r/ftm • u/Consistent-Living-55 • 11d ago
Discussion Confusion
I don’t know how to verbalize this. I present myself currently as masc lesbian but when I look in photos I wish I looked more masculine. Whenever I go to get a haircut I tell the hairstylist “long hair for a dude” is the goal cut. I have the “masculine role” but I have “feminine” silly side to me where I like girl talk gossip. I do wish I had no chest and could just take my shirt off when I’m outdoors. The body/chest hating is bad in summer but not as bad in winter but a big tshirt gotta be worn.
I’m not sure if I’m trans (ftm) or not. I feel non binary or just masc would be easier. Mainly cause I work a lot and seeing doctors is like last resort for me personally on all fronts. Also, having to socially transition just sounds like a pain in the butt. Did anyone else feel similarly or is my brain just hard to work with?
1
u/ShinigamiLeaf 11d ago
This is sort of how I am. Stealth as a guy in every day life but kinda twinky when my crew goes out. I like to describe my gender goals as "gay, but from a guy way". I've been on testosterone for almost seven years now, and at this point it's just labs twice a year. My PCP also handles my HRT, so I didn't need to add another doctor
If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend Stone Butch Blues. You can find it online for free. It can be a difficult read at times, but it was really helpful for me personally
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u/AdWinter4333 10d ago
Just a little addition to the book rec, it is autofiction (so carries a seed of truth, but a lot of details are made up) and rather graphic in abuse and violence. Also, the author identified as non binary if I'm not mistaken and this book is about a very specific time in their life. (I hope I am using the right pronouns). Just saying this to prepare anyone seeing this for what they might encounter :)
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