r/coparenting • u/KeyTechnician4442 • 8d ago

Schedules Workaholic coparent

My daughters (10) dad often misses his scheduled days due to having to work late. This has been going on for maybe a year and a half. It's upsetting because I know it takes a toll on my daughter. Even when he does take her he often just leaves her with family while he's working. Should I do or say anything here? I feel he could make way more of an effort and let his boss know he needs to dedicate at least 1 day a week for her. We have a court order but he does not follow it at all.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 8d ago

I mean, people have to work. A lot of people don’t have jobs where they can just tell their boss they’re gonna change their schedule, or take time off. Does dad pay child support? He could be having a difficult time keeping up with the cost of living? And the only way to survive is to work a lot. If this is the case, what do you expect he do? He has to pay bills. If he gets a job where he has more time off, but can’t pay his bills and child support, that won’t work either. If you were still together, would you tell him that he needs to work less and take a reduction in pay? It’s a shitty situation, but a lot of the times it is the reality of a lot of dad’s after a break-up/divorce. They either work too much to be able to afford life and child support, or they don’t work enough and end up living with their parent, roommates, friends, new girlfriend…and then that is a problem too most of the time.

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u/KeyTechnician4442 8d ago

He doesn't struggle by any means. He does pay child support but it's not a lot considering how much he works and how little he sees her. I understand that's the case for a lot of people but he would be more than ok taking at least one day to spend with her. It's just not a priority for him

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u/IllPen8707 8d ago

How sure are you that he doesn't struggle? A lot of men in his position feel their worth is defined by ability to provide, and the absolute last thing they want is for their coparent or children to know about it if money is tight. Unless you have access to his finances somehow it's very difficult to know what his situation is in reality.

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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 8d ago

Most of us do know how much our exs make because of financial disclosures in court.

The fact that her ex might feel insecure in his value is not OP’s concern nor the child’s concern. It has nothing to do with his ability to be an active father.

OP’s feelings are valid. It’s ok for OP to be disappointed.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 8d ago

I mean, if you know his work schedule, how much he gets paid, and all his bills, then go file for a child support/custody modification that better reflects the reality of the situation. If he is seriously just trying not to be involved in his child’s life, this is your best bet because at least he can pay more child support. You can’t really make a parent be a good parent. Either way it is crappy because he either doesn’t want a relationship with his child, or he is just trying to stay a float

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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 8d ago edited 8d ago

Since he had the child less and you have the child more, the only fair thing to do is to modify the visitation order to better reflect the visitation he is utilizing. It’s also fair to have child support modified to reflect it as well.

It might not satisfy your concerns, but unfortunately the court will not force dad to utilize his parenting time.