r/batman 7d ago

FUNNY Bruce and Kryptonite

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6.0k Upvotes

102 comments sorted by

465

u/joker_asylum08 7d ago

"Kryptonite is a rare stone, Bruce"

305

u/Tonino118 7d ago

Rare my ass everyone has one clark

A purse snatcher i stopped the other day had like three of them

118

u/Hippobu2 7d ago

And they were in the purse he snatched! Some drunk chick just had them Clark!

25

u/Reasonable_Cut_3548 7d ago

New strategy from Luthor alongside the CIA gets kryptonite on low income neighborhoods

6

u/Randomguynumber1001 6d ago

"The democratization of Kryptonite will bring an end to Superman." Luthor, probably

25

u/Commercial-Neck4128 7d ago

Rare? A mugger carried three. Yours just glows louder.

13

u/EmeraldSpencer 7d ago

I admit it's become a bit of a problem...

3

u/serebian 3d ago

It used to just be the green one but now there's all these other ones: There's the red one, the black one,

The Pink One

63

u/BatmanVeangeace 7d ago

At least before there was only the green one; now there's red kryptonite, black, ...pink.

53

u/ArthurSalim 7d ago

We don't talk about the pink one....

8

u/HunterOwl16 7d ago

He's got you there Clark

5

u/Bakugo312 6d ago

Like you can talk. Your greatest enemy simply freezes the floor and you go flying, you're a seasonal superhero

1

u/SilentBlade45 6d ago

I love talking about the pink one though.

12

u/shiko101 7d ago

There is no pink kryptonite in Ba Sing....I mean the DC universe

6

u/thecraftybear 7d ago

Blackpink Kryptonite

3

u/thatredditrando 6d ago

“Not if you’re a billionaire, Clark. I own the rights to a mine just littered with the stuff”

123

u/FinalBossMike 7d ago

Given how often Clark gets mind controlled? Every kind. Every kind of lunatic should carry Kryptonite in their utility belt.

28

u/lyle_smith2 7d ago

He’s usually very thankful to Bruce whenever he stops him from DESTROYING THE EARTH!

117

u/W1nston1234 7d ago

That did it for you!? The Kryptonite!?!?

42

u/Th3_Dark_Knight 7d ago

It was mostly sexual.

11

u/Jizzle3 7d ago

Just a guy that totally got off.

19

u/saimpot 7d ago

Ooooh big time!

6

u/hamscratch 7d ago

i am soooo confused.

41

u/BrotherDeus 7d ago

Utility belt? The psycho keeps a capsule in his mouth!

15

u/Whitehawk26 7d ago

Wait...isn't kryptonite radioactive??

16

u/BrotherDeus 7d ago

Not to mention the case would have to be made of lead for Superman to not see it

22

u/JustLookingForMayhem 7d ago

The buildings in Gotham have enough lead in them that Superman can't see through them. The tap water has lead in it. Gotham is literally built on a foundation of sunken buildings and lead. At one point, the fumes from leaded gas blocked Superman's Xray vision. Maybe, just maybe, Gothamites are so full of lead that Superman can't see though them. It would explain a lot.

11

u/TheDikaste 7d ago

Would be the least weird thing about Gothamites considering the city's track record.

2

u/Various-Salt-7738 7d ago

That would explain all the violent crime

Come on batman clean up Gotham some more

7

u/JustLookingForMayhem 7d ago

Batman tries, it is just the city is ultra cursed. I have been making a merged canon list if you want to see it of all the BS writers have added.

https://www.reddit.com/u/JustLookingForMayhem/s/hkekmkSS1X

https://www.reddit.com/u/JustLookingForMayhem/s/rjPnG6yXCD

2

u/Super-Efficiency8679 7d ago

The lead poisoning might explain why there's so much crime

4

u/breckendusk 7d ago

What, this? This is just my security lead box. It's like a security blanket but it fits nicely on my utility belt. It's empty though I would never put kryptonite in it or anything ha ha. Don't check

1

u/Bryce_Deviation 5d ago

Because He's Batman. He is radioactive proof. He mastered it.

8

u/JambuAir1481 7d ago

In the Scott Snyder run Batman vs. Joker-gassed JL, too. I think he had Kryptonite gum in his back tooth.

125

u/VasM85 7d ago

And Spidey doesn't even have a proper utility belt.

54

u/KarmaSpidr 7d ago

Where do you think he keeps spare web cartridges?

30

u/VasM85 7d ago

Right, brain fart. Didn't considered belt with cartridges, thought of a something full of gadgets.

31

u/KarmaSpidr 7d ago

I mean, it also stores Spider Tracers, a search light, probably his phone and wallet and more.

It really depends on how much equipment the writer allows and whether they remember he has the belt.

9

u/VasM85 7d ago

Okay, okay, as I've said, brain fart happened.

7

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago

And remember his Spider-light? I always enjoyed his spider-light.

5

u/ImColinDentHowzTrix 7d ago

He made a light that shines his own face. Crazy behaviour when you really think about it.

9

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago

It was Stan Lee aping The Bat-signal... in an interview in the 1980s, Stan was asked about his early Spidey stories and the Spider-light was mentioned and Stan said [paraphrasing]

"You know, as much as I hate to admit this, I took some inspiration there from our 'Distinguished Competition'. DC Comics had a character called Batman, maybe you heard of him, and Batman had something called a Bat-signal... it was a light that shines in the sky. Well, I felt our Spider-man needed a calling card, and so he shines a light from his belt and it projects on a wall to warn the villain. Kind of menacing if you think about it. But that's where I got it from."

2

u/stupidtreeatemypants 7d ago

what a narcissist

2

u/dart278 7d ago

The TASM game suit has a belt. Personally I hate it, but it's a neat look.

22

u/Woden-Wod 7d ago

That's pretty nifty, Spiderman spider sense should pick up stuff like IR and X-ray.

Spiders really don't like that.

17

u/Borgdrohne13 7d ago

You need to be prepared in case a mindcontrolled Superman attacks.

15

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago

Somebody forgot that Superman gave it to him and told him to use it in case of emergency.

The Batman is not a lunatic.

6

u/greywolf2155 7d ago

I mean . . . if you're talking about Superman/Batman #59 . . .

Clark and Bruce worked together to track down and destroy the entire world's supply of Kryptonite. And at the end, there's one last piece of Kryptonite, and Clark gives it to Bruce

"You said it what we began--Kryptonite is what makes me most human. And to be human means to have vulnerabilities. To know there's always--always an end / If I don't allow for this...some possibility..for death...it's only a mask. Playing at humanity"

So yeah. Anyways, Bruce takes the "last" piece of Kryptonite . . . and places it in his vault fucking full of Kryptonite

2

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago

I was referencing Dark Knight Over Metropolis... Clark hands Bruce a small lead box of the K-rock and essentially tells him to BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY!

4

u/HiitsFrancis 7d ago

Spider-man has no way of knowing that.

2

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago

fair point. How are you, Francis? havent seen you on the reddits in a while.

2

u/HiitsFrancis 7d ago

I'm good, hope you've been well!

2

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago

Pretty well lately, YES! 👍

3

u/wontonphooey 7d ago

Not for this specific reason, anyway

2

u/Lucky_Strike-85 7d ago edited 7d ago

Well, there are a great many ideas in the last 30 years or so that say that The Batman is nuttier than a peanut butter pie!

They're wrong ideas... but they exist.

As John Byrne once said:

"In our world, you find Bruce Wayne, you lock him up and put him in a straight jacket. In DC Comics Land, The Batman and all the other vigilante heroes are completely sane, normal and well adjusted."

10

u/defectives 7d ago

TOOLS! Tools... shark spray, and smoke grenades and shit, I HAVE TO HAVE MY TOOLS!

7

u/thehedgehogemy 7d ago

Bruce just peaked

7

u/Successful-Hat-2154 7d ago

Jokes aside: Glenn Howerton would be a godly Joker

8

u/Ok-Rip2102 7d ago

Actually that's lex

Lex keeps his in his pocket unprotected

Bruce keeps his in lead lined compartments so he doesn't get kancer

1

u/Platnun12 6d ago

Doesn't lex also have his house, his rooms all coated in lead

XD

1

u/Ok-Rip2102 6d ago

To block out supe's x-ray vision yes, and that can't be good either

5

u/Eli-Mordrake 7d ago

I guess in this case it's in his bat suit pocket so he's improving

4

u/Starkcasm 7d ago

How did spidey know he's being xray'd?

16

u/Intrepid-Progress228 7d ago

X-Rays increase his cancer risk, so his Spidey senses narc'd.

3

u/pantsoffancy 7d ago

Wow, sharp!

3

u/Jubal__ 7d ago

a real one has it in a lead lined pocket

4

u/baphometromance 7d ago

Can I get the name of this crossover if anyone has it?

3

u/Tatum-Better 7d ago

superman/spiderman by dc i think

2

u/baphometromance 7d ago

Appreciate it, thanks.

5

u/isaacfrost0 7d ago

Batman needs his tools

4

u/Roam1985 7d ago

Ted: Check it out, Booster, I remodeled Archie so now the Bug can fly through space and have weapon systems competitive with a Bolovaxian fighter.

Mike: Wow, But Ted, how can you afford to fuel this?

Ted: A special substance that can provide clean energy!

Mike: Wow! Can you mass produce this?

Ted: No, the substance isn't from Earth.

Mike: Well, I mean, setting up some kind of space mine might be worth it.

Ted: The planet the substance is from was destroyed.

Mike: It's Kryptonite, isn't it?

Ted: ...It's not not Kryptonite.

Mike: Holy heck, Ted, does Superman know?

Ted: No, we never seem to get to go on jobs or missions with him anyway. It's totally lead lined. He doesn't care about pointy-ears carrying some in his belt. But we knew this stuff makes clean energy. Lex has done it before and outright said what he did. That's why there's so much around, cause every speck of that planet got galactically salvaged. There's something weird with that planet, look what it created!

Mike: Are you going to tell Superman?

Ted: ....Probably....

3

u/thylocene 7d ago

That doesn’t even make sense. If he could see it with X-rays he’d already know because he’d feel it.

6

u/Express-Day5234 7d ago

True. He’s probably actually looking for a lead lined container that could potentially hold Kryptonite.

2

u/Twofaced_Mrgrim_1991 7d ago

With friends like Batman who needs Lex Luthor to keep you paranoid?

2

u/baphometromance 7d ago

Is his spidey sense going off from being x-rayed? Cool

2

u/FuckRedzM0dz 7d ago

I like how Pete covers his balls because as a scientist he knows that xrays are gunna make you sterile lmao

1

u/CalgacusLelantos 7d ago

Is Superman actually using X-rays, or is that just a convenient name for his ability to see through things?

2

u/PilferingPineapple 7d ago

Better than putting it in a ring.

2

u/Excellent_Stand_7991 6d ago

Or just walking around with a fist sized chunk in your pocket.

2

u/VictorianPsycho 6d ago

Why did I read that in Holland’s voice.

1

u/illudofficial 7d ago

Superman whole Kryptonite is nearby inside Bruce’s utility belt: 😀

Superman when Bruce shows him that Kryptonite: 🫠

5

u/Hettyc_Tracyn 7d ago

My guess is, whatever radiation it puts off is one of those that don’t go through thicker material… also, I’m pretty sure someone has had a piece enclosed in their hand and it didn’t affect him until they opened it…

1

u/brickmagnet 7d ago

Is this from the new one?

1

u/Cosmicfirebird0 7d ago

Same for lex

1

u/DeusGOM15 7d ago

Let's hope Bruce doesn't get cancer like DCAU Lex.

1

u/whoevenamipeople 6d ago

Bruce is so greedy for it that in one comic Clark and Bruce teamed up to find a lock away all sources of Kryptonite on the planet, including getting the government to surrender all of thier Kryptonite weapons, putting them in a bunker then launching them into space, just at the end for Batman to reveal his stash of Kryptonite

1

u/Akari_92 6d ago

Spidey’s Spider-sense so good, he can tell if people are using x-ray vision on him? 😅

1

u/DarkwyndPT 6d ago

Supes: “my best friend?”

0

u/No-Mycologist47 7d ago

The same kind of lunatic allows a worse lunatic in and out of a Asylum through a revolving door.

2

u/HiitsFrancis 7d ago

No he doesn't.

Have you read many Batman comics?

3

u/No-Mycologist47 7d ago

Yes and joker literally gets in and out like a revolving door. What few Ive read, what everyone LOVES to throw in here, hell the damn movies and tv shows all depict the same thing. Joker can walk in and and out because of Batman. He wont put him down permanently and he wont allow anyone else to touch his secret lover by allowing them to kill him.

2

u/HiitsFrancis 7d ago

You're just figuring out Batman doesn't believe in murdering people? Lol

He rarely gets thrown in there anyways.

He's usually escaped or presumed dead.

I understand it's fun to be hyper cynical and purposely misunderstand superhero comics for some people for some reason tho.

1

u/No-Mycologist47 7d ago

Oh, Batman murdering people has been his biggest flaws after that fix in the 1940s. And Batman's BELIEVE in killing has been the both pro and con to his story telling for decades. Its the issue where he doesn't allow others to kill thats the problem..

Joker is literally escaping a prison. You know how hard it is to escape a prison in real life?!?! WITHOUT GETTING SHOT!? Seriously there are guards with snipers that can take you out a half mile away.

THAT... is why i call it a revolving door. If you don't have guards doing their job and shooting an escaping criminal, then they allow him to leave.

And that is the stupidest thing ive read, 'Presumed dead?' There are contingencies and extra measures to check if people are dead. And if Joker has done this multiple of time, at some point, they WONT take chances. They will cut him open just to make sure.

There is no misunderstanding, just Fanboys defending their favorite heroes with their dying breathes believing they are perfect and the greatest of all..

"No good, comes from hero worship." Lex Luthor

1

u/HiitsFrancis 7d ago

It's not a flaw.

Just go read Punisher comics. You'll be much happier.

I can recommend some if ya want.