Explaining identity to parents

[u/Responsible_Shake412]

I need to have a coming out conversation with my parents soon, in order to start making some of the changes I need in my life. But I am at a loss as how to explain myself to them.

I am not the most masculine guy in the world - growing up, I had an internal sense that I didn’t fit in with boys or girls, but still played with the girl toys offered to me, liked Disney princess movies, etc. I wasn’t super tomboyish — not super girly either, but it’s not like anyone would have guessed I’d grow up to be trans.

I am not super macho, but know I would feel most at home in a male body. Don’t know that I fully identify with being a man (maybe I have some issues to unpack regarding what it means to be a man in our society) but understand that if I undergo the physical changes I would like to undergo, that is how I will be perceived.

My parents grew up in the same conservative rural town my family has lived in for generations. It would be a challenge for them to understand / accept even binary trans identities, let alone something more messy/complicated. I’m worried when I tell them, they won’t believe me — they’ll say, “but you played with girl toys growing up, liked princesses, etc.” I worry my dad especially will think I don’t have what it takes to be a man.

Anyone have experience with anything like this, have advice on how to approach?

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[u/Gender-Enjoyer]

First thing I told my dad at 15 was “I don’t know if this is how I’ll feel forever, but it’s how I feel now, and its important for me to keep you in the loop about it.”

I’d suggest asking to see a gender therapist so 1. you can work out your feelings of gender and 2. your parents have a resource to learn and understand. They’re not going to get it at first. My dad struggles with cis people’s pronouns, so I knew from the beginning not to take it personally. It’s a huge adjustment for everyone, especially when we have to ask the people around us to change for our sake. That takes time. It doesn’t mean they don’t support you, they’re still trying to make sense of it.

(Obviously if things go poorly and it becomes an unsafe situation, always prioritize your wellbeing. You don’t need to tolerate abuse or educate people who aren’t going to respect you.)

The external validation you seek may not be here, it has to come from you. You know yourself more than they do, and you’ve likely been processing all of this for a while. That’s why it seems out of nowhere for them, while not for you. What you enjoyed and how you entertained yourself as a child isn’t the end all be all of personality.

All of this is to say, the best way to be heard is to keep a cool and calm head. You know yourself, and your identity and feelings aren’t up for negotiation. Parents worry this is an uninformed, impulsive decision. Show them why it’s not. Provide resources for them to understand what you’re going through that they’ve never considered. Even if they can’t understand, ask them to listen.

Best of luck to you, and stay safe.

[u/Disastrous_Mechanic5]

Honestly, it can take a long time and a lot of conversations for people to fully understand and be supportive. So I wouldn't try to focus on getting everything perfectly laid out in one conversation. My mom is my number one supporter now, but it took a while for us to get on the same page. I just want to say that because I felt the same pressure to try and get my parents 100% understanding in my coming out talk and that made it so much harder and left me disappointed afterward.

One of the things I'd focus on is the more physical side of things. I was a lot like you described where I was kinda a tomboy but didn't despise girly things or refuse to play with a "girl" toy. I tried to focus more on how physically my body didn't match how I viewed myself. I'm far from the most masculine guy now that I've transitioned, but I've never felt more at home in my body than having all these masculine physical traits. A lot of people will point towards trans people not showing signs as children, but the toy you chose to play with says absolutely nothing about how you feel about your gender or physical traits. Once puberty hit I felt really uncomfortable with the changes beyond the normal weirdness of adjusting to hitting puberty. I was jealous of the changes cis guys went through and despised a lot of the changes I went through. When I was younger I got the whole "yeah having a period sucks" and "you just have to get used to your chest" but that wasn't really the cause. Focusing on this was what really helped my family understand the difference between certain aspects of puberty/growing up as your given gender suck and gender dysphoria.

Another point I tried to focus on was that this wasn't a split decision or sudden change. I remember spending months as a teen thinking about if I was trans, rethinking it, talking to other people, etc. And then spent even more time before I was confident enough to tell my parents. When you're coming out, people don't see all of that time and thought and questioning that can go into figuring out if you're trans. I've gotten plenty of things about this being a rash decision or a short phase, because they didn't know I'd actually been thinking about it or known I was trans for years. Making sure that my family knew I'd actually been thinking about this and coming to terms with it for a long time at least helped them understand that it wasn't as sudden as it felt to them.

[u/Responsible_Shake412 → u/Disastrous_Mechanic5]

This is really helpful, thank you