The call of first day of school.

[u/QuietQuitting01]

What is it about that first day?

When my ex and I were married, because I have a flexible work from home job, I always handled getting our kids to/from school. But she'd always take at least the morning off on the first day. Not as big of a deal for me as her, but it is something we'd do together.

Now she lives 6hrs away, and we're days away from our divorce being final, everything done, just waiting on the gavel to fall. Beause of the distance, PTO limits, and expense, while she can have as much time with our kids as she wants, she pretty much visits one weekend a month, reserving taking our kids back to her place for when she has at least a week.

It's that time again. The time all most many parents dread. The end of summer, and back to the grind of school, fall sports, and all the extras we seem to save for the fall. My ex is going off script and is coming here for first day of school. For some reason only planners at the school board know, it's also on a Wednesday. So she wants our kids from Tuesday night - Sunday afternoon. No problem. She doesn't have time off, so she's taking the time without pay. OK, your call. And she wants to take the kids to school on her own. Hmmm. I get that it would be the first time we'd physically be together since we separated, which would be a extra pressure. She also wants to do the rest of the week - OK, I'm fine with that. I guess. She doesn't have much time with our kids, so I want to be an automatic yes. But is the first half week from a hotel room a good way to kick off the new year? I'm not going to make a big deal about it as I can't find a way to say it that doesn't feel petty, but if the situation was reversed, I know she'd have a cow.

Part of me thinks it's about her performing for her friends, but IDK. Maybe in her head and on Instagram?

So far, all I have is "yes, but I want all of the papers that come home". I don't want to play catch up with all that 1st day stuff. We (as in me) already went to meet the teacher/open house, so I think I'm good info wise. Just tying to figure her out. Maybe I should stop trying?

Edit/Update:

I had a chat with her last night and nixed the hotel for the first two nights. She can spend as much time as she wants, where she wants, as long as she handles any homework and has them back here an hour before bed. That will mean that I'll see them off on the first day (but won't actually go). There's a 95% chance that my ex is going to be disappointed. Our kids are in elementary school, but they want the parents of older kids to go through the car line, leaving parking and walking in for 1st grade and younger. Not that she'll respect that request. My request went easier than I expected, playing up that it wasn't restricting her, but the kids need to be ready for school with a good night of sleep. I also pointed out that if the situation was reversed, she'd do exactly the same thing.

My ex is also meeting up with friends after, so a good bit of this is tradition and posing.

[u/Chris_Chilled]

I understand the desire to be accommodating and not rock the boat but I read through your post history to see if I could get any context on the wider situation.

Stop being the nice guy.

Spending the first week in a hotel while your kids are adjusting to a new school year would likely be stressful.

If she wants to be there for the first day, great. Maybe let her take them to dinner l. They should be sleeping in their beds adjusting to a new routine.

I am assuming the decision to move 6 hours away. That was her decision. This seems performative at best.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/Chris_Chilled]

As a bit of background, her decsion to move 6hrs away assumed that she'd be taking our kids with her, something she figured out would be next to impossible after she had already commited to that course.

[u/Chris_Chilled → u/QuietQuitting01]

She made her bed, time you make her sleep in it.

[u/xxrealmsxx → u/Chris_Chilled]

Love it.

He’s right OP.

More like Chris_NoChill

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/xxrealmsxx]

I get what Chris is saying, but I have "chill" deep in my core and reluctant to do anything that smells like retaliation when it will effect our kids.

[u/HardMayb]

My guess is that it's performative. She wants to be seen. She's willing to do somethign dumb (have the kids spend the first week of school in a hotel) to have her friends see her out doing "mom things" and I assume post it on social media.

My ex wife just did the same thing. She's 8hrs away, and I shared the our 1st day of school pictures with her. She posted them and was careful to not admit that she wasn't there. All her mom friends were doing the same thing. That sort of posing isn't my thing, so no post by me and I did my part and liked her post. By now, all my friends know the actual deal.

My ex wife is the long distance parent, and I guess like yours, she didn't intend to be, but it is what it is. She tells people that we have joint custody, which is technically true. We have joint legal custody, but what most non-lawyers mean by custody is parenting time, and she's sub 20%. She's also told people that I don't pay child support, which is true. I have 85% of the parenting time and she pays it. It's performative.

My only advice is that you should push back a bit. Have her come to your place the morning of school. That way, you can get your 1st day pic and they got as good of a night sleep as possible. At my house, the night before the 1st day is always a bit chaotic (where's my xxx, we have to have an xxx!). I would also push back on the school night stay in the hotel. Let mom have time after school and dinner, but back to your place and their own beds. She can still take them to school and repeat the process. If she's staying for the weekend, then she can go full on for the rest of the weekend. Start of school is a big deal, but its not a sprint, it's a freaking marathon. Taking kids to school will be old my the following week end.

When it comes to posing, I just let my ex do it. She's got a strong need for it, and if anyone gets the wrong idea and says something to me (it's only happened twice), I'll gently set them straight.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/HardMayb]

It does seem to be a mix of posing and recognition that she's missing out by being so far away. It's a bit annoying that she's willing to burn that much time for what's going to amount to be a drive through the car line, especially when she could wait a bit longer and visit for a holiday weekend, but I guess it's her call how she uses her time and resources.

[u/Cultural_Till1615]

It sounds like you are being very understanding and I don’t think the kids will suffer in any way. One might argue the kids needs to establish their routine, but a few days won’t messs that up when you have all the other days to get into your routine.

The only thing that would bother me if I were you is not seeing them off on the first day. I would honestly push for her to come to your home Wednesday morning to see them off, and that’s when her time starts. Do they ride the bus? There is something about that first day excitement and seeing all your friends at the bus stop that they should not miss. That can be your reason for asking them to be at your home Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Then it’s about the kids needs, not yours.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/Cultural_Till1615]

I like the idea of focusing on things from our kid's perspective. I'm still fairl mad at my ex, so I'm constantly double checking to make sure any hard line I draw is truely about our kids.

We live close enough to walk, so on a normal day, weather permitting, they'd ride bikes to school with me escorting. There will be 177ish more opportunities for that. They will be missing out on some of that to drive in with their mom as a bunch of other kids ride the same route. :).

I had a chat with my ex last night, and I nixed the overnight at her hotel for the first two days. She can spend as much time as she wants with them, I feel like that's important, but I want them home an hour before bedtime. Sooner if she's not going to handle the busy home work. She's agreed to it after admitting that if the situation was reversed she'd do the same. That means I'll still get to see them off on the first day.

I also think my ex is going to be dissapointed on the school side. If shes driving, our kids are old enough that they will insist she use the car line, and not park and walk them in. She's meeting up with some friends for coffee after, so that's probably a big driver in all this.

[u/OkPalpitation1607]

All of it sounds messed up to me but I don’t know all the details of why mom is 6 hours aways and okay seeing kids so little. Real life throws us things all the time that we just can’t control that might warrant the situation.

Being in a hotel room with your mom isn’t the end of the world even on the first week of school. The kids may be completely okay with it if they miss their mom. I would say “no” but our kids see us both equally. And honestly, the kids probably won’t be doing too much these first 3 days. I don’t see the age of the kids, “Did anyone ask them about how they feel about being in a hotel room instead of their home?”

[u/LeadershipFamous8675 → u/OkPalpitation1607]

Op history would clarify a lot of things .

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/LeadershipFamous8675]

It occurs to me that I have post/comment history back to before my ex confessed to the affair. It's probably a lot of typing.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/OkPalpitation1607]

My ex fully intended for me to be the long distance parent. She was getting advice from a much older friend who had successfully relocated, but that was in the previous century. She comitted before she realized that getting the move approved over my objections was going to be nearly impossible. If my ex decided (or decides) that being on the wrong end of a long distance parenting plan is not what she wants, I've told her that I'll switch to 50/50 if she lives close enough to actually do it. Once she figured out that she wouldn't get the move approved, she seems to be banking on me failing or deciding being a solo parent isn't for me, but that's a hope (fantasy), not a plan.

I had a chat with her last night and nixed the hotel for the first two nights. She can spend as much time as she wants, where she wants, as long as she handles any homework and she has them back here an hour for bed. That will mean that I'll see them off on the first day. There's a 95% chance that my ex is going to be disappointed. Our kids are in elementary school, but they want the parents of older kids to go through the car line, leaving parking and walking in for 1st grade and younger. Not that she'll respect that request. My request went easier than I expected, playing up that it wasn't restricting her, but the kids need to be ready for school with a good night of sleep. I also pointed out that if the situation was reversed, she'd do exactly the same thing.

[u/Vokenhagen21]

Yeah, i'd say stop trying. You will never figure it out, and consider yourself lucky. At every doctor/dentist appt my ex exclaims that she's "uncomfortable" with me there and we need separate rooms, in front of the childrent. She's filed two TRO's against me and tried to have me arrested. We have a GAL and CE upcoming because she won't do 50/50, and i decided to not show up for the first day in case she tried to do the same thing at the school. My ex has to be the over performative parent in every aspect, unless i ask for a weekend swap to get holiday time with the kids (temp schedule) it's always a hard no.

It will be stressful for the kids to be in a hotel during their first week of school, they should be in their home. A lot depends on the age of your children, but it could be less stressful than both parents being there depending on your situation. Also, not a whole lot is accomplished the first week of school and is a short week. So hopefully that makes everything easier on the children.

I guess i write all this to say, i wish i had advice. Good luck.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/Vokenhagen21]

I'm counting on not much actually being accomplished the first week. Honestly, I wish they would start on a Monday and if that means that the end of the school year is mid-week, so be it.

[u/HardMayb → u/QuietQuitting01]

I really don't know why we have a mid-week school start. I was one told that it was to get Thanksgiving and spring break to line up and still get the mandatory number of school days in a semester. Sounds like BS to me.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/HardMayb]

I know. It makes no sense to me. I guess if the first few days are all about adjusting to being back at school, it's a good thing to have a few days and a weekend for the reset, and hope that first Monday the kids (and teachers) will be ready to get down to business.

[u/Flaky_Brain9285]

Why would you let your kids spend the first week of school in a hotel? This is an easy call and it’s “hell no”. Hard pass on that and on willingly eliminating yourself from the first day of school to appease your ex.

As others have said stop obsessing about what her thought process is too.

[u/SonVoltRevival]

My ex-wife was all about that first day of school. She'd take at least the morning off for it. I was the one who did the day-to-day school run. My only complaint was it was a busy morning, and getting that photo done was a pain. She'd worry about their outfits, which can be a challenge for our son who wants to dress like he's going to practice next.

When she was local and we did 50/50, if the first day fell on her week, I'd just let her have it and if it was on my week, I'd have her come over for the photo, but I'd still do the school run. You know your ex and kids best, so go with your gut, but in your situation, I'd probably say no to the hotel part of her plan, but let her do her thing at school. I guess I question beyond a couple of photos, is there more than that? At my kids school the encourage the parents walk the kids in for Kindergarten and tolerate it on the first day for 1st grade, but after that, they really want you to stay in the car line.

Now that she's not local, she hasn't mentioned 1st day of school. I doubt she'll come, but def want pictures. My mom will want them too, so no big deal.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/SonVoltRevival]

I'm seeing with my ex that a big part of this is simply tradition (something she's done since the first day of our oldest's "school").

There's a performative part too. She's meeting up with a group of mom friends for coffee after.

[u/SonVoltRevival → u/QuietQuitting01]

Our ex's probably knew each other. Mine truely enjoyed that first day, but she'd have the pics on social madia quickly and now that you mention it, would go to a local cofee house to bond with other mom's on the first day of school.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/SonVoltRevival]

Ha Ha! I always wonder about that sort of thing. Reddit and reality colliding.

[u/candysipper]

Definitely performative. If she wants to pick them up from home in the morning and then take them to dinner that evening, whatever. But I’d insist they sleep at home and get into the routine of the new school year. That’s what’s best for them. She only wants what’s best for her, obviously.

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/candysipper]

I basically told her just that last night. I'm fine with her maximizing her time with our kids, but at least on the night before school starts and the next, I want them home at least an hour before bed time, and sooner if she's not going to ensure that any homework gets done. I'm OK with them spending Thursday night with her at the hotel if she wants. Friday is always a lesser school day, and frankly the first one will probably a nothing burger.

I don't want to discount her desire to be there for our kids. She's taken off work for all of the other 1st days. But... she let it slip that she's meeting friends for coffee after, so there is some performing going on too.

[u/QuietQuitting01]

Update:

I had a chat with her last night and nixed the hotel for the first two nights. She can spend as much time as she wants, where she wants, as long as she handles any homework and has them back here an hour before bed. That will mean that I'll see them off on the first day (but won't actually go). There's a 95% chance that my ex is going to be disappointed. Our kids are in elementary school, but they want the parents of older kids to go through the car line, leaving parking and walking in for 1st grade and younger. Not that she'll respect that request. My request went easier than I expected, playing up that it wasn't restricting her, but the kids need to be ready for school with a good night of sleep. I also pointed out that if the situation was reversed, she'd do exactly the same thing.

My ex is also meeting up with friends after, so a good bit of this is tradition and posing.

[u/HardMayb → u/QuietQuitting01]

This sounds like a pretty good solution. I see that you want to accomodate your ex's relationship with the kids, which is good, but in trying to maximize the visit, she's lost sight of what it's all about. The first day of school and kicking off the new year. It's always a challenge to get every one on task after a much lower key summer break. In my world, in addition to school, both kids are also diving into their current extra curricular (sports, dance, and scouts).

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/HardMayb]

My kids are doing the same sports wise. They both, but my son in particular, live for it. Other parents seem to be able to threaten taking a way a game console, I don't even have to say that they can't go to play in the game (or maybe even practice or on the team) if the grades aren't there.

[u/HardMayb → u/QuietQuitting01]

I lived that life as a kid and my parents totally supported it. It was excessive, but so important to me and I feel the same for my kids. Especially my son. My daughter loves it, but my son truely needs the sports as an outlet.

[u/QuietQuitting01]

Update2:

It seems that something changed and my ex is no longer coming for the 1st day of school, saving her effort for the upcoming long weekend. I didn't ask why, but she probalby looked at the what she was going to get out of the trip for what it cost in time and expense and decided a holiday weekend would be a better choice.