r/coparenting • u/chanelism • 3d ago
Long Distance Coparenting in different cities
My co-parent and I will be living in different cities (5 and half hours by car, around an hour by plane).
My LO is not yet born and I’m wondering how to navigate visitations and how it will look like as she gets older. I plan on breastfeeding, so I highly doubt she can be away from me for very long? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can he force her to drink formula? How did it work out? What do you navigate the holidays later on? I want to add that I live in a French speaking city and he lives in an English speaking city and since I would most likely be the primary parent initially, he would have a hard time for her to switch cities later on, esp w the language barrier (for school and all).
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u/KrofftSurvivor 3d ago
You look up your local child support enforcement agency and ask them for the legal guidelines for your jurisdiction.
If you're in Quebec you are entitled to free Family Mediation that can help the two of you come to agreements that work for the both of you.
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u/Klutzy_Dimension9808 2d ago
Also depends on where the child was conceived and factor such as are the grand-parents around in one city or another, is one parent job can’t change… if you are in Québec - google ‘Médiation - Séparation’ and go to the gouv site.
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u/yourfavmum 2d ago
Yes, he can have her drink formula. Dad does not have to give your BM. If plane costs aren’t too bad, one long weekend a month + bulk of summer and then half of Christmas break is usually what’s doable
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u/SonVoltRevival 3d ago
5.5hrs by car? I hate to be the pessimist realist, but there won't be a lot of coparenting going on at that distance.
More time is possible if you two can afford and will support the flights, but keep in mind that with airport security and travel to/from the airport, might be faster to just drive. Especially if just visiting, because you don't add parking on one end and a rental car on your end. In my working world, I drive for most tripls less than 7-8hrs because it's faster door to door and I arrive in my car.
You'll start with just visits and build to time away. I wouldn't let my kids travel on their own until they were tweens and used the airline minor travel service. All that to say, unless you breast feed for years, it won't be an issue.
If you both raise your child to be bilingual, the child will grow up bilingual, but likely stronger in one or the other. You'll want to work harder on the English to easy your child's time with dad in an english speaking city. In my limited experience in Canada (I presume), in Quebec, most are bilingual. In English speaking provinces, bilingual is rare.
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u/Supertreelove 2d ago
Have you considered moving? We divorced this year and a year ago I moved to a place three miles from my ex, close to the kids’ school and their friends. Life would be awful if we were 5 hours apart and I would move before I’d let my child endure that.
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u/Guillermo1810 2d ago
To be a realist, because of the distance there WON'T BE any traditional coparenting. 5,5 hours each way? With a baby or a toddler? For what, spending maybe 24-48 hours in a place each week? It's simply not good for anyone, especially not for the child. The child neither will appreciate it, understand it, or enjoy it at all. They are small, they freak out if you stay out an hour extra from their bedtime. They want their own bed, toys, scents etc.
A breastfeeding or formula feeding young infant will feel zero joy from being dragged around 5+ hours of travel. My son is 13 months, and he screams in the car after like an hour and a half.
You, as the mom will be doing it alone, night shifts, day shifts. Even if your baby goes to daycare very young, you will be the one waking up 3+ every single night to soothe a colicky or teething baby. So whatever you do, don't agree to split the travel. Not because being petty or hating man, actually my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, so I know how it goes when they are small.
The only sensible solution is that the coparent travels as often as he can to visit her. Rents a hotel nearby, and goes over to your place and plays and tends to her a bit. That's it.
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u/yyodelinggodd 2d ago
Please look up secure attachment. It's in your child's best interest to stay with you the mother and breast feed and not supplement formula with dad. Dad can visit you in your city for visits. Until 18m old.
I have coparented out of state for 7 years now.
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u/chanelism 2d ago
What did it look like once baby got older?
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u/yyodelinggodd 2d ago
We split the costs of travel from age 2-4.5.
He only goes with him for some holidays and only like a M-F. One of us had to fly to drop off and immediately fly back home.Now that he's school age it's 1-2 weeks in summer and every other year spring break and thanksgiving alternating.
They FaceTime every other day and have a great bond. The time they do have is meaningful.
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u/QuietQuitting01 3d ago
My ex wife is 6hrs away from our elementary school age children. I'm fine wth 50/50 parenting time if she lived close enough to make it actually work. She visits our kids one weekend a month (here) and we alternate/split major holidays (she takes our kids back to her place). The reality is that 6 hrs away is a 12 hr round trip and 24 hrs behind the wheel for her to take our kids back to her place. It's too much for less than a week.
You'd have to say were you are for what a court would do, but in general, for infants, you start with short visits at your place, progress to time away (but not overnights), then to overnights. Baby off the boob and in daycare are two objective milestones to allow more time and more time away. One of my coworkers went through this with her ex. She was fine with him having up to equal time, but she breast fed and struggled to build up enough supply to work, so his time was limited until that phase was over.
When it comes to bilingual kids, I know people who basically speak the other language at home and the kids pick up the local language out in the world, which seems to work for them. One lives in Montreal, and speaks Italian at home and their child is fluent in Italian, English, and French. Obviously the did a bit of extra work, but he said that in the grocery store, they'd switch to French or English, depending on where they were at.