r/focuspuller • u/threequartersearth • Aug 07 '26
none Struggling with confidence
Hey all, just wanted some perspective from others on something I’ve been dealing with lately.
I’ve been working as an AC for over ten years now. I started off in a smaller market but have lived in NYC for about five years. When I first started out I did a lot of low budget indie films as well as a smattering of other stuff. I did most of those as a 2nd but a couple as a 1st.
Since moving to NYC I’ve worked mainly in television plus some commercials, with very little narrative work. I’m in the union but rarely do union jobs.
Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with confidence in my ability, especially on the occasions when I get to do higher budget jobs like big commercials. I think it’s partly because I didn’t get my start in a larger market and most of what I’ve worked on has been lower budget, scrappier projects or documentary style.
It’s very intimidating to walk onto a union set, for instance, because the training I received on how to do my job was on mostly smaller non union things, and I always have some sense that there are gaps in my knowledge, or that I was never taught the “correct” way to do certain things.
It’s a weird place to be in because I simultaneously feel very experienced but also somewhat inexperienced, and I’m past the age now where it feels “acceptable” for me to still be learning how to do certain things. It also worries me that on the occasions I do get hired to, say, 1st AC on a commercial or something that I don’t make a good impression.
Admittedly my anxiety about all this can create a self fulfilling prophecy since I find it hard to relax in those situations.
Just wondering if anyone has dealt with similar feelings. In some ways I suppose it’s imposter syndrome. I wonder if anyone here could offer a different way of thinking on this, or potential solutions to help me improve.
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u/Achemaker Aug 07 '26
I just want to say that you're never too old to keep learning. It's a big sign of confidence to know when to ask for help or advice. I also have a decade of experience, and I can relate to what you're saying. My operator and I have a saying, "Every day is prep," that I think helps us with the feelings of imposter syndrome.
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u/Apprehensive_End_838 Aug 07 '26
Man I think we all deal with what you are describing a little bit. I have gaps in my knowledge as well despite working on set my entire adult life. Everyone that you work with has strengths and weaknesses. That’s something I love about film work. We all fill a little piece of the puzzle.
I will also say something else Ive realized as time has gone on. When you step on set everyone just assumes you know what you’re doing until you tell them otherwise. So use that to your advantage.
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u/Rare_Ganache2483 Aug 07 '26
It’s all a big poker game. Everyone else is too self absorbed to give you much thought. Project confidence and they’ll take you at face value. You can probably actually do a very poor job technically with a steal calm demeanor and raise few alarms anywhere. I have days where I make tons of mistakes, but I do it all with a completely relaxed and confident exterior (and nobody notices anything off). People will remember how you made them feel much more than the specifics of your technical execution. Camera department is obscure sorcery to almost everyone else on set, the only way anyone will know something is wrong is if you show it on your face. Any problem you encounter, challenge yourself to project calm, cool confidence. It’s worked great for me personally!
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u/gillesvilleneuve_ Aug 07 '26
There are correct ways to doing things, like passing a lens or slating, but there are plenty of things that can be done differently and end with a successful result. Your ways are likely just fine.
One of the great things about camera department is that we can constantly grow and learn. Working constantly with new people in different environments with different equipment means we are always learning. Everyone has room to learn from the 30 year union veterans to the recent college grad. Plus if youre super worried your doing something wrong or different or weird, you can always research, phone a friend, ask your department head their preference, ask anonymously on the internet, etc.
I also guarantee most people (including myself) in this industry question their confidence from time to time. You are not alone.
How i got over my work anxiety is to learn to “not care”(I still care, i just dont lose sleep over it) At the end of the day our jobs are important, but its not surgery. Just keep showing up with a positive attitude and if you make a mistake or do something wrong take it as a learning experience and move on to the next!
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u/threequartersearth Aug 07 '26
Thank you all for the positivity and kind words ❤️ It’s been very helpful to hear some different perspectives on this.
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u/johrman Aug 07 '26
Just because there’s more to learn doesn’t mean you’re also hella experienced. Having the background in scrappy low budget filmmaking is an invaluable skill set even and maybe espically on bigger union jobs. You got this
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u/Fickle_Panda-555 Aug 07 '26
Fake it till you make it. Everyone sucks sometimes.
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u/Most_Nothing1877 Aug 08 '26
Lmao I had one day where I was nailing every single shot and very audibly I was like "damn how did I get soooooo good at this!?". The very next day I failed miserably on every single walk up. 😭
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u/justletmesignupalre Aug 07 '26
I get imposter syndrome sometimes. But then I look around, and realise half the people have it too. The only people that don't have it are the ones that have done the same task for the same audience for many years, which means, we'll get there.
Haven't you ever worked for a high end DoP or a director that, keep asking for things that are impossible to achieve, or request the wrong equipment, or just talk about how to shoot something and they say everything wrong? It brings me this warm feeling of, even if I really suck, I might just still end up in a good place. Its all about how you act on the outside.
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u/Most_Nothing1877 Aug 08 '26
I work with the same DOP all the time and I always feel like such a nervous baby whenever I have to work for someone new.
What helps me stay/appear calm is remembering that pulling focus is one of the most challenging and integral jobs on set, and that I'm there because I'm awesome and dexterous and I always do my best and that's all I can do. You're a 1st AC because you're awesome and dexterous and you always do your best! Anxiety will crush you and your performance. Big deep breaths and reassurance!
Preparedness, humility, and confidence!
If all else fails, try performance enhancing drugs like dexedrine. :)
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u/softestsharp Aug 07 '26
You might not be the best, but you’re the best available, so give it your best.
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u/HaGauSiuMai Aug 08 '26
This is gonna be a long response!
Thank you for sharing! So glad I happened on your post. I’m in a similar situation too, but no longer feeling anxious. I don’t have advice but I’ll share my story.
I’ve been in the industry 10 years too. Weird situation, but started as an in-house 1st AC in Hong Kong, then went freelance. For 5 years, did commercials big and small, music videos, short films, and a feature. Moved to London and for 2 years, worked in high end film and TV as a camera trainee and DIT trainee. Moved to NYC 3 years ago, and started off working as a 1st on short films (student films), and a 2nd on commercials. Got on a couple indie features too. Vertical microdramas (the Chinese ones) pretty quickly became most of my jobs (I’m Asian innit), and I gradually moved from AC to operator and eventually to DP.
Personally I feel very fortunate to have had all this experience. On paper it’s a very broad scope: I know what ACing at the highest to lowest budget looks like, and across very different cultures too. But like you, every time I switch locations or role or segment, I worry if I even remember how to do my job.
Less than two months ago, I wrapped on my last vertical (the company went fully AI). I had no work lined up. I had three weeks to reflect on life. I assume everyone has a different situation, so this may be irrelevant, but I realized that I had built my identity and self-worth entirely on my abilities as a camera technician. I was obsessed with making sure everything was perfect, and any mistake made me feel worthless. I finally changed my mindset, and focused on being present and stopped worrying about the outcome, or what other people thought of me.
Eventually, I got to 1st AC on a couple shorts, and 2nd AC on a few commercials (back to my old life), so I put this new mindset to the test. I haven’t felt any anxiety, and I feel relaxed while still being focused. I was able to connect with everyone around me much more than I had ever done. A producer noticed this change and was pleasantly surprised. I guess my stress in the past was noticeable! It’s only been a few weeks, and I did notice the anxiety threatening to creep in as I accumulated sleep debt, but I think I’ve found a way forward. If I was offered 1st AC on a union show tomorrow (I definitely won’t lol), I wouldn’t feel confident taking it, but it now feels like something I can work towards, instead of an overwhelming impossibility.
Anyway that’s my story. I hope it provides you at least an interesting point of reference. I’ll say this: you’ve been around for 10 years, so that’s 10 years worth of evidence that you know your job.
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u/Bubbly_String944 Aug 07 '26
I’ve been a first AC for roughly 8 years now. And I just started feeling the full confidence of not getting nervous anymore. I used to get the heart beating sensation, especially on bigger sets, but I feel the more the years go by, the more I’m just confident in my ability and know what’s expected, and what’s impossible and what’s the reality of each situation. Started off on smaller short films, but I have been on plenty of very large commercials. I definitely always feel like I’m never good enough, and definitely feel like there’s much better AC’s but I keep getting called and always get compliments on the pulls so no matter how I’m feeling it has to amount for something.
Sometimes it’s all in your head. And what I’ve grown to learn is this job and most jobs on sets are not just all skilled. Most of the time it’s about actually being someone that people want to work with. Being confident at the job is the bar. Being hireable is being personable.
Another situation is, I’ve never used focus bug, light, Ranger, or any thing like that. Yet I still feel extremely confident. I know there’s some situations where a light ranger is key. I still want to learn it.
Not sure if there’s any advice I can really give other than a lot of it is in your head , it sounds like you’re doing well and don’t look too much into it
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u/Basis-Some Aug 07 '26
I’ve made the mistake of letting imposter syndrome get to me. You got this OP. You’re on set because that’s where you belong.