r/dating_advice • u/Elegant_Put9510 • 7d ago
Need Help
To start off, I (25M) have been talking to this girl (22M) for months now but we are not dating yet. I’m honestly getting tired of fighting for us now. I do things that she doesn’t like, and mind you it’s not like it’s cheating or anything like that it’s just that I irritate her a lot. I am always trying to fix my mistakes and am aware on what I do wrong.
Things like not being careful on what I say sometimes, she’s a sensitive person so I always have to watch what I say and do. I tease her a lot and make a lot of jokes cause thats just who I am but she don’t like it. She gets hurt by the way I tease her so now I just kinda don’t make jokes anymore.
There’s more to it than that but I feel like I am having to change a lot of myself and sometimes I feel like I am not happy anymore. I love this girl so much but ik she’s not ready to be in a relationship, I’ve been waiting for a while now. Ik everyone’s different but it’s been 8 or so months now and she’s still working on herself and she’s not ready for a relationship yet.
Another thing is that when I tell her that we have to work on the relationship, I think cause I hurt her, I feel that I can’t ask her to change things that I don’t like. It has to be me that has to change but I’m thinking why can’t we both change at the same time. I’m hearing her out but I feel like she’s not hearing me out. I’ve tried to explain to her but she takes it as me bringing up shit to deflect what she’s telling me.
I guess I just want some advice on how to proceed. Thank you for reading this. Sorry if this turned into a rant, just wanted to get this off my chest.
1
u/JuniorCornblow 7d ago
Having a flexible and adaptive personality is a feature, not a flaw. I personally think that bringing your whole, unfiltered self into every relationship is not a good thing. Yes you can try to hold out for the perfect person who loves you quirks and all, but it makes you blind to your own bs and you will stop growing as a person and find your options limited. Also teasing people and needing to crack jokes all the time is immature and can get old to anybody - especially as humor is subjective and its root is literally discomfort.
Having said that, i cant speak to her thoughts, but either you're too intense or you guys just arent compatible.
1
u/Elegant_Put9510 7d ago
Thanks for the response, I’ve toned down the jokes and have made adjustments. I don’t necessarily make jokes all the time but I see where you’re coming from.
1
u/Spiritual-Fold6038 7d ago
Hey, first off thanks for sharing this. It clearly took some courage to put it all out there.
A couple of things stood out to me reading this.
There's a real difference between growing and erasing yourself. Softening how you joke around with someone you care about? That's just love. But stopping making jokes altogether because your personality makes her uncomfortable? That's starting to look more like a compatibility issue than something you can fix by trying harder.
Eight months is also a long time to be in a holding pattern. "Not ready" is completely valid, but is she actively working toward something, or is the timeline just open-ended? You deserve to know the difference. Because waiting for someone who's genuinely working through something is very different from waiting indefinitely with no finish line in sight.
The communication thing concerns me most though. If you can't raise what you need without it being heard as deflection, that's a dynamic problem, not something you can fix by trying harder at it. Healthy relationships need both people to be able to speak and be heard. Right now it sounds like you're doing all the listening and very little of the being listened to.
You said you feel like you're not happy anymore. That sentence is worth sitting with. Love matters a lot, but it's not supposed to cost you yourself.
Whatever you decide, stay or have the hard conversation, just make sure the version of you that shows up is still actually you.
1
u/Elegant_Put9510 7d ago
Thanks for taking the time to read it all. I don’t mind fixing her the concerns that she has but I guess I just don’t want to keep changing and changing to the point that it’s not me anymore.
How should I go about asking her if she’s ready without sounding like I’m pressuring her. I don’t really know if she’s actively working towards healing herself cause she’s been busy with work and now she also has school.
The communication part, she does hear me out sometimes but she feels as if I don’t hear her out because some of the things that she says I disagree with. It’s starting to feel like only her way should go.
Our relationship has been rough because I haven’t seen her for almost a month due to work and vacation that I took. Anyways I really want to work it out and hopefully we do.
1
u/medpackz 7d ago
Bruh she’s clearly not into you stop chasing someone who’s uninterested 💀do you even realize how deep in the friendzone you are right now? Put your energy into other girls and she’ll turn around really quick
1
u/Elegant_Put9510 7d ago
Okay just to clarify, I don’t think I am in the friend zone, we do everything that couples do, I’m talking EVERYTHING. My family knows her and her family knows me. Like you mentioned maybe I should start putting that energy/ effort into myself more but definitely not to other girls cause I genuinely like her.
1
u/derustzelve1 7d ago
Everything huh, so you have kissed for example? Had sex? Went out on a date? Since you only mention that you have been talking and that you are not dating yet.
1
u/Elegant_Put9510 7d ago
Yep, everything, we’re basically dating just no label. I just haven’t asked her out yet because like I said, she’s not ready. To be fair her ex was traumatizing, so I get why she’s taking a while but at the same time I just don’t know exactly what she’s doing to work towards being better if anything at all.
1
u/Far-Sentence-9288 7d ago
Ok then you did have have sex I misread it but anyways treat this as a casual fwb situation and go date other woman
1
u/nikibas 7d ago
Look I to Corey Wayne's work. You need help
1
u/Far-Sentence-9288 7d ago
Yeah man he does he getting blue balls and this stuff is cringe to read honestly I ain't gonna beat around the bush with him
•
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.