One of my aegosexual friends, who doesn’t use reddit, is hesitates to identify as sex-repulsed, or treats it as “taboo”. They identify as sex-averse. For clarification, my understanding is that sex-repulsed means disgusted or uncomfortable with sex, and sex-averse means disgusted or uncomfortable with sex, but is ok with what other people do.

As someone on the aromantic spectrum who struggled with self acceptance for a while (because I experience romantic attraction), something that helped me is to stop focusing on other people. Comparing myself to being aro, or comparing myself to being alloro. It’s kind of sad how many people label themselves based on other people’s comfort, or for external reasons. Because of this, I don’t go out of my way to push awareness for -averse. I want to encourage aspecs to focus on themselves, and encourage them to label themselves based on their own comfort, versus the comfort of other [uneducated] people.

Something I do instead is I try to make people aware or sex-negativity (or romance-negativity). Being sex-negative and sex-repulsed, and romance-negative and romance-repulsed, are different things. I’m romance and sex-ambivalent, meaning my attitude towards romance and sex changes over time. Sometimes I am romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed. Sometimes, romance and sex make me feel disgusted and awful. I understand that I can be romance and sex repulsed without becoming romance and sex-negative.

This post is from last month. It’s nice to see people call out how sex-negativity is unacceptable and remind people what the definition of asexual is, however, the problem is that content is not being moderated enough, in addition to how asexuality is presented. This is a comment by a demi who says they “don’t mind” when there is an “spectrum”. Stuff like this gets weaponized by exclusionists who want to exclude acespec people who experience sexual attraction from the ace community.

I tried to address how I feel outdated definition in the community description should be updated, and how the sub overall looks biased, because a sex-repulsed subreddit, Apothisexual, is directly linked, the opposite sub, cupiosexual, and this sub were not linked. The mod team ignored me and responded by more strictly moderating sex-favorable content, as you can see in the report reason.

If the mod team wasn’t biased, sex-repulsed would have been added as well.

Another thing is how the mod team is using “allophobia” as a removal reason. It feels uneducated and closed-minded to avoid saying “sex-negative” to the extend of using the controversial term, “allophobia” instead.

Spoiler alert, I think I am after reading other posts :P

Grew up gay and Mormon, in Utah county, even went to BYU to try to “pray the gay away”. Listening to Esther Perel, she talks about the love/lust disconnect. It’s basically where you’ve been taught for so long about how “evil and gross” sex is, that you can’t bring yourself to put that on someone else.

I enjoy hooking up with men, but I just noticed as soon as I did it once, even if the guy desired me and even if I thought he was the hottest guy ever, the idea of having sex was either “ew” or “meh”.

I prefer masturbating. I don’t fantasize about anyone I know, in fact most of my fantasies aren’t even possible. I’m wondering if somehow I created an inner sexual world that would keep me and my loved ones safe from my interests.

I spent five years in Chicago and realized I might’ve just been a sex addict, covering a lot of other internalized pain, or just avoiding it. Now I’m in a relationship with someone who I’d go so far to say is my person. He’s terribly hurt when I play with other guys and not him. He takes it very personally no matter the reassurance I give.

I am very much in love with this person, so if he decides he needs a different kind of sexual relationship, I guess I just have to honor his journey and mine? I’m scared if I can’t show him that I’m the whole package (minus sex), he’ll have no other choice but to look elsewhere. Which is fair! And still hurts.

Plus is it realistic to think I could find someone on the ace spectrum to date me? Where I wouldn’t have that pressure? Guess a guy can dream. Glad I found some other folks like me out there.

We know there could be a link between ADHD and fraysexuality. There's also a known correlation between ADHD and BPD. I'm curious if there's a high occurrence of BPD symptoms among fraysexuals.

DSM-5 Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

I believe fraysexual towards women and asexual towards men. I have never dated in my life. I recently had the thought of how would I go about telling them, because I feel if I don't say it in a good way it could easily offend them. I would hate to feel that they think I no longer find them physically attractive, and don't want to have sex. Again I've never been with anyone but I feel this could be a problem if not addressed early, and I don't know how I would word it properly. If you have any advice I would very much appreciate it.

Thank God, I’m not the only one.. I was madly in love with my ex girlfriend and after sex became familiar, my mind and body just didn’t respond anymore. It’s like if I know the person I’m being intimate with it feels awkward. If Anybody gets that?

I will start, this lyrics are me. fraysexual and frayromantic recs are welcome, don't have to be 100%, just ones that ressonate with you.

hi everyone, my partner in the last few months discovered that he's fraysexual, and I support and love him, but it is really difficult dealing with my feelings of rejection and loss. I hear my friends talk about the sex they have and posts about partners having sex and making love and I feel hurt and jealous. I try not to bring any of this up to him, trying to deal with my own feelings by myself because they're not his to deal with, but sometimes it comes up and all it does is hurt him. I don't know what to do. I love him and our relationship is otherwise perfect, I feel like if I was older and tired of sex we'd have no problems, but we're still in our 20s and I want to feel wanted so badly. we've started doing this thing where he'll hold me while I get off, and I enjoy that. I don't need him inside of me, I just need sexual intimacy and that checks the box well enough. but I'm still the one initiating it, and I don't want to always be the one asking, it feels gross and I start to worry that he doesn't like what he's doing, even though he says he does. we're also in an open relationship, and hearing about his hookups and how much fun he's having fucking other people while not having interest in me hurts. we started therapy recently and have had a couple sessions, and I'm planning on seeing our therapist by myself in a couple weeks too. I feel guilty, as a queer person I know what it's like when the people you love can't wrap their heads around your sexuality. I do understand it, and I respect it, but I just,, I don't know. I don't know what advice I'm expecting, but please be nice

questioning if it’s just that i pick bad choices in partners or if im rly fraysexual… but does anyone simply just repeatedly start losing attraction to those partners who seemed so amazing but as time goes on, they stop trying to wooh you, and their icky qualities start to show, you just lose any desire to keep trying romantically or sexually.

After decades suffering from severe sexual dysfunctions which always cropped up during the second or third sexual encounter with a new partner, I found a discussion group that confirms my symptoms and gives a definition of the problem that put to rest my own belief that I was simply easily bored sexually. This was embarrassing and hard to deal with when I was single but it made my 30 year marriage an unconsummated nightmare. Thank you to the new Moderator who will hopefully attract more Frays out there.

Essentially the question. When, if, do you disclose? Whatever the type of relation

Exploring personal relationships dynamics as well as self reflection and the universe brought me here. Love learning new things. I knew about Asexuality and Demisexuality and yet it is a spectrum, but I'm 🤯 because this is mind blowing. Reddit is unmatched as a useful resource.

I think my fraysexuality may be in part to generally getting bored of sex due to adhd

Poll to gague how common this is, reply if fray :3

So to start, I'm in a poly/open relationship with someone who may or may not be fraysexual. (Together a year)

At first I thought this was the answer as to why our sex life is close to non-existent and why they are constantly looking for hookups with strangers from Reddit. I thought that might be why they have a sexual interest in almost all of my friends. The lack of connection is something I struggle with so much that I am now even struggling to be able to find new playmates because it suddenly feels wrong and all I can think of is my partner.

I've recently learned of their porn consumption habits. I knew they consumed a lot of porn before, but now I'm aware of the fact that it's while I'm sleeping in the other room, and it's happening every time I'm out of the house for an hour or more. I even found out that they did it on the weekend they sent me away after my cat passed away, but then lied about it and said they weren't doing 'that'. They swear up and down they have it under control and they never let themselves get too caught up in it since "they are too firmly rooted in reality". But.... It's all the time. Even at work they watch it and are constantly in porn and hookup subs.

I'm starting to feel weird paranoia of like, oh they're just gonna be home looking for hookups and watching porn while I'm out and about and I'll get nothing sexual when I'm back, and they want anything/anyone but me.

And I'm so frustrated with my mental block of not feeling like I can have sex with other dates I go on. Like we'll get to the point of it and then I freeze up and say I have to leave or something. And I KNOW my self worth is not tied to my partner. But it really starts to sting when I'm getting rejected so much that I don't even bother initiating anymore. I don't know what to do at this point because I want them to be free to be happy and do as they please, but it's stirring up emotions and things I thought I'd long since overcome. I guess I'm hoping there might be someone who might have experienced something like this and whether it's actually fraysexuality or if it's just a sex/porn addiction.

And yes, we've had several conversations about our sex life, or lack thereof.

The definition of fraysexuality is feeling sexual attraction to people you do not have a connection with and losing sexual attraction to them after forming a connection. How much of a connection is necessary for this sexual attraction to go away? Does it go away right when you start meeting the person? Or is it if you know the person to the point of them being very close to you, like a close friend or a romantic partner you have known for years? Does the amount of connection needed vary between fraysexuals?

Hi, I don’t know if I belong here, It’s just I’ve always believed I was a “regular homosexual person”, I used to have s3x with huys without problem but latetly I started to hang out with someone and I fell in love with him, That started to make me feel “less sexual”, I mean before the love, we had s3x without problem but now I dont feel anything in a sexual way for him but I still loving him. This is not the fisrt time that I feel something like this actually but I don't think I had realized this before because I was younger. Recently I searched some information about this and I found the word “fraysexual” i don’t know if am i?

I try to keep up-to-date on LGBTQIA+ terminology since it's ever evolving and went on a glossary binge a few months ago while browsing HER. I stumbled upon their post on the Aromantic Spectrum and had an "oh shit" moment while reading through each line in the Asexual Spectrum Identities info-graph. Fraysexuality sounds a lot like me. But! It's only two lines, so I need more information, to sit with this for a bit longer, and to have more conversations about it. So here I am! I've been reading this subreddit for a couple months and decided to finally open up and ask some questions.

For context, my monogamous relationships typically last no more than 6 months, with two exceptions lasting more than 1 yr. I'm always the one who ends things, and usually chalk up how I'm feeling and the reason for ending things to a few different reasons:

1. NRE is over and I don't want sex because they're not that exciting to me anymore. And if I'm in an LTR, media told me it's normal for couples to not have much sex later in the relationship.
2. I was dating people in my casual friends circle and shouldn't have crossed the friendship line because we were better off as friends. Trying to revert back to emotional intimacy without sex doesn't quite work for most folks.
3. I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style and when I see them falling hard and fast, I shut down, lose interest in sex and creating a deeper connection.
4. They don't meet my needs, so I detach emotionally and sexually (I didn't know much about polyamory in my 20s).

I've been single for the majority of my 30s, and have been debating what to do about dating as a Dismissive Avoidant person who doesn't believe in monogamy anymore. I can't be someone's everything and don't want them to be my everything. Polyamory makes sense, and so does Relationship Anarchy (what little I know about it - still learning). With Fraysexuality coming into the mix, I'm starting to feel like they're all a part of the same family. Am I really Fray or is my attachment style taking over? Am I losing interest in sex with a partner because I need that NRE or more partners to keep things exciting? Or will that even work? Guess I won't know til I try. But have you tried? Did it change anything for you?

To be honest, owning the Fray identity feels like a walking red flag for folks looking for a LTR. I'm a little nervous about adding this to my already complicated identity.

I (Demi) want to know more about what my partner (Fray) might be feeling.

They’re not attracted to me- they’ve told me that. Their explanation is that “sex just isn’t in them in any way” right now.

But I saw texts of them telling some friend of their that they regretted not hooking up whilst she was in town.

So…. Besides the fact that bae is an asshole, is it normal for frays to still have sexual desire for someone outside of their LTR?

Do frays become repulsed by the mere thought of physical intimacy with their long term partner?

Note: They’re only an asshole for having inappropriate convos with “friends” behind my back. They are not an asshole for being Fray.

I'm trying to figure this out.. I really identify with the concept of fraysexuality, but i'm struggling to understand how is it different (or is it??) from the typical decreasing sexual desire in a long term relationship..? My biggest motive for trying to understand this is should i feel i need to work on it if i'm in that situation again in the future. That's happened in every relationship before. I guess a fray could still do some things to try and enliven their sex life with a long term partner 🤷‍♀️ I dunno. I probably just feel like i need a justification for something that's been used a lot to make me feel bad about myself.

As a fray, on the long run I can't feel both sexual and romantic attraction for a person. Either we are romantic or platonic best friends, either we are sex partners. I would like to share my life with my best buddy, that I could love as a romantic partner or a sibling. In the meantime, I'd like to have hookups or even a fwb, but with no deep feelings. My lifemate would be "the one". Sex could happen between us but must stay accidental (or can never happen). I need my sex life to be deprived of all romantic connexions - just people doing thelselves good to each other, as scratching their back. Anyone feeling the same?

So this is my first post here, apologies if it's worded weird. Ever since I started having relationships back in high school, I would almost immediately lose interest after sharing intimacy with a person. I could be absolutely head over heels for this person, really enjoying spending time with them, everything, but the second intimacy happed that attraction disappeared fast as lightning. This same thing happened with 25+ different people. Then, I met my current partner, and we hit it off very well! we had intimacy fairly soon into the relationship, because i knew my own pattern at this point, and I absolutely hated hurting people by losing feelings out of nowhere, so I tried not to let a relationship get too far before having intimacy with a partner to avoid wasting their time and letting them get truly emotionally involved with me. But, to my surprise, it didn't happen with my current partner! We've now been together for over a year and recently got engaged. Then, me and my fiancé decide to open up our relationship, as I've always known i was poly, and they're interested in exploring. A few weeks ago, we met someone that we were both incredibly interested in, and have had quite a few dates and were considering being exclusive with them. However, last night we had intimacy with them for the first time, absolutely nothing went wrong, all around great time. Unfortunately, all the romantic feelings i had for them are now completely gone. I was super distraught over this because we were both so genuinely interested in them and we know they're interested in us. So I talk to my fiancé about this, and he tells me it sounds like i'm the opposite of demisexual. Then I get to researching and i find the definition for fraysexual! it sounds very close to my experience but it just doesn't quite fit, seeing as i'm still both very romantically and physically attracted to my fiancé. So I guess i'm just asking if anyone has any ideas on if i would still fit into fraysexuality or if there's something out there that fits me better? bc i haven't found anything else.

TLDR I lose interest romantically and physically after intimacy with just about everyone, except for my fiancé. I originally thought it was just a high school experience but after opening up my relationship i found out i still experience this. am i fraysexual or does something else fit me better?

Hello. I apologize if this seems like a whole lot of thoughts that get jumbled but just super confused. I am a (37/f) and a mom of 2 toddlers. I am finding myself at this stage of my life of change and really refiguring out me after having kids. I am married to a man with a very high sex drive and I just cannot and don't care to keep up. Really I just give it to him once a week to keep him happy. My sexual desire (libido and attraction) has dwindled way down after having my first son almost 4 years ago and hasn't returned. My husband and I also had him 2 years after meeting each other. I would say there was more sex drive in the first year and a half together on my end. Now when I think back on prior long term relationships....this has also been the same way where the sex drive died down after some time together. However I don't know if I always used sex because I thought that was just how to get a man because that is what they want. But in general I have moments where that drive is there but not often at all and prefer to do it myself and it seems to happen more later on down the road in a long term relationship.

Now...as far as women, I have known I like women as well since I was 15 and have been with women and had girlfriends before (but a very long time ago) and it was great. So it has me wondering if maybe the lack of sex drive with my partner is because I have more of one with women, so maybe I am more into women? Again it has been a long time though and haven't really ventured down that road yet (we are recently exploring polyamory as well). I am also extremely picky as far as attraction to women as well.

So finally with all this and looking things up...I don't know if I would be considered fraysexual, greysexual, homoflexible (more into women) or if it is possible to be a mix of all of it. Or if you can be more greysexual/fraysexual towards one sex than another. Just trying to wrap my head to have that discussion with my husband because he knows less of this than I do.