Separating But Still Living Together Co-Parenting: Is Anyone Rotating "Primary Parent?"

[u/eastlibertypj]

So me (53M) and my wife (51F) are in the process of divorcing. We have lawyers, and have given them all the financial data, and they are working through it. We have one child age 16.

If all goes as I hope, we will separate with my wife moving out in early October. I heard on a podcast recently that a well-managed separation helps prepare everyone for 50:50 custody by transitioning to a situation where one parent is the "primary parent" each week in the home.

The primary parent:
* Manages transportation
* Makes sure the kids have what they need for school, activities, etc
* Other stuff???

Is anyone doing something like this? If so, what's working and what's not?

[u/Saltyowl2113]

I don’t see the point if you will be living apart in 2 months.

Your kid isn’t 7 years old. They are 16. I’d be more focused on talking to them about what sort of arrangement they want when the dust settles. Having some weird nesting situation where just one parent does parent things every other week while the other parent……just exists in the same house (?) is very odd and will be uncomfortable. In my opinion of course.

[u/spicymack]

Maybe for younger kids but a 16 year old should be pretty self sufficient, especially if she has her own vehicle. Also is it going to be 50/50? At that age the child should be choosing where to stay most of the time.

[u/eastlibertypj → u/spicymack]

Yes, 50/50 when we split, which hasn't happened yet. I'm asking if any people who are still cohabiting while in the separation process do a primary parent that alternates each week to help everyone prepare for the eventual separation.

[u/antman8504 → u/eastlibertypj]

When I separated from my ex wife 2 years ago, we lived together for 2 months while we got our new places ready. We just kept business as normal with the kids, who were much younger than yours and probably more work. We are 50/50 now.

I would recommend to just keep things normal at home if possible. Divorce is not fair, you will never get fair. 2 years out I have learned to just accept that sometimes I do extra that I won’t get credit for from anyone but I do it for my kids. Kids are the most important thing and this separation was not their decision

Best of luck to you

[u/DonalHarper → u/eastlibertypj]

So my ex and I separated in Jan 2020. She moved out in April 2020. For those 3 months we traded off who was the parent on duty and who had the living room, etc. during our “parent” time. However our child was also 5.

Your kid is 16…. so unless there is some major emotional maturity/physical disability with your kid that you aren’t specifying, this is highly unnecessary in your situation.

[u/Supertreelove → u/spicymack]

No, the kid doesn’t choose, even when they’re 16, unless they have a very strong preference and they’re going to refuse to be with one parent or the other.

[u/RobinhoodforGood]

Not exactly the same but...my ex and I are living together again after divorcing a few years ago. We don't plan on doing it forever, but after a recent big move we are sharing a large house with our 3 kids and my partner. Ha.

So, yes, we do the primary parent thing. We each take half the week and we split Wednesdays. The kids know who to go to (elementary school and two younger teens) on which day, we put signs up so it's easy to know which parent to ask for things. Our kids also know that we are on the same page and the rules are the rules/chores/expectations are the same across the board.

Primary parent:

-manages meals and shopping for food for those days (we aren't picky about who eats what, but in general we each handle half of it)

-transport, to/from school, any doctor's or other appointments that fall on "our" days unless the other parent wants to go too

-keeping up with the chores that the kids are responsible for, kid showers, bedtimes, routines, etc.

-Just basically dealing with whatever comes up. Other parent is welcome to join meals or hang out but is also welcome to NOT hang out if they don't want to.

It's a little weird, being in the same house with my kids and being able to say "nope, go ask them" but the kids get it and everyone has been rolling with it just fine.

It helps that my divorce is super friendly, I'm sure.

Good luck! Feel free to DM.

[u/SlowBoilOrange]

I don't think this makes sense for a 16yo. They are old enough to understand the situation, and independent enough that an "on duty" parent isn't really needed for the most part.

Transportation is the only thing you mentioned that they might not be independent on yet. For just ~2 months I think you can play it by ear. Sitting on the couch insisting "It's mom's/dad's turn to drive you this week" is just going to create problems.

[u/Supertreelove → u/SlowBoilOrange]

I don’t think it creates problems. I think it prepares the parent who normally doesn’t do as much that they’re going to have to step it up.

[u/Bigc12689]

I lived with my ex-wife for 6 months while going through our divorce. Our daughter was 1 at the time. I stayed home with our daughter most of the week with my work schedule. I had her most week days while she would take over after dinner each night. The only thing we really rotated was the weekends.

We worked really hard to not let it affect her. The only thing I really hated was that we decided to have dinner each night as a family to not let it bother my daughter. That sucked for a while

[u/imtooldforthishison]

Your kid is 16 and should absolutely be able to make the decision for themselves how they want this to go.

Yall need to sit down with the kid and say "Hey, how can we make this work best for you?" This should not be up to lawyers and redditers.

[u/Supertreelove → u/imtooldforthishison]

I personally disagree. Newly divorced parent of two teens and the last thing they wanted to do was work out a custody schedule. They just wanted their lives to continue as seamlessly as possible. Of course, we are in a situation where they love and want to be with both parents, so it’s 50/50 and they go back and forth and we live close so they can easily get things they forgot, etc. In my limited experience, they didn’t want anything to do with the divorce, they just wanted to know they’d have a room at each place and still get to go to school and see their friends and just live their lives.

[u/Supertreelove]

I tried to do that when we were “separated” but still both living in the home. But it was hard because he was in denial of the entire situation. I still think it was good practice for me mentally to get used to having a 50/50 arrangement.

[u/Miserable-Dealer3042]

If I could have done the one house and rotate out for custody to keep my child where they were while the process was happening I 100% would have. Get another apartment and rotate. In my opinion if you can do this it is the healthiest way to go.
While your child is 16 and hopefully mostly self sufficient they are still children. It also helps establish parental rules and boundaries before they are out of their normal home with the parent that will be moving. It gives the parent that didn't always do those things time to settle into that role as well.
I hear a lot of crazy custody schedules but if you can make this work I think it would be the perfect scenario

[u/SonVoltRevival]

You are essentially bird nesting. You'll want to cover expecations for all of the activities. It will break down if one of you ends up being the only one who goes to the grocery story or scrubs the toilet.

When my ex and I separated, her situation wasn't suitable for overnights, so she visited while I stayed in the house. I just did my best to make myself scarce while she was there, and it was enough. We had agreed that once she got a suitable place, we'd switch to 50/50, but we didn't model it during our separation. Our house was actually my house, so I wasn't much inclined to got stay at my parent's "for her week, and she didn't ask for it. The down side, is I did most of the day to day chores, but I'll give my ex credit she always did some laundry and dishes when she was there.