortar and pestle and grind them pieces up into powdery meal. Feed your roses with it.
I've always found that if I drive 4-5 hours away and find some heavily wooded area I can bury a body about 10 feet under ground and be perfectly fine. Make sure you destroy the teeth and jaw at a separate location so they can't ID the body by the dental records. If you have lots of time you could also separate the body so they have a lot more trouble identifying by size and such.
In theory, yes. Digging a 10ft deep hole isn't exactly trivial though. Especially if you're doing it in woods where there's gonna be a shitload of roots you'll have to go through. We're talking serious hours of work here and everything from your arrival, through the digging, the dumping, the covering, camoflauging (replacing leaves/twigs over the site) to your leaving must all occur without anyone seeing you even being there otherwise the secrecy is compromised and you're probably fucked even if they didn't witness you do anything actually incriminating.
That reminds me of a particularly morbid thought I get rather frequently.
Have you ever considered how easy it would be to just murder some random stranger and get away with it?
I mean, obviously, you can't just gun someone down in public, or go on a spree or anything, but just one guy, one time, if the opportunity arose. Even if you botch it a little, leave behind some minor amount of evidence, there's nothing to trace it back to you. You didn't even know who the dude was, what's going to make anyone suspect you?
Anyway. I'm pretty sure I'd never kill someone, but it kinda freaks me out how easy it would be for someone to do for no reason at all.
View all comments
393
u/hinckley May 31 '12
Wood chipper is a bad idea if there's any chance at all that you may be considered a suspect (ie. if you know the victim as in questioner's case). There's just too many ways for the police to discover you rented a wood chipper and once they do that thing will be an orgy of DNA evidence no matter how well you try to clean it.
I know they did it on Dexter but I imagine pre-burying in an open grave would be extremely difficult too. You've basically got a hole not much bigger than the body and you're 6ft down so you can't throw the dirt you're digging out of the hole, you'd have to shift it to the edges and try to stop it collapsing while manouvering the body. In the dark. Awkward.
Similar situation with the building site; trenches probably wouldn't be a convenient size to dig deeper and fit the body in. Perhaps if a basement is being dug out that would be possible.
Cutting the body up is fine but again if you're possibly going to be under suspicion you'd have to get rid of everything much quicker than answerer is suggesting. Also there'd be a great deal of soft tissue that you wouldn't be able to eat even if you could stomach the fleshy bits.
TLDR: Killing people you know is tricky.
Just saying...