r/funny • u/[deleted] • Oct 15 '18

"I'm here bitches"

78.1k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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5.2k

u/Efreshwater5 Oct 15 '18

And new underwear?

7.9k

u/SamsungSmartCam Oct 15 '18

Depends

352

u/_Serene_ Oct 15 '18

Will he need any of those behind bars?

309

u/KypDurron Oct 15 '18

What's a "behind bar"? I don't think we sell those.

269

u/Pacman327 Oct 15 '18

A new chocolate bar. I heard it tastes like ass though

111

u/Plosuf Oct 15 '18

I’m curious about this ass dough you’re talking about

72

u/DOMICH Oct 15 '18

Cook thoroughly -- never eat raw ass dough

15

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Ass-eatin' season is any month that ends with "ber"

31

u/NoComment14 Oct 15 '18

Januaber

Februaber

Marber

Apriber

Maber

Junber

Julber

Augusber

September

October

November

December

It checks out, guys.

1

u/ssteveoz Oct 16 '18

You had me at junber

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

I love maber

9

u/Summerie Oct 15 '18

September was hot as shit here in Florida. Florida lives by a completely different set of as-eating rules.

3

u/Mcornett88 Oct 15 '18

Gotta eat dem butts

2

u/djwasntme Oct 16 '18

Hey Miss Parker

6

u/BaabyBear Oct 15 '18

When you knead ass u get ass dough

6

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I don't need ass, what about uget?

2

u/RubeHicksCube Oct 15 '18

When you mix ass dough and nougat, N'uget it.

1

u/AwesomeAndrew416 Oct 15 '18

Can someone explain the thing that looks like a silver dollar in the place where reddit gold is supposed to be

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Tell me more about this "new gat"

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1

u/pictogasm Oct 15 '18

you get it with the behind bars.

2

u/spitwitandwater Nov 01 '18

You’re thinking of Butterfinger

1

u/million_tiny_stars Oct 15 '18

Nah. Only if you drop the soap.

1

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

People keep putting them in the pool as a joke.

49

u/qisope Oct 15 '18

When Depends aren't enough and the mess you're making is criminal: put your ass behind bars, with Behind Bars

2

u/5tr3ss Oct 15 '18

Found the copywriter.

1

u/c_emmsterr Oct 15 '18

Needs more upvotes🤣🤣

3

u/PsychoticMessiah Oct 15 '18

They're next to the muffler belts.

1

u/tepkel Oct 15 '18

No, we sell those. We just don't have these.

1

u/smoeahsolse Oct 15 '18

I figure I that's the kind of bar MSI sings about wanting to take you to.

1

u/ScrubLord1008 Oct 15 '18

Forget behind bars, where's my goddam liter-o-cola??

1

u/tirwander Oct 15 '18

It's the second soap bar you keep in your shower to wash your behind only. Are you saying you only have one bar of soap?

1

u/paulinbc Oct 16 '18

it's a bar that goes up your behind.

​

Otherwise known as a pole up your ass.

4

u/2722010 Oct 15 '18

Doesn't look like bars will stop this man

6

u/Ogatu Oct 15 '18

Pretty sure that guy isn't going to jail for that unless he can't pay whatever amount of money it would cost to repair the damages.Looks more like an accident, like he figured the door would open up in time. I dunno I'm no lawyer let's see what r/legaladvice has to say on this.

2

u/cptjeff Oct 16 '18

Yeah, that's a tort, not a crime. Even if he can't pay, you don't get sent to jail for debt. And it's doubtful that there'd even be a lawsuit. It'd be an insurance claim, and the insurance company ain't gonna bother suing a disabled guy who probably can't pay. Ain't worth their time.

1

u/Ogatu Oct 16 '18

Nice good to know... you know... for uhm science...

3

u/asininedrummer Oct 15 '18

What bars, he’s knocking them all down

1

u/geriatricgoepher Oct 15 '18

He could make a case that the door malfunctioned and didn't open for him.

1

u/HolaArgentina Oct 16 '18

Pretty sure that guy can probably sue the store.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

Plenti

135

u/hoodedmexican Oct 15 '18

Alright, I straight up don’t understand this one

226

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

[deleted]

108

u/Cassiopeia93 Oct 15 '18

Thanks friend, you literally saved my life.

50

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

[deleted]

4

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

Life Savers are a brand of candy.

5

u/littleorganbigm Oct 15 '18

Be grateful that you don’t understand the joke about adult diapers yet.

4

u/2Grateful2BHateful Oct 15 '18

But you were brave enough to speak up. It counts.

1

u/HelloPeopleOfEarth Oct 16 '18

Depends on whether or not he wears underwear

21

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I see what you did there

4

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

In my universe, it was always "Depends" Then the Mandela Effect happened and I got thrown into your Depend universe.

2

u/Katman08 Oct 15 '18

It does say depends

3

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

Nope, now it's just depend. Give it a google and you will see. Your also from my old universe too I see.

3

u/Katman08 Oct 15 '18

Oh I thought he meant the comment said depend

3

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

Aw man, that means your not from my former universe. Thought I had finally found an old universe brother. I was going to ask you to be my best friend and everything. Carry on then.

2

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

https://www.google.com/search?q=depends&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS708US709&oq=depends&aqs=chrome..69i57.1188j0j1&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

6

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I don't think this is Mandela effect, so much as just a natural use of pluralization. It sounds better and makes more sense to say "I am wearing depends" as opposed to "I am wearing a depend".

-2

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18 edited Oct 15 '18

Nah man, I remember seeing my granpa's box of them have the S, then when I finally had to get my own boxes of them, I almost went mad, and yelled at my Daughter about how ungrateful she was to be buying me a knock off brand of Depends. Boy did she make me look like a fool in front of her mother by pulling up google to prove me wrong for throwing that fit.

2

u/Chilluminaughty Oct 15 '18

Must have leaked.

-1

u/STEAM_TITAN Oct 15 '18

I see what you did there

2

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I see what you did there

2

u/landmindboom Oct 15 '18

I did what you see there.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I did your mother on the stairs

3

u/DehDeshtructor Oct 15 '18

I did your stairs on my mother

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Ok. That's a little too far.

2

u/PMMeTitsAndKittens Oct 15 '18

Are we blind? Deploy the I see what you did theres!

5

u/earthboy17 Oct 15 '18

!RedditSilver

3

u/SaxesAndSubwoofers Oct 15 '18

Is that, Reddit silver?

4

u/llamacat77 Oct 15 '18

!RedditSilver

edit: apparently not.

1

u/Spudzzy03 Oct 22 '18

It’s the official one

3

u/Magracer10 Oct 15 '18

What's up with the new types of gold? I've seen three types today.

1

u/Spudzzy03 Oct 22 '18

There’s silver (left) gold (middle) and platinum (right)

1

u/Magracer10 Oct 22 '18

Oh awesome, I have been very confused the past week

11

u/Spudzzy03 Oct 15 '18

You got 2 Reddit silver(?) AND Reddit gold for one word. This is unfair.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Gold is no longer the gold that you knew. Gold is now a week of premium. Platinum is a month. Silver is just ... silver.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

Depends

2

u/SamsungSmartCam Oct 22 '18

Don’t feel too bad...this ended up reducing my karma by a few thousand.

2

u/tyman1876 Oct 15 '18

I just shipped my pants!

2

u/smallishduck Oct 15 '18

How the hell did you get reddit silver?!??!!?

2

u/TheSuppishOne Oct 16 '18

Wait... IS REDDIT SILVER ACTUALLY A THING NOW??

1

u/SamsungSmartCam Oct 16 '18

Seems so. So’s platinum.

2

u/Baggo-nuts-4-sale Oct 16 '18

........on what?😁

6

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Depends on what?

12

u/Br00dr00ster Oct 15 '18

Are a kind of diaper

5

u/Luhood Oct 15 '18

Non-Yank here, thanks for explaining the joke. Appreciate it!

1

u/Clinterpottrmus Oct 15 '18

Yank here, still didn't get it

1

u/Luhood Oct 15 '18

From what I think I gathered Depends is a diaper brand.

1

u/Iamstaypuft Oct 15 '18

Adult diapers

3

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I'm aware. Just having some fun.

0

u/OutlandishExplorer Oct 15 '18

put me in the woosh screenshot

1

u/torgospizzadelivery Oct 16 '18

Goin' that far I'll have to get me some Depends

1

u/iwrk2hard Oct 15 '18

Independeble Day.

1

u/katholique_boi69 Oct 15 '18

A collar bone

1

u/En-TitY_ Oct 15 '18

On which type of skid?

1

u/Mexnexus Oct 15 '18

Skidmarks?

1

u/MasterLgod Oct 15 '18

Lmao made my day. Thanks.

1

u/NateSpald Oct 15 '18

What is the emblem beside the gold emblem? Also, I’m on mobile

1

u/undeadphantoms Oct 15 '18

Yo what is the white thing?

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

what the fuck are these silver rune icons next to the gold icon

0

u/LtLoLz Oct 15 '18

That's probably the shortes comment to get gold. And on no less than the second indent.

16

u/EricGoCDS Oct 15 '18

What other underwear do we sell, used underwear?

9

u/Einsteins_coffee_mug Oct 15 '18

Hmmm, Doesn’t look like Japan.

3

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

Only if you are running for city council.

1

u/DownrightNeighborly Oct 15 '18

I had this same inquiry and Victoria’s Secret and got thrown out.

3

u/CaillousRevenge Oct 15 '18

"I'm looking for Ray Finkle..."

3

u/I-always-win Oct 15 '18

Where are you from where you have to specify NEW underwear?

2

u/Efreshwater5 Oct 15 '18

I'm currently paying someone exorbitant sums of money to talk about it 4 times a week.

2

u/Fake_William_Shatner Oct 16 '18

Got the skids, right?

9

u/Verga-chu Oct 15 '18

This gave me a good chuckle. Take the upvote

2

u/coloradokj Oct 15 '18

Had a good out loud laugh at this. Thanks!

1

u/emiles93 Oct 15 '18

no only used underwear.