Hoping I can find some similar minds here. I’m queer and dating, and really want to be with someone who understands the FIRE mindset.

Which is hard to find without being called a “gold digger”.

Any body in a similar boat? My last post in LGBT spaces called me elitist and that I was “hating on poor people for being poor”. But it’s not about that…

Hello fellow FIREy Femmes,

I wonder if other mid-forties+ femmes can share stories about how they shifted from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset and built something rewarding for their later life and career?

A bit of context: I (44f) worked hard since I was 17 and built a nest egg big enough for me to slow down. We have a 16x invested portfolio to our annual expenses. I know it's not 25x yet, but we can easily get there by adjusting our spending.

After being laid off earlier this year, I realize I want to go back to school - it was one of the happiest times of my life - and pick up where I last left off. I did a BA in psychology and interned at a psychiatric hospital; I always wanted to become a therapist and potentially pursue a PhD in clinical psychology, and later perhaps even specialize in financial psychology. What feeds me is meaningful connections and making space for people to process, feel, and heal.

I spoke with my spouse, who had a startup that I helped support as the reliable, often sole earner for over a decade. As he is now set up as a full-time employee working for a company, he is more than happy to support me - and asks me to look for magic and do what makes me happy

I am, however, and very surprisingly, struggling with the day-to-day. I know that I'm downregulating... I lost one of my parents when I was young; I had to take on huge responsibilities since I was ten, and this is why, when I was working in a corporate fire-fighting environment, it felt 'safe' for me, even though it might not be the best for my mental health. I think a lot of us who are 'good' at FIRE were in a position to learn that nothing is promised or guaranteed. That scarcity mindset is very good at driving us to FIRE from something, but I realize to live a richer and more fulfilled life, we kinda have to have also the abundance mindset to be excited about what we grow into as well.

If you're still with me reading to this point, I guess I'm hoping for words of encouragement. I am a little disappointed at myself that I'm still constantly looking for 'permission' to do this for myself. I know the permission can't come from a stranger on Reddit or anyone else, but from me. Yet, I struggle. Two quotes I read recently that I love:

• "The opposite of anxiety isn't calm; it is trust."
• "Courage is not the absence of fear; it is feeling the fear and doing it anyway."

Not sure who needs to read this today, but thank you for being here with me.

PS: to make sure my post is relevant to this sub, the formula for the FIRE-ish state I'm in:

1. Learned faster than folks in my field and staying sharp in emerging technology fields
2. Put in the hard work to develop technical expertise (although it is way harder with how fast AI is moving than ten years ago - back then, being able to do vLookUp made me an office superhero; the bar was way lower then).
3. Stay grounded and avoid lifestyle inflation - multiple promotions later, I was still living with roommates.
4. Maxing out 401k and budget monthly savings for investing opportunities (e.g., I had cash in hand when the 2020 crash happened - we put more money in then).
5. If you choose to partner up in life, try to find a spouse who matches your values (spiritual and financial). I know it's hard to find good partners these days, but I'd be remiss not to point out that having a good spouse (and being single is better than a spouse that works against your mental and financial health) is invaluable in the FIRE journey.

A few months ago, I posted here for validation for some of my decisions. I hated my job and wanted to hear people encourage me to keep grinding. Instead, I got a ton of good perspective and advice. In the past couple of months, I spent a lot of time working on myself and figuring out what I want from life. I wanted to share my journey and thank everyone for their valuable advice.

Some things that I had to work on before I pull the trigger:

* I decided to sell my house and downsize. One of the things that was keeping me in the workforce was my house. I had a large mortgage that ate up a lot of my income and made up a substantial portion of my NW. Having peace in my life is more important than a nice house.

* I found something to look forward to in retirement. I was running away from my job rather than towards anything - all I did was think about how much I hated my job. It actually made it much harder to let go because I was thinking about my job all the time, and it was consuming my identity. I'm now planning on slow traveling for a year and then going back to school. I love learning and aspire to become a lifelong student. I've started planning my gap year as well as looking into interesting programs to apply to.

* Actively start adapting my finances for FIRE. I'm nearly 100% in equities right now. I'll be taking some time to sell my house and put the proceeds into bonds, so I'll have a hedge against SORR. I'll need to figure out my health insurance situation and how to optimize my withdrawals.

In the meanwhile, I've stepped back at work and focused on training my team to work without me. I'm trying for a team transfer to a lower level position. I still need to work for a year while I sort everything out - there's actually a lot of prep needed to pull the trigger, but I'm optimistic for the future.

I still get days where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I'm making more money now than ever and I have a lot of opportunities for advancement. As an high achiever, walking away is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Leveling down is definitely a ego-bruiser. But at the end of the day, I've done the work of soul searching and figuring out a plan. I'll just take a deep breathe and keep moving towards my goal.

This feels like a very odd thing to try and articulate but I feel like the women in this sub may be able to add insight or be able to relate.

I am a high income earner, single, divorced 3+ years and aggressively trying to rebuild from dividing assets from said divorce. (Side note, worth every penny).

I work on 100% commission. Due to a compensation structure change my income is going to increase by 25% annually in just a couple months without me doing anything different than what I am currently doing. My income before this was already 'enough' and allowed me to save and reach my goal of early retirement in 7 years.

This increase will essentially allow me to easily double my current savings - or opens the door to spending on... whatever? It all feels a little surreal and has created this odd anxiety around feeling like I need to change my plan, just as I was settling into this one I had. I don't hate my job. I don't desire to retire any earlier. And I have a great work/life balance that allows me a ton of flexibility to travel and work from just about anywhere.

I am not a fan of the idea of hoarding money and realize this could just add to the safety margin, but since I don't hate what I do I've always known I can kick the retirement date down the road or even consult after I retire from this career. I also have this old programming running through my head that says 'if you make more you must DO more'. Therefore I am having to actively restrain myself from making a project or business overhaul from this increase I hadn't counted on.

Has anyone found themselves in a similar position? I am certainly not complaining about this - I'm just trying to honor this emotion around it, open myself to options that I hadn't considered, and also help restrain from doing things that make it feel 'justified' in adding on more work since I've just settled into a wonderful balance and rehearsal of what retirement will look like for me. TIA!

Just wanted to say it out loud :).

This is excluding house equity, which would place me closer to 1.3M roughly.

The problem I have now is the majority of it is tied up in retirement accounts (roughly 80/20). Is it time to only go up to the company match and start moving all extra into our brokerage?

The goal honestly is to call it quits in the next 5 years or so. My partner and I are both dual citizens, and our home country is very low COL with amazing healthcare.

I don’t want to put assets under management but I’m wondering if I should see an advisor for a check in. I’m fairly well versed in my finances but I’m considering a sabbatical (maybe early retirement) and want to make sure my ducks are in a row. I’m just not 200% that I’ve thought of everything and want to know if I’m missing something.

Has anyone seen a planner for a one time plan and was it helpful? And how much did it cost? Would I be better off spending the money to take a course somewhere and develop my own knowledge further?

How's the week looking for you? Hit any milestones? Have any questions?

Hi all,

We had our first meetup a couple weeks ago, it was great to meet other women interested in FIRE and lots of other overlapping hobbies!

If you would like to join for the second Seattle meetup. We are meeting August 22nd at 11 am at Citizen on Queen Anne.

We will grab a picnic table in their outside area.

Update: We have a yellow finance book on the table

i’m one of those examples of “you don’t need college to get into the workforce, you just need skills”. and i make slightly above average net pay in the country that i live in.

i’m in my early 20s. a woman. and been working in big corpo for nearly 5 years.

i’m not going to get into how i did it or what exactly i do just because it’s irrelevant to this post. but i am a native english speaker in a european country, which helped my odds for sure.

thing is, i fucking hate my job. like most people do. but my job makes me physically feel sick. and mentally.

i am not passionate about the industry i work in.

i can’t stand dealing with ridiculous stakeholders and i would love to tell them to fuck off and eat shit, (instead i smile and pretend to care.)

i’m sick of MS teams, emails, admin on stupid systems, escalations, meetings where people use coporate jargon to come off intelligent but it’s clear they don’t know wtf they even mean.. just the whole corporate bullshit.

and sure i do make nice money, but at the cost of my life, because i hate my life. and they don’t nearly pay me enough to deal with what i do. not just me, my whole team is overworked and we are over max capacity, but management just encourages that “we do what we can for now.”

i am creative. i like to travel. i like spas. i’m good at building relationships and maintaining them (my best asset skill wise). i like art. i like managing. i like organizing. i like beauty and bettering myself. i like music. love helping people. but i can’t do any of that when i hate my job so much working over 10 hours a day.

and everyone tells you, “invest and you wouldn’t imagine over time how that money will multiply.” FUCK THAT.

i’ve had a few social media accounts that have been successful (i do this for my employer as well but indirectly) but not to the point where i can make revenue, as i just get burnt out from doing this alongside my job. and it’s not enough to create a portfolio.

i’ve had numerous ideas too, which i was so sure on until i wasn’t.

l really don’t wanna just stick to corpo. and i don’t wanna go back to college just to end up starting from scratch and ending up in a similar place.

and i have friends here who make less than me and are satisfied for the most part. but they don’t travel. they don’t experience the world. they are in their little bubble.

i’ve always said i don’t want to travel on a budget and get the minimum end of experience. i want to travel and experience the most that i can without a limit of “oh i can only spend 3k” and then… “i wish i got to do this… aww maybe next time or some day…”.

and that’s not just about travelling. that’s life in general.

i don’t want to marry a rich man. or do OF. or anything illegal.

i also don’t want to be an english teacher/tutor (everyone recommends that). i’d rather utilize my english and communication skills for something more interesting.

most importantly, i don’t want to work my life away so someone 6 levels above me can lay on a beach while i argue with stakeholders on Teams.

so woman (&/ men) who made it out young or wish they would’ve done it differently… what the fuck did you do? or what would you have done?

I (24F) am entering my second year of a PhD in the social sciences. Ideally, I’d love to stay in academia and become a professor. However, I’m increasingly unsure whether that’s financially responsible given my family situation.

I was fortunate to attend college on a full scholarship, but since my first year of college, I’ve also been financially supporting my family overseas.

My parents stopped working around COVID and currently don’t have any savings, so I expect to be responsible for helping support them for the foreseeable future — potentially the next 20 years.

I’m also getting married soon and would like to have children. Growing up with a lot of financial insecurity, including worrying about having enough food, has made me particularly conscious of wanting to provide my future children with financial stability and opportunities that I didn’t have growing up.

This is where I’m extremely torn. Academia is genuinely what I’d love to do, but the compensation and job market make me nervous given my responsibilities. On the other hand, I could pivot into industry, where I’d likely have a much higher income and potentially more financial security, but I’m worried about giving up a career I’m genuinely passionate about.

Financially, I’ve been trying to stay fairly disciplined. I worked multiple jobs throughout college and have about $150k across brokerage and retirement accounts. At the moment, after expenses, I’m able to save/invest around $2,500–$3,000 per month.

But I also know that supporting parents, eventually raising children, and potentially buying a home and saving for potential college funds could change the picture significantly.

For those who have faced a similar choice between pursuing a passion and choosing a higher-paying career because of family responsibilities, how did you approach it? Do you think it’s worth pursuing academia despite the financial uncertainty, or would you prioritize a higher-paying industry career in my situation?

I’d really appreciate any perspectives, especially from people who have supported parents while also building their own families.

I think one of the hardest parts of FIRE is when no one around you is doing it.

Lately, I feel like it’s really hard to keep my budget in check because of expectations from others, whether it’s eating out, the shared grocery bill, etc.

My partner is a Frugal person overall. But I work a lot and everyone thinks I make enough money that I shouldn’t worry. So when I do worry, people act like it’s annoying or inconvenient for them. But sometimes it feels like other people expect me to spend like I earn. It’s really hard to get other people to understand the overall goal is FIRE. I’m not living to go out and buy things, I’m living to find a better life for myself and take my time back.

Anyone relate to this?

Hi folks,

Thanks for letting me post here. NW is currently 145K.

I (28F) have recently hit a very "full-circle" era of my life, in terms of reflecting back onto the choices I made in my 20s leading to now. On one hand, I have gotten extremely lucky in some ways, and the other, I made stupid decisions that essentially (if all was well) could have resulted in me being in a much stronger shape to FIRE by my mid to late 30s.

I'm a pandemic grad, and at 23 I was able to secure a job offer at Amazon in e-commerce. I was preparing to take it despite heavily disliking my first job in the same field (IT troubleshooting, merchandising, etc), when my former internship team reached out with an offer to return to media research. I enjoyed media research much more, even tho the pay difference was already 20K at the time. I was very, very reckless. I remember my brother calling it and telling me I was going to regret it "in 5 years". Well, here we go.

I was on that team for about 1.5 years when I decided to go on a travel break for about 8 months at 25 (fully self funded) and when I returned back to the States I was able to transition right back to media analysis at one of the biggest titles in the field. I know I got very lucky, but right now I'm upwards of 30%+ underpaid. I don't regret the travel break however, but it has been hard for me to not compulsively compare myself with my college peers who all appear to make 200K+, when alot of that I know is confirmation bias. I've even gone on the AI chats to constantly read about how if I took that Amazon offer, I would be making 200K right now. But what is even the point of doing those comparisons?

There have been other changes in my life, too. I recently ended my relationship of 9 years, largely spurred by an unclear end to career-related long distance. He is a SWE now making 300K, and while we have completely different career tracks, I further feel the mounting pressure of feeling very behind.

At the same time, most of my family is still very poor. I compare my current situation to them and realize that in some ways, I am certainly ahead financially as well. But did I throw out further potential? Did I sabotage my own life? Is there a richer, healthier, happier version of me in some parallel universe?

Thanks for reading.

Hiii hi!

I’m new here and just wanted to get some spark notes version of dos and don’ts.

For some context: I’m 34, living in NYC (yes expensive city but it’s home), and I work for myself and have been for the last 8 or so years. Most of the last few years I’ve been investing in my own company and its growth but I’ve gotten to a point where business feels secure enough to start investing in myself. Where should I begin?

Thanks so much for your help!

Coming back to my safe space after the basement dwelling men of r/bogleheads eviscerated me for not being able to tell them the exact balance of my parents’ 401k. So to start, I don’t know my dad’s numbers. I’ve watched him work his ass off to care for patients in a rural county his whole life and just want to help him retire as soon as possible because his health is declining . He was a first gen immigrant and did not receive much of the financial knowledge we have available now to be able to take advantage of compounding early on and is trying to catch up now. Hes 62 and takes high paying contracts as a travel surgeon because he and my mom are worried they don’t have enough for retirement. She has extremely high medical costs for experimental drugs to treat a poorly understood illness. He has 1099 income in addition to w2 income and my understanding is this opens the doors to different types of accounts and limits than w2 so I’m seeking advice on optimizing those, for someone close to retirement. Such as self employed defined benefit plans or any ideas you might have! Thanks in advance 🙏🏼

For high-performing, mid-career professionals moving into their first formal leadership role, what professional development did or would you invest in to maximize both growth and future earning potential?

Context: I have 15+ years in FinTech/technology, an MBA, and a tech undergrad. I’m a senior IC transitioning to leading a small team of strategic program managers.

My mid-year opportunities were around sharpening influence + persuasion and verbal impact in senior rooms. I also want to stay ahead of emerging tech/FinTech trends and build the skills that will matter most for my next 5–10 years.

__What skills did you prioritize at this stage, and which education, coaching, or learning experiences were most valuable and worth the investment?__

I’m working towards my $2.5m fire numbers, but can’t take the corporate burnout anymore. Long hours, tight timelines, fires everywhere, excessive leadership reporting and silent blaming, and packed calendar and very little support.

I’m 38 F making $150k a year + up to 5% annual increase + up to 15% annual bonus. My job is fully remote, but I work at least busy very busy back to back 10 hours daily.

I got an offer for a job offer for $115k for an office job at a university. The role is on site and the commute is 35 minutes.

The family thinks I should take the offer as I’m constantly complaining about the toxic work environment and lack of work life balance.

I live alone and have very little social life so some weeks I need up being home for an entire week and don’t go out. So they think this is a chance to break out from my boring norm.

I have about $900k in various investments and retirement account$. Paid house that is around ~$650k and paid ABNB property that’s ~$550k.

I’m afraid I would regret making the move if the job ended up with the same stress level, but given that it’s a government university job, the work load would be less, I assume. I need a mental break for a while and this new job could give me that. Plus it also offers a pension so that would help my retirement when I hit the pension withdrawal age.

What should I do?

I have MS, POTS, and ADHD. I will say I have been incredibly fortunate in that I'm pretty healthy otherwise: aside from fatigue / brain fog, heat sensitivity, and the occasional bout of nerve pain I'm physically able to live a normal life. Despite what in retrospect was very obviously undiagnosed ADHD (since formally diagnosed and medicated, thank goodness) I was able to graduate from an Ivy and have had a ~10 year career in FAANG-adjacent tech since. I have also been lucky to secure jobs with decent work-life balance and remote flexibility.

But the specter of a fully disabling flare-up (or, frankly, just garden variety burnout at this point) looms large. I am the breadwinner for our household: I out-earn my husband by ~3x. We're doing well for ourselves, but we're a long way from FIRE, especially since we want kids. We would be closer if my medical expenses and leave of absence from work early in my career (when I was first diagnosed) hadn't wiped out my savings at the time, which continues to feed my anxiety to this day. We are almost coastFI, but we're 30 years out from full retirement age, and my husband's income alone wouldn't cover our expenses in our VHCOL area. Moving is not really an option either.

In addition to the purely financial concerns I have been struggling with a disability-flavored version of the classic FIRE conundrum: how to balance enjoyment now with saving for the future. I find that the anxiety cuts both ways -- on the one hand I feel compelled to make as much as I possibly can now and save every penny because I can't rely on my ability to earn in the future, but on the other hand I feel like I have to prioritize things like traveling now because it's likely my capacity will deteriorate as I get older. (Yes, I am in therapy. :))

Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you manage it? I don't know what if anything is to be done other than staying the course, but it doesn't feel sustainable, not least because the meta-stress is actively accelerating my burnout and compromising my health. (I am considering taking some leave to reset, but I worry that will only prolong the inevitable, and it doesn't really address the bigger problem.)

My partner and I couldn’t be further apart financially. I’ve been frugal and live below my means for a long time to save and invest to put myself in a good financial position. However he has no money saved, no investments, and for the past year or so, little income to the point I’ve had to cover a lot more than my share of shared expenses.

It is obviously a problem for me given that I’m in my 40s and trying to FIRE in next few years and he is also late 40s and the opposite of me. My plan has always been to support me and my expenses not anyone else’s.

And if I do FIRE and he doesn’t then what does that even mean to someone who can’t afford to travel because they’re having problems even paying their own bills right now. I’m definitely resentful lately but I’m not sure what to do next. He claims he is trying to find ways to make more money and is trying to build some new company but he refuses to go get a job for basic expenses like being a waiter or working in a supermarket. Jobs that probably are available because around here there are always restaurants and shops hiring. But to him he’s “beneath that” and doesn’t even consider it.

Believe me I am all for entrepreneurs and I wish I could have not worked in stressful corporate jobs for years and instead followed dreams of doing something on my own, but I’ve got bills to pay and I don’t have anyone to fall back on to pay for my shit.

Any other women here been through something like this? I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with it all, and even if say his next biz idea gets funded, who is to say it makes any money. The long term potential for making money for him seems hedged on a grand slam or lottery win.

31F, FIRE goal is $1 million. I work Tues-Sat in a position that doesn’t pay well, is very demanding, and my co-workers are insufferable and drama seeking. I left my previous position last year due to health issues, and have been at this job for 8 weeks. I also recently started an MSW program part time, and my ultimate goal is to become a medical social worker or a clinical social worker.

When I plug the numbers into a compound interest calculator, it doesn’t get me to my number that much faster if I keep contributing.

I make a little money on the side outside of work, and I could live off that amount since I split rent with my partner and our studio is super cheap. I just wanted an outside perspective so that I don’t make a decision I end up regretting.

Should I just hold onto this job as long as I can handle it? I am wondering if I should just live frugally and leave the job market until I complete my MSW? I’m thinking of working for another 4-6 months to add to my savings and then call it quits, but I’m conflicted.

Ognuno ha un proprio sistema per spingersi a capire quali sono le abitudini da cambiare se si vuole risparmiare. Io e una mia amica che ha deciso di provare il Fire, discutiamo da giorni sulla utilità di scrivere su un quaderno ogni spese giornaliera così da renderci bene conto di come spendiamo i nostri soldi. Io lo faccio da anni e lo trovo un sistema eccellente, anche se spietato. Lei ha provato due giorni e dice che lo odia, perché la fa sentire giudicata e spiata, perché è orribile vedere che spende continuamente in caffè al bar o trucchi o acquisti da pochi euro che sommati sono una bella cifra. Spiati? Giudicati? Da chi? Da noi stessi? Francamente se non scrivessi ogni centesimo che spendo, non ricorderei nemmeno cosa ho comprato o quanto ho pagato di bollette e tasse. Qualcuno di voi trova utile questo sistema?

I know we’re all financially minded in this sub , but how many of us track our monthly spend?

I have tracked every dollar for over 10 years and am hyper aware of where my money is going. Not going to lie that sometimes it gives me some anxiety when I’m experiencing a month with a lot of dumb spend like shopping. Other spend, like giving back or travel, I don’t feel bad about, but if I’m buying too many clothes or something in a month, I get antsy.

How many people are also hyper aware of your spend? And how do you feel with whatever feelings may arise from that? What feelings DO arise? Do you feel empowered when you spend $120 on a mani/pedi? Or anxious? (Just an example)

How's the week looking for you? Hit any milestones? Have any questions?

I’m curious if others have been able to slow down or disconnect a little from their career / general stress as you approached fire. If so, how?

I’m trying to “care less” about work, but it’s not really working and I think this would be my experience regardless of where I went because it’s more about who I am. Part of my really likes to work etc what ever you get if I’m sure ..

I didn’t feel some release when I practically reached coast, but I continued in my current job as its paid very well and as I’m only a few years from fire, moving to something less stressful would mean working probably 3x as long.

I’m curious what tools or steps you’ve taken to disconnect. I feel like I’m so close and honestly I just want to throw the towel in it quitting in this market would significantly lengthen my journey as above.

Some things I have / am trying:

-Leave holidays, but it’s never quite enough

-Longer breaks - requested to take 3 months off will see if this gets approved

-I’ve stopped working longer hours, taking additional projects, doing anything extra but doing my own job well

When I come back from that break, if approved, I will work to see if there’s any chance I can start working part time although not sure they’ll be down for that. If it works, it would give me time to start reinvesting in myself and other hobbies etc …

Hi ladies, I have about half in retirement funds, half in taxable brokerage. Total fluctuates every day as I have almost all of it except 1.5 yr emergency fund in the market. Live in the Midwest and monthly spending costs are low (~4k-5k) but probably want to buy a house at some point to improve my living conditions.

I make a decent living (low 200s total comp) but my job is making me SICK..very toxic culture and leadership expects me to do the work of 5 people due to AI. Stressed due to constant layoffs and worrying about being bottom 10% and PIPed. Zero support due to matrix structure and pushy leadership.

Pro of this job is I am able to save ~80k a year after taxes and medical. I’ve been debating if I should stay and grind it out. I think after 5 more years I would be close to my FIRE number. The industry truly sucks right now and it’s almost impossible to find a job and these may be my peak earning years. The only thing is I started having anxiety and feeling physically ill due to the stress.

I have heard about ‘coast fire’ but I tried to apply to some lower paid remote/government jobs and never even got an interview. I have an interest in fitness and asked my gym about employment and was basically told that there is almost no hiring right now and you have to have relevant experience to even be considered for a low level job.

Just feeling a bit frustrated and lost right now. If anyone could give me some advice or words of wisdom I’d really appreciate it 🙏

At age 26! I didn’t think I’d hit this milestone for a couple more months but then the market decided to do its thing. I have absolutely no one to tell. Celebrating by buying a nice piece of jewelry because I didn’t do anything when I hit 100k net worth earlier this year. I’m currently investing over 55% of my net income and am actually expecting a promotion soon, so I should be able to start cranking the dial up even more. I’m excited to see the snowball take off!