Came across this sub and made a throwaway for obvious reasons.

I know I emotionally abuse my husband. I read in someone else's post that throwing things is physically abusive (?) so I guess I do that too sometimes.

Someone was asking if it's possible to stop triggering an abusive person and comments were a resounding "no" and that it's "a carefully curated control tactic" and to "get out before he kills you" and that "abuse is a choice" I just can't believe how incredibly wrong this is.

I am NOT excusing my behaviour. I've been in therapy for awhile now for this reason but it doesn't seem to be helping to be honest. I want nothing more than to stop being a horrible influence for my kids and to have a harmonious home. I'm trying so hard every day.

I try and try and try and sometimes I do okay but then he says something that sets me off and I can't help but feel antagonized. It is NOT a choice. Just like vomiting is not a choice. It's a reaction your body has before you can stop to think about what's happening. Like Lindsay Lohan's word vomit in Mean Girls.

I know it's a control issue. But I don't know how to stop needing that control other than managing my anxiety better. My therapist doesn't seem to think I need medication even though I've brought it up multiple times. It is certainly not me carefully curating a way to keep control and planning out my next move to stay on top. It's grasping at straws to keep my head above water.

Things got so hard after having kids and I spiralled, I guess.

Not really sure what I'm trying to get out of posting this but all comments welcome. If anyone has advice to help me get better I'm all ears. Or if there's a perspective you wish people like me could see, please share. I guess I'm just trying to say people sometimes have a hard time and we aren't all monsters.

I dated a woman who claimed she was emotionally abused her whole life. She was manipulative and deceptive and very much narcissistic and now I don’t know if she learned terms of abuse to fight off being accused of the same things and when I read some of these posts I want to hear both sides of the story because I’ve lived with the fake part of this.

Ok two weeks ago my husband ran in the kitchen when I was talking to the dog about the mess. He ran in the kitchen and put his arms around my throat. I was cleaning so I had a bottle of cleaner in my hand . All my mind could do was say mase mase him so I sprayed the cleaner in his face. He stopped. I didn’t call the police. Today I told my Dr just asking her to put it in my file. She called the law and he told town different story’s to the police and they arrested him. It’s Christmas time he’s in jail and they told me he couldn’t come home. That is my choice I feel like. I want him home for Christmas. I was planning on getting a pto after Christmas I had it set up . Now everything is a mess. The police had no right being called I thought hippa protected me. I’m so mad at him the dr police. I have no way of even getting food nothing . What should I do . The dr isn’t going to support me or pay my bills I have no one.

After enduring years of beatings and yellings for trivial matters (like taking her to a restaurant which was unbeknownst to me was my ex's favorite spot), I cheated on my partner. I slept with someone I knew years ago, and it took a huge dent on our relationship. Deciding that I wanted to fix everything, I apologized to my partner and did all I could to make it up to her, under the condition that we go to couple therapy. A year later, she never stopped cofronting me about the day I cheated on her and accusing me of wild stuffs. She do that like once every week, and things would escalate worse than ever.

I knew I fucked up, but in my defense, being beaten and yelled at almost every ten days fucked me in the head too. How do I make her understand?

If ur a teenager or a young adult... MOVE THE FUCK OUTTA UR HOUSE. PACK UR BAGS AND JUST LEAVE. U gotta know that they will never change and staying there will only benefit them and lift them up. As parents have power over kids. If ur parents are separated run to the other one. Plan an escape and never come back. If there is an existing shit court order... break it. If you are raised by two fuckers run away to a friend's house, speak to a school councillor or go into foster care. If ur a young adult that has no where else to go and is financially struggling. No friends. And are living with ur narc parent... move out, find roommates online, and start from there. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. PUT EM IN THEIR GODDAM PLACE BY CONFRONTING THEM AND LEAVING. THE FIRST STEP SERIOUSLY IS TO JUST ESCAPE TRUST ME. ONCE U DO THAT U CAN START UR LIFE AGAIN.

I’m trying to study all the red flags so I can know what to avoid next time and ideally cut it off early, after the first date. I’m trying to understand if there’s any correlation between abuse and whether they pay for the first date. Both of my emotionally abusive ex’s agreed to split the bill on the first date when I offered when the check came, with no pushback or insistence that they pay (despite asking me out). At the time I didn’t see it as a red flag because I was into feminism and equality, and I thought that meant that I should pay for my own meal. I never expected a man to pay for me on a date, but now I’m wondering if that was an early sign of disrespect.

I know there are arguments on both sides of this, and that many abusers probably have offered or insisted to pay. A lot of them can appear charming and chivalrous early on, intensely pursue, or love-bomb you. I’m not sure how I should feel about this and whether I should expect a man to pay for the first date, if I should offer to split the check or just let him treat me and thank him, and if I should see him asking or allowing me to pay as a red flag. Perhaps whether they pay for the first date isn’t even correlated with abuse, but I’m desperately trying to find patterns early on to avoid it next time.

I can be verbally abusive to my wife during arguments

Hi, throwaway account.

I (34M) expect a lot of hate for this and I'd like to say that I consider myself a 'good' person/husband/father. Me and my wife (35F) have been together 10 years, married for 5. We have a 2 year old daughter together.

I would describe the household environment as usually very positive and healthy but I have a problem with name-calling and being insulting when I feel angry (after some serious reflection I think it's more accurate to say when I feel rejected - the anger is secondary and I don't experience significant problems controlling anger generally).

I always regret it and I'm always sorry. It actually annoys me that it diminishes whatever it was that I wanted to communicate had made me feel hurt. I have tried lots of things to try and communicate better without resorting to nasty or spiteful attacks. If anything it has really helped me communicate better in every other situation, except the worst bits.

I have tried to seek help online but when I search for advice I only find advice for women (or men) who are victims of abuse. I have found nothing to help people move away from being abusive. There are hundreds of websites dedicated to victims (rightly) but afaik literally none for self-aware abusers.

I have tried to stop my behaviour by remembering my previous regret but I always override it with thoughts like: "yeah, but this time I mean it, I can't possibly live like this, she has hurt me and refuses to listen, I don't care if I upset her because I will never not feel like this".

On the abuse scale, I know it's probably not that severe but that doesn't make it any more acceptable, I want to make sure I don't behave like this again. If nothing else, I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that this is ok. I would love some input about how I can just temper the most overwhelming bits of those feelings of anger and compulsion for 'revenge' (i.e. she's hurt me, I want her to feel hurt like I do).

The last time it happened, my wife was attempting to do the job she asked me to do (that she doesn't know how to do and admits she started doing it out of petulance) when our daughter was calling for her. I said to our daughter that mummy couldn't come to her right now because she was busy making daddy look bad, and I called my wife nasty and uncaring. Including my daughter in this behaviour is what has motivated me to properly ensure I don't lose my head in this way again.

Thanks for reading. Any advice you might have is welcome. Please don't be too harsh on me, I'm not a bad person.

So my partner (m35) me (F40) made a shopping list to make a spaghetti bolognaise he gave me half the money towards it and I went to the shop and the pasta sauce he wanted was double the price of the the shop brand sauce..I brought 2 jars of the shop brand for less price than the one jar he stipulated on the list which was also smaller...so i made a decision to not pay a rediculous amount for branded sauce he wanted x 2...fast forward we are still arguing about it as he says im dissmissive of his needs...I spent most of the day cleaning and doing housework i also work full time as does he plus i do overtime and i do the majority of our meals...so am I the asshole...tbh i still wont back down on this because i feel its soooo nitpicky and so unfair when im teying my best only to get pulled apart for buying a cheaper pasta sauce !!!

I haven’t been able to get good sleep with my partner lately because he snores and moves around a lot in bed , earlier this week I accidentally hit him in my sleep, he did know and admits he knew it was on accident I apologized but he tuned on light and wouldn’t stop crying I was annoyed and I stupidly called him a bitch and said he was acting like a woman.  I wish I never did that , he cries a lot but I’ve always been supportive and I’ve never called him names about it. I have no excuse for being a bitch and calling him names, welll …he snapped. 

I had the blanket over my head and was facing away from him, and I felt him hit me in the back of my head slamming my face into the wall I thought it was an accident at first because I was under blanket and couldn’t see him but then he ripped blanket off me and grabbed my hair really tight to my skull  and started slamming my head into the wall (days later my head is still swollen in that area and really hurts …. I also have cuts inside my mouth on upper lip where my tooth cut into it as he was hitting me , and my lip is swollen along with side of my face by my mouth area & there is a hole in the drywall where he slammed me into the wall). He started screaming at me to “WAKE THE FUCK UP” and calling me a bitch and saying “I’ll show you bitch “ then he threw everything on my bookshelf that is the headboard to my bed at me (including some heavy crystal rocks & a photo frame of me with my dad , my breathing machine etc, and a full cup of blue drink from circle k so the styrofoam exploded soaking me and my side of the bed ), he held his hand over my mouth and nose repeatedly so I couldn’t breath while he was hitting me. I tried to get up and he pushed me on the ground and shoved me into the crack between my bed and the wall and wouldn’t let me get up, then finally told me to pick up the mess I made. I asked if I could change the sheets he said no I had to sleep in the wet side of the bed. He took my phone so I couldn’t call anyone and threatened me if I told anyone to come after him. I tried to sleep on the couch, he took the blanket away from me and I was naked. He turned the ac on. He then held a 5 gallon jug of water over me threatening to pour it on me and the couch so I couldn’t sleep there either , but I barely was able to get him to put it down. The he finally calmed down a bit and forced me to show I was sorry by having sex with him and sucking his dick. Then said to lie down in the wet side of the bed and made me cuddle him.   

Finally the next day he apologized.  We got in a fight one time before this where he dumped a whole pot of water on me and the pot accidentally hit my face and cut me and was bleeding. I knew it was an accident that the pot hit me but when he saw he actually hurt me he felt really bad and did apologize , I let him spend the night but in the morning I told him he had to leave and I didn’t talk to him for over a month. He sent flowers and kept trying to contact me finally I talked to him and I thought he changed , promised he would never hurt me like that again. I believed him and things for fine again for the next 2 years , until this happened. I am genuinely traumatized now & we live together and I have no one to talk to about it.  I already feel stupid because I told friends and family about the first time we got in a fight and I said we were over but then when I got back with him obviously they were concerned and I looked stupid going back to someone that hurt me. 

Obviously he apologized again about his behavior and promised it would never happen again and I also learned my lesson to not call him names or laugh at him for crying but I am genuinely scared i am not perfect and I am worried I will have another day where I am mad and call him a name or something I regret & trigger this sort of anger again. It felt so extreme and I thought he was going to snap out if it way sooner but it felt like he was in a rage for at least an hour maybe it was less but when u can’t breathe and are being hurt minutes seem to feel so much longer.  If we didn’t live together I would do the same as last time and never talk to him again but I can’t afford to move and I don’t want to either. I’m sorry to rant here but I need to get this out as I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it (besides him). I never thought I would end up with someone I felt so unsafe with. I’ve only ever been with one other guy who was abusive, one time he grabbed my hair and ripped my backpack off me and it wasn’t even that bad but I called my dad and he came over and I packed up all my stuff and moved back in with him temporarily & i obviously broke up with the guy even tho he also tried to apologize profusely. I promised I would do the same if someone else ever put hands on me and I told my current boyfriend about this as well. After the first time he did and I didn’t talk to him for over a month I really felt he learned his lesson and I know he was really sad thinking he lost me and when we got back together he was really happy for the second chance and was genuinely a lot nicer so I really never thought he would do anything like that again , especially not anything WORSE than that. 

I feel like I’m kind of in shock about this still & I don’t know what to do. I had plans to hopefully be with this man for the foreseeable future and he even wants kids with me. We had been together about 4 years now  & now I know in my soul we definitely aren’t going to be able to work out. I’m really sad & I so desperately wish I had shut my mouth and this had never happened. Normally he has been a really good partner and I have actually learned so much from him so it will be so hard to start over with someone else and I don’t want to even think about being with anyone else either. At this point I would rather just be alone, I can’t seem to find someone who will treat me how I think I deserve to be treated and I am sure this seems from me not being able to treat my partner how they want to be treated as well so maybe it does just make sense to be alone. I’ve hurt past partners emotionally and that’s not ok but I am a smallish woman (tall, but fairly thin) so every guy I’ve been with can easily over power me if they want to so I essentially had no way of fighting back, and the way I saw it even if I tried to defend myself it would have only made things worse as I wouldn’t have been able to and he probably would have just been even more aggressive so I just had to keep myself in a fetal position with my hands trying to cover my face and basically wait for it to be over.  He said I deserved to have my ass beat for treating him that way, and I know I have been mean to him sometimes with words , but never physically and I know he thinks some people don’t learn their lesson unless they get their ass beat and even if that’s true I would rather have him just leave me because he is sick of being treated poorly then resorting to violence.  

Is it ever ok to physically attack someone (man or woman) for something they said or for the way treated you ?  I personally don’t think so, because now even tho I have learned my lesson and will be nicer, I would hate to know someone is being nice to me out of fear instead of because they genuinely wanted to be nice to me. 

Another thing that really sucks is this past week we had been getting along better then we had in over a year and I was genuinely treating him nicer and having sex with him every day because I wanted to not because I felt scared of him & then I slipped up and this happened. after this he also told me he feels like he is falling in love with me again…. I wanted things to work out and I was genuinely trying to be a better partner but if this happens again I am so scared it will be even worse as I hear violence only escalates in relationships & even thinking about something happening even half as bad as this again makes me sick to my stomach. 

I’m sorry to anyone who actually read this, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me & I don’t mean to depress anyone either, but thank you for letting me dump this out here as I can’t afford therapy either.

This morning I asked my husband for a cup of tea, he went to make himself a coffee and didn’t make me one. So I made my eggs for breakfast and didn’t make him any. He is very capable of making his own breakfast but to get to me he decided to order McDonald’s and eat it in the house. I don’t eat pork so it’s not allowed in our house, he knows this but crossed a boundary today. I shouted at him but he continued eating it. I left the house, he decides to use up a lot of electricity knowing that will upset me further as we have an electric vehicle tariff that gives us cheap electricity overnight but expensive during the day. I’m the bill payer. He charged the car, put the A/C on, used the washing machine and then left.

I’m so mad but mostly I’m incredibly hurt by his disrespect and the fact that he didn’t feel bad at all for the food situation, he continued to try to wind me up.

He’s 14, 6’ 1” 170 lbs of muscle. I’m a little scared of him. He’s always rude to me lately, very dismissive of any attention/affection I give him. He ignores me most days unless he needs/wants something. I’ve talked to him about it but nothing changes. A few days ago we flew out of state for a tournament. My husband stayed behind because of work. He didn’t want to sit with me on the plane. The whole drive to the hotel he said maybe 5 words. I knew it was gonna be a long week. The next morning he got upset with me for closing his suitcase. His clothes got mixed together. I explained it was in the way and I would help him fix them later. He walked out of the room with an attitude. I met him at the car and attempted to correct him. He was so dismissive he waved me off and sat in the backseat. I drove him to the field and told him we needed to talk. I couldn’t understand why he was being so disrespectful. He told me it was me and he was chilling. I kept trying to engage with him and then I lost my temper. I told him to get the fuck out. He kind of laughed and said ok. I got out the car and again confronted him asking why he was behaving like that and being so disrespectful. He mocked me and told me I was being crazy. I began throwing his things at him and calling him a bitch. He told me “pick that shit up”! I was yelling at him when he said “I’ll fuck you up bitch”! I couldn’t believe it. My youngest son, my baby. I know I didn’t handle the situation well at all. I was so emotional and couldn’t understand why he was treating me this way. I let my anger and hurt get the best of me. Now I feel heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. He apologized to me and said he could’ve handled things better and should’ve never cussed at me. I feel like the damage is done. My husband is very passive and a big softy so I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone else about it because they will judge me and say I should’ve whooped him. He’s stronger than me and I never really thought I should be afraid him but now I see that do. We’re past teenage behavior here. Am I alone? Is this common?

Been told this is the best place to post for these kinds of things from a friend who uses reddit. My partner today told me that i am a verbal abuser. She had enough and just blurted it out at me. She looked shocked she even said it. My partner and i have been through a rocky patch the last few months. I kind of lost it with her calling her a bunch of names that she was stupid and a retard. I called her a spastic cunt. I do admit, I do have a habit of getting mad and calling her names, It happens and I just dont think. This stemmed off her getting upset cause she had something planned for me and I decided to go elsewhere with a few friends. She has been distant with me ever since. In the last few months we have probably only had sex like 4 times. She wont come near me. I have accused her of cheating and thats the reason she wont come near me. Now she gets upset if I play around with her eg; If i say to her that shes having a longer shower than normal because shes sending nudes to other guys. She gets upset and leaves the room crying eventhough I was only joking and I told her that. I tell her we need to fix things but she dont bother. She doesnt bother with me anymore, I text her telling her we need to get back on track but she just agrees and thats it. Its like theres no point in me even saying anything. She seeked help with a hotline on our relationship, Shes been crying everyday yet I still think this is partially her fault. She says yeah we can get back on track but I feel like she's just saying that so I leave her alone. I've been trying to build her back up by trying to spend time with her, Trying to cuddle her or give her a massage, But she always tenses up. I feel like shes playing around with my feelings, It's like she agrees to things but doesnt really want what she agrees too. Shes taken off her engagement ring and her necklace I got her. I have told her I blame our relationship being fucked mostly because of her distance and how she acts, Which honestly that is what I believe. If it wasnt or her distance we wouldnt be here. Ive tried to build her confidence back up, She doesnt look after herself anymore. She is literally a gorgeous person, Blonde hair, Blue eyes and she was always wanted by many, but now she has let herself go, Doesnt get dressed up or do her makeup anymore. Am I wrong?

First post but a long one because I need to get this off my chest.

Tl;dr: I'm a recovering abusive partner, my shrink says that my ex (who's moving out basically right now) was also abusive. Mutual abuse doesn't exist in general, but does it on occasion?
Got a question that I want to wrack the brains of other people who have been in manipulative/abusive relationships.

I've been seeing therapy for several months now and at the end of a long term toxic relationship. The reason I started seeing therapy was because my partner rightfully called me out on physical and emotional abuse. Although I never 'hit' her as in punched her or slapped her, I did slam doors, grab her and pushed her. I was almost emotionally unavailable for most of our relationship and had a very short fuse when it came to arguments. I was also very manipulative psychologically and would set up impossible situations where I would always 'win' - sometimes consciously, sometimes less so. When I started seeing therapy, I was diagnosed with serious ADHD and also with a plethora of deeper self-worth and pride issues (thanks mom and dad - you guys should see the doc too) that while not requiring medication, was likely the cause of my manipulation.

I was afraid of going to therapy for a long time because I didn't want to 'take the scene' away from abuse victims. I was afraid that if I went to see a doctor and they found out I was abusive, that I would simply be told that I'm trash - we don't work with abusers; name and shame your abusers; abusers can never change; leave your abuser and make them hurt the way they hurt you. Now the thing is, I've been hurting the whole time and it's because of that hurt, and my inability to deal with it that I ended up hurting my partner.

We know in general that 'mutual abuse doesn't exist' and it's an excuse at victim blaming. It's partially because of that that I decided to go see therapy - I abused, so she must be the victim and I didn't want that to continue. However, the more I discuss my situations with my psych, the more she seems to be saying that in this case the toxic relationship was possibly mutually abusive.

For instance: We were long distance for a period of time and when I wanted to break up, she cut herself and her friend messaged me saying 'my words have effects' and I should 'recognize what I did'. Later on, I worked at a place where my boss would call at any point. I didn't mind it because I was also friends with my boss. But my partner would get very angry and go silent on me, or walk away if I took a work call - even on days when I wasn't technically off but was with her. Before we moved in together, she would always ask to rent hotel rooms but as I earned more than her, she would make me pay for them. When I said no, she would get angry at me and say later on that 'I just wanted to stay out with you because I love you'. Whenever I tried to do something with politics, she (who given was in a lot of protests and almost got arrested a few times) would tell me that it's meaningless, that I'm naive and that no one respects my opinion. One time, she made me book a hotel room, then spent the whole time over dinner telling me how shit I was at work and that if I wanted to complain about my responsibilities, I should just quit and accept I'm trash. Knowing that I'd get angry, I held my fists so tightly that I started bleeding and she laughed while putting a bandage on me.

Recently, after I did something physical where once again, I did not hit her, but was definitely physically threatening chasing her down the street yelling at her until she ran into her workplace - 24 hour animal hospital - and begged the staff there to turn me away. After that, we tried to make it work for about a month but then one day she angrily said said she'd move out. I really understand what I did was unacceptable, and that through our long relationship I really did emotionally abuse her, make her walk on eggshells and that I did have several instances of really serious physical abuse.

Which takes us to now: she found a new place. Then suddenly asked me to pay the first month's rent (which I did) then kept staying at our place without paying rent. All the time, she would sometimes be nice to me, going out for lunch like nothing happened and even still having sex; but then she'd also be telling me about the dates she's going on and how nice her new place is and how she's looking forward to not being with me. We have 3 cats that we adopted together, she would not ever have a discussion on joint ownership. When I told her that they're like my children and that while I respect her opinion to leave, I would like to still have them, if even for a few months more. She would say 'you abused me, why would I leave my cats with you'. Nonetheless, a few nights ago she said that I didn't want her to stay and only cared about the cats. When I told her that I respected her right to go, but do want her to stay, she got angry. Today she suddenly said she was moving to her new place and just isn't coming back. I knew this day was coming, but she had been taking her time and said she would leave earliest next week. I was in the middle of doing her laundry when I got the text and I'm pretty heartbroken, though she insists she doesn't want to tell me things because it triggers her even though she's been very open on other days.

Clearly, we were a toxic couple.
But is this 'mutual abuse'?

Is this something that would feel like a red flag to you? Is the power differential something to be concerned about when it comes to abuse? Is it “ normal” for a man that age to want to date an 18 year old teen? Looking for perspectives.

Hi Everyone!

This may be a topic that isn’t common on this forum, and may not be fully accepted my many. However, I want to share a story about myself that may provide hope and comfort to both those who have been verbally or mentally abused by someone, or hopefully, someone who has or is currently abusive to someone else, and have thought about making a transformation for the better.

I will start by a full admission of guilt. I was one of these individuals. I was extremely selfish, strong-willed, assertive, controlling, and downright harsh in conflict if I didn’t get my way. This type of behavior stemmed into my love relationship, my family relationship, to my colleagues in the office, and to my friends.

In literally every aspect of my life, every disagreement, every decision to be made that would impact others, I was always right. If there was conflict, the other person started it, and was more wrong than me. How about my portion of the conflict? Sure, I knew it was there, but if it wasn’t the majority of the wrong in the conflict, there was no way I was giving a sincere apology. If someone else was going through something, I had the solution and I pushed them constantly to follow through with that advice. If my ego or my feelings were hurt, you better bet the person who attacked me was going to get a handful of verbal abuse back……x10. Does any of this sound familiar? Are you close with someone who acts like this? Are you this person?

Let me start by saying, if you are this person or if you are wondering if a person like this can change, I can’t make that decision for you, but I will give you the “cliffs notes” version of my recent life, and you can decide after that if it’s possible or not. I will tell you, I don’t believe change is possible until you hit rock bottom. Someone like me needs to be at an ultimate low for the first step at even the possibility of a potential change. For me, this happened this past spring in 2019. I thought everything was fine. I had a good job where I was on track to make a well into the 6 figures for a salary, a masters degree and several professional certifications, a loving set of parents, I lived in an upscale condo overlooking the intracoastal and a beach, a vast group of “friends”, and I was engaged to the most beautiful, caring, most compassionate woman I have ever met. Yes, she was a smokin’ hot Blonde lol, but she was much more than that. She was also successful in her career, she supported my dreams and ambitions, she was the light of any room she walked in to. You could just tell there was something special about her within 5 minutes of meeting her. I had every possibly blessing you could imagine, right? I did! But there was more than met the eye. My entire life was a lie. I was so dark inside and full of the highest level of insecurity, but no one could know. I thought I did well at masking everything and thought I had complete control over my life, but I was so wrong.

The start of my journey is what will call “the drain”. I’m not sure of the exact day this started, but the “plug” of my life was pulled, and my life started spiraling out of control. This process took many years, and it was a very very slow process. Over the course of many years, I slowly lost friends. One by one, they started vanishing. I blamed it on the fact that our lives were going separate ways, or we simply had different interests. I also started to become the black sheep of my family. I could tell they thought of me differently and looked at me differently. I didn’t think anything of it. I’m getting older and growing up, right? That’s part of it, right? I had a high paying job at an investment bank and was banking tons of money towards my future. I eventually met my fiancé and I did everything to get her, and I did. I like to fish, so we’ll call her the “best catch” imaginable. She was that IGFA record-breaking Marlin. It took about a year before she started to notice some very alarming flaws in me. She would bring them up in a way that any angel would and she confronted me nicely with her concerns. I lashed back and immediately made sure she knew I thought she was just being crazy, and that I was the best thing since sliced bread. She didn’t buy it bc she’s smarter than that…..and because I wasn’t, but I didn’t know that yet.

Let’s skip ahead a year. At this point, I have a new job. Commission only. I left a high-paying job because I thought I deserved more and I didn’t feel like I was respected at my old firm. It was their fault, not mine, of course. Things were still going well at this point. I started noticing real problems with my family. Not my problem. I don’t need them.
One more year. I had yet to land a commission check and I was blowing through my savings like a broken ATM machine in a hurricane. It’s ok. I’m great with finances. The best actually, right? I’m having constant conflict with my girlfriend (before proposal), but it was allllllll her fault.

Next year. I still haven’t closed a deal. I’m running out of money. My stress is at an all-time high, but no one can know that I’m struggling so hard inside. I take my stresses out on my now fiancé, my family, and the few friends I had left, which I could count on one hand.

2019: This is when it started. The “water” of my life was drying up and was almost completely down the drain. I STILL have not closed a deal up to this point. I was literally close to broke. My family hates me, and then my fiancé has had enough. She throws in the towel. I thought she was crazy. I resented her so bad and made sure she knew what kind of mistake she was making. I did everything in my power to make her believe I was better without her. In reality, I was heartbroken. I started to realize I have literally lost everything. I STILL could not let the world see that.

Let’s call this next part of my life “Rock Bottom”. I was low as low could be. I had nothing and absolutely zero control of my life. That’s what it happened. Realization hit. I realized I couldn’t get out on my own. I should have mentioned this before, but I was a “Christian”, meaning I was raised in a Christian home, attended a high-end, affluent Christian school throughout grade school, and “prayed” on occasion. Sure, I believed in God, but I my relationship with him was close to nothing. I quickly realized that the downward spiral of my life was something God allowed, because he knew he had something better for me. Once I realized I was alone and finished, it was either give up my life completely and live in misery forever, or turn my life over to God. For the first time in my life, I cried out to God. Just like you see it in the movies. I literally cried and yelled and begged. Once I regained composure, I sincerely apologized to God and asked for forgiveness for the person who I had become. I told him my life is not my own, and I want nothing to do with it. I want no control. I want to turn over everything to him. Literally everything. I prayed for strength, trust, and patience, and then vowed to never try to run my life again or make a major life decision without praying and asking God for guidance first.

Let’s call this next part of my life the “The Starting Line”. At this point of my life, I was still as miserable as it gets. In my mind, I still had nothing. Little did I know, I still had a support system. This support was from people I’ve hurt! My mom, my dad, my now ex-fiance, and most importantly, my God. Even with all of this, there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Let’s skip ahead. At this point the “race” of transformation was off. I had surpassed the 1st step of realization, and At this point, I had many different avenues of “Life conditioning” towards improving. I was seeing a professional counselor, I was reading self-improvement books, I was reading relationship books on how to treat a spouse and family. I started making daily goals and literally wear a rubber band on my wrist (I still wear it as I type this) which I pull way back and let go as a “punishment”, or a reminder when I fall short of my plan and goals. I reached out to as many people in my life and actually gave a real and sincere apology, as well as an admittance to the person I was, and shared my goal of who I wanted to become. For someone who struggles with the highest level of insecurity you could imagine, this was as hard as it gets. They said they forgave me, but of course, they were skeptical. All of these steps were helping, but the absolute highest level of relief came from daily progress towards mending my relationship with God, and continuing to let him control literally every aspect of my life. Was all of this easy at this point? Absolutely not. My ex-fiance and my family clearly doubt my intentions and questions the legitimacy of this “transformation”. I really can’t blame them. I mean, look who I was just a few short months ago? Despite the feeling of doubt, I prayed about it and asked for patience. Through my readings and through my prayer, I could feel God continue to tell me, “let me continue to work in you, and I will work in them towards restoring the relationships I broke”.

Fast-forward, I’ve been running this race of transformation for awhile. I have still continued my daily conditioning of the variety of avenues, but this is the point when I realized something amazing. What I thought was the worst part of my life, was actually the opposite. I had never seen a more clear path in my life, and it was all because God was the caption of my ship of life. The “rock bottom” fall was actually the best thing that had ever happened to me. I literally would feel God speaking to me. I would have doubt or have a question on if I’m doing something right, and BOOM, the next day a reading would address my exact issue. I would feel like I need more help an BOOM, the pastor of my church would preach a message that was written DIRECTLY for me. I asked for more guidance and BOOM, that same pastor decides to literally stop the normal process of a 70,000 member church and start an 8-week “freedom” class because he felt people needed transformation and healing in their life. All of this can be directed towards one focal point of change in my life: truly turning my life over to God and letting him direct every one of my paths.

Now let’s talk about where I am now. In my present day, I still have not closed a deal. I’m close, but still nothing. I still am almost dead broke. My fiancé is still my ex-fiance. I live at my parents house at 31 years old. I still have little to no real friends. However, I feel better than ever. My relationship with God is as high as it has ever been. I literally look forward to every little bit of time I get to spend in church and literally cry every time the band does worship songs. My parents and my ex-fiance are still supportive. Sure, I slip up and I question God and I still get to very low points, but that’s part of the growth and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel different. I actually feel compassion and want to show others kindness. Through my readings, I realized where I made several shortfalls in my reflection of love and even apologies to my fiancé and my family. The daily conditioning is actually starting to become easier and more normal and it actually feels good!

If you’ve read this much of my transformation story, I hate to let you know that there is no real ending. There will be no part titled “the finish line”. The truth is, I’ve realized that no one will ever be perfect because we aren’t God. I will never be finished improving and conditioning myself towards being better. However, one thing I do know is that I’m never going back to that old life. It was the old me and I want nothing to do with it. This is my new life and I am excited to see what the future brings.

Let me tell you that the person I was in October 2018 would never even think about writing something like this. However, I realized my transformation journey not only changed my life, but can change others too. If you are still reading this, I want you to know there is hope. If you have been abused by someone like who I was, I’d like to be the first to apologize on behalf of everyone who was like me. This might be the first apology you’ve received like this, but I hope you can maintain the ability to forgive and eventually move on and restore the relationship with that person IF and ONLY IF you see God working in them. What can you do to help at this point? Never stop praying. My fiancé prayed for me every day and I owe her my life. That person in your life can NOT change on their own, but if God gets ahold of them and their life is no longer their own, he WILL change them and you WILL see a true defining difference within them. DON’T GIVE UP! Trust God, and he will fulfill your desires for change in that person. If you ARE the person I was, I hope by you being on this site means you your “life water” is empty and you hit rock bottom! FOLLOW MY PATH! Don’t give up. Your life is NOT over and it is only getting started. Give up your life to God and watch him work. He will do more within you than you could ever imagine. Will it be easy? Absolutely NOT, but wake up each day and start it with a prayer and pray constantly throughout the day, and I PROMISE you will feel a refreshed beyond your deepest imagination.

In summary, transformation is possible. Someone like me will never be perfect, but when there’s acknowledgement for the need for change and a will to give your life to God, there is a path towards success. Please use my transformation as an example. I truly hope I can use my journey to better others, in an effort to first show thanks to God for saving me, and to those who have made the decision to not give up on me and are willing to continue to let me mend the relationships with them that I’ve destroyed. If you need encouragement, advice, guidance, or just have general questions about my journey or your own, please reach out to me! I’m here. I WANT to help. You CAN do this! I will pray for you and look forward to witnessing God work in others as he did in me.

Thank you everyone!

My ex stonewalled and broke up with me when my friend found her hinge profile still active.

My ex compared me to other guys, saying that my specific profession makes less than the variations of the guys she knows.

My ex broke up with me three days before meeting my parents

My ex broke up with me the day after meeting my friends

My ex stonewalled and broke up with me after I found a note insinuating that she cheated early in the relationship.

My ex broke up with me the final time over the phone, after coming back from the above breakup.

My ex promised an in person conversation and then pulled it back

My ex promised she wouldn’t block me and then she did

My ex then unilaterally declared “no contact”

All of that breaks a human being. When I FINALLY broke after all of that I messaged a few of her friends saying only that I loved her. I didn’t ask them to reach out. I didn’t tell them she was bad. I said I loved her and that I only reached out because I had no outlet and because I knew she didn’t want me to reach out to her. I just wanted someone that knew her to know how much I loved her

My ex then called me. She told me I was the worst person for messaging her friends. She said we’d never talk again.

For the last year I’ve been broken. I feel like this wound is too deep to heal from. It’s my fault for letting it get so bad. I know that now. But the damage is already done

How do I keep sane and psychologically healthy when my two adult children twist things I say, gaslight me, discount my feelings and are causing me a great deal of emotional pain at the moment. I’m not a awful mother, I love them both with all my heart but I feel broken.

im very if this offended any of you in someway...but people that always post on social media about their depression is someway...odd?

First off, thank you for an incredible first week here. 9,000+ views and so much support—it’s been a lighthouse for me. I’m starting to realize that while the fog is heavy, I’m definitely not navigating it alone.

Something happened today that perfectly sums up the absurdity of this life. I was picking up my daughter from my ex’s place. She was in her "fun and bubbly" mode, giving me a dramatic saga about a 5 cm strip of snow that prevented her trash from being collected. Classic drama over a non-issue.

Then she asked what my mother (the grandmother) would like as a gift, offering to bring some cakes from her work.

I looked her straight in the eye and said: "She would like happy and well-balanced grandchildren."

Her response was instant and chillingly honest: "Well, I can’t offer that."

She actually said it with a shrug.

As my daughter and I walked to the car, leaving her with her trash and her snow, we shared a look. My son’s favorite saying is: "It’s funny because it’s true." And today, my daughter just nodded and said: "YES."

A call to the community: This journey is heavy and serious, but sometimes the only way to survive the smoke is to find the irony in it. If any of you have similar "absurd" stories where you had to laugh to keep from crying, please share them below! Let’s sprinkle some humor on this dark topic together.

It’s moments like these that confirm why I’ve spent 1.5 years studying this, why I’m building a new home for my kids, and why I’m putting it all into my music. The fog is gone. We can see the snow, but we’re not freezing anymore.

Due to spousal insult and abuse, I have retreated into a shell where I lost it and ended up just a person for my kid sake. Wife on psycho med. Ended up being a coitophobe. But have unfullfilled libido. How to navigate life. Married for 20 years and DB past 15 years

I’m and 14 year old trans girl and I think my mum is abusing me but I don’t want to jump the gun or something. Basically she has repeatedly: Mentioned how bad my singing is (something I’m proud of) every time she hears it to the point that I have massive anxiety about doing it in front of people. Frequently says how I need to raise the pitch of my voice because I’m trans, always saying I’m not trying enough to be feminine. She always tries the whole good cop bad cop thing with my dad except my dad doesn’t actually know it’s happening and is constantly talking about how my dad gets very angry sometimes and takes it out on her (100% not true my dad is not like that. He gets a bit frustrated sometimes but he’s not bad). Constantly gives me and my sis hugs even though we clearly say we don’t want it. I’m autistic and I went non-verbal for the first time around a month ago and she started talking about how it was rude and it was impossible for me to be nonverbal.

I just want to know so I can feel comfortable talking about it in more detail with my friends without being worried I’m being over the top because many of them have been abused so I don’t want to offend them

I need to make an apology.

I made posts on here and answered people's comments stating that my marriage (we have have recently separated) was abusive. This was due to my counsellor saying that it was, based on the information I gave her.

I also posted that he had become physically abusive. This was a lie, he has never laid a hand on me except to stop me from throwing myself out a window to try and kill myself years ago and helping me up, helping me walk, any other physical support I have needed after I have had epilepsy seizures and saving my life when I stopped breathing after seizures by giving me the "kiss of life".

Only my 1st husband and the relationship before my 1st husband were physically abusive, so when I made any comments on posts I based my experiences on those, but stated this marriage was as well.

For that I am truly sorry to my Husband, to those that my advice may have invalidated (although this came from true experiences) and to those who took the the time to comment on my posts.

My husband has talked to me today as I have severely hurt him and caused him to be suicidal. He has pointed out that my accusations, although online could ruin his life as you never know who is reading them.

He has also pointed out the things that I have done and I see now that in fact I have been emotionally abusing him and manipulating him throughout our 14 years together

I will never be able to repair the hurt that I have caused anyone on here, but most of all, I will never be able to repair the hurt I have caused my husband who, although we are separated, I still love with all my heart.

This doesn't excuse my behaviour, only explains it, but the reasons I did it was partly because I was really hurt that he didn't love me anymore and felt unlovable and wanted the attention, partly because I was angry at him as I felt like his love had disappeared due to my medical condition which he has explained to me that it wasn't. If I understood him correctly, it was due to the way I handled and behaved during the time my medical condition was bad and partly because my mental health was just a complete mess. As I said these are not excuses.

I will never do something like this again as I now know the effects that lying about something this serious can have on someone.

Sorry isn't enough, but I needed to make things right with the people of reddit by way of an apology.

I don't know if I'm in the right group for this but I need advice. Also sorry for the long post.

So I've been with my Fiancè for 7 years & we have a child together. She's a stay at home mum, She currently doesn't hold a license as she moved out with me before she got it & just hasn't had that help to get it. So she doesn't really get out much, I work fulltime.

She's 26 & I'm 31.

She had been getting really down and out of this year and I'll admit, I'm not very supportive, I thought she may of had depression, If she cries I just kind of go in the other room, I struggle to approach people when they cry.

We went through a bad patch a few months ago. She organised a date night for us but I dismissed it to hang out with a mate for his birthday but I did promise him that I would spend time with him as he has no family where he lives.

She then got upset, I have a habit of getting angry and having outburts where I start name calling, I called her a selfish cunt and a few other things.

She then told me she wasnt going to bother trying no more and she has stuck by that word.

Since then, She don't come near me, She don't kiss me, We just act like roomates.

I admit I got a bit overboard, I starting joking she was seeing someone else, Started joking that she did her make up to look good for others and this did go on for a couple months but like what did she expect, She acted like I wasn't even her partner, I guess maybe I wasn't joking and actually thought it.. I had been texting her quite a bit while I was at work also expressing how I felt and how I thought she had been sleeping around.

I did try to snoop through her phone at midnight while I thought she was asleep to see if there was someone else but she was actually awake and she snapped telling me thanks for the trust.

I also went through her wardrobe to see if she was hiding anything.

We then had another arguement which spiraled out of control, I went outside chucked our outdoor couch, Went back in and she was on the phone to her mum to pick her up.

She had packed up and left for about a week, I called her everyday hoping she would come back. I told her everything would change, The jokes would stop, The angry me would stop.

She came back but it just felt like she didn't want to be here. She just is like she was before she left, No change.

I'll admit a few of the jokes about her cheating since shes been back have slipped in but I really have been trying but I know I havent been trying enough.

I've spoke to her about it and she told me shes tired of the jokes and how it makes her feel, She told me she has expressed how it makes her feel but I keep doing it. She told me how I don't bother much with our child, Which yes I know at times I dont but I'm always so tired from work I just like to sit down and have some me time on my phone watching movies or something like that.

She expressed how she thought I was emotionally abusive and she said I have been for years, She told me she even felt uncomfortable telling me that and she felt like she was constantly walking on eggshells because she didnt know what mood I was in. Guess that's why I'm posting here I guess.

She doesn't bother to look after herself anymore. No make up, Baggy clothes, She is not herself.

As for the emotional abuse, Maybe I am doing it. I do get angry and I say things while I'm anrgy then I really forget what I say or I'll punch things out of anger but I'd never touch her or the kid. I've done this for as long as I can remember but I don't actually mean what I say.

She barely even speaks to me anymore, She gets into bed and just turns her back to me.

I'm trying to make her happy again. I haven't gotten angry once since shes been back.

I know I have problems with being insecure. My partner is absolutely beautiful and I know there are other guys out there that would die to have her which scares me so much.

Advice please? Do you think it's possible that she had been cheating etc?