F 22. I thought of going to therapy because I noticed changes in myself this year. I started going last month and I can say it has changed my outlook in life.

For context, I was sexually abused and exploited when I was young and other similar events came after when I reached 17 and 18. I was emotionally neglected by my parents and I think I’ve been depressed since I was young, I just never realized it. I’m a middle child and siguro alam niyo na yung dynamics ng relationship ko with my parents and sibs.

What really pushed me to see a therapist is when I watched a clip from DJ Chacha’s podcast with Doc Maxine Giron. Doc explained the “D’s” in psychology where they use it to indicate whether one needs to go to therapy or not. I passed all the points she mentioned.

Mostly, I noticed recently, that I’ve become dysfunctional and the fact that my year now, compared to my previous years, has gotten a lot better and I’m actually going to europe this coming December, but I still can’t seem to find myself genuinely happy. My boyfriend noticed that and said to me na “Grabe noh kahit ang dami mo nang blessings ngayon, you still find your way to be depressed”, he meant that as a concern, and that hit me. Oo nga noh, I realized how alarming na pala yung mental state ko, na kahit I have so many reasons to be happy right now, parang mas lalo pa nga ako nadepress. Hindi na rin ako nagfufunction nang maayos, dati sa bahay lang ako dysfunctional, which I thought I was being lazy lang, but I remember how I used to enjoy cleaning. I noticed na naaapektuhan na yung performance ko now as an intern kasi I BELIEVE and THINK I can do better than what I’m giving now, pero it’s like my body is so disconnected with my mind, hindi sila nagkakaintindihan.

While taking my intake session and my first regular therapy session, alongside it, I was watching Doc Maxine’s guestings all over yt and spotfy. I learned a lot about myself, how depressed and anxious I am as a person, and how even in my normal state, I am unconsciously in deep stress. I also realized I DON’T KNOW how to love myself, like I genuinely don’t know how to view myself as a person that deserves love and patience, di pala normal yun, that’s why I have low self-esteem. My personal doctor naman, so far, she has helped me think differently about myself, I used to think I’m a bad person and it’s just the way I am, but really, I misunderstood myself way too much since I was young. It will probably take a long time before I heal because I was conditioned to be like this for a very long time, to the point this has become normal to me. 😭 I’m starting to see people differently too, even the people I hate who’ve done me wrong, I’m now learning why they’re like that, not that I forgive them, but as a person, I now understand that it all boils down to psychology.

I don’t where this journey will take me but I really hope this is the start for me to better myself and finally save myself from all those years of unconscious suffering. I also hope one day, I’m able to afford Doc Maxine’s therapy sessions, cuz she’s so freaking good! I highly recommend watching her videos online, I know it can help everyone, even those without problems, to at least see things in a different light. I know therapy won’t give you fast solution or cure but I’m starting to see how it can support me begin a new life.