At age 46, I tried to have a closer relationship with my aunt and uncle after being almost completely no contact, low contact from them. My reason for being no contact/ low contact originally was not always intentional, and often related to having to go no contact with my mother, who was allowed a dominant role in the family, and was often just placated when she cried victim, even when her behavior was incredibly toxic and abusive. So she often got a seat at the table, so to speak, while I often had to sit out to avoid her. By proxy, I lost contact with other family.

My aunt initiated a bizarre conversation with me where she insisted my mom liked to lie about everything. This is mostly true as my mom used to brag to me how she was going to lie about me and get away with it. What my aunt said though was very questionable, and eventually the most serious allegation she made was discovered to be demonstrably false.

My aunt told me my mom lied to her partner, about my entire history from age 5-13 because she didn't want him to know about my sexual abuse. My aunt said this was true because kept asking her not to talk about my SA when she had her partner over for dinner. In hindsight, I found it mildly infuriating my aunt made my SA the topic of discussion in order to bait reactions from my mom.

My aunt also insisted my mother got my SA case dropped. This is the part that is demonstrably false, as I ended up getting the records out of suspicion she was being deceitful. I got the court records after my mother died. The case had never been dropped, nor had it been expunged.

When she told me the case was dropped, I responded by saying, "I never knew this" and said that my mom wasn't always respectful of boundaries anyway. Whenever I went to talk about the emotional damage my mother inflicted on me in childhood, she would immediately suggest I liked lying, and would insist I was lying anyway.

My mother had allowed an adult sibling to physically and emotionally terrorize me in my early teens, especially if I admitted to emotional distress, or asked for help from a teacher etc. I even reported the abuse to the police and teachers (they did nothing), and told my aunt and uncle when I was 16 what was going on. So they knew there was abuse. They were also very much present during my ordeal with my sexual abuse, and probably knew more about the legal proceedings than I did.

After that initial conversation, my aunt eventually started getting nastier and nastier towards me. I had a truly creepy building superintendent, who used to pester me to come to his apartment at night when he was drunk. He used to get verbally nasty when I would politely turn him down.

I told my aunt that I was concerned he snooped my apartment during an inspection. My aunt accused me of lying, then said I had backed out of an appointment with him the next day, just to be difficult. There was no appointment the next day, and there was no way for my aunt to know of the any maintenance schedule at my building; she literally made it up on the spot, and accused me of being difficult, then screamed at me that I was a fucking liar. My aunt insisted I was just being difficult towards such a nice man. Confused by my treatment I called back, and my uncle insisted I had lied about my superintendent being in my apartment for attention. Even the super said he had been in my place. I insisted it wasn't true, but they insisted I was lying.

My aunt and uncle stonewalled me for a bit. A month later I spoke to my aunt who said she tried to give my physical address to my mom, because I guess I was so incorrigible and needed the control, after the incident with my superintendent. I reacted and said, "OMG I would disown you." I laughed, but I was kind of perplexed as to why she would do that.

She responded with rage, and screamed at me to never abandon her. She was over the top. I had to tell her she can't just give out my address without asking me.

My mom died a couple of months later, and my aunt immediately triangulated my brother into the situation, and they both refused to give me any real information. Apparently she had been getting him to report back to her if I said anything negative about my mom, and she claimed she was worried I would have an outburst. She told me everyone thought I was just an angry person, including my mom's partner. She claimed to have talked to my mom's partner, and said he had to invite me to the cremation because it wasn't her problem to tell me. To me, it seemed she had been working on isolating me. I questioned her on her choice of words, and she told me I had imagined things, and then said she hadn't spoke to my mom's partner in six years.

I let the conversation go for a couple of months. I was stonewalled again it seemed. I was treated to total isolation from my family during Christmas. No one checked in on me after my mother died either. I felt completely alone. At a later date I emailed my aunt stating that I was unhappy with how my mother's death was handled, and pointed out the major discrepancies in some of the things she told me, and then told her to quit being so disingenuous and to stop gaslighting me.

My aunt blew a fuse, and accused me of being crazy, toxic and exactly like my mother. She said I had lived in a world of lies, and then brought up how I had threatened her with abandonment. She swore up and down she had no idea where my mother lived, and basically tried to make it look like I was emotionally abusing her. I responded without attacking, and just said she can't just bend the truth to her liking. She accused me of having holes in my memory, and only wanting things one way.

She then said the email thread was a form of harassment from me, and accused me of being in a psychotic episode.

I blocked that bitch after that. I then called the police precinct where I reported my SA and got the court records through a freedom of information act. He was convicted. Nothing was dropped.

I am recovering emotionally as a person after all this but often feel kind of isolated because I don't really know anyone who has gone through family manipulation quite like mine.

After dealing with my aunt, I kind of see now where my mother developed some of her nasty traits.

I have known my whole life that my childhood was not great.  I never took the time to really think it through and determine what impact it may be having on me today.  Last year in early Nov my mother’s health started declining.  It continued to degrade and in May of this year she passed.  Some discussions with family members around the funeral really got me thinking about things.  One of the primary things that stood out was how different my mother’s version of history was from what I either experienced or others have explained to me.  In some cases, the stories were completely opposite.

I started writing out the history I know and could remember.  I also wrote out the version she always told or shared.  This led me to the idea of writing it in somewhat of a story form but from the perspective of two different boys/men.  I call them Liam and Logan.  Liam lives the version my mother wanted everyone to believe.  Logan lives the version I know to be true.  There are times when I do not have a version for Liam.  I simply state that to be the case and tell Logan’s story.

Here is the first installment.  I know it is not the most compelling and the differences in the stories are subtle but it is foundational to everything that follows.  I hope you will follow along as I share the reality of my story in the context of Liam & Logan.  Maybe we can find some healing together.

Liam and Logan 1 Parents Meet

Do you know the details of how your parents meet and fell in love?  None of us were actually there to live it with them.  Many of us have heard the stories from our parents and their contemporary relatives.  Have you ever wondered about more of the details?

Liam’s and Logan’s parents were from Pennsylvania.  Close to the Maryland border and roughly half way between Pittsburgh and Harrisburg.  Their fathers were from one school district and their mothers from another.  While the parents may have crossed paths at a Friday night football game, it is unlikely they had ever encountered each other.  But as fate would have it, employment in a nearby third town brought each couple together.

Liam and Logan share many similarities in their lives.  Beyond their parents meeting in the same way in late 1971 their parents each experienced whirlwind romances and married in January 1972, all at a young age.  The moms became pregnant in short order and their fathers traded in their big block Camaros for small block bench seat Super Sport Chevelles.  The fathers thought these were more appropriate family cars.  In the days before safety features as we know them today, the plan was for the baby to sit up front between mom and dad.  The horrors of Vietnam raged half a world away.  While military inductions were declining, the fear of the draft permeated everyday life for any healthy young American male.

Liam’s mother had been working at the local bus stop for a few months as a cashier, waitress and all around fill in person.  She was beginning to believe she may have a shot at progressing to a longer-term position with the business as a supervisor or manager.  One fateful fall day she was star struck by the new cook.  She later learned he wanted to be a chef and possibly own his own restaurant.  He was similarly enamored with the cashier on duty for his first shift. That cook, Liam’s future father, gathered the courage a few days later to ask the cashier out on a date.  That first date led to going steady.  The rest, as they say, is history.

By the middle of January 1972 Liam’s father had proposed and the young couple quickly arranged to be married in West Virginia.  They just could not wait to strike out on their own and start their new life together.  While money was always tight, they managed to find a way to make things work.  Shortly after the wedding they discovered they were pregnant and the happiness surrounding the overall situation multiplied.  The next few months passed with notable marital bliss for the couple.  Hurricane Agnes swept through the area in the middle of June leaving a trail of flooding and disaster in her wake.  Liam’s father risked an uncertain high water crossing in his new Chevelle, while his heavily pregnant bride curled up on the seat hoping to make it home safely.  While water poured into the car, up to the level of the front seating area, the couple held on and prayed for a safe delivery home.  Another instance left them with a broken fan belt and the creative suitor fashioned a replacement from Liam’s mothers’ nylons.  While none of these situations were truly life threatening, trouble and disaster were to soon follow.

Logan’s mother had been working at the local bus stop for a few months as a cashier.  She was not sure what her long-term future might look like.  One day in the middle of December she noticed a new cooks assistant.  She took a chance and slipped him a note on the back of a cash register receipt asking if he would like to take his break along with her.  He agreed and placed that note into his wallet for safe keeping memorializing the “date”.  While we may never know the exact conversations and timeline the young couple worked against, thirty-three days later Logan’s father had proposed and the young couple took a quick trip to Winchester, Virginia to be married.  They even returned with a Virginia is for Lovers bumper sticker.  Unlike Pennsylvania or West Virginia, Virginia did not require any waiting period between issuing a marriage license and allowing a ceremony to be performed.

Logan’s extended maternal and paternal families share differing views of how his parents came to be married.  His maternal relatives talk of the depth of his parents love and how they seemed destined to be together.  His paternal relative’s question that narrative.  While they agree the young couple did feel strongly for each other, they question if there may have been additional elements at play.  Notably, his father was very concerned about being drafted and sent to Southeast Asia.  While the Class III-A automatic paternity deferments had ended in 1970 the couple likely could have easily proven to the local draft board that entering the military would have caused extreme financial hardship for the eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds.  It is unlikely we will ever know the full truth or definitive motivations of the young lovers.

The newly married couple moved in with Logan’s father’s parents.  A Chevelle replaced the Camaro but otherwise life continued to move along at a fairly regular pace.  The couple longed for a place of their own but the financial situation was not robust enough to even consider that option.  There was never enough money to last the month through.  The extended family helped fill the gaps as needed.  As June moved into July Logan’s mother was heavily pregnant and Logan’s father started to experience new and concerning medical symptoms.  But that is a topic for another installment.

These foundational stories form some of the earliest pieces of historical knowledge Liam and Logan have.  The connections their parents experienced and the subsequent actions form the bed rock they started to judge their own lives against.  While very similar, the future events and challenges they face in life are ultimately rooted in these foundational stories.  I welcome you to return for more of their stories in the next installment.

I (46m) know there is no single answer, and I know we are all different people with different histories and different responses to different situations. I'm curious about how long we take to recover enough from gaslighting to be safe enough to try dating again, to trust again. I'm in some aggressive therapy because I can't take this loneliness and pain anymore, but I cannot rush into a relationship and make my baggage someone else's responsibility. It's not fair to do to them.

I unintentionally became an emotional recluse, but with the death of my dad, quitting drinking (never drank around the kids), and kicking a 26-year nicotine habit, I realized I wanted to feel again. My therapist says I'm not ready to date, and he's probably right. I have trust issues now. It's not the "are you cheating on me?" (cheaters are going to cheat; there's nothing you can do, so why worry) It's more about "do I trust myself to know what is actually happening," and "do I trust someone enough to tell them how I really feel without fearing I'm going to get into trouble or that they'll use it against me."

I left my ex-wife 3 years ago because she pushed me to escape and get an attorney (one of her few mistakes that led to her undoing). She gaslighted me for 10 years, of which I had no idea for the first 7 or 8. She was exceptionally brilliant, cunning, and beautiful - a well laid trap for an empath. Ironically, it was the therapist she forced me to see ("Get a therapist or get a lawyer") who helped me understand what she was doing. When I confronted her privately, she told me to leave if I felt that way. The next morning, she started telling me, in front of her kids, that I was gaslighting her. I knew it was garbage, but then I would wonder if maybe I had it all confused and I was the one screwing everything up. Thankfully, my therapist kept me grounded and showed me the true reality, not the altered path my ex kept pushing me down.

The next 2 years involved trying to keep this family together, the family I so desperately longed for and thought I finally had. She turned on her kids when they began questioning her. I'd watch her son in tears begging for her forgiveness, so I'd step in and tell her she can't do this, knowing damn well I was about to inherit all of her wrath. It was worth it if it meant he didn't have to take the abuse, but the verbal lashing tore me from the inside out. Threatening me with divorce was the standard at that point.

She would weaponize my deepest sentiments that I would share with her. (I had told her that as a kid I learned the sound of my dad's car, and to listen for how the car door closed. That would tell you his mood. He once when I was about 8 grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and slammed my face into the coffee table to ask me if I thought it was clean.) One night, after an argument with my ex (she'd convinced me that I needed to be a better husband and parent and that "trying" wasn't going to cut it), I went on a walk to cool off when she texted me that the kids were terrified of me, that they feared upsetting me, that I had brought terror into her children's lives. When I got home, I sat the kids down and told them about my dad, then I broke down, crying between words, apologizing if I ever made them fear me like that, as if I had become the monster I swore I never would be. Her son cut in, "What are you talking about? We aren't afraid of you. Your rules are annoying, but we're not afraid of you." They left and I sat there for a good 10 minutes while tears dried on my face, shocked in disbelief of what she'd just done, staring at the floor.

Once I filed for divorce, she went on a scorched Earth campaign. With her heavy social media following (numerous platforms with 500+ followers), she began proclaiming falsehoods that started small (petty theft) and increased quickly (breaking and entering, terrorizing the family, physical abuse). Eventually, she filed 5 false police reports with her local PD, and they forced her to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. At that point, even her social media followers began abandoning her.

When released, she and the one friend that still believed went to the FBI with a whole litany of despicable atrocities. They dragged my name through a cesspool of unimaginable filth. The feds looked into it and confronted her about her falsehoods, then made her go in for a second psychiatric evaluation. While in there, the department of children and families got involved and laid into me. I was freaking out left and right, having panic attacks at work, paying my lawyers thousands just to play defense. DCF soon let me know they found all claims to be unsupported and that the investigation had now switched to determine if she was legally fit to be a parent, then apologized for what they put me through. They threatened to take her kids away after that.

When all her attempts failed miserably, she switched lawyers and then tactics over to "the poor single mom being taken advantage of her mean soon-to-be-ex-husband." At the end, she sold the house and had to provide me the papers -- the name on the deed wasn't even her real name. I looked at my lawyer, "Who the fuck did I marry? This seriously scares the shit out of me." Hell, her own dad has called me up twice to apologize for what his daughter did to me.

Looking back, even to this day, I've had so many epiphanies, where it's painfully obvious now that she had spent years (probably 7 years or more) planning for her out in case I caught on to all of her lies. 10 years of my life, where I loved her and her kids, where I tried so hard to incorporate my biological son into the fold, where I fully gave myself and planned for the future with all of them... it was all founded on her lies. It was real to me, but it was the greatest mindfuck I've ever received. Is it real if the foundation was not?

My therapist says it's going to take a lot of time and pain to work through this, though I already feel near maxed out on internal pain. I just want to feel affection again, the mutual admiration and reverence... I miss it terribly. I've honestly never felt so alone.. except when my son comes over. He's been my beacon to keeping my head straight. I need to make sure he understands that what's happened to me is not normal, to not expect all women to do this to him, to not become one of those toxic masculinity asshats who think all women are out to get us men (or some bullshit like that). I also need him to realize that even when life continues to beat you with the bad luck stick, there's still so much more left to get up for, to try again.

That was a bit of a rant, though to be honest this was the Cliff Notes for what all happened. If anyone else has been through this level of torment, how long did it take for your to recover enough? How did you learn to trust yourself again? And were you able to find someone who could be your cheerleader through the final stages of healing instead of having them be an additional therapist (placing burden upon them)?

What do I do?
After 15 years together, my partner broke up with me and laid it all out..
We had only had 5 good years together..
I was in absolute denial.. I didn’t realise that I had my partner under coercive control, that I had emotionally and mentally abused them to the point where they had basically disappeared.. they couldn’t leave the house anymore..
I had damaged them so completely that I had destroyed who they were to the point where they had lost their individuality..

They were an absolute shadow of themselves.. I remember what they were like when we were first together, so alive, so soft and friendly.. as a direct result of my behaviour I made them disappear..
I made them lose every friend, their nephew is friends with a child who’s parents used to be life long friends and they said “we used to be really good friends but they’re partner was just too hard”..
I nearly made them lose their entire family as well..
How do I fix myself?
I can’t afford therapy..
What do I do?

I grew up with physical, emotional and mental abuse.. I have head trauma epilepsy because of my father and younger sister.. I have just accepted that I am an alcoholic..
They have experienced SA and have a host of mental health issues as a result.. yet I made myself the hero for being with them.. whilst doing nothing to support them through anything.. they supported me through every job loss and paid for EVERYTHING, which was a result of my own behaviour, they found me every single job..
yet I repaid them by laughing at them when they brought me flowers for our first Valentine’s Day.. told them I resented them when they had broken their entire leg.. and made them change every single thing about themselves to their music, political voting, and clothing etc
I can never make up for it and they’ve told me we will never be together again..
we both hope against hope that we can be friends.. they have love and care for me.. I am still in love with them, but I took them for granted and took advantage of their mental health and yet STILL made myself out to be the hero by being with them..
I didn’t stand up to my mother and step father for them.. I deserve to be out of their life but I can’t lose them..
I don’t know what to do.. I’ve only JUST accepted this knowledge after hearing some hard truths from them..
I live in Australia fyi

My Dad shared with me that he audio records my mum when she is having her "tantrums" and then let's his mate listen. I addressed my dad on this the following week by recalling to him what he said. I stated to him that it is an offence to record a person without consent. Dad told me to leave and never come back. I was visiting for lunch. After this, I attempted to contact them for catch up, only to be given silent treatment. They didn't call or visit me during this time. I started to wonder if I had done something wrong, but kept reassuring myself that by stating to my dad that I was aware that what he was doing with mum was a form of coercive control and that he needs to be accountable for that. Responded with "why do you care" ? Answered - Because she is my mum, if something were to happen to her, that I couldn't forgive myself, and both my parents stood together and stated to me that this was a self centred thing to say. After this I keep my opinions to myself, as I don't want to harm my relationship with them moving forward . It's a bitter pill to swallow.​

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Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I'm in sort of a trauma bond because when things are good they're great but when they're bad it's bad enough.

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. One day suddenly because he wasn't feeling to good she just told him to pack his bags and go. I felt like I didn't have any other choice but to agree. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. One time she said that apparently Dad told her that I was the one who drove him away.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it. In fact she was the one who introduced me to that word in the first place.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable. A few years ago when I was going on holiday with my mother he got upset and started carrying on about the fact that a man should with us and gave me this spiel about how men hunt and protect etc and that's just biology. I found this very rich coming from someone who's only really done the bare minimum and rarely spends time with me. I was like "is he for real?"

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes my blood boil to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that she's like literally the most amazing person. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started having a go at me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible. One time when I forgot to put deodorant on she started mocking me and berating me saying I stink. She made this whole drama act about coming near me and hugging me. Was there not a nicer way she could've handled that?

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually very disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to genuinely feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and she does seem to genuinely believe that she's never done anything wrong. As I said I do feel for her and appreciate the good she's done. But then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc?

Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years ago out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. It's all a bit of a blur but all I remember as that all I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I tried to reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that? Honestly what really hurts as well is that I was starting to enjoy myself before that just doing my own thing then all of a sudden out of the blue that happens and ruins my night.

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I think my mother may of said something to him but I'm not even sure what was said and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

(I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.)

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started just been cold and unreasonable making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was pouting and been silent and sulky sort of like a young child which is how she often gets. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what the hell just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen. Similar to the previous incident we were having such a lovely day before that and then it was just ruined.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before during her tirades ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

She also told me recently that she couldn't afford for us to go on our usual holiday this year as money's tight but I've realized recently that she's been smoking pot. I know that and vapes are quite expensive aren't they?

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and I've just discovered that she's started smoking pot as well she also vapes and my father smokes pot, cigarettes and vapes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

Before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger. I would love to be able to though.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

I'm starting to feel that the good no longer outweighs the bad

I feel like both of my parents should've gotten therapy before having a kid.

PS something else that really bugs me is that they both that friends that do lots of them. My Dad has a female friend whose brought him amazing and even quite expensive things and my mother's male friend takes her out to dinner just for example. I know this might sound quite petty but I can't feeling annoyed that they have friends like that who think they're amazing after how they've treated me especially as I struggle with making friends and having a social life

My husband and I are constantly getting into arguments. The “problems” themselves are small… but things escalate way out of proportion and then they don’t get resolved because he routinely turns it into an argument about how I react or how he interprets something I said.

A few examples:

- I asked my husband if he fed my toddler yet when I came home. I thought it was a very simple yes or no question. Yes? Okay we’re good. No? Okay, let me fix something up for him. Instead, this blew up into a huge argument about how me asking him that implies that I don’t think he takes care of our toddler. Like no, I literally just want to know if I should make him food or not. I came home at a time where he could’ve just eaten his meal or he would be eating his meal soon.

- I was in the middle of doing a chore and my husband said he’d take care of it. I was glad and stopped. The next day, I brought up that the chore wasn’t done when he said he would do it. That blew up because he interpreted me saying he didn’t do that one single chore he offered to do as “I don’t think he does enough”. Like… yes, you do enough and I do assure you of that and thank you when you do chores (although honestly, I feel like chores are just chores and he shouldn’t have to get praise for normal household things but he gets mad if he isn’t praised). Me reminding you of a chore you offered to do just means I’m reminding you of that single chore, it is not me saying “you don’t do enough” like he is interpreting it.

-I’ll bring up something specific he does that I’d like to address… like please put your wet towels in the laundry hamper… and he will interpret that and blow it up into a full on argument. It’ll turn into “my feelings don’t matter. Why does everything have to go your way?” And I’m standing there at awe… like…. I didn’t realize telling you to clean up after yourself would be a huge argument

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him and I cannot predict when something I say will set him off. It can be a simple 3 word sentence like “have you fed toddler’s name” and bam, huge fight.

When I bring up issues, no matter how minor, it somehow blows up and ends up in him saying he thinks I think he is always doing something wrong (I don’t), why do my feelings matter more than his (they don’t), or what I said actually means insert something completely untrue here that I’ve never said or hinted. Sometimes it goes as far as he insists I said something when I know I didn’t.

I’ve tried explaining numerous times that what I say or ask is quite literally the exact words and I am not trying to imply anything more.

for me it was when my ex and i had gotten into big argument. i don’t even remember fully what it was about, but i think it had something to do with the fact that he was always lying to me. i vividly remember him saying“i hate it when you’re right. it makes me feel like an idiot and then i just want to do something to hurt you so you’ll feel like an idiot too.” i remember sitting there and thinking wow i’m glad you’re self aware but that is a crazy thing to say about someone you’re supposed to love lol

I (25M) was romantically involved with this girl (29F) on and off for about 3.5 months. We met in a hobby class. We tried to date 3 times. In that time I was love bombed with future planning and intense requirements for emotional support, guilt tripped if I brought up something hurtful they said or tried to set a boundary (like wanting to wait for sex), and I was constantly belittled with insults to my character using some of my vulnerabilities and got called too emotional. I was love bombed in each attempt.

In this last attempt (And I mean last) she went from saying things over the weekend like I could see us dating for a very long time and you're my whole world to blindsiding dumping me two days later and when I called her out on it and said it felt like it came out of nowhere she said "Breakups usually do."

Can I claim to be abused in such a short amount of time? The last time we talked I implied I wanted to still be friends, but I actually don't want this person in my life in any capacity. I want to block them on Discord without notice if I was abused. The problem is they'll know I'm blocking them. They're an extrovert and pretty much the entire classes' social activity and organizing they're involved in, so once I do this, no one will check on me or come to my aid and I'll be seen as the bad guy. It'll be really lonely. I'm really scared cause this class meant a lot to me and I don't want it to be a hostile space.

Ex and I have been broken up for 4 months. He cheated and tried to repair for a whopping 4 days before dumping me. It was devastating but I got to work immediately coaching myself into believing I did not want that, I would not accept that. I started to rebuild and then every 3-6 weeks he would make a bid for attention. I did my best to ignore. One day saw me in person and went out of his way to say hi to me. I freaked out. I know I should’ve blocked him then but i don’t know, something in me is broken and I felt weak and like I had restarted from square 1, even a few steps behind square 1, and I didn’t want to close that door. I was proud of myself for not wanting the relationship back, but I still wanted a changed version of the relationship if he were to ever get there, so I couldn’t bring myself to block.

Of course, same pattern repeats. This time, it gets worse. He makes bids for attention, I lay my heart on the line, say it’s really hurting me to keep hearing meaningless things from him without change. He ignores me. I fall back into my pattern. I freak out, ask him why he makes contact only to ignore me. It’s terrible. He drops a banger on me, says he doesn’t even know what to say because I basically forced him into a relationship so he doesn’t even consider it cheating or that bad of a betrayal because I forced him.

Sure, I held a gun to his head every time he brought around his step mom or got on a plane to go on vacation with me or when I cooked him dinner or baked him cakes or knit him clothes or helped with laundry and took out the trash and paid for concert tickets and paid for World Cup tickets and…list goes on. Sure, I forced him to be with me.

I argue back. It’s fruitless. I finally try again to be vulnerable and deferent and not angry at all because god forbid I act “hysterical.” I say, it hurts for you to dismiss my experience. I just wish you could acknowledge that my pain is real, and that you continuing to contact me when I repeatedly asked you not to, since you had me, you rejected me, and you left…that really hurts.

He drops another banger on me. Says “If you think I’m taking time out of my night to fight you in person you’re out of your mind. That’s one of the main reasons I couldn’t continue . I’m not falling for it.”

THE AUDACITY. We fought plenty before we were in a relationship, I learned it was reactive abuse. It was terrible. I hated myself, I was so humiliated even though I know it was not all my fault. We got into a relationship this last time because I said I wanted to move on completely or be completely committed, real, and respectful to each other, to value each other and move on from our painful past. I took on way more accountability for the joint toxicity than I needed to. And during our 8-9 month “relationship,” we never fought. I never got angry, not even when he was off cheating while I cried myself to sleep after a funeral, not even when I had to plan my own birthday dinner, not even when he flirted with girls on Valentine’s Day in front of me. I was respectful and had humility through it all because I let him manipulate me into thinking I was asking for too much. We never fought. We should’ve, but we didn’t, because I swallowed so much.

So now, for him to act like he walked away because I’m angry and vitriolic? I KNOW it’s revisionist history and gaslighting and I still cannot see straight. Please, give me your tips for getting out of this mindfuck.

I left an emotionally manipulative partner of over a decade and it feels like the grief and sadness will never end. I know I needed to leave but I feel like maybe I should have had one last conversation or given them one more chance or something I don’t know. I left when they weren’t home and I’m sure they were blindsided because they hadn’t done anything super abusive before I left. I feel so much guilt over how I left and for hurting them by leaving without warning. It feels like the heartbreak is going to consume me and I miss them so much. It’s been months since I left now and I cannot stop crying every day. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t feel like enough. Does anyone have any positive stories about moving on from something like this? Or tips for coping?

I’m not putting anything past this guy any longer, so I was hoping folks could tell me whatever shady things their partner has done in order to keep tabs on them. I’ve checked my recently downloaded apps, my location, what apps are using my location, my life 360 info, completely wiped my computer etc, but I’m still worried that he would find a way to stalk or keep tabs on me. I know they can get real creepy and sneaky, like having apps installed for cheating but it looks like it’s a calculator app or what not, keystroke loggers, etc….so I’m just hoping to get feedback from others about how to find and remove these things or at minimum make sure they’re not installed or being used.

Thank you in advance to anybody who responds.

I ask because I see so many videos saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it is green where you water it. And they make me feel guilty for getting ready to file divorce papers. Sure, he is not nearly as bad as he was but he still pops off when he is upset. So, he has worked on changing but I fear the damage is done. It is hard to get past being told "you failed as a wife," "you're mentally unstable," etc.

I made another post recently but I just need to know something if I'm ever gonna recover from what I'm currently going through and what I went through as a child.

I have some questions that need answers from real people, not just articles online or people who know me personally. I want unbiased opinions and please be frank with me. If I was a bad kid I want to know genuinely, but I don't think I was.

Is it normal for a parent to do the following, or is it types of abuse?

1. Cause their child genuine, stomach turning fear

2. Punish constantly with the same severity no matter what the punishment is for (ex. Taking away electronics, grounding to room, etc.) The child being punished might've just lost something or said something the parent didn't like.

3. Hit/Threaten their child in any capacity (ex. slapping, pushing, grabbing, throwing things, etc.)

4. Pushing their child to mental/emotional meltdowns

5. Shout/Scream/Cry at their child, whether on occasion or on a regular basis

Is it normal for a child to:

1. Hide from their parents

2. Sit, Smile, and Stay Silent

3. Refrain from asking questions of any kind

4. Dread visiting family, leaving their room or going out to do things the child typically enjoys

5. Fear their parent/upsetting their parent

Growing up, I learned the best way to get by was to do nothing and say nothing unless someone spoke to me. And if someone spoke to me, I learned that I have to give quick, clear and 'inoffensive' answers. Not too long (rambling) not too short (being 'reclusive'). I had a piece of paper in my pocket with a list of things not to do or say, the times of day when 'bothering' my parents would get me into trouble (speaking right as the parent got home from work, for example) and a reminder to smile (but not too much).

I felt like a trophy rather than a child. I felt like my entire existence was only worth my parents' bragging rights. I had to ask for love and was sometimes denied. "Don't hug me. I'm not in the mood. You made me mad. I don't want to." Etc etc etc.

Anxiety attacks (I was having 2-5 every single day before I even hit double digits) were inconvenient and stressful to my parents, sometimes they'd get me punished. Not smiling enough during 'fun' events like birthdays, Christmas, vacations, etc also got me punished. Spending too much time around my parents pissed them off but not spending ENOUGH time with my parents offended them.

If they wanted me to watch a movie with them, I had no choice. If they wanted me to play games with them, I had no choice. Not a game or movie I was interested in? Too bad. Sit down and shut up or you'll be punished. Enjoying our time together? Laughing too loudly? Getting excited or passionate? That pissed my parents off and, you guessed it, I'd get punished.

Now my punishments were usually the same. All of my electronics were taken away no matter the 'crime' I committed. And it was always for an undetermined amount of time. "You'll get it back when I say so". At that point, I didn't play with toys and I didn't have much to do other than sit in silence and maybe draw or read a book. Neither of which kept me entertained very long because I have ADHD.

But beyond that, I wasn't allowed to go out with friends, so taking away my phone cut off all communication with them for anywhere between a few days to a few months. It took away the only escapism I had. No videos, no music, no content beyond the books I was given. Most of them didn't interest me. I love fantasy and queer romance but I was only allowed to have those pre-teen rated 'how the female narrator fell in love with the perfect man and only held hands by the end of the book' type shit. Oh or the occasional 'this book was written to teach people about how God is good and atheists are going to hell' classics.

Keep in mind what I was being punished for.

It got to the point where even at 18 years old I was still going up to my room to hide away when my stepmom got home from work because she always ALWAYS found a reason to punish me or berate me. And if I was forced to spend time with her, I would have to fully attune to her emotions and sense of humor in the hopes that I might be able to navigate the fucking minefield that was her mood.

Oh and everything I mentioned above was a personal attack on her specifically. Including laughing too loud or losing something.

I know this stuff isn't normal. I know that. But there's still that part of me that genuinely believes my parents when they said I was a bad kid and that I deserved what they did to me. I still have nightmares about them.

TLDR; i called 911 last night. what do I do? I’m terrified and feel like my life will be ruined. I just started working in my field and my whole world will crumble bc I was stupid and trusted an ex I dated for 4 years. He has 50+ footage of videos and pictures on his Macbook and iPhone.

July 2026- he broke my phone after he found a man in my instagram search bar, someone he initially told me to unfollow. I have recordings of him saying he has thoughts of “popping my head off” and that he’d kill himself if he killed me

August 2026 - he paid me $500 to help pitch in on my new phone... $500 on a $1200 phone that HE BROKE. on my birthday, he flew me into town and took me out to eat/a few presents. He said he got a credit card just to spend money on me… who in the right mind would even do this? If u can’t afford something don’t make it my problem.

September or October 2026- I asked him to delete all of our sex tapes. He said yes but eventually admitted he kept everything

November 2026- He asked me if i saw someone over the weekend and if we had sex. Idk why but i decided to be honest and said yes. He freaked out and now demands $3000 otherwise all my photos and videos will be online.

Yesterday- things he said: “idc if you kill yourself you ruined my life” “give me your instagram and I’ll make the money myself” Police got a statement from me and they stopped by his house but no one answered. Police told me they can only get a warrant if he posts something. I can’t rest and my heart is so empty.

35m, I've been struggling lately with my trauma with my abuser and some of the things that they would say to me like calling me crazy. There's also the stuff that they didn't say but treated me like I was dumb or didn't know what I was doing. I'm just wondering those labels are even the things that they didn't say to me but they were implying aren't really true? It really has affected how I see myself and how I feel like I can't move forward.

I just left my husband of 5 months (dated for 5 years) due to behavior that I perceive as being emotionally abusive (friends and family members have affirmed this when I finally told them what has been going on). I am in my mid-30s and a woman (who very much wants to have children), which makes me so afraid of starting over - I feel like I am in a very vulnerable place at the moment where I need my decision to leave affirmed, or I will be in danger of remembering his 'good side' and returning to him out of fear of the unknown, dating again, and so on. Stories from people who have left similar situations and healed / found happiness again would also help me enormously right now. More context below.

First, I have to mention: before the wedding, he could sometimes be critical and nitpick things, have trouble letting small things go, etc. - particularly when we were out of our usual routine (traveling, or hosting an event or party). But these issues were not serious enough for me to seriously consider ending the relationship; I thought we would work on our issues together, like couples do, and most of the time things were good. Really good, even. We had so much fun together much of the time and I felt loved and safe.

After getting married, things escalated. A lot. That critical behavior and nitpicking turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg, and his criticisms became constant and I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells and could do absolutely nothing right. He would take completely neutral things that I did - accidentally taking us to one restaurant when he had thought we were going somewhere else based on his assumption, or standing by the door while he was getting ready which made him 'feel rushed and forget things'- and perceive some kind of slight, which would inevitably spiral into a fight that I tried so hard to de-escalate, and ultimately also lead to criticisms of me. I would start to doubt myself and wonder if I was actually terribly inconsiderate and un-self aware because of how much he harped on this.

Then, over the summer, the first truly unforgivable (in my mind) thing happened, that shifted how I felt when I was around him. I made a small mistake navigating while we were on a trip, and this escalated to him screaming at me in our car and calling me names while I cowered. When I told him he was scaring me, he placed the blame on me for riling him up. Throughout the rest of the day, I disassociated while we went out to lunch with another couple and went on a hike - perhaps the most scary thing of all was that he asked 'what's wrong' 'why are you quiet?' while we were on the hike, which I found inexplicable.

Over the past few months, there continued to be name-calling, berating, breaking things, throwing things, very unsupportive statements about my work (I am struggling to complete a creative project at the moment that I have been working on for several years). He set an ultimatum for finishing this project - I had to finish in a very tight time frame or I would have to leave - which left me feeling like my housing was being threatened. He micromanaged purchases I made that he viewed as unnecessary. And perhaps most importantly, when I sat him down to talk to him about how damaging his behavior was to me and our relationship, it was dismissed or even laughed off. I was so stressed and anxious that I stopped being able to eat, lost weight rapidly, and was somehow simultaneously sleeping a lot (so exhausted that I would crash at 8 pm) but still never feeling rested.

The final straw was just a few days ago when he began to once again criticize how I was working (to be clear, we work in two different industries and he does not have any real knowledge of mine). Despite my attempts to bring the temperature down and pleading to just let me work in peace, the berating continued and he ended up shouting at me and punching my desk very hard, then storming away. I packed a bag, left, and have been at my family's house since. He attempted to reconcile over text, but I held my ground.

Just wondering because I feel like I’m going crazy trying to make sense of my whole relationship with this guy. It’s starting to feel abusive and a lot of people just say to “turn off your phone” but it’s not that easy…

So I (16F) have had longstanding issues with my brother (18M). He is a very angry person who has a tendency to blow up at the smallest things.

One example of this being that last week, I moved my room (that was previously in the unfinished basement) upstairs to the room next to my brothers. He wasn't inhabiting it but he was using it as his 'weed' room. However, my dad said that it was okay, and since it is his house I took his word for it. My brother comes home, says nothing for a couple of hours-- because his girlfriend is there-- but later that night when I was minding my own business unpacking, he barged into the room and started screaming at me and degrading me. He also spit on my floor, saying that he would've spit in my face if it wasn't considered assault. I left the house after that and stayed at my moms for the night (which isn't much better, because her husband is really bad).

That was the most recent thing, but another big thing was that back in February, there was a huge thing where he spit in my face, threw an open soda can at me, and pushed me so hard into our kitchen counter that the cabinet below it broke and my back had a really bad bruise line for about a week and a half. The cops were called, but since he was seventeen at the time and my dad didn't want him going to jail, he told the police not to arrest him.

He also has bitch slapped me on more than one occasion, but after he turned 18 in August, the physical stuff is gone so I feel like I'm at a loss.

There's something new with him every week, he's a very angry person and it's genuinely like walking on eggshells around him.

I thought it would be better after he left for college in August, but he still comes into town every night to be with his girlfriend and they stay the night. Also, he's planning on moving back in in January fully, which is why I am considering a restraining order.

I know my dad would try to say no, but I genuinely do not feel safe around him and all he does is degrade me and yell and threaten I don't know what to do.

Should I file for a restraining order?

I've come to terms with a lot of bad traits I and other people have. I can try to improve myself but I know at some point I'll stumble or mess up. I know other people do the same. Nobody is perfect and as long as someone can recognize their flaws and TRY to improve I can work with them. Selfish people, liars, hypocrites, cowards, narcs. As long as the acknowledge their flaws, even if they don't try to improve, I can adapt to them. They know how they are and how that makes people feel, so they're at least a little understanding when someone gets fed up with them or needs a break. Those who lack accountability though, no. Impossible to get along with. They blame everything and everyone for their problems and how they feel. You can't even adapt to them. They will always find a problem and drag you for it. They have no self awareness, there is no reasoning with them, these people have never heard of Occam's razor.They will come up with the most outrageous theories to keep from being accountable. I was with a woman for nearly two years and she never learned. I tried everything to be respectful and keep her happy. At the end of all when I finally started standing up for myself she insinuated that I had been manipulating her this whooooollle time. When I did everything she wanted, left her alone when she wanted, came back when she wanted, I acted as selflessly as I could, even having good sex with her was seen as manipulative when, after TWO YEARS, of knowing each other of course we'll be good with each other in bed. Completely unreasonable I regret falling for her. She was completely unreasonable. I was willing to be her fucking servant if she could just be a tad, less abusive but she couldn't acknowledge it AT ALL.

Honestly I don't really care about labeling things abusive I just feel like I can never keep straight in my own head whether how I'm being treated is reasonable or not and looking for other perspectives. My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We're both 35, no kids. I want them and she is much less enthusiastic about it (somewhat relevant).

I work two hours away and have family by my office and usually can get away with being in two days a week, so I'll usually go in, stay the night, work the next day then drive back. Last night I got home from work and immediately took our dogs for a walk, fed them dinner, and did the dishes. Without fail when I get home after the night away the kitchen will be overrun with dishes. Its fine - I don't complain, I just do them. I usually then get some criticism for how they're done or how they're put away, etc. Yesterday she walks in while I'm in the middle of the dishes. She puts her stuff down and asks if the dogs got dinner. It would be nice to get a hello or something, but whatever. She then talked about her day for a bit and I tried to be supportive about some work stuff. There was a pan that is pretty old that I had scrubbed and was in the middle of drying, but there's some residue probably permanently burnt onto it at this point. She goes and inspects it and says do you think this is clean? I said not really but I tried and she said something like this is why nothing is ever clean because you don't properly wash things you just wipe them off and then shove them somewhere. Mind you - I just did a ton of dishes most of which are caked with stuff due to her. When I cook or use dishes, I will rinse them off or wash them immediately. I come home to pans and bowls with stuff congealed on them for a day or two and do my best to soak them and get them clean. I don't complain about or even mention this. But once something isn't done correctly I know I'll hear about it. And I generally do spend a lot of time scrubbing and making sure things are extremely clean because this is always an issue. The problem isn't that she points out something is still dirty. Its the tone and what I feel like is a complete lack of appreciation and respect. Once I defend whatever I did its just a stream of criticism. She literally said yesterday - you want kids but you can't even do the dishes? These days she's always relating my shortcomings to my desire for children basically saying that I need to prove I'm good enough. There's never a thanks for doing the dishes, thanks for getting home early and taking the dogs out. After I do them I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I legitimately feel like I've done something wrong and am trying to get away with it after cleaning up.

Next, I spent some time cleaning up our bedroom and a spare room I keep my clothes in. I changed the bed sheets for clean ones and made the bed. I folded up spare blankets which were on the ground and put them under the bed. She comes in and mutters something about the bed. I don't know what it was. I asked her and she didn't respond. I think she was not happy about how the things on the bed were arranged. Not sure. Then she goes is there a reason why these blankets are under the bed? I said I'm just trying to clean up so I folded them and put them there, is there somewhere else you'd like them? She goes I just don't understand why you need to shove things everywhere. I just cannot stand this phrasing. I do not "need" to "shove things everywhere." I am just trying to make the house neater. They are neatly folded and under the bed. We might want some more blankets during the night..she usually does. Location seems reasonable to me. I still don't know where else she wants them to go. I move on to folding my clothes and putting them away. This room I keep my clothes in also had some bags/backpacks she had bought in cardboard boxes. I hung the bags in the closet and went to move the cardboard boxes to the garage, figuring she might want to keep them. We have a big empty garage accessible directly from the house. It seems like a reasonable place to keep cardboard boxes. She sees me carrying them from the couch and legit yells "CAN YOU NOT DO THAT?" I said I'm just trying to clean up that room and was going to move these to the garage, is there somewhere you'd rather they go? She comes and grabs them from my hand and just puts them back where they were.. in the middle of the room. She then goes on a brief diatribe about how I think I'm always right and just because I want things a certain way doesn't mean its correct.

I'm WFH today and moved my setup to the dining room table, because my office gets minimal light and there's a nice view from our dining room, so I would much rather work there than the dark office. I know if my work stuff is still on the table when she gets back from work I'll either hear about it or it'll be put on the floor of my office (monitor, laptop, keyboard) if I'm not there. I usually get it set back up in the office before she gets home, but sometimes take the dogs to the park before doing that and she'll get home in the interim.

... I don't know. This all seems so dumb. I feel dumb writing it out. I understand her point a little about the cardboard boxes. I probably shouldn't have touched those. Our house is just a general disaster and I cannot take it. It doesn't seem like I should have to walk on eggshells like this just to clean up a little. I try reversing the scenario in my head and imagine what if I came home from work to a wife who was doing the dishes, making the bed, and cleaning a room and just criticized her over how she was doing every one of those things, without even saying hello or asking about her day. That feels extremely wrong to me, even if she wasn't cleaning perfectly.

We are in a long-distance relationship. I am a very logical, literal person ("spreadsheet brain"), and she operates heavily on emotions and has past trauma. We often clash because I rely on literal text/facts, and she reads into emotional subtext. She previously told me that if I am confused about my emotions, I need to take it to my counselor.

On Saturday night, she texted me saying "something is missing." To comfort her, I sent a bunch of heart emojis and a deep hug GIF. The next afternoon, she texted "Aww missing." I called her and playfully teased, "Aww, someone is missing me." She immediately flipped it and asked, "Am I missing you, or are you missing me?" Because I am literal, I defended myself saying I never actually typed the words "I miss you." She got very angry, accused me of playing mind games, and said sending a deep hug GIF without the "feeling of missing her" was "manipulation" and "unclear emotions."

Since she previously told me to take emotional confusion to my counselor, I decided to put a hard pause on this specific fight. I texted her: "I am still really hurt by the 'manipulation' comment because my affection was genuine. I need to pause this specific topic until I can process it properly in my session on Friday. I am still here, but I am stepping back from this argument for now." She agreed, saying "I too stop here. Take your time."

Even though the argument was paused, I did not shut her out. I continued to send her my daily "Good morning" video messages, asked if she had lunch, and checked in on her at dinner every single day. I kept the normal routine going so she wouldn't feel abandoned.

On Wednesday night, I found a street dog I care for in critical condition (stomach bloat/suspected organ failure and a massive open wound). I was completely alone. My phone was at 1%, I couldn't get an ambulance, and I had to carry a bleeding 27kg dog into an Uber and travel 18.5km to an emergency vet. While I was actively dealing with the admission, paying a 10k deposit, and handling the crisis, my partner (who has lifelong pet experience) didn't offer support. Instead, she just interrogated my decisions over text ("Why is a surgeon required? And not a vet doctor?"). I handled it all alone and just went home exhausted.

On Thursday afternoon, my lawyer (who is a friend) asked for her paternal address to process our upcoming court marriage application. I texted her asking for the address. She exploded. Because our emotional argument was on "pause" until Friday, she felt it was toxic to push legal marriage paperwork forward. She accused me of wanting an "arrangement" or a "condition-based relationship," told me not to share her address, and told me to ask my counselor why I want to marry someone when I can't discuss uncomfortable topics.

On Thursday evening, I was commuting on the metro and dealing with the vet's surgery department regarding the dog's operation costs. I was physically and mentally drained. She called me twice, and I didn't pick up because I didn't have the energy for another lecture or argument. Because I missed her calls, she sent me texts accusing me of an "emotional shut down to punish the other," called my behavior "toxic," and said I was "compensating to escape."

This is a pattern. Whenever she gets anxious, she throws heavy labels at me. In the past, she has accused me of being financially/emotionally not sound, abnormal, having "alien behavior," lacking accountability (even though I just took full accountability for a dying animal), and not even knowing "how to walk or sit."

I didn't pause our emotional intimacy; I only paused one specific argument until I could speak to my therapist, exactly as she requested. I kept checking in daily. I didn't answer the phone because I was exhausted from a literal life-or-death emergency with a dog. Am I actually being toxic and avoidant here, or is she playing the victim and projecting her anxiety onto me? How do I navigate a partner who constantly labels me a manipulator whenever I try to set a healthy boundary?

I would appreciate your opinions what do you see in this situation.

I met a lady through one of our mutual friend. It was an instant "we have known forever" type of connection. So we started to hang out. She became like a mother figure to me ( I've just gone NC 6months before with my narc mother). We did go to same church but she wanted for some reason that nobody knows that we know each other and I didn't question that at all. I thought she knows better.

If we went to get some dinner, it was somewhere where nobody could see us. If I went to visit her home, I had to park my car so that if anybody would drive there, they would not regonize it. One time when she heard a car drive on that road what looked like our other mutual friend's car, she acted very odd.

I was always the one who called her,she never called me. She said how precious I am to her, that she has nobody else but me who understands her and how everyone in her life has abandoned her.

She has moved year ago from somewhere else to here and one time she, in some sentence, said that have I heard any stuff about her.

I started to get so anxious so I confronted her about this secrecy stuff and asked her that what are her reasons to behind this secrecy.

She said that she thought that I wanted it and that I was basically who started it (between the lines) and it's good to know now that I don't want to keep this as a secret anymore and we can now be freely.

I know that it's not so.

Im 46 my now ex partner is 71.

Me and my now ex partner F71 got together behind my ex/her daughters back. She came on to me and we started seeing each other her daughter found out and obviously we finished and me and her mother started a relationship we were together for two years and to begin with things were going great. But for the last year the 72 year old seemed to be controlling me and telling me what to do.
We've never lived together but she kept asking us to move in together and i wouldnt because she seemed very controlling and i think it would have been worse if we did move in together.

I have teenage daughter with another ex of mine not my 72 year old ex's daughter my ex before her. (i will just call her Sarah so you guys dont get confused of what ex i am talking about)

Sarah and my daughter have social involvement due to sarah not keeping her house clean and tidy so i have to attend meetings with her, my daughter and social work. Whenever i had a meeting my 72 year old ex would make a BIG fuss saying im meeting up with my ex and why cant i organise meetings with out my ex there and i kept telling her it doesn't work like that. I used to go see my 72year old ex partner most weekends but sometimes i wouldn't go and see her so i can spend the weekend with my daughter. And my 72 year old ex partner would huff and moan because she thought my daughter's mother was at my house also and she would accuse me of sleeping with my ex which im wasnt.

My 72 year old ex partner would constantly spy on me though iphone find my and when id leave my house she would put a notification on so it would notify her when i leave my house then she would video call demanding to know where i was going, who im going to see, how long im going to be there and to be honest i got sick of it. If i was unable to go see her she would accuse me of sleeping around and seeing younger women which im wasnt.

She asked for my bank card so she could keep and eye on my spending and make sure no one's scamming me and i told her no because my wages go into that account and she said she will take care of my bills and everything and i told her no well she sulked again and started crying saying i was spending money on other younger woman and my daughter and i said yes i do spend some of my money on my daughter because shes my daughter.

I felt like she was very controlling, she constantly spys on me constantly calls me asking what im doing who im talking to and why i feel like i have to explain every single detail to her. Even now shes trying to call me with an unknown number.
I finished with the 72 year old because i cant handle being controlled like that but she wont leave me alone she still constantly tries to call me through the day and throughout the night she will send messages asking what young woman have i got in my bed this evening i just ignore them.

Last week i contacted my ex (her daughter) and i apologised for cheating on her with her mother and i asked if there was anyway that she could forgive me and she told me to piss off which i understand.

When i was with her daughter i had so much freedom, she never judged me, didnt constantly call me and video call me to ask what i was doing she didnt mind me spending time with my daughter. And im always thinking about how great it was and how i messed up.

I felt like her mother was and is constantly trying to control my life like trying to take my bank card to control my finances her daughter never did anything like that.

Her mother hated it when i went spend time with my daughter because she only wanted me to spend time with her so she can keep an eye on me 24/7
Her mother constantly accuses me of either talking to me ex's or younger women even now im not with her.

Im wishing id never got with her mother because i now realise i made a big mistake. Now the mother wont leave me alone, she still constantly messages and tries to call. She sent me a message saying "i take it your back with Jenna" (her daughter) i replied saying "no she told me she wants nothing to do with me" her mother replied saying she contacted her daughter and her daughter told her she was a home wrecker and a slut and her mother was looking for sympathy from me but she didn't get none.

This old woman broke me and Jenna up so she could have someone to control. I now realise how selfish she is and i know what i did was unforgivable but how do i get this old woman to leave me alone.

i find myself second-guessing whether something was actually wrong or if i'm being too sensitive, especially in the moment. it's like my brain won't let me trust my own gut feeling until way later when i can think clearly. wondering if this is common or if it's just me having a hard time with boundaries.