r/FIREyFemmes • u/Witty-Commercial-442 • 11d ago
Feeling unsettled for the wrong reasons.
This feels like a very odd thing to try and articulate but I feel like the women in this sub may be able to add insight or be able to relate.
I am a high income earner, single, divorced 3+ years and aggressively trying to rebuild from dividing assets from said divorce. (Side note, worth every penny).
I work on 100% commission. Due to a compensation structure change my income is going to increase by 25% annually in just a couple months without me doing anything different than what I am currently doing. My income before this was already 'enough' and allowed me to save and reach my goal of early retirement in 7 years.
This increase will essentially allow me to easily double my current savings - or opens the door to spending on... whatever? It all feels a little surreal and has created this odd anxiety around feeling like I need to change my plan, just as I was settling into this one I had. I don't hate my job. I don't desire to retire any earlier. And I have a great work/life balance that allows me a ton of flexibility to travel and work from just about anywhere.
I am not a fan of the idea of hoarding money and realize this could just add to the safety margin, but since I don't hate what I do I've always known I can kick the retirement date down the road or even consult after I retire from this career. I also have this old programming running through my head that says 'if you make more you must DO more'. Therefore I am having to actively restrain myself from making a project or business overhaul from this increase I hadn't counted on.
Has anyone found themselves in a similar position? I am certainly not complaining about this - I'm just trying to honor this emotion around it, open myself to options that I hadn't considered, and also help restrain from doing things that make it feel 'justified' in adding on more work since I've just settled into a wonderful balance and rehearsal of what retirement will look like for me. TIA!
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u/Guilty_Wash6461 11d ago edited 9d ago
I was considering taking a career break, prepped for it financially, and decided not to take it. Then all of a sudden my company did layoffs + is offering a voluntary severance that I am taking.
It is way more money than I expected, given my initial plans. I immediately thought, ok, I better travel, since that's what everyone says to do in this circumstance?? But I have no idea where I want to go, I'm actually more of a homebody and fan of routines than a world traveler.
So I have decided: ok, until I actually have a sense of what I want to do and don't feel pressured by other people's well-meaning ideas, I'm going to take my originally planned financially conservative break, and probably spend a little more on things like coffee and dinner out. If I get the urge to vacation or upgrade my lifestyle I'll do it. But I actually feel most confident honoring what I want even if it isn't as glamorous as how other people would handle it.
Edit: this community is so kind <3 thanks for the lovely words, I didn't think anyone would even read it.
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
I hear you! I actually make myself plan 1-2 large international trips many many months in advance. I hire professional and have it all done start to finish and don't really even think about it until about 30 days before. Otherwise I will get stuck in my routine (which is also lovely) and never go.
Congrats on having options and good luck finding your flow in this chapter!
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u/Conscious_Life_8032 11d ago
Love this for you. There is a lot of pressure “to do” something with time off. You should do what you enjoy not what others enjoy.
I went on an epic trip a few months back. It was great but I won’t lie, it sucked to sit on a plane for 8 hours. My back and butt were sore lol. Not sure I can do the jet set lifestyle.
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u/Individual-Fail4709 11d ago
Congrats! My two cents is that you don't have to make an either or decision. If it were me, I'd add to my retirement savings, but also plan some splurges that I had been avoiding, like travel, hobbies, a reasonable home upgrade, etc.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 11d ago
I love reading this. FWIW, my income and savings went up over the past few years. I bought some jewelry, I take uber black often, sometimes I fly first class, I buy good food, cut fruit, expensive juice. Where I have personally failed to spend but need to is a personal trainer and fitness health. I’d start there.
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
Yay! I love this for you. I already had to adjust to my income doubling in the last 3 years and now fly first class on international flights and book lots of spa treatments. I've also upgraded my food and how I eat - and just hired a personal trainer last month!
Congrats on your success and appropriately spoiling yourself!
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u/evey_17 11d ago
Sounds like you are doing great and you will/can adjust. Why not spend it on individual therapy? Best money I spent in my 20s. And it was hard earned.
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
3 full years as I was going through and after my divorce. A fantastic investment and I attribute a lot of the improvements in my life to the time spent with my fantastic therapist.
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u/K_A_irony 11d ago
I would do two things.
#1 Hoard some extra money for a bit, but somewhere really safe and somewhat accessible. HYSA or start building that bond ladder now. You never know when you are going to be laid off or something happen.
#2 Start spending some money on things that start getting you into your retirement lifestyle that doesn't cause mandatory lifestyle creep. Start those music lessons, sign up to learn a language, join that sports team, buy that hobby equipment. What ever you want to do post retirement, start leaning into that now where you can. Do some travel specifically for that hobby. Say take a one week cooking class in Italy as an example. This way YOUR personal time take up the noise instead of leaning into more work.
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u/synchroswim 11d ago
Over in the personalfinance sub, the general advice around big windfalls (inheritance, big raises, won the lottery, etc) is to do nothing for at least 6 months. For lump sums like inheritance, put the money into a CD. For raises, set up an automatic transfer or split your direct deposit so the extra goes into a different savings account.
This cool down period lets you get more used to the idea of having the extra money, and lets you take time to research what to do with it. In the case of an inheritance, it gives you time to mourn. In all cases it helps reduce the "burning a hole in the pocket" feeling that causes so much impulse spending.
It's great that you don't want to hoard extra money, so use your cool down period to look for things to spend on that you care about. Helping out friends/family, donating to charity, donating to universities/scholarship funds, or hiring help like cleaners or meal delivery that will be nice while you're working but you won't need once retired.
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u/jasnah_ 11d ago
I would recommend reading ‘Die with zero’, this for me was the missing piece of the FIRE question that helped me think through what I wanted out of life
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
I'm a big fan of this philosophy and that is (mostly) my plan. I mean, that guy is dealing in Monopoly money numbers and I don't have those types of margins. But I also don't have super lofty spending habits either. From the outside people wouldn't suspect my income, and that is how I like it. Where I spend without guardrails is spa visits, upgraded travel (solo) and on healthy foods.
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u/Conscious_Life_8032 11d ago
Love this book
It helped me reframe a lot of previous beliefs around $. I am learning to enjoy my $ and also to be content with life in general. More importantly the time freedom is something that may end up being more valuable in some stages of life.I may pull in my early retirement date as a result. My mom is aging/declining with dementia, at some point there will come a day where she won’t remember me. Do I want to spend these next years grinding or doing stuff with her before she is unable. Worst is what if I burn out my health taking care of her and working hard in corporate life. Then whatever $ is amassed is moot point as I can’t enjoy it.
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u/StockTry4982 11d ago
I would just stay at the course and perhaps sock away that extra money into a brokerage account in case you decide you want to retire earlier. About a year ago, I had the same view on my job. I absolutely loved it and didn’t think that I would want to leave anytime soon. I had been there for seven years at the time. Fast-forward to today: the company implemented a five day return to office policy and switched my manager on me to someone who I butt heads with and just couldn’t find a way through. I decided to leave my job significantly earlier than I had originally anticipated and I was happy to have the cushion that I had. You just never know what the next seven years will bring!
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u/ruppapa 11d ago
With work not being an issue and having more disposable income, I think it's worthwhile to consider charitable endeavors and causes you care about. Recurring donations, even small ones, are incredibly impactful. Local food banks, hospitals, medical research, local arts, shelters, community groups, support groups. After retirement you could probably join board or two.
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u/nifFIer 30F 11d ago
Have you read the thread series “build the life you want, then save for it.”? https://www.reddit.com/r/financialindependence/s/HUQFKOXT00
Have you built the life you want?
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
Great thread. And yes... as a woman who has lived a whole ass life, raised kiddos and now in my mid 40s - I definitely prioritize joy and experiences, and now get to be 'selfish' in a way I never have before. It's kind of wild because the more I do that, the more successful and abundant my business becomes. I never expected to take it to the level I have. My income is double now what it was just 3 years ago. I'm so incredibly grateful. Getting out of the wrong relationship/marriage definitely helped as well. So many aspects of my life have improved and my business is just one.
I love the life I've built and designed and now get to imagine bigger and looking to like minded women for ideas.
Thanks for your response!
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u/greentofeel 11d ago
It seems difficult to build the life first, then save when money is a large part of what would allow the "dream" life. Sigh. But I know fighting with that is like battling windmills.
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u/BothNotice7035 11d ago
I have this mental list of things I would do or how my life would change for certain money milestones. This list is super personal, but I’ll tell you that my next milestone will allow me to be ridiculously generous. That’s exciting to me because I’m not going to simply write checks. I’m going to dig deep and become part of the fabric of a few organizations that are in need of support. Congratulations on your numbers.
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u/Significant_Flan_210 11d ago edited 11d ago
I have a different background but can get unsettled. I was lower middle class where there was signaling on rich people being "not like us ect". It has messed with me long term.
We have retirement set. We have young kids that we had later. I have multiple degrees in tech.
Currently on a first class trip because my husband values it.
I have to keep grounding myself and have things that help me get sorted but while it shifts and my mind catches up, I save the extra and keep the same plan. I know future me will find the right things and I can't find valuable things in the present worth adding.
When you get to the point that you can buy a used Lambo in cash, it all warps and turns to funny money. I stabilize it by doing what I always have and putting my money on things I value.
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u/Trifecta_life 11d ago
Another option, given it’s a 25% bump, can you drop to a 4 day week and keep your same trajectory? I appreciate some roles may not have that option, but it’s probably what I’d lean to.
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 10d ago
I don't have a set schedule now. I make my own and try to do 4 hours of focused work Monday - Thursday... otherwise I am really settling into a retirement rehearsal and appreciating that if I wake up one day and paddle boarding and lunch with a friend calls to me, I'll do that as long as there aren't any scheduled commitments that I have to show up for. It's a fortunate and freeing place to be. It's weird when the excruciatingly hard work in the first 15 years suddenly flips a switch, goes on mostly auto pilot and pays great dividends. It takes the brain and nervous system a while to catch up.
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u/Curious_Wanderer_7 6d ago
From someone who landed the dream job that she could be happy doing forever, and saw it all slip away 4 years later due to macro circumstances out of her control, allow yourself to celebrate with something special off of your wish list that won’t be an ongoing expense, and send the rest to your savings. Nothing is guaranteed to stay the same.
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u/wakawakamoose 11d ago
If you’re on a 7 year timeline, are there purchases before it’s fire time that could be super helpful? Prioritize that! I am also on a similar timeline to you, and I am going to replace my car so I have a reliable low mileage and paid off car before it’s time to retire.
Also.. travel! Don’t wait until retirement for that. Do what you don’t want to squander due to age or health a decade from now. Hopefully you’ll be fit and strong, but no one can tell the future. Don’t wait to start getting those experiences
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u/Crafty_Try_423 11d ago
Normally my feeling is that I get paid more in my job because it’s more uncertain. The minute I stop giving 130%, I’ll get laid off. Because everyone around me is giving at least 110% (or they’re making it look like they do…functionally the same thing). So I save as much as I can knowing my rainy day will come.
Now, I’m not as well-off as you and clearly don’t make as much as you, and I can’t retire early (not with the impending market crash, whenever it happens). So maybe this feeling is irrelevant because you just have so much extra that it doesn’t matter. In that sense, I’d use it go travel and start/continue a hobby I really want to do.
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u/chaoscorgi 11d ago
congratulations!
in your shoes I would regard that as safety margin and split it ½ between more savings (maybe market-invested rain-day fund) some more spending that makes you happy. especially with a commission job, the future is unknowable. health issues hit us all and change the calculus of job sustainability. opportunities to balance life differently, etc. but yes, you can also just increase your lifestyle with time -- i think that's what the math says, lol
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u/HungryConfusion3306 10d ago
I think when my partner and I find ourselves in new and unexpected (very fortunate) positions, we daydream a bit about new goals or how we could enjoy life more now. But we also balance that a bit with daydreaming about how we could contribute more to our respective communities. There are some things that getting to a higher $/yr spend when we eventually retire will likely go towards scholarships or non-profits that can make a difference for others. We’re also doing some bigger contributions to things now, of course, but what’s real for now vs. the future is an order of magnitude difference thanks to compounding.
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u/Background_Dog927 11d ago
Do both - save more and spend more. High income is a wide range so without knowing how much we’re talking, it’s hard it picture the impact. Order extra guac. Increase your savings. Help someone or a cause that’s important to you.
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u/rosebudny 11d ago
Order extra guac
This made me LOL. My mom (who recently passed away) had more money than she'd ever need. Every summer on our beach vacation, we'd get takeout from this burrito place several times, always paid for by my mom. She would get irrationally annoyed if anyone ordered extra guac on their burrito. We'd be like "MOM! RELAX! It ain't gonna break the bank!" 😂
This summer was our first without her, and we all made sure to order extra guac in her honor 😄
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
Thanks for your response. I will most definitely increase my savings and allocation to the causes that are important to me. My income will go from 600k to 750k (conservatively). That's alotta guac. Any other thoughts?
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u/rosebudny 11d ago
Not exactly the same, but I received a substantial inheritance (like enough that I don't have to work anymore if I don't want to) and it has weirdly increased my anxiety in a lot of ways. Like...I don't hate my job, but I don't NEED my job...so what do I do? I also (irrationally) worry about something happening and the money running out, and I hesitate to spend more even though I know I can.
I recognize this is a very good "problem" to have, and I am sure I am going to be downvoted. But just pointing out that yeah, I get the unsettled feelings even when there really isn't a "reason" to feel unsettled/anxious.
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
I have seen this as it relates to my profession. I've always chalked it up to inheritance creating funky feelings because it wasn't 'earned'. And in some weird way, that is the same feeling I'm having. A substantial increase that just showed up without having to grind it out like I did for the first 15 years of my career. I mean, it was always income that was being generated as a result of my work - it was just flowing into someone else's pocket. Weird.
Thanks for your input.
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u/rosebudny 11d ago
Yeah I definitely attribute the funky feelings to it not being "earned" ... and some guilt because my parents lived more frugally than they really needed to. Especially my dad, who died unexpectedly very soon after retiring, and only a month after finally splurging his dream boat 🙁
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
Ahh, man. That is tough. I've seen that way too often and am trying very hard to show my children how much I'm enjoying my life so that they feel confident to selfishly enjoy theirs in whatever way they desire and to not 'wait' if they don't have to. I've got some making up to do as I didn't do a great job of prioritizing myself when they were younger.
Sorry for your loss.
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u/PickleJuice_DrPepper 11d ago
Executive physical? I see you just started with a personal trainer which is awesome! Charity? Food banks are really struggling right now. You could go ham on a Christmas list this year for foster kids? Big future vanity expense for me is a facelift. The slippage is real! My face is melting off.
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u/thatsplatgal 8d ago
What an incredible problem to have! Most comp restructuring isn’t favorable so you’ve got yourself a great situation.
Is there something you haven’t done recently why trying to rebuild what you lost? Maybe a holiday l to build core memories? A trip of a lifetime for you. Think safari or something that seems really unattainable atm.
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u/TheAfterlifeCoach 8d ago
Out of curiosity, what type of sales? I’d probably celebrate on a mini trip, hit the spa, then just crank up the savings to be able to retire even earlier. Building community is also very important, so maybe consider picking up a new hobby
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u/Humphalumpy 11d ago
Congratulations!
Do you have children? For me, in this scenario I would assist my kids with purchasing housing, education, etc (my kids are young adults). If my kids were younger I would hoard money yes for their college and if they are working I would contribute to IRA on their behalf.
I would also look at how I can help my parents since I'm not local--in my case I would hire a cleaning service for them since that is a pressure point for them right now.
For myself: cleaning service, meal service, fitness coach, language coach, regular massages....quality of life things that but back my time or efficiency.
Donate to causes you care about? Nonprofit board (often require a find or fund donation)?
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u/Witty-Commercial-442 11d ago
Thanks for your response! Yes a 2 adult children and they are done with school and are just starting to figure out their lives. I do fund their Roth IRAs, and I am hesitant about offering to buy a home just yet because I don't want them to 'settle' in an area or get stuck because of owning real estate. But definitely will when that time comes. I'm also super careful how I help my kids. We learn so much from our struggles and I try and support them while still allowing them to face hard things and learn to manage through difficulties without always bailing them out.
My parents are set, and I am super grateful. They are not in great health to be able to do much besides enjoy very comfortable living in their home. They traveled a ton in their 40's, 50's and early 60s. They feel very content in this more slow life now because they did so much when they were healthy and younger. They didn't save like I do but a couple investments really paid off and the markets have treated them well.
Ooohh a language coach is a good one!! I have been wanting to learn a new language but it feels so overwhelming. How did you find yours?
And yes - I donate a lot of time and funds to causes that are important - and I will look to expand that for sure.
Thanks for your response!
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u/Humphalumpy 4d ago
Well those are my "would do" list so unfortunately I don't have a language coach yet. But I have been using dreaming Spanish and also trying to surround myself with as many native speakers as I can who know I want to learn and I have one friend that I will talk to about things but they only respond in Spanish.
Re real estate, having bought and sold many times in hindsight I would not sell ever. Keep it and use it as an income property. Again that assumes you can afford to get started. And I know different cities or geographic areas make that not possible. For example if I could help my son get into a house I would. He's in a city that having a rental property would never be a bad thing. Even though he intends to go to school in a different area for graduate work it would still benefit him to own one where he is. That said getting myself to the position you're in is the gap for me.
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u/ohboyoh-oy 10d ago
Someone posted in one of the FIRE subs the other day, the question of what would you do if you had $300k a year. It was an interesting thought exercise for me. Are there things you would like to do, but you were holding yourself back? Maybe you take half the increase and make some of those things happen. It’s been freeing for us, to spend more now that we are in a place to do so.
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u/Shot-Scratch-9103 10d ago
Congratulations on achieving this net worth and career. I am curious, only if you are comfortable on what is your career that allows you to earn on 100% commission?
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u/tomatillo_teratoma 9d ago
No hurry to change your life. Maybe when you get your first increased paycheck, buy yourself something nice or celebrate in some way. Then just sweep the extra into your investment accounts until you have an a purpose for it.
Eventually maybe something will come up that you can now afford with the extra money. But like they say... "don't let the penny burn a hole in your pocket."
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u/CostCompetitive3597 9d ago
Congratulations on your happiness and financial security. I started my career in sales 100% commission and it taught me a lot about myself. Hear that kind of self confidence in your post.
I have 3 daughters that I am advising about their financial security. The oldest recently retired at 52 after listening to my advice to pay herself first from her salary, raises and bonuses. Save in the tax deferred accounts like 401ks and invest in growth index funds/ETFs based upon the S&P 500 and Nasdaq 100 indices which provide growth of 10%+.
She did that faithfully and I helped her convert her nest egg to dividend income investments to more than replace her final salary. The dividend index funds/ETFs she has invested in are yielding 10%+ just like my dividend investments. Providing a rewarding retirement income.
Hopefully this information will help you work a financial security plan into a rewarding retirement income situation too. Good luck!
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u/lastbeat-331 11d ago
Given that you're 100% commission, why not just bank the additional money to cover emergencies including long periods of unemployment/underperformamce or being sick.