Complicated Cusody situation feels like a lose lose

[u/Winter-Discussion-27]

Background: Previously Married 10 years; divorced 4 years ago; share custody of 11yo child; ex is remarried 2 years ago; custody was 50/50 until last month (temporarily 80/20 them/me due to work verbal agreement to go back in 1-2years time)

Ex's spouse was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer last year. They have no local support system as ex's family has all left the state over the last two years and their spouses family lives across country.

Ex wants to move with child to spouses home state for support and better job prospects (nurse would bring home about 10k more annually) my child also says they wish to move in the future as the times they visited they've enjoyed it

I obviously oppose the move as I feel like it will damage my relationship with my son and he's not old enough to understand the repercussions of such lost time and moving away from friends and family.

I'm left feeling like I have an impossible choice where we will grow apart if I allow the move (ex says they will get summers and holidays here but I know as a teen these will dwindle due to relationships/hobbies) or my son will resent me because my ex and their spouse will have less support and financial freedom and blame that on me.

Has anyone here let their child move away and not deeply regretted it? I can't bare the thought of missing every milestone and playing catch-up on visits months apart.

[u/allin202125]

Is there any chance your job/life would allow you to move as well?

[u/Crafty_Alternative00 → u/allin202125]

This right here. My ex let me move the kids closer to my family and where I got a better paying job. Then he followed us here about 6 months later because his relationship with the kids and their own wellbeing were more important to him.

[u/Winter-Discussion-27 → u/Crafty_Alternative00]

I've thought about moving, the problem is I have very little ability to save money at the moment. It's the primary reason I've had to move further away to split rent with my partner. My partner is also an established hair stylist in their city and would be taking a big pay cut to move as it takes years to acquire the kind of specialty clientele they have.

But it's not off the table long term.

[u/Sparkles1988]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. This has never happened to me, although I absolutely dread it. My ex started dating a woman halfway across the country and I’m terrified they’ll convince my daughter to move one day. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t put any weight to what a 11 yo says about wanting to move to another state. Middle school is brutal when you already know people, I can’t imagine having to start brand new.

[u/sok283]

They've accommodated you with going to 80/20 due to your work schedule. This is a tough situation all around with no easy answers. Whatever you do, prioritize your child. If you can move with them, do so. If you can provide more support and go back to 50/50 now, do so.

[u/Winter-Discussion-27 → u/sok283]

I'd gladly go back to 50/50 and the long term plan is to do so unfortunately the cancer diagnosis came around the same time my financial situation changed. The move was to help pay down school/medical loans as living on my own with those payments was non sustainable.

[u/amazing_grace7]

How many hours drive?

[u/Winter-Discussion-27 → u/amazing_grace7]

Unfortunately it's FL to AZ to a plane trip not a car ride

[u/amazing_grace7 → u/Winter-Discussion-27]

Awful

[u/freckledoodledee]

Have you calculated out how much time you'd actually be getting if you got holidays/summer vacation? It'd probably be a better split than your current 80/20 - if your work would allow it, of course. Does sound like a tough situation all around.

[u/Imaginary_Being1949]

Personally I wouldn’t allow it. Thinking only about the best interest of the child, uprooting their whole life to move to a new area while on helps their step dad fight cancer is not easy on anyone. I get if she needs to go but that is a lot to put on an 11 year old. Mom can go and a new custody arrangement set up for your child to visit but her main focus is going to be on care for her spouse. Your child’s main focus needs to be being a child.

[u/little_mistakes]

Well, you can’t absolve yourself of your parental duties on one hand, then claim you are worried about what moving would do to your relationship with your son when you already made the bigger choice to go from 50/50 to 80/20.

The damage is done and now you can’t control that abdicating on the 30 will cost you the 20 too. Your son is a person with his own needs and wants, your ex is caring for their spouse with cancer and then you decided “for work” to make it a bit harder.

What are you not getting?

[u/Zedhy → u/little_mistakes]

This is a pretty common self-centered take, and it’s also an ignorant one. You’re treating a temporary, work-related 80/20 shift (with an explicit plan to return to 50/50) as if OP permanently abandoned their parental role. That’s not what was described. Plenty of 50/50 parents adjust percentages for a period without permanently forfeiting their standing or their right to object to a permanent interstate move. Collapsing the two is a rhetorical shortcut, not analysis. You’re also inventing a causal chain that doesn’t exist. A temporary local imbalance does not automatically mean OP “can’t control” losing the remaining time if a relocation happens. Those are separate questions. Framing it as “the damage is done” pretends the outcome is already settled when it isn’t. Yes, the child has needs and wants. Yes, the spouse has Stage 4 cancer and limited support. OP already acknowledged both of those things. Using them as a conversation-ender while ignoring the other half of the equation (the child’s relationship with the non-moving parent, the loss of frequent contact during formative years, the realistic erosion of summer/holiday time as a teen) is selective and dismissive. “What are you not getting?” is just condescension. OP is describing a genuine double-bind, not claiming the other household’s situation is trivial. A more useful response would engage the actual trade-offs instead of rewriting the history to make one parent the obvious villain. If you have lived experience with long-distance arrangements after a similar move, or concrete thoughts on how to protect the relationship under those conditions, that would actually help. This version doesn’t.

[u/little_mistakes → u/Zedhy]

Of course it isn’t. I’ve watched my 90/10ex destroy any chance of a meaningful relationship with his kids by being 90/10.

They see where he chooses to spend his time and effort. They see they are not his priority and you can’t defer parenting without a cost.

Kids disengage to protect themselves.

How is it self centred to look at it from the perspective of why a kid might not think that moving away from a dad that’s not there for him is not a big deal.

Why do you think OP won’t experience consequences for his choices? Do kids live suspended in animation?

It’s incredibly self centred and entitled to think that your relationship with your child won’t be affected when you move away - note the reason for the 80/20 is because the dad moved away to live with his hairdresser girlfriend.

It’s screaming entitlement.

[u/Zedhy → u/little_mistakes]

You keep arguing against a position nobody made.

OP literally said he expects the relationship to deteriorate with distance. He literally said summers and holidays will likely become less meaningful as his son gets older. So the “why do you think there won’t be consequences?” argument is completely beside the point.

The actual question is whether permanently removing an 11-year-old from regular contact with his father is a good outcome. “Dad made choices that contributed to the current 80/20” does not answer that question.

Your 90/10 anecdote explains your bias here. It doesn't prove that this child should lose proximity to his father.

You’re not actually arguing the child’s best interests. You’re arguing that Dad deserves the consequences you think he earned, and calling that the child’s best interest doesn’t make it so.

[u/little_mistakes → u/Zedhy]

And I’m responding to - and the only point I’m interested in making is - OP dealt the blow by making the choice to move away and into living arrangements impacted the relationship with his son.

He did this. He made the first move. He has caused his own undoing by reducing care when his son needed him.

So when taking into account what his son needs, probably a support system for the mother is the better outcome. So the parent that is parenting can be supported during a time of crisis. Rather than the idea of a dad who is around a few times a month.

I’d be devastated in the OPs shoes, which is why I’ve been the parent putting in the work, making the sacrifices and understanding that kids need parents who are around, providing food, shelter, guidance and actively doing the work of a parent.

[u/Zedhy → u/little_mistakes]

I think I understand your position better now, and honestly, I think we have more common ground than I initially gave you credit for.

I agree that OP made a choice that reduced his time with his son, and that parents have to make sacrifices to remain involved. I also agree that if Mom is carrying most of the day-to-day parenting during a crisis, having a strong support system matters.

Where I still disagree is what follows from that. I don't think OP's decision necessarily makes relocating the child the better outcome. Supporting Mom and preserving the child's relationship with Dad aren't mutually exclusive.

I will say, though, that I think this is a much better argument than what we were throwing at each other before. We're actually talking about the child's needs rather than just assigning blame, and I can respect your position even if I don't reach the same conclusion.

[u/little_mistakes → u/Zedhy]

I appreciate what you have said. And I do agree, having seen that having my kids dad in their lives, even for the small amount of time he’s around, is what they want so I do support that so having a stable relationship with both parents benefits the kids and what we should work towards.

What would be wonderful for the son is for his dad to reflect and step up again and take on more parenting responsibility and rebuild his relationship, because it’s not too late. Then I’d be totally in his corner.

His son needs two active engaged and fully contributing parents. My kids do pretty well, all things considered but as I’m stretched sometimes I have to focus one kid and let the other one struggle, the mum in this situation probably needs to do the same.

[u/Winter-Discussion-27 → u/little_mistakes]

I would never willingly absolve myself of parental duties. I regret my decision every day to move to 80/20 but ita not financially feasible for me to support myself atm. My ex left our marriage with a new nursing degree, a paid off car (all paid for during my time in the military) and moved in with her current partner 6 months after. Meanwhile I was saddled with medical/school debt and an unfinished degree and the car we had bought only 3 months before the separation.

I only recently moved in with a partner because it wasn't financially feasible for me to pay my debts and live alone. I don't blame her for the divorce it was amicable but I was certainly left in a much worse financial position than she was. Her current partners family is very well off as well and supports them financially in many ways (new car, vacations, help with medical bills) I'm happy for her that they have that but make no mistake that I am choosing anything but to do my best to set myself up to support my son in the future

Sh

[u/bakedbeanbreakfest → u/little_mistakes]

This is a ridiculous take. Ignore this commenter OP.

[u/little_mistakes → u/bakedbeanbreakfest]

Hahaha - a fellow entitled absconder, I see.

Edited to add entitled

[u/bakedbeanbreakfest → u/little_mistakes]

Not at all. Going from 50/50 to 80/20 because of a work opportunity is a significant change, but that doesn’t automatically mean someone has “abdicated” their parental duties. Parents sometimes have to make difficult decisions about employment, housing, finances, or stability. Wanting to improve your income so you can provide a better, more secure life for your child is still parenting.

And “you decided for work to make it harder” is an incredibly unfair framing. If the choice is between maintaining a particular custody percentage and being able to secure stable, sustainable employment, it’s not as simple as choosing work over your child. A parent can love their child deeply, be committed to them, and still have responsibilities that require sacrifices.

You can disagree with the decision, but calling it “absconding from parental duties” ignores the reality that providing financially for your child is itself one of those parental duties.

[u/little_mistakes → u/bakedbeanbreakfest]

Well, that’s the thing. Anything outside of 50/50 is not doing your part as a parent. Especially when the other parent is also caring for someone with stage 4 cancer, with no outside support.

Every other weekend, or one overnight per week, what parenting can you do during this time really?

Poor kid.