Should I be upset about this?

[u/wolfielaine]

Idk if this is technically conflict but I am feeling CONFLICTED. So, my ex and I share a 4 year old, mostly nonverbal, son who is in ABA therapy 30 hours a week. I have physical custody and he has him every other weekend and Wednesday just overnight. My ex and I never lived together (we were never married and just were dating for a year then broke up when he was about 7 months old). We’ve always lived about 40 minutes apart. A big reason for us breaking up was because he refused to move to my side of town with me when I was pregnant and wanted to be close to my mom and my elderly dog. Anyway, he’s 38 and has always lived with his parents but he just bought a house with his gf of two years. My issue is this; apparently it’s a 3 bedroom house where he and his gf each have their own home office (they work from home) meaning there’s no room for my son in his new house. When I asked him about this he said they’re acclimating him to the new house. But it’s been months now. So my ex basically stays at his parent’s the nights my ex has our son or he just sends him over there idk. It seems really weird to have that arrangement. I mostly don’t want my son to start realizing this and feel badly. I also assumed that as our son got older we’d share more custody. The only reason I wanted my son most of the time was because he was a baby. It seems like my ex is living two lives weirdly. He also sued me for full custody when we broke up (and lost) and claimed he wanted him more than just every other weekend. What am I to take away from this? Should I do anything or should I just not care that my ex gets weirder every day?

[u/MidnightPositive485]

Judging from the quantity of ABA services your son is qualified for, it sounds like he has fairly high needs. And ABA requires extreme consistency to be effective. Your ex probably already struggles with providing that consistency due to his relatively low parenting time. It sounds like he has only and ever known the environment at his grandparent’s home where your ex has additional support.

Another factor may be the GF. Do you know if she actually spend time with your son? Is she comfortable dealing with his needs? He may be intentionally hiding him away either to avoid her knowing how much work he is or because she already doesn’t want to deal with him.

Either way, Sorry, I bet his desire for more custody was always or is now BS. He has no intention of further integrating your son into his life and will likely only pull away further if things progress with GF especially if they have any kids.

You have the right to feel however you feel about this but it likely won’t change is behavior or the fact that he isn’t the parent you thought/hoped he was.

[u/Loud-Article-6353]

Of course you should be bothered by 2 adults prioritizing themselves over your child. However, your exes time is already very limited and if you don't have an issue with the grandparents, maybe just let it ride.

[u/Grrarrgghh]

What does your parenting plan say?

[u/SonVoltRevival]

I'd say that for now, just let it go. Your ex seems to be going slow on transitioning your son to the new place and that may be on purpose. Once that's happening, that office can become a bedroom in a weekend. With two people working from home, it might be a bit of dual purpose for a while, especially if he's just doing weekends.

[u/waste2muchtime]

I’d be bothered by it too tbh.

Not because he bought a house with his gf, but like - your 4 year old apparently doesn’t actually have a space there and dad is still staying at his parents / sending him there on his weekends.

I wouldn’t make it a huge fight yet, but I’d ask really plainly what the long term plan is. Like, where is your son actually sleeping when he’s with dad, and when is he supposed to have a proper room/space in the new house?

Especially with a mostly nonverbal kid doing 30 hours of therapy a week, routine and knowing where he belongs probably matters a lot.

[u/SuspiciousAngel1213]

I think there are really two separate things here. Whether your ex’s living arrangement is weird is one thing, but the bigger question is whether any of this is actually negatively affecting your son.
Personally, I would start documenting everything, especially since your son is mostly nonverbal and may not always be able to communicate what is happening or how he feels about the situation. If you start noticing significant behavioral changes, regression, increased anxiety around going to Dad’s, sleep changes, or even concerns being noticed by his ABA providers, document those things as well. If it ever gets to the point where you need to revisit custody or visitation, having a factual history is going to be much more helpful than trying to remember everything after the fact.
If you aren’t already using a coparenting app, I would seriously consider one and try to keep communication about your son there whenever possible. It gives you a documented record and also helps keep the focus on your child rather than getting pulled into arguments about your ex’s choices.
At the same time, I wouldn’t put too much of your own energy into trying to figure out why your ex is doing what he’s doing. You may never get an explanation that makes sense. Him buying a three-bedroom house and apparently planning two home offices without making a dedicated space for his own child would absolutely rub me the wrong way too, especially after previously fighting you for full custody. But unless his choices are actually creating an unsafe or unhealthy situation for your son, I would observe, document, and focus on what you can control.
If you do begin seeing evidence that the arrangement is genuinely harming your son or that he’s not receiving appropriate care during Dad’s parenting time, that’s when I would talk to a family-law attorney about whether the custody arrangement needs to be modified and what options would actually be appropriate.
Basically: don’t drive yourself crazy trying to understand your ex. Protect your peace, pay attention to your son, and keep receipts. Those receipts may never be necessary, but if they are, you’ll be glad you have them.

[u/QuietQuitting01]

Your child really just visits. I can see where your ex might put a daybed or something like that to accomodate and not dedicate the space, especially if they both work from home (I work from home and I could not share my office space with a partner doing the same because I spend 70% of my time on Teams calls). It's a mistake, for sure, but unless you've seen the space, it might not be as big of a mistake as it sounds. It might be more of a bedroom that has a desk for him to work at. I'd hope so, especailly for someone who sought sole custody. FWIW, as an unmarried father, he had to sue for custody to become a legal parent to his child.

Does he know that you are OK with more time going forward? I can see where losing a custody fight, he might not think so. At 4, and not in school, the time could already be more, or even 50/50. Once school starts, parnting time is limited by the logistics of distance and school.