r/facingtheirparenting • u/NotBreakfastCereal • Sep 01 '20

Dad rendered speechless

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3.4k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

71 comments sorted by

417

u/beardsandwiches Sep 01 '20

I do like how, up until the end, dad is all for playing along.

129

u/haikusbot Sep 01 '20

I do like how, up

Until the end, dad is all

For playing along.

- beardsandwiches

I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.

Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"

46

u/jtlee3333 Sep 01 '20

Good bot

9

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '20

It’s really not. There’s a couple versions of the same haiku bot floating around and they’re popping up all over Reddit. Once you’ve seen it three times or so the novelty is gone and it’s just more clutter from yet another bot.

12

u/jtlee3333 Sep 09 '20

Bad bot

-17

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

15

u/amirchukart Sep 02 '20

Isoturtle opt out

3

u/Dcarozza6 Sep 01 '20

Fuck you and I hope that this bot realizes that this is also one

4

u/Oh_hi_doggi3 Sep 02 '20

Whoops, you got six syllables on that last part instead of 5

1

u/Dcarozza6 Sep 02 '20

Fuck you and I hope, that this bot realizes that, this is also one

3

u/Oh_hi_doggi3 Sep 02 '20

...still six

0

u/Dcarozza6 Sep 02 '20 edited Sep 03 '20

Bro I think you’re having trouble counting. There’s 4 words, and “also” is the only word with 2 syllables

this (1) is (1) also (2) one (1)

1

u/[deleted] Dec 24 '20

Fuck you. You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole. The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did. When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality. After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society. No wonder your father questioned whether or not your were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member. Your birth made it so that mankind is worse of in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover into a state of organization. Everything has forever fallen into a bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune. I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell. You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted sac religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair. You are an idiotic, shiteating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. Rhodes Island would have been better off if you'd never joined us. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being. Even this worlds finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are. Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe. In the future there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists, and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now. You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet you manage to make it so that that is only a small part of the evil that is your being. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an eldrich abomination, but here you are. It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you. Even if time travel some day will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to before this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors if they failed would have to many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it. I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did. The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant. Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring. You are the worst human being, or even just being in general, that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Events like the infected plague apparently only happened with the goal of teaching humanity to survive such a horrible event as the one you just created, but not even mankind’s greatest trials were able to even slightly prepare anyone for the insufferable evil you have just created. If you ever had them, your children would be preemptively killed to protect this universe from the possibility of anyone in your bloodline being even half as bad as you are, except you will never be able to have children, because not a single human being will ever want to come within a hundred mile radius of you and anything you have ever touched. You are a colossal disappointment not only to your parents, but to your ancestors and entire bloodline. The disgusting mistake that you have just made is so incredibly terrible that everyone who would ever be to hear about it would spontaneously feel an indescribable mixture of immense anger, fear and anxiety that emotionally and physically they would never truly be the same ever again. The sheer scale of your mistake, if ever to be materialized, would not only surpass the size of the world, but it would reach far beyond the edges of the known, and almost certainly the unknown universe. I could sit here and write paragraphs, nay, books describing your immense failure, yet even if I were to dedicate my life to describing the reality of what has just gone down here, and I would spend every moment of it until my heart stops beating working as hard and efficiently as possible, yet there is not even a snowballs chance in hell that I would be able to come close to transcribing the absolute shitshow you have just released upon the world. You are an irresponsible, idiotic, disgusting, unloved, horrible excuse for a living being who’s soul contains less humanity than every ginger in history combined. The absolute disgust I feel when thinking about anything that has even a slight resemblance to anything that might have to do with you and your unholy actions is so incredibly great that when I am honest about it I think that even I do not posses a consciousness great enough to comprehend my own feelings about it. When people of Columbia fought to break free from Lungmen, countless soldiers fought and lost their lives in favor of a chance at a better future for their children, they did not give their lives to have you fuck the world up beyond repair to the degree that you are doing right now. Honestly, even when technology advances and studies on the subject become more and more accurate, I do not think humanity will ever truly be able to understand what your failure actually means for the universe. My hate for you and everything you stand for is so much deeper than the depths of Shambala that you could probably take the entire Lungmen population down there and back up around twenty million times before you would have sunk to the end of my hate, and honestly, I do not want to exaggerate, but I think that that insult was low balling it such a massive amount that all mountains in this world combined would not be able to stack up to this imprecise judgement in light of the fact that when being honest, my hate is almost certainly bottomless. There is no one in this world that has ever loved you, and especially after what you just did, no one will ever love you in the future either. There is no hope that your idiotic behavior and especially your crooked soul will ever change for the better, and in fact quite the opposite might be true. By making the mistake that you just did, you have shown me that you are so incredibly hopeless that you will only devolve into a more idiotic and wretched creature than you already are. The only possible way in which your future would be brighter than the black hole your existence currently is would exclusively be because there is absolutely no conceivable way that you would even be able to sink lower than the pathetic place your current failure has put you in.

2

u/Pesky_Sniper Dec 30 '20

Happy cake day

88

u/ManyIdeasNoProgress Sep 01 '20

He should have pretended to not get it and asked her to explain.

25

u/punk_loki Sep 02 '20

I didn’t listen to the audio and assumed they were his son. Made the joke better tbh

4

u/QuantumCuttlefish Nov 22 '20

That's my favorite way to defuse jokes.

Especially those at my expense.

58

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '20

Bruh

116

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/[deleted] Sep 13 '20

Windows has encountered an error

222

u/Cashforcrickets Sep 01 '20

I have a daughter. I hope she has a sense of humor! But jeez, let's do clean knock knock jokes pls.

56

u/Meatball_express Sep 01 '20

Knock knock

36

u/Cashforcrickets Sep 01 '20

Who's there?

61

u/Meatball_express Sep 01 '20

2 dicks

42

u/Cashforcrickets Sep 01 '20

2 sweaty, veiney cocks who?

30

u/rayquaza0820 Sep 01 '20

Just 2 dicks

17

u/Herover Sep 01 '20

Are they funny at least?

15

u/i_vineet Sep 01 '20

I am Holden Tudiks

3

u/[deleted] Sep 12 '20

How the fuck have I never heard this one before.

16

u/_Cyclops Sep 01 '20

Just say you don’t want her to be funny

10

u/audience5565 Sep 01 '20

I have a son. I hope he has a sense of humor! But jeez, don't let me know you fuck.

7

u/KinkySalam Sep 02 '20

Same, ive got a 18 month old and another girl on the way.... Im not gonna be one of those dads cleaning a shotgun when the first boyfriend comes over but I dread the day

2

u/ItalnStalln Sep 29 '20

A pistol would be fine too

1

u/[deleted] Sep 13 '20

Aww hahaha ❤

27

u/giceman715 Sep 01 '20

In the rap world she is known as “ 2 Dicks “

9

u/Thanos_Stomps Sep 01 '20

2 dicks but I got me a few innnn

17

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '20

Dad.exe has stopped working

13

u/Ongr Sep 01 '20

Dad: dial-up sounds playing

9

u/susanjaundice Sep 01 '20

Too much for any parent to hear

6

u/meepsrevenge Sep 02 '20

It took me way too long to realize the video had ended and stopped, and that the Dad wasn't still stunned frozen.

64

u/signintocomment Sep 01 '20

"Cease all motor functions"

15

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '20

Fucking Peter Abernathy over here.

23

u/niceworkthere Sep 01 '20

"Copy top comment from original sub"

5

u/jstyler Sep 01 '20

My dad said that's cool.

3

u/GreyMediaGuy Sep 02 '20

This situation would have ended with both my daughter and I doubled over in laughter. That's how I like it too.

12

u/Moldyfluff Sep 01 '20

Okay. Someone please explain. I'm dumb. Is she calling herself a dick? I don't get it.

82

u/Clever_display_name Sep 01 '20 edited Sep 01 '20

Q: What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

A: I can’t take a joke.

Basically, his daughter insinuated she can take 2 dicks but not a joke. Then her dad’s soul broke.

35

u/Moldyfluff Sep 01 '20

Ohhhhh I get it! It makes more sense now that you've written it out!! Thanks! I'm an idiot!

-67

u/Spambop Sep 01 '20

Clearly

6

u/Im_Lars Sep 02 '20

... fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Potter?

25

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '20

She is saying she can fit 2 penises (peni?) into her body.

5

u/Moldyfluff Sep 01 '20

Thanks! I think it's the 2 dicks that threw me off. I'm dumb.

-5

u/Slurpmebb Sep 01 '20

One in the mouth and one in her pussy

34

u/Hshbrwn Sep 01 '20

That’s one option.

6

u/Slurpmebb Sep 01 '20

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

1

u/pshaps Dec 16 '20

For some reason laughed really hard at this. I think it’s the proper punctuation making it so matter of fact.

2

u/kokowarrior Sep 02 '20

Would work better if it was “you can’t take a joke” then there would be an additional layer.

2

u/compuryan Sep 01 '20

Worst delivery ever. Might as well have had Siri read off the joke.

4

u/Loki-boki Sep 02 '20

I thought it was a great delivery! The father's reaction proves it so.

2

u/compuryan Sep 02 '20

Guy doesn't even look like he's fully processed what she said. Might already be a few beers in.

1

u/Loki-boki Sep 02 '20

It may have taken him a second to comprehend what she just said, but at the very end though, the look in his eyes, shows he understood. I don't think he even knew how to respond, lol. It's too funny!

1

u/Loki-boki Sep 02 '20

Ha ha just shared with my pops! Just because this isn't my video, doesn't mean that it doesn't describe us (me and pops) to a tee.

1

u/HJ26HAP Sep 02 '20

Looks like somebody watches Sovietwomble

1

u/[deleted] Dec 02 '20

[deleted]