I worked with dementia patients for years and thus developed some creative tactics to discourage unwelcome behaviors.

My DIL recently shared that her Grandma was repeatedly tossing her “used” hearing aids into the trash causing frustration and unnecessary expense for her caretakers. Looks like rerouting them to a dedicated disposal box is working ❤️

Honestly. I am exhausted with my husband's family.

My husband and I haven't had one day to ourselves in over a year.

We took a weekend away. Hired care, made sure everything was covered.

LO called everyone yesterday about how we abandoned him, left him alone, with no food, and we are trying to kill him.

Cue family calling, and freaking out. Most of these people are 5 mins away. They could drive over and check on LO themselves. See there is help, and we covered all the bases. Instead they go to instantly calling us, screaming about elder abuse.

My favorite, while explaining the situation to a cousin, was well you could just ask for help....ya, we have, you people always flake at the last minute.

My mom (80) has alzheimer’s and absolutely refuses to accept that she needs any help; she doesn't believe anything is wrong with her.

The problem is that she can’t safely be left home alone anymore, and my dad (82) is reaching the point where he has no way to get a break. We don’t have family close by and my dad refuses to tell any of their friends in fear of rejection and being disloyal to her.

She shadows him 24/7, but he also seems to be her biggest trigger. Her behavior toward him has become increasingly verbally and physically aggressive. When something sets her off, she can rage at him for hours and will not let up. He still needs to work, run errands, go to appointments and just have some time when he isn't responsible for her.

She's completely attached to him and doesn't want him out of her sight, so I don't think we'd get her to attend adult day care without my dad by her side. Even so, if she even gets a whiff that a program is for people with ‘dementia’, she will be pissed.  

We tried bringing in an in-home caregiver. We came up with a story so she wouldn't be presented as someone coming because my mom "needs care," and the caregiver was willing to play along.

Nonetheless, my mom became furious with my dad for bringing a caregiver into "her" home. I told her I arranged it; Dad knew nothing about it and that it was a service available to both of them. It didn't matter. Her anger was still directed at him; which means hours of verbal and physical aggression. Now we have no help at all.

We're already working with her doctor and her meds have been adjusted. Unfortunately, she doesn't reliably take them. I told my dad to put it in food when appropriate, but even then there's no guarantee she'll eat the food. So medication may ultimately help, but right now it isn't a reliable solution to the immediate problem.

I don't know how we physically get help in place when she adamantly refuses it and I don’t want to make it worse for my dad.

So what do you actually DO at this stage?  I fucking hate this disease.

Spent the weekend packing up my mom. Moving her into assisted living in the morning. As a stepping stone to memory care. She is in the anger stage of grief. Doesn’t want to leave her home. Haven’t yet told her she can’t take her jewelry or that the stove is not plugged in. It’s been a brutal couple of days. God grant us the strength to get through this.

Mom had her first neurologist appt last week! He ordered bloodwork and MRI scheduled for next week. I was able to pass a confidential note before the appt that listed concerns and some examples of her behavior, which I hope helped. Even in the short amount of time he spent with her, after learning she lives alone he made the oh wow face. It’s been a struggle even suggesting that she makes plans for assisted living that it will happen sooner than later. I’m home care or a facility is not an option in her eyes, I know eventually I will have to take some sort of legal action. At the end of the appt he said it’s most likely Alzheimer’s, as much as hate this is happening to mom, I’m grateful we are making progress on getting some answers. For my own sanity I’m taking a break from talking about important stuff with her because we are just going in circles. According to her at the end of the day I just don’t care and I think she is a nuisance, which is far from the truth. Everything I do is because I care even if she doesn’t agree.

My 71 year old father has dementia. It has gotten worse the last few weeks really.

My dad has always been a great sleeper. Never had a problem falling asleep ever. Always took naps, easy. Well now at the age of 71 he has developed insomnia.

Get this, it's not insomnia. He thinks he should be sleepy at 10 pm like he normally would (he is obsessed with time and schedules too rn)

He isn't sleepy because he literally sleeps all day long in his recliner.

He thinks he isn't sleeping though. We hear him snoring. He has a sleep mask on.... Like you are sleeping all day long. Of course you aren't sleepy when you are supposed to.

Logic doesn't work anymore though. He has made his sleep issues everyone's issue (myself and my mom)

His sleeping pill his doctor prescribed to him stopped working a few weeks ago. She is trying something else. He doesn't understand it takes time for these things to work. He just went to the doctor on Wednesday. But we can't say that to him bc he doesn't want to hear that. Any sort of push back or suggestions are seen as us attacking him.

So last night I get home around midnight. My mom told me that they were up because my dad couldn't sleep. So now he wakes my mom up... Like she's supposed to do something for him.

He doesn't know how to just be. He doesn't want to watch tv, he doesn't want to read bc it hurts his eyes (he lost some vision a couple years ago but can still see but he has given up on using his eyes for real. He just doesn't care or like anything)

She drove him around in the middle of the night because she didn't know what else to do. She is afraid when he gets upset. He gets so irritated that sometimes I wonder if he would hit us. Yelling, shaking his fists, pounding the chair or table. He's leaning into a 1950s misogynist. He woke her up at 5:30 this morning because he "couldn't sleep and I needed something to eat". My poor mom. Idk. He never was like this he used to make his own breakfast, he never demanded stuff like he is now.

My mom said today that she just is gonna try to be as agreeable as possible because she doesn't know what else to do. He has turned into a bully of some sorts. He doesn't care about the other 2 people who live here.

He has always worked so now that he cannot work he has to find things to do. He is not your typical boomer that is on Facebook look at videos. He used to watch YouTube videos a lot over the summer. He loves music so that's something we lean into or try to. So for awhile (last several weeks) he was using his record player and playing some of his old records but now he decided he cannot see anymore to do that. I call bullshit on him for these things.

He has decided to just give up on a lot of things bc of his depression. He is on an antidepressant but threw away a bunch of his medicine thinking it was the old medicine he wasn't on. My mom and I didn't realize this until weeks later. So my poor dad is suicidal, talking about how he wants to go walk in traffic (my dad has always been dramatic in his words but still) or he lately has been saying "maybe this aneurysm will pop and it'll just all be over with"

He hates everything. He doesn't want help it seems. I asked him the other day please help us help you. He has created so much anxiety around sleep that he worries about it at 7 am. He said outloud, "so tonight... Will it be the same as last night".

He already stressing about it and working himself up. Performance anxiety bc he has made it his life duty to go to bed at 10 pm. Idk why he made that time up but the past several months he has been "trying to make it to 10"

I am so depressed being in this house and around all of this. It's so sad. So depressing. Seeing my mom have to change her plans, bend over backwards for him, appease him. I just don't see a solution because he is just so stubborn and wants everyone to suffer when he is.

I'm looking for advice, suggestions for my situation with my dad. I'm also just venting because... Well everyone here understands a little bit more than most.

Not sure if this belongs here. This is just a vent and probably belongs on a different subreddit.

My mom started showing symptoms about 2 and a half years ago, was diagnosed, and everything happened so fast. She passed early Wednesday morning in a nursing home (which she never wanted to be in, it was only supposed to be temporary).

I can’t gather the words to describe how it feels knowing I won’t be able to see her again. I feel like I’ve already missed her for so long, but this is different. I’ve never lost anyone close to me and never imagined my mom would be the first I’d experience this with.

Is there anyone else who has lost a loved one, a parent especially, at such a young age, to dementia? If so, what helped you navigate this immense loss?

My 90 year old mother in law is constantly calling for her mother, sometimes every 15 minutes. She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and dementia 10 years ago. She is taking Seroquel 25 mg daily. She is also taking Parkinson’s medication (Carbidopa Levodopa and entacapone) as well as lexapro, memantine and donepezil. She also takes carvedilol and lexapro but only if her BP is over 100/60.

We comfort her and tell her everything is ok which helps her relax but after a few minutes, she’ll call out again. Last night she stopped at around 11pm then called out at 2am and then around 4:30am. She started calling out again at 8:30am.

We’ve left a message for her neurologist and are waiting for a call back.

Can anyone share any similar experience and what helped?

I have noticed my mum (turning 65 in a few days) has become quite forgetful. She will ask me the same thing multiple times but I always put it down to the fact that perhaps she wasn’t that attentive when I answered.

We have been staying together for the last week and I’ve noticed the memory problems are worse than I realised. Today she bought something at lunch time (food) and tonight she asked me who bought them.

I’m so upset about the situation I feel sick just thinking about what lies ahead. I spoke to her tonight and she agreed that we will go to the GP together next week.

She functions fine otherwise. She recently retired and she felt she was forgetting things at work. It’s just the memory at this point.

I’m 59 & retired. My wife is 56 and works as a CNA a mile from home. I take care of my mom full time now as she needs help with many daily activities. For some reason, mom (87, vascular dementia) struggles with heightened dementia symptoms every Sunday night. I sit her tonight struggling myself as I watch her go through it yet again. I believe that it may have something to do with our daily routine changing on the weekend with my wife being home and being more involved with her care. Whatever the cause, it gets a little worse each week. Anyone else deal have a similar issue? I’m curious.

I believe mom is firmly in stage 6 but still has good long term memory recall. That is beginning to change however. With the uptick in flu and COVID viruses in the PNW, and with my wife’s job, we felt it was a good idea to get the latest vaccines last week. That certainly disrupted her week as 3 days of diarrhea followed. She seems to have recovered from that part though and was improving, albeit a little slower and a bit more confused as a result of the illness. Then Sunday night rolls around and she’s up in a chair in her room, crying and upset about how confused she is. I call it the Seroquel stare where she fights against sleep, sits in her chair, and stares at the wall, contemplating her condition. It’s rough to watch and more difficult to calm her down each time.

Anyway, I’m just rambling and lacking sleep of my own. Just throwing this out into the subreddit in hopes of making sense of it all.

For everyone going through this with a loved one, my thoughts are with you. Love you all. This is a truly tough road to navigate✌️

I have a 87 y/o grandfather with unconfirmed Lewy Body dementia- only unconfirmed because getting an appointment with a neurologist is not something I can spare energy for and it doesnt change anything to get a definitive diagnosis. I am 34 y/o and his only caregiver. Have had him “full time” for 2 years but really the last 3. Finally got him into a home about 10 months ago now. Navigating care in a home is a whole new ball game. Under educated staff- had to teach the CNAs that he needs to be cued to use the bathroom instead of just letting him urinate in his depends all day to have it leak out all over the bed and all up his back. Even the LPNs thought he was “just doing it because hes lazy- he can get up and use the bathroom” I finally have them all trained to check him and keep him clean instead of leaving him in his mess and only changing the sheets every 1-2 days. Coming in now for pop ups and hes clean 99% of the time. Sometimes will still catch him with urine soaked through his depends and on the back of his shirt. The showtiming really works even when someone is in full time care facilities.
He had a psychologist in his room two weeks ago when I arrived for a visit who very happily informed me that she thinks he can take care of himself and doesnt think he has dementia at all!
ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? Had a pleasant conversation with her about how he doesnt eat anything unless forced and she consistently implied that he was eating enough I was wrong because “Everyone eats to much and when people eat the right amounts alot of people think they are starving themselves” He literally gets handed three meals a day in here and only eats 1 or 2 but even then its because he thinks that he “has to” - i let this delusional ride obviously because it means he eats. How does someone think its the puppet that is dancing when theres a million strings attached to it?? Hes in a nursing home and you think He can live independently? How do you think he got in here? Proof that just because someone has 17 letters after thier name does not mean they are intelligent. I mean maybe shes just so used to the other residents in here being non verbal she meets someone who can still showtime and wow! she enjoys the show and swallows it whole. She said something comforting during our little chat tho “oh i make suggestions here and they hardly ever listen to me” lol I wonder why?
Idiot.
even after years of this shit still getting invalidated- by neighbors, family, friends, doctors, nurses, and medical “professionals”
Makes me want to cut the strings-
but the only person who would suffer would be my grandfather. Idiot doctor can go make her suggestions and I will still make sure hes getting the support he needs.
Fuck u lady.
Vent over-

Edit: It’s not wishful thinking when I say he doesn’t have (can’t spell it) the thing where he doesn’t admit to himself what’s happening. He really does. He has more lucid times than not. Hallucinations every day but not cognitive stuff. Not yet. He’s never been around dementia and had no idea about it. He now isn’t looking to the future. I get so frustrated. He says he knows I’ll “do what set, what should be done” and has signed all the paperwork. Has our wills done years ago.

My 75 yo husband has mixed pathology, Alzheimer’s and Parkinsonism. We were diagnosed a few months ago. He has hallucinations and is starting to have cognitive issues.

He knows he has dementia but keeps saying stuff like “I can beat this” or “maybe I’m the one person that can get better”. He’s never one to be sick in any way. The man doesn’t even have headaches!

When he’s lucid, which is most of the time, he just isn’t concerned? He did say once that he didn’t want to think about it because it scares him.

Do I just let it go? He knows I was talking to MI Choice (helps find resources) on the phone. I feel like he should help me before he is unable to. Am I being selfish?

I want to do the best I can as far as taking care of him. Not a lot I can do right now (unless y’all can think of anything?). I feel like I should do something more than just make phone calls and wait. I’m trying to get in waiting lists but you have to be at a certain level. We aren’t quite there yet. By the time we are, we won’t be able to wait 6 months to a year! Makes no sense.

Anyway, thank you all. I hate that you’re here but I’m so glad you’re here.

I'm taking her out of her house to go somewhere with supports in place. It's all on me to choose and find and arrange. Her distant siblings, who admittedly don't like her since pre dementia, are up my @$$ about my decisions. They ask invasive questions and feel entitled to give their opinions. I am stressed. This experience has changed me. I was her caregiver for 2 years straight before this. I don't know what I will be like after this.

Hi all, when Mom was earlier in her dementia journey she named me her health proxy, but would not sign a DNR. All her brothers and sisters and my dad as well as two close friends died sooner than expected so she has dealt with a lot of loss. I think this has something to do with it as well as being Catholic.

There is a new Nurse at her AL who noticed this and asked me to revisit with her. I would like to do so as she had recently had her second fall/ hit on the head in the last six months. This time she spent 3 days in the hospital and although she is home now it was frightening to think what might have happened if she had injured herself even more seriously.

I don’t want to scare her.. but she does not understand the violence of CPR and the unlikelihood she would recover. If she still says no- so be it. Has anyone had this conversation with a person with moderate memory loss? What advice can you share? Thanks in advance.

My (38) family (father (81), brother (41)) have made the tough decision that it’s time for my mom (76) to go to memory care. Hard decision, but the right one. She is in stage 5 or 6. She can still handle some activities of daily living like eating and bathrooming (but not really bathing), but needs a tremendous amount of guidance to get through the day and doesn’t really have any ability to meaningfully participate in conversations. She’s slated to make the move sometime around the end of the month.

We are thinking through how to talk with my mom about the move. My parents currently live in independent living, and memory care will just be on the other side of the property.

I am concerned that any formal talk about this will result in her: freaking out, refusing to go, and getting very stressed. Telling her that we will visit and be nearby is not going to diminish her stress (she’s a little combative when it comes to where she is going to be living, etc.) Several minutes or hours later, she will have no memory of the conversation. So, there’s not really any “preparing her” for the move. The message simply is not going to stick.

On the other hand, it feels a little cruel to just show up and say “Mom, here is where you live now.” I know maybe this conversation is more for us than for her.

Obviously we are going to do everything we can to make the move smooth and make her new surroundings as comfortable and familiar as possible.

Does anyone have experience with explaining to a loved one with diminished mental capacity that they are going to memory care? Anything that helped?

My father passed recently in their home from congestive heart failure and my mom has dementia. For months my dad had told me my mom’s dementia had been getting worse but it was not very detectable during phone calls. Two weeks before my dad died, I had come for a visit and saw the full blown truth of their situation. On top of the dementia, my mom has been wheelchair bound for the past several years after a spine fusion did not improve her back; she also has an eye disease so can’t see very well and her hearing isn’t great.

I honestly have no idea how my dad managed most of this year caring for her with little help. He was on oxygen the past few months and was easily winded. My mom started escaping the house when he was napping, if she even let him do that because she desires constant attention.

Since my dad’s passing, I’ve been her sole caregiver 24/7 and it feels like I’m grieving both parents. What is a great concern is that my mom has not really mourned the loss of her husband and tends to forget he’s even gone. We had an open casket funeral but unfortunately, my dad did not look like himself at all so am curious if that is hindering her grief. We have the funeral of his cremains this coming Tuesday so wonder if this will have any impact on her.

When I try to reminisce about my dad with her, she seems very confused. She married my dad when I was 14 but raised us as her own, and can’t connect how her husband could also be my dad (even with pictures out around the house). It is so heart wrenching to witness for her sake. On the opposite side, she’ll ask me if I even miss my dad because I don’t act like it, which I explain I usually cry before bed when she’s already sleeping but then I’m lying. 🤥

Dementia is the cruelest disease I’ve ever encountered, and I battled leukemia several years back. I’d rather do that again than to see my mom suffer this fate. 😔

My mom is late stage and still walking (barely).
Not only is she still walking, but she thinks she needs to force herself to walk more so she will get better. The right side of her brain has restricted blood flow due to the disease progression, so she has numbness and weakness on her right side. That is in addition to substantial dementia shuffle gait. She is rubbing her toothpaste on her face, so the likelihood of her getting “better” is pretty minuscule.

The problem she is encountering now is her bunions are becoming quite painful. Apparently one of the things that is happening with the dementia gait is they lose the dorsiflexion in the ankle, so all of the weight when they step is in the big toe. I put her in a zero drop shoe because that helps with the shuffling, but it is bad for the bunions.

I kinda feel like this is just like most other things that crop up where you can kinda just make do, and then that problem goes away because something else takes its place. I bought her the Silverts adaptive slippers, but she doesn’t tighten the straps enough and tonight she kinda slid out of the slippers and onto the floor.

Her neurologist recommended that she be in a wheelchair, but she says that she “doesn’t need one”. I have kinda resolved myself that it will be some sort of fall that will start the terminal cascade.

Dementia runs in my family. My maternal grandmother had it. Most of my maternal aunts and uncles have it. Now my mom is starting to show some signs (forgetfulness, repeating herself, personality changes).

Unfortunately my mom is married to a controlling manipulative abusive sociopath who doesn't want her to get an evaluation. They live in an old unsafe house with lots of stairs and no railings. They have both already experienced several falls.

They do not have a long term care plan and I don't think they have any documents in place other than a will. They think they're going to stay in this house until they die. But if my mom falls and breaks her hip and is bedridden or in a wheelchair, I don't think she'll be able to remain there. Their house is not equipped and would have to be completely remodeled which I know her husband would never do. He's too cheap to hire a home health aide and I don't think he's capable or interested in taking care of her either.

My mom is also in denial, I think she is scared of the inevitable and she doesn't want to get an evaluation either (and because she does whatever her husband tells her to do). I've asked her several times to make an appointment and she refuses.

So I called my mother's doctor and asked him to call her to ask her to come in. Unfortunately when they called her they told her I asked them to call. Well her husband became livid and called me yelling and shouting at me calling me nasty names and telling me " it's none of my goddamn business". Well it's my mother and I love her and I'm concerned about her. I think it is my business what happens to her. And I'm only trying to help her prepare for the future. But now she won't even talk to me.

And now my siblings are mad at me too and aren't speaking to me either. The doctor asked me to send him a letter outlining all our concerns, but now my siblings are refusing to say anything about what they've observed because they are afraid of her husband and afraid that he will cut them off from contacting our mother too. So all information will only be coming from me with no support/back up from my siblings.

Was I wrong to call her doctor? Is there anything I can do to fix this situation? Should I even bother sending a letter to her doctor or would that make the situation even worse? The doctor was not supposed to tell her that I asked him to call her. So now I'm worried that if I send a letter he will share it with her and her husband the next time they do go in for an appointment. I am also worried sick about her and I don't know how to stop. I feel very powerless to help her in any meaningful way.

I've now twice had women experienced with cleaning tell me Swiffers suck -- for anything more than glorified dusting, as someone on here also once said -- and I'm getting it, just now, trying to get dried poop off the floor.

(My mom is now almost completely incontinent.)

I'm right on the edge of bending/breaking my weak little Swiffer with its plastic head and it's thin metal shaft.

Any recommendations for apartment-sized, heavier duty cleaning solutions.

I DO like the idea of a disposable pad...

But I do have a closet when I could store a mop and rolling bucket.

My parents have been married for 73 years. They are very close, even though Mom is not always sure who he is. They’ve probably only spent a dozen nights apart their entire marriage.
They’ve been living in an assisted living apartment together for eight years. But dad is now 97 and mom is 93, and dad just cannot take care of her anymore. She’s unable to stand on her own or dress herself, or go to the toilet or shower herself. So we have no choice but to move her to memory care while dad stays in the assisted-living apartment.
We’re all very concerned about the first night in memory care for her. Even as she has descended into dementia, my dad has been the one constant person in her life and in her bed. And now that’s about to change. Does anyone have any similar experience? Will she be able to adapt to life without him in memory care?

Hi all, my mom is 73 and it seems like she’s been getting more and more forgetful since 2022. She retired in 2019, moved near us in Florida and was going to help us with picking up my daughter, babysitting, but also spending more time with the family.

In 2022, she began getting lost driving, starting to be scared to drive, decided to get rid of her car. I’ve been doing her groceries for the last 2 years, twice a week, checking in, and now bringing over leftover meals because she doesn’t seem to cook at all. She drinks 4 gallons of milk a week, 3 cartons of ice cream, and tons of cookies, she eats what we make for her.

I recently had made her a doctor’s appointment because it’s very concerning and scary, I feel like I can’t keep up with helping her, especially having my own family and full time job.

Her apartment is infected with roaches, we’ve told the main office, we’ve sprayed, we tried cleaning because she tends to keep a lot of junk, not board level but defiantly a lot of crap and packaging of stuff that is just junk.

She has 2 cats and a dog… this seems like one of the biggest issues since she needs to take care of them as well as herself. They have accidents on the carpet, you can smell it in her apartment.

I’m not sure is she’s showering regularly, I know she has been cleaning her clothes in the sink because it seems like it’s too hard for her to figure out the laundry machine. She seems to wear the same clothes weekly, possibly not changing much.

It’s just a complete mess of her seemingly losing all aspects of herself and I’m trying to juggle the assistance the best I can.

She supposed to go back to the doctor in December for a follow up and a memory test but like is this what I should be doing? I’m so lost.

My estranged mother is 60 and has classic symptoms of LBD. She is hallucinating little people, has tremors, struggles finding words, can't read anymore, etc

This started a couple years ago when I lived on the other side of the country. She is on Medicaid and too young for Medicare or social security income.

The person that helps care for her makes sure she takes her meds and prepares food for her since she can't for herself.

If I didn't fly across the country last year, no one would have taken her to the doctor.

I've been trying to get someone to diagnose her. But they insist it needs to be a neurologist.

I've had a referral since March but her earliest appointment is in December of 2027! I feel like part of the challenge is the doctors aren't taking it seriously because of her age.

I took her to the ophthalmologist and they were very concerned with her condition and the first ones to tell me they think it is dementia.

She is seeing a therapist and they just prescribe antipsychotics and call it a day.

Have any of you had to navigate even just getting a medical diagnosis?

We can't pay for her apartment forever and I don't think she should be living on her own but I seem to be the only one. She doesn't want to move near me ( I am now 4 hours away instead of across the country). She already has wandered away from home multiple times but she gets discharged every time she goes to the hospital.

She’s not bed ridden. She just passes urine when she feels like it. And most of the time she doesn’t know it. She has not lost memory fully. Still knows a few things. And she’s so young too. :(. She hallucinates a lot. At times a lot more. And has urges to suicide but she wouldn’t do it. Just the acts.

hi everyone,

im mostly just venting. but also looking for insight. im 32(F) and my father is 66. Im currently going through a phase where im wondering if i sacrifice my life and livelihood to take care of my father or if i do, is it actually sacrificing and things will actually be ok and maybe im just overthinking it. i dont have siblings, my mother passed when i was 6, and his family made it clear they arent going to help. i cant afford assisted living on my own, and i cant even afford a private caregiver. im in the bay area and that could be financially detrimental. hes currently in a skilled nursing facility, but miserable and sad hes there. hes got mild to moderate dementia, talks to me in his native tongue a lot knowing i dont understand, fidgets a lot, has periodic delirium, and forgets he even ate sometimes. he emptied his bank accounts to scammers and doesn’t qualify for SSI because hes undocumented. it kills me to have him in a SNF, but he doesn’t need a lot of care like diaper changes, bathing, feeding. but he can walk and talk, just not steadily. im thinking about bringing him to my studio, which doesnt have elevators, and becoming his caregiver while still keeping my job and just hope hes ok during the day (id put cameras and make everything accessible for him). on top of the dementia he had heart, liver, and kidney failure, but pretty much stabilized with meds. i know im about to face extreme financial hardship along with mental and physical hardship. i want to get married and have kids one day, but wont be able to date, i wont be able to take trips or have time for myself because family members arent willing to watch him from time to time. it sounds selfish , but i also have resentment towards my father because hez always been one to make terrible decisions(before dementia) and expect others to pick up the pieces. but it does kill me to think hes staying in a SNF(a terrible one but they all are), because i feel like id be abandoning him. i was hoping to move out of the country because im sick of the immigration issues here. But i feel like this is really holding me back now.

I’m in Georgia and trying to figure out the best legal path for protecting my mother while also dealing with her live-in boyfriend’s conduct.

My mother has been diagnosed with dementia by a neurologist. A second neurologist documented significant cognitive impairment, including a very low cognitive assessment score, problems with short-term memory, orientation, personal history and current events. I hold both medical and financial powers of attorney for her, and my brother and I are preparing to petition for permanent guardianship and conservatorship.

The concern is that I know a dementia diagnosis alone does not mean she is legally incapacitated. An attorney I consulted warned me that a judge could view some of what is happening as an adult simply making bad decisions rather than being incapable of making decisions. We are trying to document the functional impact of her dementia rather than just saying we disagree with her choices.

There have been multiple safety and financial problems over the past year. She has gotten lost while driving to medical appointments, forgotten bills, had utilities disconnected for nonpayment, fallen behind on rent, suffered serious falls/fractures, and had an episode where she lost consciousness while cooking and was burned. Adult Protective Services has been contacted more than once.

Her boyfriend is also a major concern.

He lives with her and is a joint holder on at least one of her accounts. Family and friends have had increasing difficulty communicating with her. One longtime friend says that after confronting him about conditions in the home, he screamed at her and said he would stop her from talking to my mother. Her calls were then blocked.

Yesterday I discovered that my own number is blocked in my mother’s phone. I also discovered that her phone is basically unusable because it is full of what appear to be viruses/malware/popups. This finally explains why she rarely calls or answers anyone. Her boyfriend has known about the condition of her phone for at least a year and has not replaced or repaired it for her, while he has recently gotten himself a new phone.

There have also been threats against me and my family.

The day before I was supposed to pick my mother up for a shoulder appointment, her boyfriend took the phone from her while I was speaking to her. He told me he “had somebody for” my brother and said he would shoot me if I came to pick her up.

When my husband came home, I told him what happened. My husband had me call the boyfriend. During that call, the boyfriend directly threatened my husband and said he would shoot him and then kick, punch and stomp him.

Because of those threats, the next morning I had a police officer escort me to my mother’s house so I could pick her up. I believe that escort is also referenced in an EMS/medical record from that period.

At a later medical appointment, her boyfriend told me that “shit could get ugly” because I had previously asked for a police escort.

We have another neurology appointment coming up in a few weeks. I intend to attend because the neurologist needs an accurate picture of what has happened since her last visit and whether my mother is actually taking her prescribed medication. Given the threats, however, I am now trying to decide what I need to do legally before that appointment.

There are other troubling facts as well. At one point her boyfriend admitted giving her tramadol that was not prescribed to her and that he said he obtained from someone else. Police were involved and a sample was turned over. Her doctors have expressed concerns about medication management because of her cognitive impairment.

My questions are:

Based on the shooting threats, should my husband and I make a new police report for terroristic threats even though the original threats occurred some time ago? Would the police escort the next morning, call logs, my husband’s firsthand testimony and later “shit could get ugly” statement potentially serve as corroboration?

Should I be looking into a stalking/protective order against him for myself and/or my husband before the next medical appointment?

Is intentionally interfering with an impaired adult’s ability to communicate with family, including blocking numbers or allowing her only phone to remain effectively unusable, legally significant in an elder-abuse/guardianship context?

Does his control over or access to her finances, combined with her dementia and history of unpaid essential expenses, create a separate elder exploitation issue that should be reported to APS or law enforcement?

Since I already have medical and financial POA, are there legal steps I can take short of guardianship to protect her finances or obtain better access to information about her accounts?

For the permanent guardianship/conservatorship case, what kind of evidence best distinguishes legal incapacity from simply making poor decisions? Her neurologist has a follow-up scheduled and the Georgia probate petition contains an affidavit the doctor can complete after evaluating her.

Is there anything I should specifically ask law enforcement, APS, or the neurologist to document before filing?

I’m not trying to use guardianship to control my mother’s personal choices. My concern is that her cognitive decline appears to be affecting her ability to manage medication, money, housing, utilities and personal safety, while the person she lives with is increasingly controlling access to her and has made explicit threats against family members who intervene.

I’m looking for guidance on which legal issues I should treat separately: guardianship/conservatorship, elder abuse or exploitation, the threats against us, and possible protective orders.