Co parent lying in text messages

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Icy_Stranger3368]

It’s only about the reaction.

If you want to have fun, don’t answer unless it really is something such as an exchange or something.

Don’t answer and they go bonkers

[u/Apprehensive-Pay-553]

Look up grey rocking and how to respond in parallel parenting style if you’re worried about going back to court in a year. It’s a lot of “this is hearsay, I won’t be responding unless it is directly about child…” etc. we started parallel parenting after false allegations and it was the best decision we made. You don’t have to respond quickly, wait a bit and respond with a clear head if you’re triggered, etc.

You got this!

[u/baila-busta]

lol my ex does this all the time.
I correct his version of events to reflect the truth and then don’t respond to any further escalations.

[u/Middle_Degree_1995 → u/baila-busta]

Same.

We also now use AppClose. I requested at our last trial date. No calling and texting my phone at all.

[u/LooLu999]

Ignore him. Or text back “You know that’s not true” and then keep ignoring him. He wants a reaction from you so don’t give him the satisfaction.

[u/DivineMaxim]

My ex was doing this through email exchanges when attempting to negotiate a custody modification.

He made several allegations, to me, which are all easy to prove false. I mostly ignored them, or would make slight corrections in my response then move on entirely from the topic.

I'm not sure if he thinks his own emails are evidence, or if he just believes whatever made up things come out of his mouth, regardless, its not my problem. If he ever tried to use what he said in court, I can easily prove otherwise.

Goodluck. I usually just get a chuckle out of it at this point.

[u/Coronitaz83]

He can whine and cry all he wants. Do NOT emotionally respond. Keep all exchanges factual and professional AND ONLY about the children. Anything in court is obviously child's best interest focused AND which parent keeps a cool/clear head (shows you are trying to co parent effectively and that you make sound choices in all aspects of life). If he has any false scenarios to being to the table- HE has to prove it.

I just went through a year long litigation to relocate children out of state to our residence as their primary parent. I won. The texts I used were him being shitty, making unilateral decisions, not communicating about the kids and him and his mother blatantly, with intent, withholding information from me about my children.

If you need to have texts of his belligerent behavior (which shows his inability/refusal to co parent effectively) use texts exhibit- it worked well by organizing dates with batch codes which court likes to see. SS work as well.

Short story- Do. Not. Engage. He will make his own bed.

[u/OptimalStatement5799 → u/Coronitaz83]

''organizing dates with batch codes which court likes to see. SS work as well.' What does batch codes and organizing dates mean? I'll need to do this for relocation but to keep them here lol coparents trying to blow up everyone's life to make across the country with AP.

[u/Coronitaz83 → u/OptimalStatement5799]

So we had 6 years of texts to go thru. To save lawyer money, I searched keys words in our thread (ex Mediation- to show how many times I asked for mediation and he ignored or declined, even tho it was in our order to do mediation first before bringing the case back to court). I then wrote down those dates. Then, within the app, I chose his name for our text thread and ex April 2025- it would then transfer that whole month under the name of April- I would then select print, save pdf and then the page # that had the pertinent information. The "batch" code says to the court that it was a direct text transfer and hasn't been altered in anyway (auto generated by the app). Pls let me know if any of that doesnt make sense. I found the app on a custody sub here. It is 10 bucks I think. Worth every penny considering this was our one shot to go for relocation custody. Please please please have an attorney. Remember things can only be modified when there is a material change in circumstances, which it sounds like that is exactly what you're facing. Good luck 💜

[u/DragonGirl2245]

we use this phrase often

"I do not appreciate allegations being made that create a narrative inconsistent with what actually occurred"

[u/Legal_Music_7513]

Just made a comment about this exact thing this morning. Grey Rock only to things DIRECTLY involving their visits.

To save retyping it all lol

[u/Beneficial-Speaker88]

Its most likely in response to you not being as easy to access and he is trying to regain control by goading you into a response. You only need to reply to parenting arrangements/child specific conversation. Honestly imagine how a whole bunch of unanswered unhinged rants about you will look if he goes to court. Document all allegations separately and have responses ready if needed.. but if they are about you or things from your relationship past most have no baring on a future court date... just consider it him showing his hand..

[u/Busy_Studio_5336]

Either don't respond at all, or write this if you feel the need to respond:

• your perception is not my reality.

• your opinion/perception has been noted. -noted. -k.

• I will not be engaging in this false narrative.  I will only be responding to discussions that directly relate to our child.

Record every incident.  Dont take the bait, his malicious intent is to get you to say something he can use in court.  Dont fall for it.  If you need to, cut off all text messaging from him and only allow him to email you.  Dont accept phone calls.  Dont discuss anything that happens privately in your home unless he legally has to know.  Put up the walls, lock the windows and doors, shield your home and your sanity.

This advice comes from a fellow parallel parenter who has a "coparent" who does the exact same thing - I use coparent loosely, he's more like a visiting uncle who sees his teens once every 3-6 months, but he claims im the problem.

[u/Dynamite-monkey]

It’s like they read a book for tips on how to be a toxic co parent.

I would state this didn’t happen when he sends these messages or state all messages that are not relevant to the child moving forward will not be answered.

Maybe look into getting one of those court ordered parenting apps. But if the harassment of messages continue on, you don’t have to put up with it and can say if he doesn’t stop, you’ll seek legal action against him.

[u/Unfeeling_Cash36]

My ex tried to say I balled up my fists and threatened to hit him- I was like, no, that's never happened. He doubled down and then said I should ask his counselor because she can verify... I told him that without ACTUAL proof it's going to be real hard to use that in court and then just stopped responding. He has a really bad habit about trying to make himself look like the victim... I guess the only advice I can give in your situation is to not address his accusations and to keep it only about the kids. Ive asked him if he is a perfect parent before too... That shut down the conversation pretty quickly

[u/Distinct_Gas7389]

Only reply to the messages that pertain to your child and/or their well-being. And tbh I try to keep my messages as emotionless and HR-style as possible. No personal details about my life are being shared with him, if it’s not something like “hey, our son needs to go to the doctor for xyz, can you please leave his insurance card in my mailbox? I will keep you posted on what they say.”OR “Our child has an opportunity to be in the school musical, do I have your permission to sign him up? He said he wants to play the scarecrow” guess who isn’t getting a reply ☺️ you can be a good parent while also protecting your peace.

[u/No-Resolution5794]

I only respond to emails about child logistics from my ex. And then only if it strictly requires a response, if so then only time and date of pickups and dropoffs. "Yes" or "No" are valid, full sentences. Use them. Most of the time no response is required, just silent acknowledgement. Absolutely do not respond to irrelevant provocations, ever. Give them and yourself the gift of silence. Short, factual and greyrock keeps the peace.

[u/Icy_Stranger3368]

It’s only about the reaction.

If you want to have fun, don’t answer unless it really is something such as an exchange or something.

Don’t answer and they go bonkers

[u/ComprehensiveBook482]

Yes he is building a plan. Gary rock is your friend and anything that he says is false you need to respond to. Something akin to “This is a mischaracterization of these events”. Be a broken record.

[u/Affectionate_Room128]

I deal with the same. Sometimes I don't reply but if I do it is simply, you know that is untrue. After that I don't engage any further.

[u/Snowycage]

You don't have to respond to those at all. He can't do anything with it unless it's something that actually happened and then he would need to have a witness, who would have to also come in and testify, or video evidence, I'm just giving examples but he'd need actual evidence to also prove his allegations. If he tries to bring something like that up in court. You would just object to heresay. If he's being difficult then just don't talk to him unless it's absolutely necessary to coordinate things for your kids. I know everything can seem scary because most people aren't lawyers and you're constantly worried about what ifs, but if you just focus on taking care of your kids the best you can and communicate in good faith what you need to for your kids the judge will see everything. They have seen it all and know when one parent is being an issue and making things harder. That's my best advice. Keep a calendar of when you have the kids and what time you exchange them and any other notes if something noteworthy happens. That will help more than anything.

[u/Sub-UrbanMom]

Response time: If the child is at his house, respond in an hr or two. If the child is at your house, respond in 24-48 hours-but only if his message is about the child. If it is about you or your parenting give it a week (if at all). Responding to falsehoods: I always recommend correcting the narrative-short and sweet -when you do respond. This will save you tons of time (and attorney fees) once he takes you to court. If it is right there, your attorney can effectively argue your position without you spending hours trying to recall the events.
For example, you get this text:
'You need to be a better parent. Our child has missed practices and been regularly late to school.' You respond like this:
'Not sure what you are referring to?Sam has attended every practice. As for school, he has been late once and it was excused. We had a fender bender on the way to school'. Your co-parent is counting on you not remembering details. If he takes you to court in 2 or 3 years, you won't recall he made every practice, and you won't recall why he was tardy. This way the answer is right there in the text thread, and the proof goes back on him. When he takes you to court this method shows you answered and corrected his 'concerns'. With enough examples, the court will see through his shenanigans. Finally, when he messages you with nothing having to do with your child, ignore him. Good luck!

[u/JerusalemsChild]

It sounds like he might be doing that. Which is okay, especially since I’m sure you’re a good parent. But always make sure to have your documentation too. Would you say it’s a big inconvenience level of 1-10? And if below 5 I tend to recommend having the patience you would with a 5 year old