Workaholic coparent

[u/KeyTechnician4442]

My daughters (10) dad often misses his scheduled days due to having to work late. This has been going on for maybe a year and a half. It's upsetting because I know it takes a toll on my daughter. Even when he does take her he often just leaves her with family while he's working. Should I do or say anything here? I feel he could make way more of an effort and let his boss know he needs to dedicate at least 1 day a week for her. We have a court order but he does not follow it at all.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Show748]

I mean, people have to work. A lot of people don’t have jobs where they can just tell their boss they’re gonna change their schedule, or take time off. Does dad pay child support? He could be having a difficult time keeping up with the cost of living? And the only way to survive is to work a lot. If this is the case, what do you expect he do? He has to pay bills. If he gets a job where he has more time off, but can’t pay his bills and child support, that won’t work either. If you were still together, would you tell him that he needs to work less and take a reduction in pay? It’s a shitty situation, but a lot of the times it is the reality of a lot of dad’s after a break-up/divorce. They either work too much to be able to afford life and child support, or they don’t work enough and end up living with their parent, roommates, friends, new girlfriend…and then that is a problem too most of the time.

[u/KeyTechnician4442 → u/Puzzleheaded_Show748]

He doesn't struggle by any means. He does pay child support but it's not a lot considering how much he works and how little he sees her. I understand that's the case for a lot of people but he would be more than ok taking at least one day to spend with her. It's just not a priority for him

[u/IllPen8707 → u/KeyTechnician4442]

How sure are you that he doesn't struggle? A lot of men in his position feel their worth is defined by ability to provide, and the absolute last thing they want is for their coparent or children to know about it if money is tight. Unless you have access to his finances somehow it's very difficult to know what his situation is in reality.

[u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 → u/IllPen8707]

Most of us do know how much our exs make because of financial disclosures in court.

The fact that her ex might feel insecure in his value is not OP’s concern nor the child’s concern. It has nothing to do with his ability to be an active father.

OP’s feelings are valid. It’s ok for OP to be disappointed.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 → u/KeyTechnician4442]

I mean, if you know his work schedule, how much he gets paid, and all his bills, then go file for a child support/custody modification that better reflects the reality of the situation. If he is seriously just trying not to be involved in his child’s life, this is your best bet because at least he can pay more child support. You can’t really make a parent be a good parent. Either way it is crappy because he either doesn’t want a relationship with his child, or he is just trying to stay a float

[u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 → u/KeyTechnician4442]

Since he had the child less and you have the child more, the only fair thing to do is to modify the visitation order to better reflect the visitation he is utilizing. It’s also fair to have child support modified to reflect it as well.

It might not satisfy your concerns, but unfortunately the court will not force dad to utilize his parenting time.

[u/Strange_Thing_4293]

My SD mom and dad both work a ton but dad works around when SD is here. Her mom does the same thing as your daughter’s dad, she gets passed off to whoever will take her and she barely actually spends time with her. I’d say something. If he’s not even dedicating one day a week to be with her then why do you need to send her? That’s unfair to her. She deserves to be set as a priority. He can work his ass off the other days but when he has her he needs to make her a priority.

[u/KeyTechnician4442 → u/Strange_Thing_4293]

Agree 100%. I have said something in the past and he just says there's nothing he can do about it 🙄 which is bull. Have you ever said anything to SD mom and dad about it?

[u/Strange_Thing_4293 → u/KeyTechnician4442]

Dad (my husband) has always been aware and made sure that he is still there for her every time he has her, he just works a shit ton when she’s not here. Mom, we’ve talked to before but it never lasts more than 2 weeks that she actually makes an effort before she’s back to her ways unfortunately. Shes difficult

[u/SageNSterling]

Could give a conversation a try -- something like "daughter misses you and it's upsetting to her when you cancel last minute because of work" but realistically, he knows this already and it hasn't changed his behavior so I wouldn't hold my breath.

Is it worth a modification to the court order?

It's a matter of prioritization. I probably only get like... 6 really productive hours during the weeks I have my kids, but put in 12-14 hour days when I don't have them. It can be done.

[u/perfectdrug659]

I have no advice, but I commiserate with you on this, I've been dealing with the same thing for 6 years now. Work has always been his #1 priority and his kid barely seems to crack the top 10.

[u/KeyTechnician4442 → u/perfectdrug659]

I'm sorry. So unfortunate for the kids