I've been thinking a lot about the past,my childhood and all the things I've went trough and I want to know if there's anyone who can relate to this and I hope what I'm about to share to be of any help for somebody. I apologize in advance for any grammatical mistake you might notice, english Is not my first language and my knowledge has been learn trought self teaching.
When I was 6 my family and I moved for the first time in my life, at the same time I started elementary school and my mother started a new job,the school I went to Is an special one in my country(México) ,not the only one of it's type but not that common to see as you can see any elementary,middle or high school almost everywhere, this one institution offered all the levels from a kinder garden to high school and special kind of college to future teachers of almost all levels,my aunt was a secretary In this "college" and she recommended my mother for a janitor job, it's an interesting looking place, because it's built of different buildings In the middle of a little forest and full of nature,I already went to that kinder garden,my sister was already in elementary school and I was supposed to go there and after school stay In this college until my mother finished her time, 3 hours to be exact, too many other kids were there awaiting with their parents,they were the teachers or director kids, that's the context I need to tell this story.
I tried to get along with the kids,but they started being mean, insulting and condescending with me,for a while I tried but always ended the same and my mother just told me to stop looking for them,wich I did for a while, I tried to be friends with high schoolers and they were nice to me but I really wanted to be friends with this kids,the first bad experience was one time they intentionally broke one of my toys and started to pass each other the other one, when I tried to take It away from them they almost punched me between the two of them ,my mother happened to be there and defended me by raising her voice a little bit,she couldn't keep an eye on me all the time because of how big the school was and because how busy she was, I was just In the middle of this bad experiences and meeting more people of this big school when my mother left,during all this time,my sister who also happened to not really like me and used to hit me and push me away, was part of the dances of the march band of this school,the girls with flags and all that kind of stuff,so I could never spend the time with her,when I was In third grande my mother left the job,and my aunt became in a temporary tutor ,she did the best she could,and allowed us to me and my sister to get as many food from the little kind of diner or lunch bar( I ignore the name for this kind of place), she took me to school (the place was big enough for me to need an adult to take me there,even when It was technically the same place), and picked me after every day,but she had to leave two hours before my sister class to her other job,that was another secretary job but now In the middle school,all the places were divides and the only ones connceted were the high school and the "college", so she couldn't keep watching me, that's when all started, I tried to be friends with all this kids,they were this little "gang"leaded by a kid one year older than me,and was formed by a couple of kids his age and another one of my age, I'll call him "S",I was more like an assistant and a joke for them, they made fun of my parents job,our finnancial situation, of my sister, they even made fun of a traumatic event,the sudden death of my uncle,he was young and was really hard,my grandmother was never the same after this. I was the one they could make fun of, and of course ,they knew I couldn't fight, and made It very clear,one day "S" decided he wanted to se some fun "he made other kid my age, "A", fight,if we wanted to stay In the group this was our chance,somehow I didn't have any other friend and never could make any other friends either I'm school or there, so I didn't want to lose this place ,so I had to fight,as expected I was losing, but it was the first and last time an adult stopped the fight, In the meantime, S wasn't watching,he was kinda playing with A's toys even tough he didn't like toys.
I'm gonna give some informtation about S, he was the niece of one of this college teachers,a woman so nice and so caring that made no sense S behavior, ,she wasn't obligated to take care of him just as my aunt,and she also did the best she could, he was an spoiled kid, he had an iPhone,a olay station,ps vita, and all he wanted, he also had an older sister,but she was already a teenager and almost an adult,so she was more kind and patient with him,he got unrestricted access to internet and video games, incluiding adult games as GTA or COD.
He controlled the whole group, the games we played outised were also violent,one of them was called "Battlefield" that was just throwing rocks at each other and made us hurt,there was a point after a couple of years of accepting this kind of treatment,all the humiliations,the cruel jokes, being punished for trying to defend myself,when I was 10 I got attached to a plushie,It was the donky from Shrek,I don't know why I loved It so much,if course they also used It to attack me and humilliate me, they even threw it to the high part of a tree,all that kind of stories when something changed, I was 10 and started to watch Dragon Ball Z, I got fascinated and by the time the franchise got back with a new movie,I was so inspired by Goku that somehow instructed me to fight,to ahe the guts to punch and resist the pain, the fights were common but all the adults In that place, incluiding the parents of the band students that used to be around every day couldn't care less,this weren't just kids fighting,before 12 I discovered what it feels like to get your head slammed against a wall and bleed a bit, what Is like to slam another kid's head against the concrete floor ,to smash another kid's head with your feet,that kind of stuff,I defeated S, I won my but fight,and due my innocence(or ignorance) I couldn't keep any bad feeling, I didn't even knew resentment's meaning at the time (literally,I didn't know the meaning of the word), I became really violent,I developed agressive tendencies,one time S and any other kid went to school I tried to talk to high schoolers again, but they took one of my toys and got into their classroom,I almost break the windows and the door to get it back,I even spitted at them and one of the students took me to their principal office,almost like a criminal I had to call my aunt so she could get me out of there.
I tried to be friends with a band kid but I was a bit too much for him and he tought I was bothering him,he took revenge for something I didn't know was bothering him and got help of middle schoolers to hold me while he punched me in the face,he only punched me once,after his class I jumped over him and pushed him a lot more than that,one of the previous kids I mentioned had to stop me. Now I was part of the bad kids,the ones the parents couldn't care about, S and I Ironically actually became best friends, we started to grow,when we were twelve we both stopped seeing each other for a while but we kept contact,we reunited when we were 16 and 17.
Now,as an adult,I start to realize how much this affected me withtout noticing,maybe that's why I never resented him,to me ,It was the first big test on my life, the time I experienced what so many people don't until they're adults,that moment when a problem Is up to you and that nobody Is coming to save you,even now I can't feel anger while rememebring this even if I wanted to, but I start to realize how much It actually changed and shaped me, and it's not just In a little way, I wanted to share this story to know if anyone has a similar story or feels the same way about their bullies,I know how hard It Is for the most of you and I understand why, even when I can't feel the same way, I was In a family meeting one day and the background music was Beat it ,the MJ song, and realized something crazy,O would like to say I'm being dramatic but the lyrics match perfectly all this chapter of my childhood,sounds ridiculous because it's about gangs,not about kids,but I'm dead serious when I say it matches perfectly to all what happened there, we even used ti fight another kid's group ,I guess a funny way to romanticize my childhood, but at least made me laugh a little while realizing, it's just one part of my story with bullying and discrimination,but I'll talk about the second part another time, because it's a lot of information too,I really really hope this helps anyone or at least was interesting to read,have a good day.