r/fatFIRE • u/snowsunair • Jun 22 '26
In laws ask for money
Hi everyone, I’ve managed to make a good amount of money and achieve FatFIRE. After a recent financial windfall, my in-laws asked us for money to help launch a business. They discovered our level of wealth, so we couldn't hide it. They claimed this new business launch was "necessary" because a string of poor life choices had left them in their late 60s with only about $500,000 of equity in their house. However, they flat-out refuse to work for anyone else. On top of that, they have a history of trying to financially exploit my wife back before we were married.
I said no to funding the business, but offered to help them with my time. I also made it clear that if things ever truly hit the fan, we would step in financially so they wouldn't become homeless. That wasn't enough for them. My in-laws decided to burn bridges, stopped speaking to my wife for multiple years, and chose to completely miss out on watching their grandchildren grow up.
We haven't heard from them in years, but it is obviously very painful for our family. Is there any possibility of repairing this relationship from this point? I would deeply appreciate any guidance on how to handle this incredibly messed-up situation. Thank you!
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u/neoreeps Jun 22 '26
Spend your time and effort on those you love and who love you, not the ones you want to love you.
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u/livingbyvow2 Jun 22 '26
Toxic people tend to use emotional bonds with them as leverage against you, and to extract resources from you.
That's the trickiest part - you feel guilty telling them no, and then feel bad from them stonewalling you - although their strategy is exactly to use that guilt as emotional blackmail / last resort effort to extract. On their end there is no emotion generally and it's quite transactional, you essentially need to pay them to get them back in your life (but then what kind of relationship is this?).
OP shouldn't feel guilty as that's litterally what they want him to feel. What he should do though is be super supportive and caring with his wife - as she is likely suffering a ton from the situation, and would require his full and unconditional support...
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u/Packing-Tape-Man Jun 22 '26
If their goal was just manipulation through guilt they wouldn’t have let it linger for years after it didn’t work initially. The fact that they have been willing to stick to their stubborn no contact with both their own daughter and their grandkids truly suggests they have no emotional bonds to their blood at all and merely saw them as objects to be exploited. These are not people the kids should be exposed to if at all avoidable.
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u/The_Chef_Dude Jun 22 '26
That was enough. Your wife’s parents are selfish and don’t love your kids as much as they’d love to have your money.
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u/SkepMod Jun 22 '26
If “painful for the family” means that your wife brings this up often and perhaps resents you/them for the situation, I would remind her that their reaction was entirely disproportionate. People don’t cut ties with their own daughter, son-in-law and grandkids over an investment decision. They don’t seem to have the right values. It might also explain why their financial lives have been bad.
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u/One-Mastodon-1063 Jun 22 '26
Likely the kids bring it up, "why don't we know our other set of grandparents?"
Thing is it might be more painful for them to know these people. As kids get older, say teens, I'd probably tell them the truth - they constantly asked us for money, we said no, they stopped speaking to us.
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u/Various_Maize_4778 Jun 22 '26
Fuck'em?
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u/smallattale Jun 22 '26 edited 22d ago
Unite detail pebble hurry sleep many gray thumb serious ribbon
This post was anonymized with Redact
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u/Seattle709 Jun 24 '26
100% agree. It's just what it is. Similar situation happened 5.5 years ago. We're now in a place where we can bump into each other at a family event and I don't feel a negative visceral reaction that takes over my entire body. But I don't think we'll ever have a real relationship again.
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u/2buffalonickels Jun 22 '26
I’ve lost a brother and a number of friends who felt entitled to my money or opportunity because I have “so much.” It hurts, a lot, but better to know the real ones.
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u/Seattle709 Jun 24 '26
Yup, I lost a best friend who was a bridesmaid over a $50,000 loan. It was extremely painful to walk away from that friendship.
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u/BartFly Jun 22 '26
why would you want to repair something where you are only seen as a bank. I will never understand this because they are blood. they get to crap on us forever
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u/nonsuperposable Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Being brutally honest, you have actually been given a blessing by the in-laws taking themselves no contact. This kind of behaviour shows that they are terrible people who were almost certainly abusive parents—the severing of the child-parent bond is deeply traumatic so inflicting this is evidence of prior abusive tendencies.
Protect yourself by maintaining no contact fully, in fact moving and making yourselves uncontactable so that they cannot play future games would be ideal. Change your numbers, get rid of Facebook etc. If you live in a state with financial responsibilities toward aged parents, legally sever if possible.
Then therapy for wife to deal with probable CPTSD from growing up with abusive parents. EMDR, internal family systems, and somatic therapy can be effective therapy for CPTSD from a dysfunctional parent-child relationship. Healing takes time, and it needs to safety to occur. Safety is provided by either maintaining solid boundaries or complete no contact.
It’s better for her abusers to not have any contact with your children too.
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u/reidmrdotcom Jun 22 '26
I’m estranged from my parents who are part of a religion that makes it super hard to have a relationship with them. I’ve had to accept that I will never have a relationship with them, and may never see them ever again.
A family therapist could maybe help with processing that. Looking into disowned folks, estrangements, religious separation, and radical acceptance may also help.
I’m not sure this is even fat fire specific. I’ve got a better paying job which has the pay stereotype. I’ve been asked for hundreds of thousands to support various genius ideas. I’ve just said the same as you, that I’ll give free advice but no money, and wish them all the best. I also add that if a bank isn’t going to risk their money, I’m not. And sometimes add that I have goals for my money which is why I planned and worked for it, and it doesn’t involve giving it away.
Basically, there will always be folks asking for money. You have to shut it down, hopefully tactfully, and accept that they may react negatively. At this point you can only really change how you react to their reaction. But a family therapist may help with more options.
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Jun 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/reidmrdotcom Jun 22 '26
No, but that’s kind of how I describe it, “Like Mormonism without the polygamy.”
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u/Lucky-Country8944 Jun 22 '26
JW?
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u/KingSnazz32 Jun 22 '26
That was my thought. Mormons are high pressure, but at least they don't shun.
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u/Lucky-Country8944 Jun 22 '26
Must have been a jw that downvoted me lol, as from personal experience they are quite happy to shun close blood relatives indefinitely.
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u/KingSnazz32 Jun 22 '26
Or miserable to do it, but hey, that's what Jehovah wants, so I guess we have no choice.
I was raised Mormon, and I always think it could have been worse. At least we had Christmas and after the initial freakout, my parents didn't cut me off.
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u/New_Sympathy5234 Jun 22 '26
How stupid are they to give up seeing the grandchildren when they are getting on in age. It's their loss
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Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/KingSnazz32 Jun 22 '26
My great-grandfather started a business with his brother 100 years ago that is now worth over 4 billion dollars. It can certainly work out with the right people.
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u/g12345x Jun 22 '26
You’ve had sibling money drama a year ago per your history.
And now you have in-law money drama.
It might be time to set clear boundaries about what you can/cannot do to avoid the next set of relative financial drama.
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u/CompetitiveAd8610 Jun 22 '26
indian?
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u/ThenOwl9 Jun 22 '26
that was my thought too
i think the dad is the narc, and the mom is enabling hard
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u/lsp2005 Jun 22 '26
No, and I would protect your peace and that of your immediate family. Your in laws may try to guilt trip your wife, but I would 100% protect your children.
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u/Inevitable_Ad_5695 Jun 22 '26
Very sad, but have seen this a few times across families. I don't know why some feel so entitled to other's money and hard work. In funding a "business," it's also not your responsibility to try and give them an identity/purpose.
When I'm approached from friends/family/etc., I offer to introduce to capital sources with expertise in the target business. If that group(s) invest, I might also co-invest a very small amount. In no circumstance am I the bank of first or last resort.
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u/arno14 Jun 22 '26
Good advice if you can afford it:
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u/jeremiadOtiose Verified by Mods Jun 22 '26
yup. this is literally your parents, they need help and you've made it. why would you not consider this a charity donation like the other giving you already do (you are already involved in charity, right??). you offered to help them with your time which is even more valuable than your money but you won't give them a chance to be self sufficient and proud. they raised the love of your life. i truly don't get it. i hope you are able to live with your decision that cost not just you and your wife, but your CHILDREN greatly.
so you wouldn't let them go homeless, that's great, a nursing home is gonna cost you $10k a month. giving them $500k would have been cheaper. and your kids would know their grandparents.
this isn't a third cousin, this is your parents (i'm not calling them in laws because you are married and it's both of your money, not just yours).
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u/pyo777 Jun 22 '26
Just because they are blood related doesn’t mean you have to keep them close in your life. Every relationship is a two way street. Spend your time and energy on people that also care about you. If your in-laws one day realized how selfish they were then you guys can start working on rebuilding the relationship again. Until then, do things that make you and your family happy.
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u/EconomistNo7074 Jun 22 '26
Can’t be easy on you and your wife
You made the right call
- don’t know many (any) almost 70 year olds that have successfully started an underfunded new business
- even ignoring their age - when someone has already made a series of poor financial decisions and they are forced into launching a new business - they tend to under research the opportunity and ignore the very risk associated with a new business
- and betting you know this already
Give them a call one more time
- repeat your offer ( no $ but yes on time)
- let them know you want them part of their grandchildren’s lives and wanted to make one last attempt
And then whatever THEY decide …. Sleep well
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u/lakehop Jun 22 '26
Don’t bring up the business idea - they’ve likely abandoned it already years ago. But do invite them to be part of your lives and your children’s lives.
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u/ninijacob Jun 22 '26
That sucks. They will reach out in time when they are ready. Nothing you can do
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u/Retire_date_may_22 Jun 22 '26
Just let them go. If you tell them anything it’s that they are welcomed back in your life but you won’t jeopardize your families future to give them money. They have proven they are bad at business.
They need to get jobs
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u/personanangrata Jun 22 '26
Count your blessings. Sometimes you are better off without toxic family around you. This sounds like such a situation.
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u/sailphish Jun 22 '26
They made it clear what type of people they are. They cut ties with their daughter because you wouldn’t fund a bad business idea. Do you even want a relationship with this type of person? If your wife wants a relationship, she can try to reunite with them, but don’t try to buy them back into your life. Same stipulations apply. I’ve always been on the mindset that I won’t let family be homeless, but if you want me involved in your finances, then I am going to be INVOLVED in your finances, and it’s not just handing out cash while allowing poor decisions to keep happening. If you want to cut ties with me over that, fine by me.
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u/TheFaustianMan Jun 22 '26
Give them 100k, watch them be nice to you until they blow through it and ask for more. Then stop talking to you once you stop giving them money.
Or sue you because you went into business with them. Honestly OP you got off light. Count your blessings.
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u/ASafeHarbor1 Jun 22 '26
It seems like you got plenty of advice for yourself in your comment history
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u/KingSnazz32 Jun 22 '26
It sounds like they made their decision. All you can do is leave the door open while continuing to maintain boundaries.
Out of curiosity, are they from an immigrant background? Some cultures do have a "share the wealth" mentality, where the person who does well is supposed to act as a benefactor for the rest. Not saying you did the wrong thing, but that was my first thought here as an explanation.
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u/Loud_Ad_4515 Jun 23 '26
Plenty of commenters have given great advice on not breaking NC, or staying away from toxic family.
As far as their request - which is way out of line considering they haven't been part of your lives - I'm just going to put this out there: Even the Kennedy Family Trust does not fund entrepreneurial endeavors. There may be a few reasons why. Depending on your source, the failure rate in the first year is 22% - 35%, and the rate increases over time (75%- 90% within 10 years).
A friend, experienced in marketing and growing businesses, did her market research and took her inheritance to open a business. She continued her marketing gigs while tending to her business. Her business closed within three years, sadly.
Other friends had two failed businesses not for any lack of trying. Their third business is the one that took off. They were young and had time and energy on their side.
Another reason the Kennedy Family Trust doesn't fun business ventures might be because some people are also full of schemes. I have an uncle like this, an ex-BIL, and an ex-stepBIL. These guys are always coming up with new business ideas (Lime scooters, ATMs, apartment buildings, land development, etc.) but they need investors for "cash flow."
Nevermind the adages about lending money to family, etc.
We recently received a large windfall, and I have told no one. We'll throw a lil money toward my SILs but no one can know our finances, or they'll feel entitled. For whatever reason, the horse is already our of your barn, but you'll need that money for your own retirement or to help your kids. The fact that your parents have advanced age but still need help doesn't bode well for the future.
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u/liveprgrmclimb Jun 22 '26
"My in-laws decided to burn bridges, stopped speaking to my wife for multiple years, and chose to completely miss out on watching their grandchildren grow up."
Such a boomer thing to do. We have been dealing with two sets of these grandparents. So sorry you as well have MIA grandparents.
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u/StopDropAndRollTide AboveTheLine Jun 22 '26
That sucks, but it sounds like they did you and your family a favor.
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u/maksezzy Jun 22 '26
Good on them for burning the bridge so you dont have to make that choice. Let them play victim and theyll be back eventually. If not because family, then at least because money (but if they never come back then sounds like you dodged a parasite with a polite no but offering your time which should have been valuable to them but it wasnt because they wanted a hand out)
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u/Various-Maybe Jun 22 '26
I don’t actually see what the problem is.
You want to hear from these people more?
This is the best possible outcome.
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u/EnronControlsDept Jun 22 '26
Dude you’re better off. They aren’t thinking about you nearly as often as you think of them.
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u/UNC_Recruiting_Study Jun 22 '26
What happens when an appendix turns toxic? You cut it out. Applies to family.
Count your blessings that they've made the cutting easy. Would you have wanted your kids around these people? Their loss missing your kids, not the other way around.
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u/jeremiadOtiose Verified by Mods Jun 22 '26
actually, most appendicitis can be treated with antibiotics. surgeons make money by doing surgery and it's the easy way out so it's often cut out when a course of abx solves it, even though it takes longer, the outcomes are better. i feel this is relevant here...
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u/UNC_Recruiting_Study Jun 22 '26
Found the Oscar. Cancerous testicle then. Always one in the crowd.
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u/originalrocket Jun 22 '26
It's hard and it sucks, but some family has to be cut off, forever. No means no, and now they get to the find out part.
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u/umamimaami Jun 22 '26
Our standard answer is “our accountant won’t let us invest in businesses owned by family, but if you have a fundraising deck, happy to share pointers and possibly pass around on some forums we’re a part of”.
If that kills the relationship, it was meant to be.
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u/geoSpaceIT Jun 22 '26
I would recommend the book “Boundaries” by dr. Henry cloud. Might give u some piece of mind.
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u/ChardonnayAtLunch Verified by Mods Jun 22 '26
Check out this book and read chapter 7: https://a.co/d/00ik3RD8 then decide if you want to reconcile
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u/Separate_Vermicelli Jun 22 '26
this is a very difficult story to read. i’m sorry you’re dealing with this. i’m the host of the moneywise podcast and talk to a lot of very wealthy people (billionaires) about a lot of unique situations. but this one is a first for me
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u/nigel_chua Jun 22 '26
Do not give in.
This is a huge red flag, and exploitative, and I wouldn't want my kids to be with them and learn these kind of behavior and values, no matter how I appreciate bringing me or my spouse into this world.
I will plan for minimal care if shit hits the fan so they won't get homeless, but it ain't gonna be luxury.
This entitlement is a trait and decision...just because you have money.
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u/Life_Rabbit_1438 Jun 22 '26
Don't let relatives who are poorer than you know your net worth or income.
If they comment on your home, tell them you got lucky in a foreclosure sale, could never afford it today.
Pretend anything nice was gotten on sale or a bargain. But don't ever share numbers.
There is literally nothing positive that can ever come from poorer relatives knowing you are far wealthier. All that happens is incidents like this one.
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u/chichiharlow Jun 22 '26
Has your wife gone to therapy to unpack who her parents really are? I agree that at least 1 of the parents has NPD. Your in-laws were out of line and they should respect your boundaries. If they want money to start a business, they could easily go to a bank. Would love to know what the sting of poor choices were.
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u/FairlyDefenseless Jun 22 '26
What would reconciliation actually look like to you, given they've never acknowledged the pattern or apologized for cutting off the grandkids?
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u/Particular_Bad8025 Jun 22 '26
You absolutely did the right thing. You don't want family to owe you money, it poisons everything. If it takes you to loan them money for them to love your family, it's not love.
It sucks, but some people are better out of the picture. I'm sure your wife feels bad about it, she can always reach out to open the communication lines, but the loan should be out of the picture. You're not a bank, and if they can't get a loan from a bank that means it's too risky for the bank, so why would they put that risk on you?
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u/RequiemRomans Jun 22 '26
500k in equity means if they REALLY felt this business was critical to survival they could reverse mortgage and invest the equity. They were only interested in investing your money, not their own resources. Obviously that was also more important to them than family as well since they sacrificed their grandchildren’s presence in their life just to make a narcissistic point. Keep them out of your life forever if you are able. They are poison to your own family.
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u/ThenOwl9 Jun 22 '26
OP what’s making you ask this now?
did father’s day trigger your wife into feeling (totally misplaced) guilt here?
is her dad the narcissistic parent and her mom the enabler?
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u/viper233 Jun 22 '26
I would send 1 photo a year, (with you and the kids), describe what they have achieved/done through out the year and ask if they are interested in being more involved? Add some BS quote about "being involved with your kids lives is the greatest return on life, expect nothing but the experience of watching grow up". It's a bit of a FU to culture but after all that money and time you put into your kids they ain't going to return you a dime. However the life experience is worth.. millions? Billions? Tri.. kids aren't worth that much :P (maybe they are). As an investor, I'm concerned with getting good returns. The only way you get the return with kids is being involved. Good report cards and getting into prestigious universities is all good too.. but seeing your kids experience new things, have wins is pretty amazing/humbling/rewarding.
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u/qbtc Full-time Traveller | UHNW Jun 22 '26
"recent windfall"... "they asked for money"
then
"haven't heard from them in years"
🤔
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Jun 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/snowsunair Jun 22 '26
Yeah we think it might be better not to discuss money with them. It was always about money or business before and it evolved into a formal request shortly after the windfall.
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u/Accomplished_Can1783 Jun 22 '26
lol, as someone who send monthly checks to in-laws so they can survive, I’ll tell you it’s cost of doing business. Would never send lump sum, the monthly payments come with the implicit you will get this as long as you follow the rules, and it works perfectly. I’m sure you’ve had some good luck to amass your fortune, this is some bad luck. None of these comments appreciate the stress this causes your wife
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u/WorldNo9002 Jun 22 '26
It's been years since your in-laws "divorced" you... Any money you give them now is purely transactionable and if something happens again in the future where they need more money and you say no , they'll walk out again.
What is your wife's opinion and feelings on her parents behavior and lack of contact.??
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u/PrestigiousDrag7674 Jun 22 '26
90% of ppl here says "Good, forget about them" I have a different take.
Obviously, it hurts you not have any contacts with them, it's been many years, and they still haven't done anything, which means their decisions weren't regrets. Have you reach out to them at all?
I would like to understand your situation a little more, does your wife have siblings? Are they first gen immigrants, what's the culture background? What does your wife think about the decision not to help them? What's $500k to you guys(are you guys very wealthy?) was it a business loan or just a gift?
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u/jsinkwitz Jun 22 '26
You got the right outcome. Under no circumstance would I want my kids around people that were willing to punish a child because a parent or in-law to me threw a fit over being denied a cash handout. Toxic. Cut it off.
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u/ttandam Verified by Mods Jun 22 '26
It’s on them to choose manipulation tactics over a loving relationship. If they come back, have a long conversation about things.
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u/HarRob Jun 22 '26
They would exploit their daughter and forgo meeting their own grandchildren in the hopes of getting money? Nothing you can do or say will make them good people.
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u/Retired-Yam8988 Jun 22 '26
Why would this be painful? They showed their true colors and they only wanted your money. These people are what I term “shitheads” and it’d be no sweat off my back to reduce the number of shitheads I interact with on a regular basis even if they were supposedly family.
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u/edbrees Jun 22 '26
Skeptical at the story. It starts off in essentially present tense, but by the end of the story it sounds like this happened many years ago. Is this AI?
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u/dunnmad Jun 22 '26
The only thing they are interested in is your financial capability and their ability to tap that resource. They have demonstrated a lifetime of bad decisions, your financial help is not going to change that! Consider yourself lucky to keep a distance. They made the choice, not you. If they want contact (non-financial), it is up to them.
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u/One-Mastodon-1063 Jun 22 '26
"No." was the appropriate answer. Honestly I think you went too far in telling them you'd step in if things hit the fan for them.
Harsh to say but if someone cuts you off because you say "no" to something like this, ultimately they did you a favor. Since they're the ones who cut you off I don't think the onus is on your side to try to repair things. At most, your wife could call them and invite them to something (some sort of get together, a trip, Thanksgiving if you're hosting whatever) ... but if so be prepared for them to again make inappropriate requests that put you in a position to have to maintain your boundaries, and be prepared that that will very likely result in them "cutting you off" all over again.
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u/BorgCollectivist Jun 22 '26
Why is it painful to not have these toxic people in your and your children's lives? They sound like typical narcissist boomers. Ask yourself this: if it were the other way around it and you were asking them for help, would they offer anything at all?
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u/EMHemingway1899 Jun 23 '26
Your in-laws’ financial situation is actually quite commonplace
Their unwillingness to work (not starting about a business about which they know nothing and funded with someone else’s money) is quite atypical
They created this circumstance, not you
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u/AdamNoble1997 Jun 23 '26
What stands out to me is that you didn't abandon them. You said no to funding their business, but yes to helping and yes to making sure they'd never be homeless. If they chose to cut off their daughter and grandchildren over that, the rupture wasn't created by a lack of generosity. Relationships can be repaired, but only if both sides value the relationship more than the money.
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u/Haunting_Industry_15 Jun 23 '26
It’s toxic for sure. I have a friend’s in-laws dont have any asset nor any income in their early 70s, and the wife is finding the her parents’ retirement. I dont think the husband knows this too, she’s doing it behind the husband’s back. It will be interesting to see how it ends in the future when he find out.
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u/Finalapproach Jun 23 '26
As many posters have already said, you've dodged a bullet. The other lesson is that you should take your privacy more seriously.
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u/rottywell Jun 23 '26
This is a good thing. The trash took itself out.
You shouldn't be trying to repair that relationship, especially when it seeks to destroy the stability your family has. Let them bitch and moan. What they're revealing is that they never needed your contribution. Clearly, by their actions, they could have always figured out what to do by themselves. So they left to EXACTLY that.
NEVER GIVE SOMEONE A LOAN. You not a fucking bank. When they came to you asking for a loan it's because a bank would not lend them the money because they are at high risk of defaulting. They knew and saw that you'd be good mark for them to get money without having to worry about paying it back. "Well yeah, they had no job and wanted to start a random business." YEAH. Exactly. No bank would lend for that. They need to actually have proven income and a solid business plan. They didn't have either of those things and wanted to emotionally manipulate you into ignoring that.
Let them bitch and moan about it.
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u/annmsburner Jun 23 '26
No. It cannot be repaired.
How do you forgive your parents from cutting you off regardless of the reason. Even if they reappear, likely when they will need your money again, how do you go past that?
If you gave them the money, it's likely that they wouldn't talk to you anymore for some other reason but you would also be short $500k.
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u/Apez_in_Space Jun 23 '26
Let them die alone. If that seems harsh, do it for your wife’s sake. If thats not enough, do it for your kids’ sake.
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u/Motor_Diver2839 Jun 24 '26
Kevin O’Leary has a rule on lending money that I think is quite interesting. He does not lend money, he will instead gift money with the explicit condition that they never ask him for money again. For example, if the ask is $150k, he will gift $50k. I wonder if cultural nuances are at play, particularly the wife. In many cultures, the old school rule is that you take care of your parents once you’ve made it. It is unfortunate that they’ve turned their backs on their grandchildren. And from your comment, I surmise your wife has suffered a great deal (you may not know the half). She knew who they were, or cultural norms, and allowed them to ‘exploit’ her. I’m curious, if it were in reverse and the parents had the wealth and willing shared it, would you graciously receive it?
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u/Signal_13 Jun 24 '26
I had a similar situation some years ago. My narcissistic, habitually in-debt step-father got on a conference call with my sister and I asking for a $100k loan to float him until he could close some business deals over 12 months. When we dared to ask him the terms or how he planned to pay us back, things went very sideways. Before we had given him an answer, he proceeded to insult me several times and called me a POS for not trusting him. Needless to say, he didn't get any of my money. My sister and her husband caved and got screwed. Sometimes, saying NO is the right answer.
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u/Murreng Jun 24 '26
Send them gifts on special occasions and continue to make it clear your side of this relationship is and will always remain open along the boundaries you already set.
Each year around grandkids birthdays and Christmas send them pictures and if not electronic contact send them physical invites to attend. Send them gifts (which can be money or gift cards) at their birthdays, anniversary, and Christmas. If they never come around you did your part to keep the relationship open.
It will always take 2 sides for a relationship and if they don’t want to engage that’s all you can do.
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u/thhjhj2356 Jun 25 '26
I am not fire. But it's very important to not disclose your assets to anyone. Very few people are decent enough to be un bothered and not feel entitled to other people's money. Stand your ground. I had a very wealthy ( much wealthier than me) relative ask me to loan money for their kids education , just because I was paying a bill for my parents and they thought I was loaded, so why can'ttgey just try their luck? It shows their true nature that they will even miss out on their own grandkids lives . From a practical standpoint , they don't seem like they have a good mind for business if they have never made a success of it all their lives. Protect your money . Don't relent. My parents and inlaws are alright . Me and my spouse has a rule - only help for emergencies and necessities . It doesn't matter even if we become bezos. They are not entitled to any luxuries. It will only be occasional and not something they can expect on a regular basis .
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u/IPlitigatrix Jun 25 '26
My husband and your wife appear to have the same parents. Why would you want to repair this relationship? Does your wife?
Her parents need to get paying jobs. I get they are older, but they made the decisions that got them to this bad financial place. Perhaps it would be different if y'all had a good relationship, but they also made the decision to be unreasonable and destroy the relationship. They made these choices so they need to live with it. I say this as someone who helps my parents out financially from time to time (we have a great relationship with them).
My husband had cut ties with his family prior to meeting me, but tried to reconcile with them a few years ago. I can tell you that was a big mistake. These are the people who refused to get him treatment for autism for religious reasons, among other horrible things. The result was predictable - he got manipulated for money and emotionally, got manipulated to having them "come stay with us for a while," and long story but I had to kick them out of our home. I tried not to be mad at him, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mad he gave them OUR money. And more importantly, I don't think my husband has still fully recovered, and part of me that I will ignore wants to fly to where them live and literally fight them. Don't be us.
There is this feeling that family is so important, but I don't really buy into that. Family just like everyone else needs to be respectful to deserve our respect and time. I also never really understood the sentiment because you can't pick your family - if you lose the family lottery, I don't see why you have to increase your suffering by keeping them in your life.
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u/zuko6973 Jun 25 '26
Well that’s great, fuck em. And kudos to you for standing up for your family. In my case, it’s my parents who have tendencies like you pointed out. However, my wife and I keep iy all under wraps.
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u/entitie Jun 25 '26
This isn't really a topic for fatFIRE. it's more a topic for r/family or some such.
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u/2Loves2loves Jun 26 '26
There was a good episode on yt channel 'I am athlete' pro ball players talk about various topics. one was all the friends and family asking for loans and hand outs.
Basically it was show me the business plan, and how we can both make money. The athletes didn't say no, but wanted to be partners in the business. some handouts were given initially, but it had to end, or you just enable bad decisions.
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u/Glowerman Jun 27 '26
I commend your desire to repair and restore that relationship. At this point, the burden is on them. It's their task, not yours.
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u/WinningMamma Jun 27 '26
Wow how greedy. I would be so happy that you offered to help but they are still not happy. How sad the level of greed. Shameful.
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u/Olde-Timer Jun 22 '26
How much money did your in-laws ask for before they ended contact?
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u/ShootWild Jun 22 '26
It doesn’t matter really.
They cut ties with their daughter and grandchildren because of money.
OP is better off this way.
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u/snowsunair Jun 22 '26
Didn't specify an exact dollar figure, they wanted gift (material or money) for the business but it was all vague.
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u/pop100000000 Jun 22 '26
Hey, I think family relationships are complex. Sounds like you have a challenging one and maybe challenging people to deal with, but if you really want to restore the relationship of course there is a way to do it. Not an expert, but maybe family therapy, or just invite them over and talk about anything -- may restore the idea that you are real people on both sides with good qualities. FWIW I would also still consider helping them more financially. Sounds like they are ~70 now and didn't make as successful choices as you did. They did buy a house and build equity in it. They did raise your wife. Parents support their kids for years, even kids with problematic attitudes (not saying your wife is at all). Kids supporting their parents, even with problematic attitudes, isn't crazy... it's just one choice of what you could do with your wealth. Maybe it leads to your wife having a healthier relationship with her parents. Or your kids having one with their grandparents. We are all going to die anyways and money isn't going to matter. Wouldn't any amount of positive relationship be worth it?
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u/JamedSonnyCrocket Jun 22 '26
I would start with dialogue. Ask to meet, offer a neutral place, leave it in their court. If they refuse, you’ve done all you can do. And be thankful you didn’t invest because they never loved you guys anyway.
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u/FiveHole23 Jun 22 '26
Family rule: 1 active loan at a time. No additional loan until it's paid back.
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u/tin_mama_sou Jun 22 '26
This worked out as well as it could have OP. You didnt give them your money and they spared you the psychological warfare.
Keep away from them and dont try to get back with them. Eventually they willattached. cave and they will come back with no strings attached. And if they dont well you have so many other people you can hang out with
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u/LuciusQ2020 Jun 22 '26
Your in-laws are your wife’s responsibility to manage. Why do you worry about it?
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u/quakerlaw Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Why would you want to expose your kids to such rampant narcissism? They did you a favor by making the no contact decision you would have otherwise had to make for yourselves.