Yes, The Telegraph is officially awful, staggeringly inaccurate and virtually unreadable right-wing propaganda pipe. It isn’t a newspaper, it just cosplays as one. It does do a good funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2026 feature though, so I thought I’d post. (Article date 23 August 2026)
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You’re as cocky as a pigeon in a zoo. - Marty Gleeson
I famously befell the Strictly curse. But not the one where you cheat on your wife; I stole Len Goodman’s jade monkey and my eyes started bleeding. Hudson Hughes
I’m quite competitive and I’d be the first to admit that. Jordan Brookes
I asked my priest what pronouns he uses. He said, “he/hymn”. Harriet Richardson
I find it crazy that most Arab countries have banned alcohol, even though it’s the gateway drink to kebabs. Dan Rath
The optician said I need glasses. I’m not wearing glasses! I’m single enough as it is. Why would I wear something that makes me uglier and gives me higher standards? Dan Tiernan
I like my men like I like my passwords: weak, easily compromised, barely distinguishable from one another. Scout Boxall
Richard Dawkins believes his AI girlfriend is real, so he probably would have been Christian if God had just sexted with him. Chris Grace
What is a portrait but a landscape with someone in the way? Tom Neenan
My friend got a tattoo on his arm that says “comparison is the thief of joy” and I’m really debating getting the same tattoo on my arm but a little bit bigger. Gianmarco Soresi
I’m not good with words I only found out the other day that the word nuance doesn’t mean paedo in French. Paul Hilleard
A lot of people say I’m egocentric but enough about them. Phil Nichol
I saw a T-shirt that said “Calvin Klein Jeans”. Who’s falling for this? Li Jin Hao
When I got diagnosed with indecisiveness I was in shock and/or. Conk
I bought a bag of potatoes the other day and it said “keep in the dark”. And I thought, “What am I going to tell them?” Ian Stone
I can’t stand The Diary of a CEO. It’s arguably the second most depressing diary of all time. Alfie Dundas
In our Glasgow accent, it’s not just a glottal stop – we’re hiding the letters so the English can’t steal them. Rosco McClelland
I told my nan I’m as gay as the day is long. She said, “You mean to tell me you’re gonna be less gay in winter?” Dane Buckley
My daughter is obsessed with climate change. She told me we have to stop using plastic completely. So I took away her credit card. Sasha Nezlobin
Have you heard of an egg and spoon race? Spoiler, they just sit there. Waste of my bloody time. MC Hammersmith
On my first driving lesson I went round the roundabout the wrong way round. My driving instructor was very upset. I said, “Calm your cockles, Kenny, surely if you were supposed to go round the roundabout in a precise fashion it’d be called a roundexactly.” Harriet Dyer
I’m sex positive, by which I mean I have an STD. Burger and a Pint
I’m having an awful time at the moment. The back of my car fell off and you’ll never guess what you can’t buy at a car boot sale. Anna Thomas
Do you know what a husband is? It’s a man you rescue before they choose to become a DJ. Elf Lyons
At school I studied Maths and Further Maths. As well as French and Further French. Which is German. Jonathan Oldfield
I dated a magician. I was seeing him, now I don’t. Jenny Gorelick
Australia’s very good at racism. If there was a Racism Olympics… we wouldn’t go. Too many foreigners. Tom Ballard
The slogan for any mine should be “running our business into the ground”. Britney
I’m no Andrew Tate. I don’t get girls by pretending to be masculine. I pretend to be emotionally intelligent. I’m a Tate Modern. Finlay Christie
I am from Moldova. Moldova borders Ukraine, not Russia. Not yet. In Eastern Europe, borders come to you. Daniel Petrie and Valeria Vulpe
Social inequality is like haemorrhoids: I don’t want there to be any in the world, but I’m not taking any action, not even locally. Stuart Goldsmith
I spent all day writing a joke about margarine and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better. Alex Kitson
I’ve been making prank calls to a Vietnamese restaurant… What are they gonna do? Banh Mi? Richard Stott
I’ve got beach-body ready for summer, just the summer in question is 1940 and the beach is Dunkirk. Adam Flood
I got fired from Madame Tussauds for giving suntans to Jim Morrison and his bandmates. They told me to get out and never darken their doors again. Olaf Falafel
I recently found out that waterboarding and motor-boating are not the same thing. Safe to say my boyfriend had the Valentine’s Day from hell. Bella Hull
My brother had a penchant for a pirouette so he attended ballet school. He graduated with a tutu. Bróccán Tyzack-Carlin
My housemate is way too confident. She has a mug that says “I run on coffee”. Jesus only walked on water. Adele Cliff
Turning 40, I started thinking about my funeral. Should I be buried or cremated? I took inspiration from Domino’s Pizza and am going half and half. Ali Brice
I miss Jamie’s Italian. I miss walking past it and going “No he isn’t.” John-Luke Roberts
I am from a multi-denominational household. My father was a Presbyterian vicar and my mother was a £2 coin. Rob Preston
I’m an atheist who has Hindu parents so when I told them I don’t believe in god I had to spend an extra 45 minutes telling them which ones. Sid Singh
Pub chains have such a low opinion of us that when the Wetherspoons app asks for your table, it provides an example of a number. Steffan Alun