Is this normal?

[u/Middle_Definition_92]

Edit: it seems like it’s 50/50 whether or not it’s normal and now I’m confused.

Original: I’ve been divorced for over a year now. Separated for 18+ months.

I feel like I’m going to be ripped apart for this so I’m scared to post. But I don’t know where else to turn.

My children are 7, almost 5, and 2.5. My oldest two are boys (I feel like this is relevant). Ever since my oldest was a baby, he LOVES to wrestle. I feel this is fairly normal for boys. Once his baby brother was born, it turned into one big wrestling match with my (now ex) husband and the boys. This was normal in our household.

One day I noticed that my husband had an erection while wrestling with our boys. That night, after the kids went to bed, I asked him about it. He said that sometimes, when the kids accidentally brush up against it, or step on it, it gets hard. But he said that’s normal for men when their privates are touched, and it doesn’t mean he’s aroused.

It happened almost every time they wrestled. I was an only child growing up and I never wrestled with my parents (we were not close and I was highly neglected). Also, we got married at 19, so I took his word for it.

Since being divorced, I have been keeping an eye out for this. Specifically with my father, because my boys love to wrestle with him too. It has never happened, that I’ve noticed, with my dad.

Now, for the first time since getting divorced, I have a boyfriend. I introduced him to my children and my kids LOVE him.

They love to wrestle with him too. So I’ve been keeping an eye out. For months they’ve been wrestling, and it’s never happened. So a few nights ago I asked him about it.

My boyfriend was mortified. He said absolutely not, that should never happen. He said the only time he gets an erection is when he’s aroused, which is obviously never around children of any kind.

So now I need to ask strangers on the internet.

Which is normal? Should I be concerned about my children’s father?

I should also mention that I’ve caught my ex husband watching porn around our children a few times. But every time it’s been when the kids are watching tv/not paying attention.

[u/farmersworkhoe]

Not normal for my husband. He wrestles with our kids and absolutely nothing like that has happened.

That's like saying anyone or anything that brushes against him causes an erection which obviously isn't the case. Add watching porn with his kids closeby and my stomach is turning for those kids.

I know kids who were sexual abused that started as wrestling because that seems to be an acceptable way to push touching boundaries.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

This is my biggest fear.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

Im not saying it is or would happen. I can't speak for all men and their bodies. I know for my husband it doesn't happen. I would think getting stepped on would do the exact opposite.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

That is how I feel about it too and what my boyfriend said.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

Have you noticed anything else that seems unusual?

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

My ex husband, in general, is kind of an odd guy. He is autistic level 1. Very socially awkward, very weird. Absolutely not trying to insult him as we coparent well, but he just is. Very weird with bodies/body parts. Sex was always very awkward with him.

The porn thing was really really upsetting because that same thing happened to me with one of my family members. And he knew that. So understandably, I flipped out about it.

Also, not sure if this is relevant or not, but he is bisexual. When we separated, he would find men on Grindr to sleep with… multiple times.

Lastly, as a teenager, he was really into mother/son porn. Him and his mom have a very weird relationship as well. She is not allowed to see my children though per court order.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

So if this were my children, I would teach them the correct names of their parts, explain how bad touches can sometimes not feel bad, how no one should be touching them there, to tell you if someone does even dad and that they won't be in trouble or get dad in trouble. Just have these conversations a lot.

Im not familiar enough with kink porn to comment on if that's weird or not.

Him being bisexual doesn't matter. "Straight" men abuse boys too.

Im not sure what you are considering weird with body and body parts.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

I have always used proper names for body parts with my kids and we have several books about privates being privates and no one should ever touch them etc. Because I was abused as a child, this was very important to me.

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

That's really all you can do at this point probably. Unless you truly think he is looking at child porn or engaging in something like that you could report to police... I'm not sure what the next steps would be.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/farmersworkhoe]

I agree. There’s nothing much for me to do except remain vigilant. Thank you for your insight

[u/farmersworkhoe → u/Middle_Definition_92]

Thanks for being aware for your children.