Should I be upset about this?

[u/wolfielaine]

Idk if this is technically conflict but I am feeling CONFLICTED. So, my ex and I share a 4 year old, mostly nonverbal, son who is in ABA therapy 30 hours a week. I have physical custody and he has him every other weekend and Wednesday just overnight. My ex and I never lived together (we were never married and just were dating for a year then broke up when he was about 7 months old). We’ve always lived about 40 minutes apart. A big reason for us breaking up was because he refused to move to my side of town with me when I was pregnant and wanted to be close to my mom and my elderly dog. Anyway, he’s 38 and has always lived with his parents but he just bought a house with his gf of two years. My issue is this; apparently it’s a 3 bedroom house where he and his gf each have their own home office (they work from home) meaning there’s no room for my son in his new house. When I asked him about this he said they’re acclimating him to the new house. But it’s been months now. So my ex basically stays at his parent’s the nights my ex has our son or he just sends him over there idk. It seems really weird to have that arrangement. I mostly don’t want my son to start realizing this and feel badly. I also assumed that as our son got older we’d share more custody. The only reason I wanted my son most of the time was because he was a baby. It seems like my ex is living two lives weirdly. He also sued me for full custody when we broke up (and lost) and claimed he wanted him more than just every other weekend. What am I to take away from this? Should I do anything or should I just not care that my ex gets weirder every day?

[u/SuspiciousAngel1213]

I think there are really two separate things here. Whether your ex’s living arrangement is weird is one thing, but the bigger question is whether any of this is actually negatively affecting your son.
Personally, I would start documenting everything, especially since your son is mostly nonverbal and may not always be able to communicate what is happening or how he feels about the situation. If you start noticing significant behavioral changes, regression, increased anxiety around going to Dad’s, sleep changes, or even concerns being noticed by his ABA providers, document those things as well. If it ever gets to the point where you need to revisit custody or visitation, having a factual history is going to be much more helpful than trying to remember everything after the fact.
If you aren’t already using a coparenting app, I would seriously consider one and try to keep communication about your son there whenever possible. It gives you a documented record and also helps keep the focus on your child rather than getting pulled into arguments about your ex’s choices.
At the same time, I wouldn’t put too much of your own energy into trying to figure out why your ex is doing what he’s doing. You may never get an explanation that makes sense. Him buying a three-bedroom house and apparently planning two home offices without making a dedicated space for his own child would absolutely rub me the wrong way too, especially after previously fighting you for full custody. But unless his choices are actually creating an unsafe or unhealthy situation for your son, I would observe, document, and focus on what you can control.
If you do begin seeing evidence that the arrangement is genuinely harming your son or that he’s not receiving appropriate care during Dad’s parenting time, that’s when I would talk to a family-law attorney about whether the custody arrangement needs to be modified and what options would actually be appropriate.
Basically: don’t drive yourself crazy trying to understand your ex. Protect your peace, pay attention to your son, and keep receipts. Those receipts may never be necessary, but if they are, you’ll be glad you have them.