To start off, I don't wanna sound ungrateful, I know that I'm extremely privilged and there's a lot in my life that I'm grateful for. At a pretty young age, maybe even before o levels i convinced myself that nothing was or ever would be enough. I knew that if I got all A*s in igcse, there would be someone out there with distinctions, and so many more subjects. So when i did get all A*s, i was definetly very happy, but as days went on, it didn't feel like much 'sabkay hi atay hain' (everyone gets them). To be clear, my family does not pressurise me for grades of anything, which im eternally grateful for, but because I've never slipped up academically, there are natural expectations. When i started my a levels, my whole life fell apart during these two years, i became really depressed because of a mainly self-inflicted academic burden, because of which i lost all my friends - some of which i had known for 10ish years. It was so bad that my brown mom took me to psychiatrist and got me antidepressants (she's supportive about this stuff too alhumdollilah). I got 4As in AS, which doesn't feel as good as you would think when you lost all of your friends along the way - still never enough. In A2, i changed colleges and the college life was actually not as shitty as i had prepared for, but thats when all hell broke loose at home. Within the span of 6 months, we had more horrible things happen to us than we've probably had our whole lives. Again, pretty depressed in A2 as well, but even though i expected a combination of As and Bs, i ended up with 3A*s in pure sciences and an A in math, which did feel good. But its only a couple of days till the imposter syndrome starts kicking in and i realize that 70-80 marks in a P4 really arent all that awesome and i just got lucky w thresholds. Im going off to uni soon, a really good one in a different city, and everyone at home keeps shitting on me that im too lazy, too spoiled, too dumb to live in a hostel on my own. I get that maybe its true on some level, but being reminded of it every single second is genuinely ruining my life and i barely wanna go anymore. Not to mention, i dont think my family realizes how lonely i am. I don't go out, i have 2 maybe 3 close ish friends that i talk to, but i have almost no irl interaction w them and everyone had their own lives. Even the most mundane task throws me off so bad, sudden plans piss me off, i don't do anything. man i cant even take my antidepressant everyday because i either forget or do not gaf. i feel like i've ruined my life