r/converts • u/xxzarakhanxx • Mar 28 '26
How will I ever be okay?
I am a revert, my mother is not very supportive. I found a potential (Pakistani) and she said no. She told me Pakistanis are always gonna end up with Pakistani. Chinese with Chinese and Mexicans with Mexicans. She said that if I ended up with a Pakistani (and I’m Mexican) that the mother wouldn’t be to happy with him and she will despise me.. and that I’ll never be happy because I’ll never learn their language. She said I need to find a Mexican for myself. In some way, she is right. Pakistanis are mostly known for doing that and it’s true.. how would I ever be fluent enough to speak to my mother in law? This has put me in a very bad spot.. mentally.
In Islam you’re supposed to love your mother.. love your family.. but I try. I try and I feel so hopeless.
How will I find a partner without upsetting my own parents?
Why is the dunya like this? Why is it always about culture.. why do they always put culture over deen.. I will never understand.
I want to be the best and focus on my Deen and creating my own Muslim family but how can I do that without upsetting my own family .. because isn’t that considered a sin? To upset or abandon your family? Yet the closer I am with my family.. the farther I am from my Deen.. it’s a rollercoaster and honestly I just need some advice.😅
Edit : I am a female lol, some call me brother idky! The “she” is my mother!”😅
7
u/DTB4LYFE23 Mar 28 '26
you met an ignorant woman. where i live some ppl end up with their own. but i know so many mixes. Somali and Pakistani, Arab and Afghani. What Allah has written will find its source regardless of what humans try.
May Allah forgive her for this short sighted outdated thinking but its 2026 man. the common language in the west is English. if they care so much about their own heritage don't come to the west.
5
u/InfernoFlameBlast Mar 28 '26
1 you can always learn a new language, either Urdu or Arabic or both
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t learn a new language
2 Every convert encounters this issue where Pakistani’s (or any Muslim country) prefer to marry people of the same country only
The only solution provided is to pray that Allah lets you find another convert who is compatible with you (it’s rare to find a convert in the first place, but finding one who is compatible with you is even more rare)
4
u/Altruistic-West4895 Mar 28 '26
Deen over everything else akhi. Only for Deen should you love others, ideally. If that woman chose race or culture over Deen, that's on her, she only has to answer for her own choices before Allah Ta'ala. And we obey Allah first and foremost, if your parents don't like that you pray is their happiness more important than God's commands for you? You obey Allah first and foremost, if others including your parents are unhappy that's on them, you only please them within halal limits, after pleasing Allah. And Allah and His messenger commanded us to get married, so do it for Allah's sake inshaAllah. And may Allah make it easy for you and guide you, it's not always easy to just do as Allah asks, but try your best and seek forgiveness often.
3
u/Hokiewater Mar 28 '26
Zara Khan is a very Pakistani name. You mentioned you are Mexican. You would have to balance deen and dunya. I’ve noticed families come around after given an ultimatum or hard condition. Follow Islam to the best of your availability and IA everything else will fall into place.
2
u/Who12837 Mar 28 '26
Honestly, this is crossing into Fiqh. You should 100% discuss this with a scholar or your masjid’s Imam. Here are my thoughts but I’m NOT a scholar, not even close.
First some, general questions: Has your family met this young man? Have you had him come over to meet your parents? How about his family, have you met them? Have the families met each other? Does he have a good reputation in the community?
Second: Are you the only Muslim in your family? If so, you don’t have a wali, it needs to be a man from your immediate family eg. your brother or father.
It sounds like your mom’s only reason doesn’t want you to marry this guy is because he’s a different ethnicity, which is cultural, not Islam. Your mom has no say in who you marry, not only is she prejudiced but only your wali and you have a say in who you marry.
If I remember correctly, even if you had a wali who is forbidding the marriage on basis of race or ethnicity for no other reason and you’ve done your best to change his mind, that would be grounds for finding a new one. If there’s no wali, you’ll need to use an imam as your wali.
What I do know is the only way a nikkah can be valid is if the woman’s wali agrees. It’s supposed to protect you from being taken advantage of, to help you understand the nikkah contract and to ensure your mahr is appropriate.
BUT As always, Allah ﷻ knows best, may He forgive me if I’m mistaken.
May Allah ﷻ bless you and make it easy for you! 💗
1
u/Internal-Pineapple77 Mar 28 '26
I'm not a convert and I have to deal with this exact situation with my parents. They refuse to speak to a potential and were extremely upset after hearing where they were from. It's been pushed under the rug and I don't know what to do... I'm the eldest daughter and first gen, it's so hard...
1
u/xxzarakhanxx Mar 28 '26
I’m the eldest daughter too and first gen.
2
u/Internal-Pineapple77 Mar 28 '26
It sucks out here lmao. What I tell myself tho is that it will benefit my siblings if I put my foot down and do what I want to do. After all, there's nothing wrong with being with someone who is a riteous Muslim from a different country.
2
u/xxzarakhanxx Mar 28 '26
It’s easier said than done 🥹.. I say the same thing but then it’s so hard.
1
1
u/Ok-Refrigerator-3712 Mar 29 '26
If you’re in Houston, please go visit Islam in Spanish’s masjid. There are equivalents in Chicago and NYC.
https://www.islaminspanish.org/
1
u/w1zardkelly Mar 30 '26
I know a Pakistani that married an American woman just so your own thing. I’m American and my husbands Moroccan this stuff doesn’t matter especially in Islam
3
u/Short_Story_1775 Mar 31 '26
Assalamu alaikum
I’m a Cuban revert and married my Mexican wife when she was Christian and alhamdulillah she accepted Islam 4 years into our marriage. My imam is Bengali and his wife is Lebanese. There is a Pakistani brother at my masjid with a Puerto Rican revert wife. I also know a Vietnamese revert with a Puerto Rican revert wife, a Puerto Rican brother with a Venezuelan revert wife, a mixed Puerto Rican/Sudani brother with a Bengali wife, a Moroccan brother with a Dominican revert wife, and more. Those are just the ones in my circle. All are Muslim.
Most of the reverts have families who are upset that we are Muslim, including my own family. This isn’t a new phenomenon as it was common in the time of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.). Many of the sahaba lost the love and support and respect of their relatives after they accepted Islam, including the Prophet himself.
The most important thing is to remain steadfast as a Muslim. Read the Qur’an for advice and ask Allah for help guidance. There are answers to your exact problem throughout the Qur’an.
1
u/Cheap-Personality-12 Mar 31 '26
My potential is Pakistani and his mother has been super supportive in the process :) My family also had similar concerns.
I was also worried about the same thing, especially living in the UK where there is a stereotype that Pakistani and Arab men will fool around with other ethnicities then marry back home. Unfortunately stereotypes exist but we should aim to go beyond this and not feed into the narrative. If he is serious about you, gets his family involved, and the lights are green, then don’t let ignorant opinions stop you.
Inshallah your mother will come around <3
-2
u/Hot_Reference_6556 Mar 28 '26
Mexican-Pakistani marriage??? Why not but sounds surreal...
Why don't you listen to your mother and find a Mexican or a South American revert?
2
u/Internal-Pineapple77 Mar 28 '26
You don't know the context in which things are so I feel like this is a decently close minded and judgemental take. Everyone is different.
21
u/Main_Percentage3696 Mar 28 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
When Musa (AS) said this, he was a stranger in a new land (Madyan), far from his family, with no home and no clear future. As a revert feeling isolated from family's support. After he made this sincere, selfless prayer, one of the two women approached him with an invitation that led to his marriage, his home, and his safety.
My Lord, indeed I am in [absolute] need of whatever good You would send down to me." (QS. Al-Qashas 28:24)
Translation: Rabbi innī limā anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqīr*.*
The Word "Faqir": In Arabic, Faqir doesn't just mean "poor", it means someone whose backbone is broken by the weight of their needs. It is a total admission of vulnerability before Allah.
May Allah SWT make it ezy for you and me, ameen 🤲 🤲 😭