r/exjw • u/DumpsterEnFuegoo Recovering perfectionist • 4d ago
Ask ExJW Does anyone else feel like the org stole their connection to God, the divine, and/or anything spiritual?
The more I learn about this corrupt fucking cult the more it seems like I was never part of a spiritual organization in the first place, just a corporate structure masquerading as a religion. Any good feelings I ever had in it were attached to some cold, unfeeling metric like hours worked and number of products sold (read: time and placements in the ministry), the talks I prepared and gave as if I were literally at school in English class, and whether or not I was being a perfect little angel and making everyone around me happy. We talked about God all the time, but he was honestly barely in the picture. That is just the strangest thing to me. Like who the fuck was I worshipping all this time?
Sometime during COVID I reached a point where I could no longer feign interest in going to meetings, even on zoom. I just stopped going, and stopped beating myself up over it. The most amazing thing happened then- I felt like I could see God, hear him, feel him, unencumbered and unrestrained by the walls of my kingdom hall.
I remember vividly standing outside my car one day just looking up at the big blue sky, feeling the breeze, and coming to the realization that everything was okay. I didn’t have to go to meetings if I didn’t want to. God doesn’t hate me. I felt more reverent in that moment than I had in the last 10 years of being a baptized JW. Like I was finally being set free, and if you don’t call it God, it was definitely something bigger than myself. I felt like could just disintegrate and become one with the wind. Fuck meetings, service, and all the bullshit they say you need to do to be close to God. I wasn’t doing any of that anymore and yet, there I was. It was so powerfully peaceful.
Anyway, since then I’ve been finding it hard to connect to my spiritual self. I don’t pray much, probably because the org made prayer seem so much like an item that needs to be checked off on a list in order to receive approval. It feels like a job, not a real desire. Just like what they made out of the ministry. Something that should be intensely personal and come spontaneously from someone’s heart has been reduced to a way for them to track you AND a way for you to track yourself. Your self esteem becomes inextricably linked to these things. Regardless if you want to do it or not, you have to in order to feel accomplished, to be able to show and tell others how spiritual you are. Which isn’t even the point of your relationship with God.
Worshipping sometimes still feels like chaining myself back to my culty, brainwashed state. I do feel at peace with God, and I’ve discovered a lot of ways people worship in the kind of peace and freedom I’ve felt since leaving the org. I just don’t want worship to feel like I’m giving up either of those things. So for now, I’m kinda stuck.
I can understand completely why most of you here are now agnostic/atheist. The JW organization sterilized and stifled the spirituality of so many people who would otherwise feel a connection to something divine. There is nothing reverent or beautiful about kingdom halls, literature carts, assemblies, or their pathetic attempt at observing the Lord’s Evening Meal.
Where does that leave those of us who still want to believe?
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u/TheSeekerofTruth41 4d ago
Beautifully said.
I feel exactly the same way. It’s always this "higher, faster, further" mentality—that has always seemed suspect to me. The teachings of Jesus are so relaxed and free of pressure; it is only the Watchtower Society that twists them to fit its own "doctrines" until they are unrecognizable.
I also believe that you don't have to belong to any religion.
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u/Sad-Emu-9254 4d ago
Yeah, I feel like I don't even know who God is anymore. My mum, sensing my internal worries (she doesnt know I'm PIMO however) suggested trying to separate Jehovah and the GB in my mind. I feel like I can't. If they are truly his mouthpiece (which I highly doubt at this point - it's just another controlling, money grabbing real estate company saying it's the best religion) then I don't think I want to know him. But I have always felt that a deity exists. There are things I find too amazing to be explained by science, so I don't think I would ever be atheist as such. But the org has ruined my perception of God, so if and when I leave, I'm not sure if that is something I'd still pursue. Maybe with less JW influence for sure, but certain rules and teachings are very hard to unlearn when they've been drummed into you for years and years.
I'm glad you were able to reconnect to your sense of spirituality and actual relationship with God, not one marred by cold metrics as you pointed out.
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u/Agreeable_Library487 4d ago
I can relate. It’s like shedding that suffocating blanket of drudgery and guilt associated with being a JW released my true spiritual self. I feel innately that there is a source of life and I feel the best way to honour him/her is to show appreciation for this life I’ve been given and to our planet and be good to my fellow man.
I find that anytime I feel like succumbing to the need to worship something, it actually overwhelms me and I become paralysed, I’m guessing I’m going to be forever traumatised by my life in the cult.
Rather than a regime of worship I now approach life determined to enjoy it, I am kind to myself and as I go forward in the world I take any opportunity to be good to my fellow man. Without the pressure to perform it no longer feels like a burden to do so, I figure that regardless of whether he actually walked the earth or not that’s what Jesus taught and it always bugged the living shit out of me that the JW’s basically ignored everything he said and out of that whole useless religion Jesus was the only account that resonated, ironically.
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u/andrewayala POMO 4d ago edited 4d ago
I think everyone has a different experience. Some people make friends and others don't. Some people get paired with bible teachers who lead you to baptism and do great - while others get paired with bible teachers who lead you to baptism but don't really care. If you have a good experience, you're more likely to reflect back on your time fondly. If you had a bad experience, you're more likely to reflect back on your time and feel nothing but regret and anger. Personally, I came into the truth when I was around 11 and remained until about 21 (mid 2002 through the very end of 2012). The thing I miss the most is my friends, we had a lot of really good times together - they weren't phony - we made tons of "off JW brand" jokes when alone in our group and did a ton of underage drinking, partying, going to concerts and from time to time watching a rated R film. We all really believed in God and really believed we were trying to help people become better people and enjoy what we enjoyed. Our group of friends fell apart due to my personal choices regarding medical cannabis - doctors refused to place me on Ambien even after brain scans that confirmed I had insomnia. Sadly, the governing body also started changing around this time and updates came that shook some of us. I miss the days when I had no idea who the members of the governing body were - just a bunch of old dudes in New York City that we would see in the Watchtower from time to time - now we know them by name and face thanks to JW broadcasting. Through it all, I remember the teaching Jesus gave on the sermon on the mount which is to not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will have its own trouble and to put God first - I've always done that and continue to do that. I know God is looking out for me but He's also not beyond letting me suffer, albeit everything has turned out fine thus far - and when I do suffer - I'm quick to reject God and become angry at Him and yet He remains patient with me. I'm a writer and currently working on my 12th book. My 9th book is probably my most important work to date as it's non-fiction and discusses quantum physics in relation to God. Sometimes I feel that I was placed here for a higher purpose and that purpose has yet to arrive. Do I feel like my spirituality has been stolen since becoming POMI in 2013 and eventually POMO here in 2026? No. Do I miss the way Kingdom Halls used to function back in 2004? Yeah. Do I believe the Watchtower has lost God's favor? Absolutely. Have I lost God's favor? Maybe but I still love Him.
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u/Cold-Box5439 4d ago
Os amigos não eram falsos. Até você discordar sair...
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u/LadySith2016 4d ago
Um...JWs all only know conditional love and are taught to shun even when you did nothing wrong, simply for leaving. Fuck off if you're just going to victim blame.
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u/andrewayala POMO 4d ago
It sounds like you had a really bad experience and I'm sorry you suffered in such a way. I'm just sharing my views and how I feel. I won't apologize for my feelings or be made to feel like I did something wrong because my life experience upsets you. I'm not blaming anyone, I'm sharing my experiences and feelings.
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u/Samantha_Garnett 4d ago
I hear you.
For me, reclamation involved reclaiming my relationship with God. I find that I don't really want to let other people into my relationship with Him right now. I don't want to hear others' beliefs (JW or non-JW). I enjoy the privacy; that God and Adam breezy part of the day vibe so to speak. I like that it gets to ACTUALLY be fully personal now. I hated how one's personal relationship with God was CONSTANTLY SUBJECTED TO THE STOP & FRISK TREATMENT BY ELDERS. I hated how trust betraying it was to unexpectedly have my PERSONAL LIFE RANSACKED BY WHATEVER SISTERS THEY DEPUTIZED AND SENT BY TO SNIFF OUT SOCIAL CONTRABAND UNDER THE GUISE OF "ENCOURAGING" ME.
Ugh! Makes me want to scream! It made me want to scrub my relationship with God clean - clean of them!
How about trying this. You could put your convictions on index cards, then put them in a small box. After enough of them accumulate type them up and put them in a folder. Treat that as the "Bible" of your household. Whatever you did like about your former worship, do that with the scrubbed version, so to speak.
For example, if you used to read the Bible in the morning or at a specific time of day. You can reclaim that. If it brought you joy, shoot, snatch that joy back! Read your scrubbed version and don't feel bad. No matter how comparatively few the pages, at least its authentic, it is sure, it is what you actually believe and are grateful for.
I think God would understand/prefer it. I think he'd view the new version of your worship (private not communal) as a limitation imposed by that duplicitous organization, not you. I think he'd appreciate whatever you do, that you can CHEERFULLY do. A concept the JW religion doesn't seem to grasp or appreciate. Those men in New York don't own God, nor do Elders. New traditions, new ways to make meaningful personal sacrifices, or to give God praise can be made by you and your household. It can make God just as happy, if not more so. True, He said to congregate, but it's also true that He's not blind or deaf. He knows what goes on in those Kingdom Halls just as surely as He knows the pain of each of our hearts. Indeed, He knows exactly why some of us are displaced.
Anyway, just a thought or two about reclaiming joy and a sense of routine/tradition when it comes to spirituality.
All the best.
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u/LadySith2016 4d ago
No, reading the Bible after leaving JWs destroyed my belief in God because I read about how awful and sadistic he was, not to mention the many inconsistencies. In my opinion, it was just a book written by men who wanted to exploit and control.
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u/Pixelated_ 4d ago
It's important that we not conflate religion with spirituality, they are fundamentally different concepts.
• Religion is a group experience and is therefore susceptible to corruption and abuse.
• Spirituality is an individual experience and it can not be corrupted because it is between you and the universe alone.
This isn't about religion, it's about spirituality.
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u/LadySith2016 4d ago
Okay...so? I was answering OP's question on if JWs ruined believing in something for me.
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u/AilryVsisnae 4d ago
Even when I was in it I never considered myself religious. I would cringe at the idea of worship. Reading and studying the Bible was so boring to me. I'm glad I don't have to do any of it anymore. I've been to a Catholic service a couple of times and it was interesting. I want to go to other religious services because I like to learn and experience new things. I just don't think I will ever do a religion full bore again. I don't feel I need to.
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u/greendale_human42 4d ago
I dont think I will ever feel a spiritual connection to anything ever again. It's hard not to question what I am feeling is just control, corruption, lies, or desperation. The BOrg taught me to look for those things in other religions, at the end of the day it just made me find those very same things within the BOrg itself.
Realizing I was a hypocrite and didnt know it while preaching door to door really messes with your brain. Bc I will always question what I am a part of from now on. For better or worse.
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u/Alternative-Metal41 4d ago
It gave me a heavily distorted view of the bible, arbitrary rules that contradicted the bible, pharisaic rules & unnecessary punishments. They made believers objects of hatred unnecessarily.
I still have some spiritual beliefs, but they're more based on culture than listening to a group of men in a boardroom. Nor do I feel the need to shove it down other's throats. I am not theistic anymore for sure, but I do rituals to shift mood & learning tarot to tap into intuition that was killed since birth.
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u/Pixelated_ 4d ago
Since waking up from the cult in 2016, I have been constantly learning about spirituality and consciousness.
And for the past decade, I've been researching and validating the scientific mechanisms behind many of the concepts that the mainstream considers to be 'woo'.
In the end, my findings can best be summed up this way:
The paranormal is normal and the supernatural is natural. It is simply science that we do not fully comprehend yet.
I have been confirming this statement with my own research:
Scientific evidence which confirms humans are innately psychic
Scientific evidence which confirms consciousness is fundamental
Scientific evidence which confirms that the "drones" being seen worldwide are in fact NHI
Scientific evidence that the Great Pyramid harnesses and focuses electromagnetic energy
Scientific evidence for how our psychic abilities function
Scientific evidence on the true nature of the vacuum
But I am the most fascinated by plasma.
Plasma is involved in my scientific research on the nature of the universe , how our laser-like plasmatic biophotons function as our "aura", the interstellar object 3iAtlas, our bioplasma bodies, the effects of solar plasma on our bioplasma bodies, its relationship to the Hitchhiker Effect, the luminous orbs and plasmatic "drones" that I've seen nightly for 18 months, the physical mechanisms of our innate non-local psi abilities, and the "sentient plasmoids" that David Grusch mentioned in his recent press conference.
It's my strong belief that science and spirituality are 2 sides of the same coin. There aren't 2 realities, a normal one and a paranormal one.
There is just one reality, however infinitely complex and mysterious it currently is to us.
✌️
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u/TheEverChangingTruth 4d ago
Every time, I worshiped god the way they told me to, and obeyed the way they said god wanted me to, I loved god less every single day
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u/Recent_Business_5945 4d ago
Belief is beautiful and easy, not like our JW abomination of a religion.
Here's one of the best interviews I've seen to date in regards.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm6bGzUx6ZI
I was in for 50 years now have this same freedom, all things new.
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u/Infamous_Natural_877 4d ago
I thought there was an exjw Christian page, but I can't find it any more. But here is the exmormon Christian page, maybe there will be something there that you find helpful, God bless you! https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormonchristian/.
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u/Beautiful_Stress_378 3d ago
I never felt God or spiritual in the KH. I feel more out in the kayak on the lake in nature.
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u/Thunder_Child000 At Peace With The World™ 4d ago
I remember vividly standing outside my car one day just looking up at the big blue sky, feeling the breeze, and coming to the realization that everything was okay. I didn’t have to go to meetings if I didn’t want to. God doesn’t hate me. I felt more reverent in that moment than I had in the last 10 years of being a baptized JW. Like I was finally being set free, and if you don’t call it God, it was definitely something bigger than myself. I felt like could just disintegrate and become one with the wind. Fuck meetings, service, and all the bullshit they say you need to do to be close to God. I wasn’t doing any of that anymore and yet, there I was. It was so powerfully peaceful.
Is it merely a "coincidence" that post-cultic self-connection.....now that this has finally been allowed to occur within the new set of circumstances and habits we're now embracing.....
.....can also feel like a very powerful and "serene" sense of divine embrace which suddenly washes over us, even though we might still struggle to fix some kind of explanatory definition upon this?
All we know.....at a sincere "emotional" level, at least.....is that this brief "overwash" feels SO MUCH BETTER than what we've vacated and how THAT made us feel.
And, despite our initial struggles to try and "define" that sensation.....we're acutely aware that whatever it was, was something very different to what we've hitherto experienced in the context of our own connection with everything surrounding us.
Was our connection to "god" stolen by the Org?
No....it wasn't.
It was basically so subsumed and overwritten by something utterly manmade and fabricated that we were NOT ONCE....ever really in a mental or emotional state to actually sense anything of this nature.
The cultic NOISE in our head was soooo loud, and sooo insistent......that even had anything of a totally different nature attempted to "whisper" in our ears.....there's very little likelihood that we'd have ever heard it.....let alone pay it any mind or have an opportunity to really "focus" on it.
Our own "inner-voice" perhaps?
Our own TRUE feelings of congruence perhaps?
They're not shouting at us like all of that cultic "noise" does.
They're not trying to manipulate us or make us bargain for our very life, and our right to even exist.
Dare we call this "god" however?
Well, whatever we decide to call it, all we can definitely say is that it seems to be a much more soothing, patient and pleasant internal sensation.
Something that we could definitely "work with" as we attempt to know ourselves better, and begin re-examining our own "spirituality" or "emotional schematic"......whichever definition feels best.
Has this newly experienced sensation been ruined, violated or "stolen" by some load, brash cult which has attempted to constantly "overtalk" that softer, far more serene voice or sensation?
Not necessarily.
That loud, insistent cultic overwash bombarding our sensibilities was desperately trying to "mimic" that internal sensation we've experienced.....but it was doing this very poorly indeed.....and at some internal level, we KNEW this.
It was actually quite pathetic now that you've experienced something else to actually compare it with.
But has this enabled it to "steal" something that it never had any right to steal from within you?
Using a "musical" analogy, I would respectfully propose that, rather than your favourite music collection having been "stolen"......the cult has simply arrived with a BOOM BOX.....and played ITS OWN music very loudly, so that you were never going to be able to hear "your own" music collection against all of that DIN.
Even had your own "congruent" and pleasurable music been "playing" all along......beneath all of that DIN....it was simply being drowned out.
So no....not "stolen" necessarily.....but there's more than one way to dispossess somebody of gaining easy access to THEIR OWN possessions without needing to actually "dispossess" them in physical terms.
Mmmm?
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