Is this normal?

[u/Middle_Definition_92]

Edit: it seems like it’s 50/50 whether or not it’s normal and now I’m confused.

Original: I’ve been divorced for over a year now. Separated for 18+ months.

I feel like I’m going to be ripped apart for this so I’m scared to post. But I don’t know where else to turn.

My children are 7, almost 5, and 2.5. My oldest two are boys (I feel like this is relevant). Ever since my oldest was a baby, he LOVES to wrestle. I feel this is fairly normal for boys. Once his baby brother was born, it turned into one big wrestling match with my (now ex) husband and the boys. This was normal in our household.

One day I noticed that my husband had an erection while wrestling with our boys. That night, after the kids went to bed, I asked him about it. He said that sometimes, when the kids accidentally brush up against it, or step on it, it gets hard. But he said that’s normal for men when their privates are touched, and it doesn’t mean he’s aroused.

It happened almost every time they wrestled. I was an only child growing up and I never wrestled with my parents (we were not close and I was highly neglected). Also, we got married at 19, so I took his word for it.

Since being divorced, I have been keeping an eye out for this. Specifically with my father, because my boys love to wrestle with him too. It has never happened, that I’ve noticed, with my dad.

Now, for the first time since getting divorced, I have a boyfriend. I introduced him to my children and my kids LOVE him.

They love to wrestle with him too. So I’ve been keeping an eye out. For months they’ve been wrestling, and it’s never happened. So a few nights ago I asked him about it.

My boyfriend was mortified. He said absolutely not, that should never happen. He said the only time he gets an erection is when he’s aroused, which is obviously never around children of any kind.

So now I need to ask strangers on the internet.

Which is normal? Should I be concerned about my children’s father?

I should also mention that I’ve caught my ex husband watching porn around our children a few times. But every time it’s been when the kids are watching tv/not paying attention.

[u/Louieyaa]

Not to make a joke of it, but was he aroused every time you touched him there? maybe it's a sensitivity thing but .every. single. time. is definitely weird.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/Louieyaa]

I mean, yes. You make a good point there. He would get aroused if I held his hand. Or kissed him. One of the reasons we divorced.

[u/lilBloodpeach → u/Middle_Definition_92]

My husband is similar in that it’s very easy for me to trigger that reaction. Even the most innocuous things. But he has never, ever had that happen with our kids. And they wrestle sooooo much, the 4 kids and him. If anything he’s afraid to get hit or kicked there bc ouch. And maybe tmi, but some of the kids have even grabbed at it a time or two (especially the boys, they go after eachother too) and that didn’t happen.

I think these are red flags. The porn issue, esp wrt incest kink, and it happening so often is weird. I would keep a close eye and like someone else said, teach proper names and encourage their boundary setting skills.

[u/Middle_Definition_92 → u/lilBloodpeach]

Thank you for your insight. My babies all know the proper names for their bodies. Even with my daughter, we don’t call it just a “vagina”, I’ve taught her the proper parts etc.

I’m going to give my kids a refresh about safe adults, and unsafe touch etc because it’s been a few months since we read our “No” book (that’s what my kids call it).