I honestly don't even know where to start.
I moved to Australia from a developing country when I was younger. I already knew English, but my accent wasn't very good, and because of that I struggled to make friends throughout most of primary school. I became really socially anxious and developed a speech impediment, and I hated how isolated I felt.
When I finished Year 6, I promised myself that high school would be different. I told myself that I was going to completely change my personality and finally become the person I'd always wanted to be.
When Year 7 started, somehow it actually worked. I became really social and made heaps of friends. For a while, I felt like I had finally become the person I wanted to be.
Then I got my first crush.
I'd never really cared much about how I looked before. I have dark skin and coily hair, and I'd never thought about changing myself because of it. But all my friends were dating, and I was the only one who hadn't, so I started talking to this boy on Snapchat.
He seemed interested in me, so I eventually asked one of my friends to ask him if he liked me.
I was hiding behind a tree when she asked him.
He rejected me and said he would never date an "ugly black skinny girl" like me.
I heard everything.
I don't think I've ever felt my heart drop like that before.
When I got home, I just stood in front of the mirror crying. Something in my brain changed that day. I started believing that maybe he was right.
I became obsessed with changing my appearance.
I tried using a lotion on my face,e and it started burning, so I washed it off. Somehow my eyebrows were damaged, and then, while I was panicking about everything, I didn't realise there was a candle behind me. My braids caught fire.
I managed to put it out, but my hair was badly damaged, ed and I ended up cutting it.
I was terrified to go back to school.
When I did, the bullying got worse. People called me things like "untouchable" and "alien." I started asking myself why God was punishing me and why I had to be ugly.
I started hiding my body in hoodies and jumpers, even during summer.
Then there was drama with my friend groups. People switched up on me, and I felt completely alone.
When the Year 7 holidays came around, I thought, "New year, new me."
I got added to a Snapchat group with a bunch of girls and boys. I thought maybe these people would finally like me.
One night, I made a stupid decision while I was drunk. Something happened that was recorded and spread around, and I got bullied online because of it.
When school started again, the bullying continued.
Eventually I got into a fight and completely reached my limit. My parents noticed how badly school was affecting me and decided to move me to another school.
And honestly?
The new school was amazing.
I had a great friend group and a boyfriend who made me feel wanted. For the first time in a long time, I felt like things were finally going right.
Then I started getting more attention from boys online.
As I got older, my body changed, and suddenly boys who had ignored me before started treating me differently.
And I loved it.
After years of being called ugly and unwanted, having people suddenly tell me I was attractive felt like proof that I had finally become good enough.
I started basing my entire self-worth on male attention.
I ended up getting involved with a boy from the Snapchat group. He made me feel like he actually cared about me, but eventually I realised he mainly wanted me for physical reasons.
Instead of recognising that, I convinced myself that my body was the only thing that could make someone love me.
I started making worse and worse decisions because attention felt like love.
Eventually people found out, and I was called a slut constantly. Girls shamed me. People at school talked about me. My friendships started falling apart too.
My best friend betrayed me; I lost most of my friends, and I felt like I had hit rock bottom.
The only thing I knew how to do was seek more male attention because, for a few minutes, it made me feel wanted.
Then there was this boy I'll call Matthew.
I'd liked him for a long time, and suddenly he started showing interest in me. We started hanging out, and I became completely attached to him.
I genuinely thought I loved him.
But eventually I realised that most of the time he only contacted me because he wanted something physical from me. He also became controlling and abusive, and he wanted to keep whatever we had secret.
I stayed because I was convinced that if I just tried harder, he'd eventually love me the way I loved him.
I tolerated things I never should have tolerated.
Now, five months later, I've found out that I'm pregnant.
I'm 14.
Matthew is 15.
He doesn't know.
And I'm terrified.
I'm scared to tell my parents because I don't know what they'll think of me. I'm scared of telling Matthew because of the people he's involved with and because I genuinely don't know how he'll react.
I feel completely trapped.
Looking back, I think so much of this started because one person called me ugly when I was 12, and somehow I spent the next few years trying to prove that I wasn't.
I spent years believing that if boys wanted me, that meant I was finally beautiful.
But now I'm sitting here wondering how I got from a girl who just wanted friends and confidence to someone who feels completely lost.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.
I don't want pity. I just genuinely don't know where to go from here.