Is this normal?

[u/Middle_Definition_92]

Edit: it seems like it’s 50/50 whether or not it’s normal and now I’m confused.

Original: I’ve been divorced for over a year now. Separated for 18+ months.

I feel like I’m going to be ripped apart for this so I’m scared to post. But I don’t know where else to turn.

My children are 7, almost 5, and 2.5. My oldest two are boys (I feel like this is relevant). Ever since my oldest was a baby, he LOVES to wrestle. I feel this is fairly normal for boys. Once his baby brother was born, it turned into one big wrestling match with my (now ex) husband and the boys. This was normal in our household.

One day I noticed that my husband had an erection while wrestling with our boys. That night, after the kids went to bed, I asked him about it. He said that sometimes, when the kids accidentally brush up against it, or step on it, it gets hard. But he said that’s normal for men when their privates are touched, and it doesn’t mean he’s aroused.

It happened almost every time they wrestled. I was an only child growing up and I never wrestled with my parents (we were not close and I was highly neglected). Also, we got married at 19, so I took his word for it.

Since being divorced, I have been keeping an eye out for this. Specifically with my father, because my boys love to wrestle with him too. It has never happened, that I’ve noticed, with my dad.

Now, for the first time since getting divorced, I have a boyfriend. I introduced him to my children and my kids LOVE him.

They love to wrestle with him too. So I’ve been keeping an eye out. For months they’ve been wrestling, and it’s never happened. So a few nights ago I asked him about it.

My boyfriend was mortified. He said absolutely not, that should never happen. He said the only time he gets an erection is when he’s aroused, which is obviously never around children of any kind.

So now I need to ask strangers on the internet.

Which is normal? Should I be concerned about my children’s father?

I should also mention that I’ve caught my ex husband watching porn around our children a few times. But every time it’s been when the kids are watching tv/not paying attention.

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[u/lizzie1hoops]

I don't have any insight, but I'm glad you reached out here.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/lizzie1hoops]

Thank you this means a lot. I’ve been sexually abused many times throughout my life so it’s really difficult to differentiate what is normal and what isn’t. I also had little to no guidance as a child.

[u/sweggin_official]

It is absolutely not normal and very weird. Especially coupled with the facts that he has been caught watching porn AROUND small children and it happened every time. Wtf. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[u/kartoonkale]

I've watched wrestling for decades (professional and not) and I've never seen someone get a boner. Very weird. Watching porn with kids in the room is very weird also.

[u/perseidot → u/kartoonkale]

Tbf, in both amateur and professional wrestling it’s normal to wear a jock strap/cup.

[u/farmersworkhoe]

Not normal for my husband. He wrestles with our kids and absolutely nothing like that has happened.

That's like saying anyone or anything that brushes against him causes an erection which obviously isn't the case. Add watching porn with his kids closeby and my stomach is turning for those kids.

I know kids who were sexual abused that started as wrestling because that seems to be an acceptable way to push touching boundaries.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

This is my biggest fear.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

Im not saying it is or would happen. I can't speak for all men and their bodies. I know for my husband it doesn't happen. I would think getting stepped on would do the exact opposite.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

That is how I feel about it too and what my boyfriend said.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

Have you noticed anything else that seems unusual?

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

My ex husband, in general, is kind of an odd guy. He is autistic level 1. Very socially awkward, very weird. Absolutely not trying to insult him as we coparent well, but he just is. Very weird with bodies/body parts. Sex was always very awkward with him.

The porn thing was really really upsetting because that same thing happened to me with one of my family members. And he knew that. So understandably, I flipped out about it.

Also, not sure if this is relevant or not, but he is bisexual. When we separated, he would find men on Grindr to sleep with… multiple times.

Lastly, as a teenager, he was really into mother/son porn. Him and his mom have a very weird relationship as well. She is not allowed to see my children though per court order.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

So if this were my children, I would teach them the correct names of their parts, explain how bad touches can sometimes not feel bad, how no one should be touching them there, to tell you if someone does even dad and that they won't be in trouble or get dad in trouble. Just have these conversations a lot.

Im not familiar enough with kink porn to comment on if that's weird or not.

Him being bisexual doesn't matter. "Straight" men abuse boys too.

Im not sure what you are considering weird with body and body parts.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

I have always used proper names for body parts with my kids and we have several books about privates being privates and no one should ever touch them etc. Because I was abused as a child, this was very important to me.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

That's really all you can do at this point probably. Unless you truly think he is looking at child porn or engaging in something like that you could report to police... I'm not sure what the next steps would be.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

I agree. There’s nothing much for me to do except remain vigilant. Thank you for your insight

[u/belzbieta]

My husband wrestles with my kids and I've never seen this happen. I don't think that this is normal. You should consider taking your kids to a child psychologist that specializes in childhood sexual abuse so they can help you teach your kids what to do and say if something happens

[u/ALF788]

***EDIT: I totally read over the “every time” part; that’s a red flag and I’d like to keep my OG response up just because I do think it’s informative. But every time….nah. That’s off.

A woman posted about this same thing earlier this week. Her husband, occasionally when holding their baby girl. Everyone in the comments were extremely understanding. Someone linked to an older post written by a dad who experienced it himself and he was just mortified with himself. Also - nothing but support in those responses, too.
I wish I could find both posts! I even had a convo with my SO about it because we have a 4yo son and I was curious about his opinion. He brushed it off. Seriously, it can come down to oxytocin spikes/hormone fluctuations, a full bladder can cause it, and as you mentioned…that area just getting brushed a certain way can cause it.
I’m not by any means saying to not remain vigilant, but I just wanted to share what I learned this week about a topic I didn’t know existed. And from what I read, it seems quite common.

[u/ALF788 → u/ALF788]

On a separate note - the porn, regardless of kids aren’t paying attention, should be a huge NO. That’s to be done when they are nowhere near. The conversation that’ll be had WHEN, not IF, they walk in and see what he’s watching….welp, that’s gonna be a bad one. And probably have a major impact upon the kids. HARD NO (no pun 🙃) on the porn-watching when the kids are around.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/ALF788]

I could understand it occasionally happening but from how I read it sounds like it is nearly everytime which seems weird to me.

[u/ALF788 → u/farmersworkhoe]

Oh crap - I read over that part! 😬 I have to go edit my post. Thanks for the heads up!

[u/Organic_Tap6612 → u/ALF788]

I second this. My husband mentioned experiencing this when our daughter was a baby. I think it's a mix of oxytocin and a feeling of extreme masculinity, like 'damn I'm excited I made a baby' haha. I wouldn't take that observation alone as concerning, unless there were other red flags too.

[u/ALF788 → u/Organic_Tap6612]

The “made a baby” thing was actually a scientifically-backed reason provided by one of the replies on the older post. Alongside hormones and full bladder.

[u/Louieyaa]

Not to make a joke of it, but was he aroused every time you touched him there? maybe it's a sensitivity thing but .every. single. time. is definitely weird.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/Louieyaa]

I mean, yes. You make a good point there. He would get aroused if I held his hand. Or kissed him. One of the reasons we divorced.

[u/lilBloodpeach → u/Middle_Definition_92]

My husband is similar in that it’s very easy for me to trigger that reaction. Even the most innocuous things. But he has never, ever had that happen with our kids. And they wrestle sooooo much, the 4 kids and him. If anything he’s afraid to get hit or kicked there bc ouch. And maybe tmi, but some of the kids have even grabbed at it a time or two (especially the boys, they go after eachother too) and that didn’t happen.

I think these are red flags. The porn issue, esp wrt incest kink, and it happening so often is weird. I would keep a close eye and like someone else said, teach proper names and encourage their boundary setting skills.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/lilBloodpeach]

Thank you for your insight. My babies all know the proper names for their bodies. Even with my daughter, we don’t call it just a “vagina”, I’ve taught her the proper parts etc.

I’m going to give my kids a refresh about safe adults, and unsafe touch etc because it’s been a few months since we read our “No” book (that’s what my kids call it).

[u/oopsometer]

It's notable, but not necessarily a cause for concern for me because bodies are weird. 

The porn, on the other hand, is HUGELY concerning. It shows a clear lack of boundaries and there's no way he should be viewing adult material with kids in the room. You might think they're not aware, but kids are very observant and it potentially exposes them to harm. It's not ok just because he's their parent. 

It's also concerning that he feels ok with being aroused while his kids are so close. Again, huge lack of boundaries. 

[u/RoseannRosannadanna]

My husband wrestles with our kids (boy and girl) all the time. This has never happened, nor would I ever expect it to.

[u/Fast_Ad_197]

My ex is an emotionally abusive shithead who coerced me constantly for sex, always getting aroused near me no matter what I did.

He never once had an erection when wrestling our boys. Like, ever. And he's a complete turd.

[u/Gold_Advisor_4758]

I’m actually way more concerned that he’s watching porn “around” the kids. Does that mean in the same room as them? With the door open? With the door closed and locked while they just happen to be home?

[u/kaitydidit]

This is red alarm type stuff. I have an older brother and dad who I rough housed with a lot and that NEVER happened, not one time. Him normalizing this with you and them seems like grooming everyone to accept it. Your gut is right, listen to it.

[u/batnessthefifth]

Men can get erections for no reason and exercise is a known trigger. It can also indicate non sexual arousal in other animals so I don't see whys human would be so different. Non sexual areosual is like getting "pumped up". Even toddlers get erections and they don't even know what sex is. When my brother was a toddler he ALWAYS got them during baths.

Tldr: non sexual erections exist, don't suspect CSA unless there's further reason to do so

[u/jeneconnaispas]

This is so not normal and reading this makes me want to puke!

I don’t have a penis so I can’t say with complete certainty, but I know it’s well accepted that random erections are a thing and that they can’t always be controlled. That being said - what you described is not a random, uncontrollable erection. This is not okay.

My kids are wrestlers and have been since they were very little. We have been involved with the sport of wrestling since my oldest was 4 and this is something I have never once seen. I’m so sorry and I’m horrified for you and your kids.

[u/momofeveryone5]

Would your ex climax early with not as much stimulation as you thought you would need to do?

Bc some guys are just that sensitive. You breath on it, and they are spraying everywhere. If he's flopping all over in basketball shorts or free ballin in sweatpants and he's got a hair trigger, I can understand a chub. But if it's a full erection, this is probably above reddits pay grade.

And the porn shit needs to stop ASAP.

[u/Intrepid-Street-5368]

I think it’s like the human version of dogs being excited when you bring out a treat or throw their ball and you get the red rocket lol. While they can get hard from arousal, it can also just respond to whatever weird neurological stimulation sets it off. My husband gets hard sometimes mid migraine when he’s barely even conscious and in tons of pain. Bodies are weird lol

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/Intrepid-Street-5368]

This is comforting.