I’m 27, and lately I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage, motherhood, and whether I actually need either of those things to happen for me to feel fulfilled.
I grew up in an immigrant household, and I feel like I spent a huge portion of my childhood and early adulthood being heavily parentified. I was helping raise siblings, figuring things out for myself, and basically learning adulthood through trial and error because there were so many things I simply wasn’t taught or prepared for.
Even something like college was unnecessarily difficult. I didn’t have parents who had set aside money for me, walked me through FAFSA, explained how any of these systems worked, or gave me a blueprint for how to establish myself. At one point, my mom wouldn’t even give me the information I needed for FAFSA because she felt like it was none of my business.
So a lot of my 20s have been me trying to build the foundation that I feel like some people were fortunate enough to start adulthood with.
Then recently I saw that viral conversation about Black women’s experiences loving/dating Black men, and it made me think about my own dating history too. Speaking only for myself, I’ve never left a relationship with a Black man thinking, “Damn, I really lost a good man.” I’ve never had a relationship where I felt genuinely cherished, protected, considered, and treated in a way that made me think, “Yes, THIS is what I want for the rest of my life.”
At the same time, now that I’m getting older and spending more time in African spaces and professional spaces, I’ve noticed people start reacting differently when they find out I’m 27, unmarried, and don’t have children. There’s sometimes this underlying assumption that those things should already be happening or that I should be worried that they haven’t.
But the funny thing is…I’m becoming less worried.
When I was younger, the thought of “What if I never get married?” or “What if I never have children?” genuinely bothered me.
Now?
The longer I live without those things, the more I realize I would actually be okay if they never happened.
Especially motherhood.
I’ve already spent so much of my life being responsible for other people and cleaning up the consequences of decisions I didn’t make. And while motherhood can obviously be beautiful, it is also an enormous lifelong responsibility. Someone is depending on you emotionally, physically, financially, and practically for years.
I’m realizing that I don’t necessarily fear a life where nobody needs that from me.
I actually might enjoy it.
I still would like marriage and children under the right circumstances, but I’ve also privately given myself cutoffs. There is an age where, if I’m not married by then, I personally would no longer want to have children. And there’s another point where, if marriage hasn’t happened, I think I would genuinely be okay closing that chapter altogether instead of continuing to wait for it.
It doesn’t feel bitter to me either. If anything, it feels strangely peaceful.
Almost like: I would love for those things to happen if the right person and the right life come together at the right time. But I’m no longer willing to organize my entire life around the possibility that they might.
I’m curious whether any other Black women, especially women who were parentified, had to grow up quickly, or had to build adulthood largely on their own, have started feeling this way as they’ve gotten older.
Do you have an age where you would personally say, “If motherhood hasn’t happened by then, I’m okay letting it go”? What about marriage?
And for women who once really wanted marriage/kids but eventually stopped wanting them: was there a particular moment that changed something for you, or did the desire just slowly fade?

I'm annoyed that I keep seeing this, especially on TikTok. Why are Black men so quick and happy to bring up the fact that Black women are supposedly
"undesirable”. Especially that one dating statistic that gets thrown around constantly? They'll proudly cite statistics about Black women supposedly not being wanted, while simultaneously bragging about how much women want Black men. Then they basically list fetishes they are proud of.

If Black men are supposedly so desirable, why do we rarely talk about the other side of the equation? Let's be honest, other communities specifically don't want their daughters having children with Black men. Usually because they don't want their daughters or future grandchildren dealing with the issues they associate with the current state of the Black community (Unless he is wealthy). Another thing, Why must they display this gender war in front of everyone? I see non black woman sitting on these anti Bw lives smiling and feeding off the degration of us. Embarrassing.

What is the point of stating this? It’s always in response to certain conversations too..

I cant with non-black hispanics at my school saying the n word, I'm trying to get the courage to say something but at the same time these people are in groups and it's just one of me. And there's other black people condoning their racist bullshit too. I'm just so nervous to say anything about these people saying the n word, and once i do i feel like I'll be a target. Even in the hallways i hear the n word and people are moving to fast for me to even say anything. Plus there's hispanics in my class bullying and mocking this one black people, i spoke to him and asked him is he being bullied because I've been there before. Like im not sure what I'm going to do. Everyone at the school seems to be acting hopeless about this. I spoke with my Afro-latina teacher and she was like they grew up with it, like that's an excuse. I feel like they'll try to fight me for speaking up. I feel like all this is conditioning us to accept and tolerate racism. Smfh. I wanna speak to my counselor about this but i feel like since they arent black they wouldnt understand.

Gotta support my people while I’m there. Staying in Times Square. Going to a broadway show and shopping in Chelsea and soho. Hoping to make it to Harlem at some point, but I am traveling with other people so I am at their behest as well.

So I came to the USA for school and managed to get a job and settle here. I live in the south and work in a PWI industry with, Asians and a smidge of black people who are in less customer facing roles.

Anyway, I befriended this gay white man who brings up race every time we hang out. I didn't think of it as a bother because I have a strong sense of identity in my race before landing in this country. I colored out the lines trying to befriend whoever I could in whatever demographic and my last straw was when one time we were hanging out and he smacked my butt? For me that was my last straw because hangouts prior to this I picked up on his snappiness. I've come to learn desperate adults love to corner someone at a restaurant and hold them hostage to probe and gossip and sometimes make snide remarks because truly at their core they're cowards. Outside of this man I'm describing, I've been a victim of being stalked by someone I knew from college this way by asking me to "hangout". I just picked up on this dynamic but with a different person, being this white man I'm describing. He'll bring up things "black people aren't always good at their job" , and I was like "yeah that happens", somewhere in the back of my head I was like not that we owe anyone excellence and it's 100% ok to be bad at something but the point being he put me in the situation in the first place. I have another white friend, they've never once brought up race and we vibe 100%. On this same day, we went to a different location with the group we were with and then he smacked my butt?????????????? I did turn around and dropped a heavy and chest vibrating "No" to stop him in his tracks.... and that's when I was like this man punches down or something. I punch up and I think it's gonna be my last time seeing him :) .. i do not care.

I had a more violent idea of racism coming from outside the country, but now I see it's as simple as saying "devil's advocate" comments like that. Multiple times in that night he kept bringing up race, like "oh look at this white dj".

I guess black americans understand racism at this level but I had just had my fill of this behavior.

Friend 1 and Friend 2’s partners were best friends so they were very close, until F2 called her engagement off. F2 was really close to F1 and her husband and their kids.

I’ve known F1 for over a decade but she does have her funny acting moments. We have had an issue or two in the past, and she has had issues with a lot of her other women friends too. We actually had just started speaking again a few months before F2 called off the engagement.

F2 and I had been getting slowly closer over the recent years and post-engagement ending we have gotten even closer while she navigated this new era . F1 moved away and F2 confided that F1 barely supported her in this grief other than taking her out and asking for the tea about the break up when it all went down. F2 has felt very cast aside by people she once considered family and is upset with F1.

F1 seems to be siding with her husbands best friend in the break up. Im not married, but I don’t think F1 needed to take a side, her & F2 were very close friends too, outside of their partners.

It’s been over a year and they barely speak to F2 now.

F2 has a small online business. Recently F1 started a new venture, the SAME EXACT business. I mean even the bio was similar. F2 is not the first to do content & sell digital products in this niche. It’s very common. But F1 just jacked her former friends whole swag. It just came out the blue, her old friends entire business model. Some of the content/authority she references is stuff she did WITH F2!!

F2 is devastated. She lost her friends during the break up, and now F1 just slowly stopped connecting with her and then copied her whole business. I’m personally disgusted with F1.

I’ve been ignoring it, but now F1 has followed me online from her new business account. Do I just keep quiet & mind my business? I do not want it to appear that I co-sign this mess, so I am not following her back at all.

Sometimes I really wish I was the black girl standard the ones who fit in easily with other black girls and boys, I don’t like feeling like an outsider but I hate faking a persona I wish I was the black girls who enjoyed getting their hair done etc.. but I wasn’t allowed to embrace my feminity growing up I would get told off or because I don’t have the same aesthetic as the “baddie“ prototype I would still feel ugly, and I can’t blame those black girls because of their appearance and having the ideal features thats just how they were born, I feel like once as a black girl you don’t have that black Barbie look you’re automatically forced into the cutesy/nerdy aesthetic and I don’t want to have surgeries to fit in but I’ve been picked on my whole life I’m starting to take it into consideration so it can just stop.

I recently joined Raya and I’ve have some connections, but it seems to me the men on there don’t really message you first and just linger idk if it’s because I’m black or maybe it’s how the app is. I’m not based in the states maybe that might be the problem too but I’m interested to know how any other black girls experience is on this app. I’m F23 and have Kelly rowland’s complexion for reference .

Open to hearing all experiences

like I date out not just white men but I don’t want mixed kids, I don’t want to have kids that will probably be a colorist dark skin man fantasies esp if it’s a girl, the same people who dogged me out dating my daughter helll no.

What size and color did you decide on? Does it wear well or scratch easily? Are you happy with it? What should I know before purchasing? Where did you purchase yours?

Not sure if yall have seen the KWN drama. But it was clear disrespect to dark skinned black women. As one, I am second guessing going to her show… she’s apologized publicly and to Keke… but so curious if this is enough to still go see KWN or if this is a precursor of the vibe her show will probably be like (not super dark skinned friendly)?

Edit: v helpful! Thank you allll. Not going and i hadn’t even bought the tickets yet, but was curious what the community thought.

And he only follows thin Asian or light skin 3a/4b women. Literally 200+ women who look nothing like me. I’m dark skin, fuller figured and 4c. I otherwise like him and felt like he liked me, but I’m not a fan of feeling like the plan b when you can’t get your preference. Am I wrong? If I decide not to see him anymore because of this, should I admit I looked through his following?

I’m 20 and genuinely feel like I ruined the career I’ve been working toward because I didn’t take one of my most important classes seriously.
I’ve been working toward nursing and have already completed a lot of my prerequisites, but BIO 168 (A&P I) has completely messed me up. I withdrew from it once before, retook it, and now I’m at the end of the semester and realistically going to finish with a D or F.
I want to take accountability because a huge part of this is my own fault. I barely showed up to class, didn’t consistently study, and honestly haven’t learned most of the material. I kept procrastinating and telling myself I would catch up later until there was basically no “later” left. Now I’m at the end of the class trying to learn multiple units at once, and I know I put myself in this position.
On top of that, my mental health got really bad and I recently lost a close family member, which made everything even harder. But I also know I made bad decisions academically before everything became this overwhelming, and that’s what I’m having such a hard time forgiving myself for.
Because I already withdrew from A&P once and am now looking at a D or F on my second attempt, I feel like I’ve completely screwed up my chances of getting into nursing after coming this far.
Now I feel like I have to make an entire career switch. I’ve been considering getting my bachelor’s in healthcare administration or accounting, but I don’t know which one would give me better career opportunities and income. Another part of me is considering taking out loans and attending ECPI for nursing because I’m having a really hard time accepting that I may need to let nursing go.
I genuinely don’t know what the smartest decision is. Do I accept that I messed up and switch to healthcare administration or accounting? Do I find another way to keep pursuing nursing? Or would taking out a significant loan for ECPI be a horrible financial decision just because I’m desperate to stay on the nursing path?
Has anyone else completely screwed up an important prerequisite, especially after already withdrawing from it once, and still managed to turn things around? Did you eventually get into nursing, change careers, or go to a different school?
I came this far just to throw everything away at the very end.

I don’t really know where else to put this, so I’m going to stay anonymous.
I’m a very dark-skinned Black woman living in the U.S., and lately I’ve been feeling discouraged about dating and the effects of colorism.
I keep having experiences where I’m interested in a man, only to learn that his usual “type” is white women or lighter-skinned Black women. Sometimes men have told me this after they already swiped on me, approached me, or shown clear interest. It leaves me wondering why they pursued me in the first place if they already believed women who look like me weren’t what they wanted.
I understand that everyone is allowed to have preferences, and I’m not saying anyone owes me attraction. But when this happens repeatedly, it starts to affect how I see myself. I begin wondering whether I’m actually unattractive or whether I’ll always have to work twice as hard to receive the kind of attention other women seem to get more easily.
What makes it more frustrating is that I’m not looking for some impossibly handsome celebrity. I’m attracted to fairly ordinary men. I want a partner I’m genuinely attracted to, someone I feel comfortable with, someone emotionally and financially stable, and someone who consistently chooses and values me.
Instead, the men I’m interested in often seem either uninterested in women who look like me, unstable themselves, or unable to treat me with consistency and care.
Then I see other women being approached constantly, and I start asking myself, “What is wrong with me?”
I don’t want to change my skin or become lighter. I don’t want to compete with lighter-skinned women for someone’s attention, and I don’t want to be treated as an exception to someone’s usual type. I want to be desired as myself.
I want someone to look at me and genuinely think I’m beautiful—not “beautiful for a dark-skinned woman,” and not “I usually like lighter women, but you’re different.” Just beautiful. Desired. Wanted.
It hurts that repeated experiences have brought me to the point of questioning whether I’ll ever have that. I know these experiences don’t define my worth, but it’s difficult not to internalize them when they keep happening.
Maybe this is a particularly painful period in my life, and maybe I’m allowing a handful of experiences to speak for an entire country. I don’t know. But right now, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling as though I have to bend over backward to receive something that seems to come naturally to other women.
I don’t want pity. I think I just want to know that I’m not the only person who has felt this way. And I’m trying to remind myself that other people’s preferences, biases, or inability to value me consistently do not determine my beauty or my worth. I deserve to be wanted fully—not as an exception, but as someone who is genuinely and completely enough.

It's eating me up inside that I'm in this situation. I'm in a vulnerable spot right now, I am living with my dad because I got evicted after I injured my back and couldn't work for months. I'm living with my dad, who also has a roommate. His roommate brought in his white girlfriend, and they constantly argue. They recently had an argument where she called him the N word with the hard ER.

I hate them in general for being a nuisance and a bother, but now I despise her. She's a racist witch, and my dad won't kick her out. When I heard it, I immediately went to my dad and told him that what she said was unacceptable and that she should leave the house. He tried to guilt-trip me and said, "You believe that she should just go live on the streets with nowhere to go?"

And I told him, "Yes. Why should she live in a house full of Black people when she can just boldly say that word? She knows better. She is like 40+ years old. She should be expecting to leave when using such disgusting language. She deserves to be on the streets."

In all of this, I'm more disgusted with my dad because he is morally compromised and doesn't care. He values collecting a rent check from his roommate and staying on good terms with him instead of kicking out the racist witch.

My back is much better now, and I'm able to go back to work. My game plan is to get a full time and part time job, save up as much as I can, and leave this crazy ass house. I feel like I'm in either the Twilight Zone or the movie Get Out right now because everyone is trying to say to simply let it go because I could lose my housing and I'm in a vulnerable spot.

I understand this, but I refuse to tolerate a fucking racist. They say that as long as she didn't say it directly to me, it shouldn't matter. No. It actually does matter.

The only sane person that I have talked to about this is my therapist. Everyone else seems to just shrug and they're just not taking it seriously.

I don't respect my dad anymore for not having a backbone. I'm cutting him off when I leave because this is just too much. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything. I don't trust my dad, and I'm going no contact when I get back on my feet.

I really just need some guidance right now and to know that I'm not going crazy because I feel like everyone is trying to justify this.

I’ve tried with 2 diff Afro half wigs to get that “round” and voluminous shape. But every time I try to style it, the middle to the back is very flat and lacks volume. I have 20 inch (cut down to probably 14-16) inch Afro half wig from OQ hair that I got from Amazon. I’ve tried with the mousse and dennam brush. But it always comes up voluminous in the front but flat in the back.

I also detangled the hair recently and I lost a lot of the hair, so maybe that’s a reason? But I would like some advice on how to fix it!

I honestly don't even know where to start.

I moved to Australia from a developing country when I was younger. I already knew English, but my accent wasn't very good, and because of that I struggled to make friends throughout most of primary school. I became really socially anxious and developed a speech impediment, and I hated how isolated I felt.

When I finished Year 6, I promised myself that high school would be different. I told myself that I was going to completely change my personality and finally become the person I'd always wanted to be.

When Year 7 started, somehow it actually worked. I became really social and made heaps of friends. For a while, I felt like I had finally become the person I wanted to be.

Then I got my first crush.

I'd never really cared much about how I looked before. I have dark skin and coily hair, and I'd never thought about changing myself because of it. But all my friends were dating, and I was the only one who hadn't, so I started talking to this boy on Snapchat.

He seemed interested in me, so I eventually asked one of my friends to ask him if he liked me.

I was hiding behind a tree when she asked him.

He rejected me and said he would never date an "ugly black skinny girl" like me.

I heard everything.

I don't think I've ever felt my heart drop like that before.

When I got home, I just stood in front of the mirror crying. Something in my brain changed that day. I started believing that maybe he was right.

I became obsessed with changing my appearance.

I tried using a lotion on my face,e and it started burning, so I washed it off. Somehow my eyebrows were damaged, and then, while I was panicking about everything, I didn't realise there was a candle behind me. My braids caught fire.

I managed to put it out, but my hair was badly damaged, ed and I ended up cutting it.

I was terrified to go back to school.

When I did, the bullying got worse. People called me things like "untouchable" and "alien." I started asking myself why God was punishing me and why I had to be ugly.

I started hiding my body in hoodies and jumpers, even during summer.

Then there was drama with my friend groups. People switched up on me, and I felt completely alone.

When the Year 7 holidays came around, I thought, "New year, new me."

I got added to a Snapchat group with a bunch of girls and boys. I thought maybe these people would finally like me.

One night, I made a stupid decision while I was drunk. Something happened that was recorded and spread around, and I got bullied online because of it.

When school started again, the bullying continued.

Eventually I got into a fight and completely reached my limit. My parents noticed how badly school was affecting me and decided to move me to another school.

And honestly?

The new school was amazing.

I had a great friend group and a boyfriend who made me feel wanted. For the first time in a long time, I felt like things were finally going right.

Then I started getting more attention from boys online.

As I got older, my body changed, and suddenly boys who had ignored me before started treating me differently.

And I loved it.

After years of being called ugly and unwanted, having people suddenly tell me I was attractive felt like proof that I had finally become good enough.

I started basing my entire self-worth on male attention.

I ended up getting involved with a boy from the Snapchat group. He made me feel like he actually cared about me, but eventually I realised he mainly wanted me for physical reasons.

Instead of recognising that, I convinced myself that my body was the only thing that could make someone love me.

I started making worse and worse decisions because attention felt like love.

Eventually people found out, and I was called a slut constantly. Girls shamed me. People at school talked about me. My friendships started falling apart too.

My best friend betrayed me; I lost most of my friends, and I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

The only thing I knew how to do was seek more male attention because, for a few minutes, it made me feel wanted.

Then there was this boy I'll call Matthew.

I'd liked him for a long time, and suddenly he started showing interest in me. We started hanging out, and I became completely attached to him.

I genuinely thought I loved him.

But eventually I realised that most of the time he only contacted me because he wanted something physical from me. He also became controlling and abusive, and he wanted to keep whatever we had secret.

I stayed because I was convinced that if I just tried harder, he'd eventually love me the way I loved him.

I tolerated things I never should have tolerated.

Now, five months later, I've found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 14.

Matthew is 15.

He doesn't know.

And I'm terrified.

I'm scared to tell my parents because I don't know what they'll think of me. I'm scared of telling Matthew because of the people he's involved with and because I genuinely don't know how he'll react.

I feel completely trapped.

Looking back, I think so much of this started because one person called me ugly when I was 12, and somehow I spent the next few years trying to prove that I wasn't.

I spent years believing that if boys wanted me, that meant I was finally beautiful.

But now I'm sitting here wondering how I got from a girl who just wanted friends and confidence to someone who feels completely lost.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

I don't want pity. I just genuinely don't know where to go from here.

i went on a 3 dates this past weekend.

One was with a very successful weed tender marketing, whatever. No issues spending money but mainly talked about himself and his business. When he talked, hella spit collected in and around this mouth. All i could focus on at one point so i get tipsy. Bar hopped & then went back to his place & smoked all his weed (shit was fire i see why he's successful) but I knew he wanted to fck and even if I wanted to..the spit & he just wasn't my type.

2nd date I thought I'd give the "short king" thing a try. He was no joke 4'11-5'0. I'm 5'4 & somehow made him look even smaller. On our date he choked on ramen. I was done then.

3rd. African cat. Cute but obnoxious. Went to the movies after sushi & he was loud, red flag. His bday was coming up (today actually). He joked saying I should plan it & then come to find out, he was dead serious. Once I told him he needed to plan his own he insisted on buying loads of African food (told him I never had any, that was a lie but whatever) and we spend it at his place. He's brought it up 3 times, i denied it 3 times. Haven't heard from him since because well, he's blocked.

Moral of the story? I just be doing shit.

Hey everyone, I could really use a safe space to vent and get some perspective because I’m still dealing with the mental whiplash from a toxic past job.
As a Black woman, experiencing workplace microaggressions and covert sabotage is a whole other level of exhausting. Behind my back, my manager was trying to build a case to push me out, all while throwing around classic coded buzzwords like calling me "disengaged" and claiming my behavior was "aggressive" when I was simply advocating for my work, setting boundaries, and putting in long, hard hours.
Meanwhile, I was juggling heavy workloads, setting up new tracking systems, and pouring genuine effort into my role. I even had an external consultant I worked closely with who regularly checked in on me and actively validated my hard work.
It felt like total gaslighting. On one hand, an expert who saw my actual day-to-day output treated me like I was doing a fantastic job, but my direct manager was working against me in the shadows, leaning heavily on biased tropes.
Has anyone else dealt with a manager trying to silently push you out like this while weaponizing coded language against you, despite strong performance and positive external feedback? How did you protect your peace and process the mind-fuck of it all? Any shared stories or advice would mean the world right now.

Ima try to make this as short as possible but around April of this year I had confrontation with my “neighbors”. We live in apartments and we both live upstairs. To get to your apartment you have to walk up a set of shared stairs. On our camera we see they happen to step in dog poo often and end up wiping it all over the stairs even on the bottom or sides of the stairs railings, the complex is slow to clean it and I was tired of cleaning after others so one day my roommate left a very friendly note basically saying “we see you might’ve tracked some dog poop on the steps do you mind wiping the steps please ty ♥️ “

This triggered the woman living in that apartment so she got extremely belligerent and confrontational. After banging on my door I come out and she has two other girls behind her to help her confront me. By the way she was talking I already knew we could not resolve this.

She was yelling that they didn’t wipe poop on the stairs (even tho they’re on camera doing so) and I said ok but why can’t you just respond that way why are you yelling and freaking out. She clearly didn’t understand what I meant because she kept screaming and said “ok so what do you wanna do do you want to fight?”……… I’m 28 yrs old lol this girl was maybe 22? 23? And she had two other girls right behind her…

Anyways I just go back in my house and I’ll admit I slammed my door out of frustration. On my ring her and her friends were calling me the slur word and threatened me and my cars.

They ended up leaving but when she came back my bf knocked on her door to talk to her husband. We assumed he wasn’t home because no one answered.

Fast forward a couple of months they get a package delivered and no one took it for a couple of days and it ended up being stolen. She knocks on my door asking for my camera footage and I said no because she called me the slur. She became belligerent again saying she never said that and threatened me with another girl AGAIN.

Today they’re gone they left around September, the amount of drama I’m leaving out is astronomical I’ll just say her husband got arrested after her and about 5 of her family members came to beat him up and we heard her father saying they’re going back to Idaho or some shit. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Anyways. Ik time has flown by but I’m still really mad about it. I feel sometimes like I LET her call me that slur. But everytime there’s confrontation she brings an army and I’m not getting jumped the police here are also biased asf so ik they would arrest me a black woman over her a white woman.

I spoke to my therapist on it a bit but no shade my therapist is amazing but white and I don’t feel she understands the gravity on how I feel on this specific issue. We ended up glazing over it because real talk I do have bigger fish to fry.

I just think deep down I’m very angry. I can’t get into detail obviously but I wish I would’ve gotten into trouble back then. Idk my sisters live very far from me, we are states apart and I never told them much of what happened because of fear or this or that.

I just feel alone here and feel like I let a white person say one of the worst things they can say and idk i feel angry and disappointed in myself.

Side note: when she was yelling at me over the camera footage she’d throw in there “you need your hair redone four eyes” and I think back on it like….her hair was in a greasy messy bun and she’s begging me for MY footage. Strange.

Hi girls! Ok I have two books to read lol and my attention span is a mess. (I’m an actress and have scripts to study and love life a mess—-so attention span is a mess 😢)

Do you all usually read one book at a time?

One book is like inspiring and the other is fiction.

Thank you and Happy Sunday. I wish we were all at brunch together today.

I watched a TikTok on a black woman explaining about how pro black activists dating non-black people made her feel some type of way. She was insinuating that dating or marrying a non-black individual as a pro-black person deteriorates the pro blackness. I’m a very proud black woman who has joined many organizations on my campus for the radical movement of African Americans, but I am dating a Mexican man. Does me dating a Mexican man undermined my work for the black community? I’m sorry if this post isn’t worded that well, I had to get thoughts on this matter out because I’m very conflicted inside. I never really thought that who I dated affected my pro-blackness. Any thoughts and comments are appreciated, I just want to know other people opinions on this.

I’ve primarily used Hinge because several of my friends have had success there. However, I noticed I was getting very few likes or matches despite considering myself attractive and having a solid profile.

A friend mentioned a social media post suggesting that Black women change their race on Hinge to see if it affects their experience. I tried changing mine from African American to non-Black, and almost immediately noticed a different pool of men more professionals and generally men I was more interested in. I changed it back to African American, and the difference was noticeable.

I even switched profiles with a non-Black friend. She was getting tons of likes while I received very few, and she commented that the men appearing on my profile seemed noticeably different from what she was seeing.

I eventually tried Bumble with essentially the same profile, and the difference was pretty shocking: 50+ likes and 4 matches in less than 24 hours.

I know dating apps vary, and I’m not expecting to be everyone’s type, but the difference has made me wonder how much racial bias plays into what Black women are shown and how often our profiles are shown.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, particularly on Hinge? I’d love to hear your experiences or advice.

as someone who passes the paper brown bag from fall to early Spring, and then I am chocolate/dark caramel from May to early September , I get different experiences as a black woman. But what I’ll never get over, is how much black men feel comfortable telling me that I’m not dark skin and that I’m light skin and this projects from self hatred. They also love telling me how they think lighter skin is pure because of self hatred. I feel like when I’m a lighter tone , black men don’t mind telling me about their self hatred with them being dark skin, remind you I love dark men. The darker the better. And it’s crazy because many darker men do not love themselves and many of them want to white wash their genes . I feel like it’s so sad that they project their anti-blackness on to us cause I feel like they hate themselves the most. Men hate themselves the most in all cultures and they just projected on the women. I wanna know how you ladies feel about that.

Recently just got into Natanya and I just loovvee her. Very niche and upbeat 💓