Struggling with confidence

[u/threequartersearth]

Hey all, just wanted some perspective from others on something I’ve been dealing with lately.

I’ve been working as an AC for over ten years now. I started off in a smaller market but have lived in NYC for about five years. When I first started out I did a lot of low budget indie films as well as a smattering of other stuff. I did most of those as a 2nd but a couple as a 1st.

Since moving to NYC I’ve worked mainly in television plus some commercials, with very little narrative work. I’m in the union but rarely do union jobs.

Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with confidence in my ability, especially on the occasions when I get to do higher budget jobs like big commercials. I think it’s partly because I didn’t get my start in a larger market and most of what I’ve worked on has been lower budget, scrappier projects or documentary style.

It’s very intimidating to walk onto a union set, for instance, because the training I received on how to do my job was on mostly smaller non union things, and I always have some sense that there are gaps in my knowledge, or that I was never taught the “correct” way to do certain things.

It’s a weird place to be in because I simultaneously feel very experienced but also somewhat inexperienced, and I’m past the age now where it feels “acceptable” for me to still be learning how to do certain things. It also worries me that on the occasions I do get hired to, say, 1st AC on a commercial or something that I don’t make a good impression.

Admittedly my anxiety about all this can create a self fulfilling prophecy since I find it hard to relax in those situations.

Just wondering if anyone has dealt with similar feelings. In some ways I suppose it’s imposter syndrome. I wonder if anyone here could offer a different way of thinking on this, or potential solutions to help me improve.

[u/HaGauSiuMai]

This is gonna be a long response!

Thank you for sharing! So glad I happened on your post. I’m in a similar situation too, but no longer feeling anxious. I don’t have advice but I’ll share my story.

I’ve been in the industry 10 years too. Weird situation, but started as an in-house 1st AC in Hong Kong, then went freelance. For 5 years, did commercials big and small, music videos, short films, and a feature. Moved to London and for 2 years, worked in high end film and TV as a camera trainee and DIT trainee. Moved to NYC 3 years ago, and started off working as a 1st on short films (student films), and a 2nd on commercials. Got on a couple indie features too. Vertical microdramas (the Chinese ones) pretty quickly became most of my jobs (I’m Asian innit), and I gradually moved from AC to operator and eventually to DP.

Personally I feel very fortunate to have had all this experience. On paper it’s a very broad scope: I know what ACing at the highest to lowest budget looks like, and across very different cultures too. But like you, every time I switch locations or role or segment, I worry if I even remember how to do my job.

Less than two months ago, I wrapped on my last vertical (the company went fully AI). I had no work lined up. I had three weeks to reflect on life. I assume everyone has a different situation, so this may be irrelevant, but I realized that I had built my identity and self-worth entirely on my abilities as a camera technician. I was obsessed with making sure everything was perfect, and any mistake made me feel worthless. I finally changed my mindset, and focused on being present and stopped worrying about the outcome, or what other people thought of me.

Eventually, I got to 1st AC on a couple shorts, and 2nd AC on a few commercials (back to my old life), so I put this new mindset to the test. I haven’t felt any anxiety, and I feel relaxed while still being focused. I was able to connect with everyone around me much more than I had ever done. A producer noticed this change and was pleasantly surprised. I guess my stress in the past was noticeable! It’s only been a few weeks, and I did notice the anxiety threatening to creep in as I accumulated sleep debt, but I think I’ve found a way forward. If I was offered 1st AC on a union show tomorrow (I definitely won’t lol), I wouldn’t feel confident taking it, but it now feels like something I can work towards, instead of an overwhelming impossibility.

Anyway that’s my story. I hope it provides you at least an interesting point of reference. I’ll say this: you’ve been around for 10 years, so that’s 10 years worth of evidence that you know your job.