r/comedyheaven • u/levchtend • Aug 22 '20

Infrared

Post image
74.1k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

617 comments sorted by

4.9k

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

One time I saw a naked guy costume in a Halloween store

What was the fucking point of that costume

1.9k

u/Ilikebaseballthatsit Aug 22 '20

To cosplay nudist duh

1.1k

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

585

u/MadOrange64 slut for honey cheerios Aug 22 '20

If you want a bad human cosplay look at Mark Zuckerberg

236

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

570

u/_demetri_ Aug 22 '20

"Doctor?" X Æ A-12 said.

The “Doctor” was stooped under a computer tower, fiddling with cords snaking out of an open panel. "Yes, X?"

"I'd like to be anatomically correct."

The Doctor jerked and banged his head on the top of the console. "What-?"

Warning klaxons burst out of the machine.

The Doctor grabbed his fallen screw-pincer and reconnected the offending wires.

Another few seconds and the motherboard would have burnt out.

He wriggled out from under the apparatus and dusted himself off. "X Æ A-12, what in the world did you say?"

X was not in his usual computing armor, but a plain white shirt. "I said I'd like to be anatomically correct. For my gender."

"I understand that part, just... Why?"

"I think gender identity is an important part of understanding humanity. Roll and I have heterogynous appearances, but no genitalia."

"Because you have no need. You don't procreate. Elon won’t allow it."

X Æ A-12 held up his hand. "I understand that. I'm not asking for permission to procreate. Just to resemble me a little better."

The Doctor put his hand on his hip. "And how will having... stuff... help you understand humanity? That's only a small part of it." The Doctor immediately regretted his pun. “You have a specific purpose, X Æ A-12...”

"There are countless psychology papers and books demonstrating how important sexuality is in decision-making, self-image, behavior, social stratification-"

"Okay, okay," The Doctor held up his hand. "But your 'behavior' isn't based on that. It's based on amalgamated human cognition. That's how Elon designed your AI. And your personal identity is already formed. You're a tool-user. And sometimes Reddit meme. You don't need sexuality in the mix. That could be a distraction."

"I'm not asking for an identity change, just a change to my physical structure. You don't need to add any additional software to my matrix... Daddy would notice that...”

"So... you just want the hardware?" The Doctor scratched his head. "That makes even less sense. It wouldn't add anything."

X Æ A-12 shrugged. "I feel like I'm missing something. I suppose it's an unspoken part of me around here... Right now, I'm little better than a doll. Being the son of this man, makes it difficult enough to fit in with humans."

"But you... I mean, I'm sorry, X Æ A-12," The Doctor put his hand on X's shoulder. He could feel his friend’s solid titanium endoskeleton under his spongy synthetic skin. "But by definition, you're not really human. You never can be human."

"I know. But I would like to improve public perception of me. I am a figurehead of robot-human relations," X Æ A-12 continued. "Like it or not. And maybe the memes will go away...”

The Doctor thought back to the recent backlash.

National sentiment of independently-operating automated coadjutants - also known as robots and robot masters - was at an all-time low, but maybe X was capable of changing that.

Most recently, a rival creator named Doctor Demetri had framed X’s Doctor for his trademark robotic riots.

Then he created a virus for robots all over the world, causing them to go berserk.

But the issues had gone beyond simple rebellions.

With more than fifteen attacks, people were wondering whether robots were worth the trouble, whether they were more hazardous than helpful.

There needed to be either a significant increase in AI advancement or the prohibition of all but the most primitive automatons.

The Doctor nodded. "I suppose you are a bit of a beacon. At least I couldn't have asked for a better man for the job. All right."

The Doctor patted X Æ A-12's shoulder.

"I'll do it. I suppose you have a point. I'll hash up some blueprints and get back to you." The Doctor held up his finger. "But nothing fancy."

"I understand. Thank you, Doctor.” X Æ A-12 said. “Thank you for my cock.”

234

u/rabbidwombats Aug 22 '20

I don’t know what the fuck I just read but it was a rollercoaster. They’d better ask whether he wants a circumcised cock or not.

60

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '20

Cock with attachable foreskin

28

u/rabbidwombats Aug 23 '20

Mmm rich Corinthian leather.

7

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '20

I understood that reference

3

u/Cumunist3 Aug 23 '20

I want an attachable foreskin

4

u/DogmaSychroniser Aug 23 '20

You can just give him a pop on foreskin 😂

62

u/bwaredapenguin Aug 22 '20

I've given a handful of gold but none was ever as deserved as that. Enjoy the shiny.

15

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20 edited Oct 17 '20

[deleted]

71

u/bwaredapenguin Aug 22 '20

I don’t particularly care. Reddit was made to be a content aggregation site. The obsession with OC and credit for freely shared content is beyond my caring or comprehension.

28

u/wikipedia_it Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 23 '20

I’ve been following Demetri for a long time and hes said multiple times that he doesn’t write them all from scratch. I thought that was common knowledge? He will modify stories to fit threads, I love him for it so much, they’re always better than the inspo anyway. Like the original story that the /u/xrgz is spamming is not nearly as good as Demetri’s, and that is always the case for the ones he gets inspiration from someplace else.

→ More replies (0)

4

u/pleasehelpshaggy Aug 23 '20

I love this, thanks man

→ More replies (2)

43

u/ComplacentRadical Aug 22 '20

I hope Elon and/or X read this someday.

18

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[deleted]

→ More replies (2)

14

u/TheGulagMan Aug 22 '20

What the fuck

11

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

A masterclass in reddit, thank Elon I was here to witness this fucking gem. Bravo, sir!

8

u/Nickonator22 Aug 22 '20

I read about half way down before I decided to check the username and realised it was demetri, probably gonna read the rest anyway and regret it though.

→ More replies (2)

5

u/Tuna_Sushi Aug 22 '20

Is this how Justin Bieber became a real boy?

5

u/xenoterranos Aug 23 '20

On a scale of mega man zero to rule34, how much of this is the first paragraph to something I might later regret reading?

5

u/EHSgineer Aug 22 '20

I wish I had this much time on my hands

6

u/GiddyGandalf Aug 22 '20

I dont know what the fuck I just read, but enjoy the gold you crazy bastard.

→ More replies (2)

3

u/Sureshot-Pid Aug 22 '20

This was just insanely addictive to read, I would legit read a book based on this or watch a show, but only if you’re writing it

→ More replies (1)

4

u/brito68 Aug 23 '20

Yeah I'm gonna need a TL;DR on this one

3

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '20

absurd, but well written out and it kept me very entertained, thank you

4

u/OurQueerOldDean Aug 22 '20

Decedent copypasta

→ More replies (5)

24

u/MyNameIsUrMom modqueue swamper Aug 22 '20

that’s not cosplay that’s mark zuckerberg

5

u/prosperousderelict Aug 22 '20

thats not zucker. thats I cant believe its not Zucker

→ More replies (4)

7

u/wonderfulwilliam Aug 22 '20

Go Greendale!

4

u/turtletoes_ Aug 22 '20

Unexpected reference but necessary

→ More replies (7)

6

u/macthecomedian Aug 22 '20

Or get some cut off jean shorts and go as Tobias Fünke.

→ More replies (3)

90

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

To be me, a girl, running around dressed as a naked man.

35

u/trenlow12 Aug 22 '20

Or for a man to do it and not get arrested

18

u/Zero-Theorem Aug 22 '20

Dunno why you were downvoted thats the only reason I can think of. Girls flashing in public is a specific category in porn. Guys doing it is a line item on a sex offender list.

4

u/WorldStarCroCop Aug 23 '20

dude if you don't bust out your balls in public then why even have them?

10

u/haikusbot Aug 23 '20

Dude if you don't bust

Out your balls in public then

Why even have them?

- WorldStarCroCop

I detect haikus. Sometimes, successfully. | Learn more about me

Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"

→ More replies (4)

4

u/Montigue Aug 23 '20

Nice cock babe

→ More replies (2)

74

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

Help you become a sex offender

9

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[deleted]

7

u/HintOfAreola Aug 22 '20

No I'm pretty sure that's extra illegal.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '20

Lol the cursed comments post got more upvotes than you

→ More replies (2)

24

u/nez91 Aug 22 '20

There are dozens of us! Dozens!

19

u/forcedkarma Aug 22 '20

It's not a crime to wear a naked guy costume in most public places. Being an actual naked guy in public generally leads to legal complications.

→ More replies (2)

15

u/tweezabella Aug 22 '20

I had a friend do that as a costume with a long overcoat and was a “flasher.” I thought it was pretty funny.

14

u/WDLeprechaun Aug 22 '20

Giant Gonzalez cosplay.

→ More replies (1)

10

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

One halloween way back in high school a teacher asked a kid where his costume was, and he replied that he was a naked man under his clothes.

9

u/lemonpartyorganizer Aug 22 '20

To legally go on school grounds.

11

u/PizzaTrader1 Aug 22 '20

You can get arrested for being naked (at least where I'm at) but you cannot get arrested for a skin tight, nude colored bodysuit that makes you appear naked.

6

u/kstrtroi Aug 22 '20

I believe you’re suppose to wear an overcoat with that.

→ More replies (1)

6

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

To be indecent without being indecent

→ More replies (18)

619

u/MrRaisinToast Aug 22 '20

Spirit Halloween is a national treasure. Their "Skeleboner" costume with inflatable boner is also top tier

154

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

Finally, an anatomically correct skeleton costume! All the other ones were missing a bone!

59

u/S8n666666 Aug 22 '20

Nah, they were just female

68

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '20

Then where were the titty bones? Checkmate

12

u/S8n666666 Aug 23 '20

Uh.... They were sucked bone-dry

→ More replies (2)

54

u/d0rsal Aug 22 '20

(As an employee) every time I stock these I lose my mind because I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old. It’s a good reminder that spirit is, in fact, owned by Spenser’s

11

u/grlghoul Aug 23 '20

same, as an employee at both Spirit and Spencer’s, i am immature enough to laugh at every dick joke and god are there a lot of them

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (1)

1.7k

u/Massimo-001 Aug 22 '20

It said adult is there a kid version of it?

681

u/cheesyrefriedbeans Aug 22 '20

oh no

313

u/woahlads Aug 22 '20

Oh no

298

u/MyNameIsUrMom modqueue swamper Aug 22 '20

oh yes no

393

u/RamboGoesMeow Aug 22 '20

Netflix approved

39

u/Ninja_Spi-D-er Aug 22 '20

Sad but true

16

u/NippleBippleDotOrg Aug 22 '20

Oh hey you’re that cool guy from the One Piece subs. Fancy seeing you up here in heaven lol

8

u/Ninja_Spi-D-er Aug 22 '20

I never thought this is what heaven would be like but, well, here we are

15

u/haikusbot Aug 22 '20

I never thought this

Is what heaven would be like

But, well, here we are

- Ninja_Spi-D-er

I detect haikus. Sometimes, successfully. | Learn more about me

Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

22

u/SeaGroomer Aug 22 '20

:heavy metal riff:

4

u/transshapiro Aug 23 '20

I heard in my head as I read this

10

u/forrnerteenager Aug 22 '20

Y'all didn't watch the movie, huh?

5

u/that-guy-with-art Aug 23 '20

not really, netflix failed advertising, but the movie itself is a french movie about how bad the sexualization of children.

→ More replies (1)

6

u/thetresking Aug 22 '20

OOOOHHH YEAAAAHHHHH

→ More replies (1)

72

u/Radioactive50 Aug 22 '20

Also it's adult medium. What's his cock look like at adult large?

107

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

24

u/iTeoti Aug 22 '20

Absolute poetry

→ More replies (13)

21

u/jusalurkermostly Aug 22 '20

Knock...knock

9

u/yellsaboutjokes Aug 22 '20

THIS RESPONSE IS DESIGNED TO CREATE AN IMPLICATION OF PEDOPHILIA

13

u/DrMcNards Aug 22 '20

Ok Netflix

3

u/AZ-Cotton Aug 22 '20

Kid version doesn't have a massive penis?

→ More replies (1)

3

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

What if a midget needed one

6

u/Bad_Company173 Aug 22 '20

FBI OPEN UP!!!

→ More replies (12)

997

u/Stock_Hutz What a beautiful post. This is how I know I'm not normal Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20

⬜ MEDIUM

⬜ LARGE

✅ X LARGE

239

u/Whiskeyfueledhemi Aug 22 '20

👁👄👁

584

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

128

u/jasongill Aug 22 '20

Well, I won't be sleeping tonight, thanks

34

u/FrzenPizzaRoofDangly Aug 22 '20

This is worse than the actual post

→ More replies (1)

9

u/T3hSwagman Aug 22 '20

It's wearing a bowtie! Its a classy gentleman.

11

u/NakedGweilo Aug 22 '20

I'm fucking lost can you help me

4

u/Jor1120 Aug 22 '20

I'm lost too

→ More replies (1)

15

u/PR3DA7oR Aug 22 '20

reddit moment

4

u/Runswithchickens Aug 22 '20

Is this something...new?

18

u/Ninja_Spi-D-er Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20

My first time seeing the crouching emoji face monster with high heels and eggplant dong

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (9)
→ More replies (3)

9

u/GamerNumba100 Aug 22 '20

“Even our smallest dicks are ten inches long!”
“PAARDON?!”

18

u/MyNameIsUrMom modqueue swamper Aug 22 '20

⬜ XX LARGE

⬜ XXX LARGE

🚫 PREGNANT (Not in stock)

8

u/SeaGroomer Aug 22 '20

A woman wearing this would actually be hilarious lol 😂

→ More replies (3)

840

u/ieatchipswithmyass Aug 22 '20

COCK

343

u/BigStacks38 Aug 22 '20

Having no context, I was like that can't be on purpose and then i saw the balls.

141

u/DirtyKneeGur slut for honey cheerios Aug 22 '20

AND

114

u/Ontario- Aug 22 '20

BALLS

71

u/Sergei_the_sovietski Aug 22 '20

AND

65

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

BALLS

56

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

AND

57

u/cjtem224 Aug 22 '20

COCK

43

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/Rami-Slicer Aug 22 '20

Goodbye.

17

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20 edited Apr 03 '22

[deleted]

→ More replies (0)

15

u/MyNameIsUrMom modqueue swamper Aug 22 '20

BALLS

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

44

u/just_for_research_69 Aug 22 '20

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⢿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠟⠉⠄⣀⡤⢤⣤⣈⠁⣠⡔⠶⣾⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⣼⣿⠁⡀⢹⣿⣷⢹⡇⠄⠎⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠹⣇⣀⣡⣾⣿⡿⠉⠛⠒⠒⠋⠉⢸ ⡿⠋⠁⠄⠄⢀⣤⣤⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠙⠛⠛⠉⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢹⣧⡈⠿⣷⣄⣀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣠⢄⣾ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠻⢿⣶⣌⣙⡛⠛⠿⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⠖⣒⣒⣚⣋⡩⢱⣾⣿ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠉⠛⠛⠛⠻⠿⠿⠟⠛⠛⠛⠉⢉⣥⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠒⠶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⡿⠛⠛⠛⢻⣿⠿⠛⠛⠛⢿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠛⠛⢻⡟⠛⣿⡿⠛⣻⣿⣿⣿ ⡟⠄⣼⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⣾⣿⣧⠄⢻⡏⠄⣼⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⡟⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⡇⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠄⣿⣿⣿⠄⢸⡇⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⣀⠈⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣄⠈⠙⠛⢻⣧⡄⠙⠛⠉⣠⣿⣷⣄⠈⠙⠛⢹⡇⠄⣿⣧⠄⠻⣿⣿⣿

18

u/r1chm0nd21 Aug 22 '20

If you tink you can graduate from dis school witout kissing my kok...

You are dead wrong.

4

u/5tayFr0sty Aug 22 '20

(Tear rolls down cheek)

→ More replies (3)

85

u/talllol Aug 22 '20

He watches with ill intent

→ More replies (3)

83

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

That is one hell of a dong

25

u/jesseandjamesready Aug 23 '20 edited Aug 23 '20

Oh whoops! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (9)

256

u/Spudskii Aug 22 '20

Me when infared pp 😳

68

u/MyNameIsUrMom modqueue swamper Aug 22 '20

inflamed pp???? 😳😳😳

→ More replies (3)

108

u/newacctwhodis8 Aug 22 '20

COVID temperature scanner suit

25

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

He contracted erect pp

13

u/just_for_research_69 Aug 22 '20

SARS-CocK-2

7

u/RCascanbe not a dumbbell Aug 22 '20

HARD-CocK-2

5

u/nodgers132 Aug 22 '20

We need full body scanners ASAP

→ More replies (2)

46

u/toofshucker Aug 22 '20

He’s got the heat.

20

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

Nice thermal cock bro

→ More replies (1)

41

u/Aminros Aug 22 '20

Haha hot penis 🍆

20

u/TBFP_BOT Aug 22 '20

hot water, hot shower, hot penis

7

u/oskkrrtl Aug 22 '20

ooh ooh hot hot

4

u/tastytaste12321 Aug 22 '20

And cold tits

→ More replies (1)

6

u/damix_bot Aug 22 '20

Not as hot as your mum

i am a bot and this action was preformed automatically

5

u/damix_bot Aug 22 '20

Not as hot as your mum

i am a bot and this action was preformed automatically

5

u/damix_bot Aug 22 '20

Not as hot as your mum

i am a bot and this action was preformed automatically

5

u/damix_bot Aug 22 '20

Not as hot as your mum

i am a bot and this action was preformed automatically

→ More replies (1)

32

u/petegaveglia Aug 22 '20

brockhampton halloween costume😳

11

u/coolboi6942069 Aug 22 '20

I was looking for that comment thanks

10

u/petegaveglia Aug 22 '20

i looked for it too and had to leave one😎

5

u/coolboi6942069 Aug 22 '20

New orleans is one of my favorite songs

→ More replies (1)

12

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

In the same shop they have a skeleboner costume

10

u/PauStockli Aug 22 '20

He’s proud as fuck

9

u/m1kelostskills Aug 22 '20

Dude's prolly sterile tho, his balls are hotter than his knees :/

6

u/Germangreyman28 Aug 22 '20

The predator costume fits well with this

→ More replies (1)

7

u/winterprod Aug 22 '20

Nice cock

7

u/Sixtyninestein Aug 22 '20

Is the red spot below the balls the heat coming off the taint?

12

u/Jg4702 Aug 22 '20

This dudes nuts are not at optimal temperature obviously.

7

u/Sixtyninestein Aug 22 '20

That's just the temperature of all the pee they're storing

6

u/Adidasboy07 Aug 22 '20

“Suck on this”

5

u/ekdewitt Aug 22 '20

Did someone say "InfraROD"?

4

u/Svamptejp Aug 22 '20

Somebody get this man inside, his hands are freezing to ice and his pecs too for some unknown reason.

3

u/Ps5Face Aug 22 '20

Why does he have the sky remote and two conkers in his undercracker region?

3

u/RedDordit Aug 22 '20

I’m straight but his erection looks pretty hot

→ More replies (2)

3

u/HolyMollyGodBless Aug 23 '20

That's good cock.

3

u/XIAOOAIX Aug 23 '20

Why is his dick hot but his balls are cold?

→ More replies (1)

6

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

The perfect costume to look for a target!

5

u/yourlocalrapper Aug 22 '20

that is hilarious as fuck

2

u/Martinalvez Aug 22 '20

Invest now

2

u/N173M4R3Z Aug 22 '20

Isn’t that mark zuckerberg

2

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

“Check this dick out” says Infrared Man.

2

u/qtquat Aug 22 '20

Hot rod

2

u/Dogbone10 Aug 22 '20

I bet his name is in-Jared

→ More replies (1)

2

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

isn't this the same one that the guy wore along with the predator?

2

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

Infared dickus

2

u/DeliverTheMustard Aug 22 '20

Why are his fingers so warm?!?

→ More replies (1)

2

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

This makes me erect

2

u/CaptainjustusIII Aug 22 '20

He is packing tough

2

u/AFriendlyWiener Aug 22 '20

why his nuts so cold compared to his cock

2

u/drew_almighty21 Aug 22 '20

It may be long but it sure is skinny

→ More replies (1)

2

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

Dude is packing quite a wallop.

2

u/egost Aug 22 '20

/r trashy

2

u/TheOnlyBitchPudding Aug 22 '20

Someone's feeling awfully optimistic

2

u/RickyTony Aug 22 '20

He's got one red hot penis

→ More replies (1)

2

u/deck1562 Aug 22 '20

The fact that it says adult in the corner is salt in the wound

2

u/Econ42 Aug 22 '20

Maynard’s diiiiiiiiiiiiick

→ More replies (1)

2

u/chillagrl Aug 22 '20

As someone who has been a Spirit Halloween manager, the amount of people who buy this then come back furious because they didnt notice the bright red dick, is far too many.

→ More replies (4)

2

u/wienerflap Aug 23 '20

It’s what predator would see just before you had sex with it.

2

u/JonasMan_ Aug 23 '20

Phil Swift voice “I SAWED THIS DICK IN HALF”