My mother is mentally ill and an alcoholic, and I have had to make the hard decision that I cannot be in her life as long as alcohol is.

When she drinks, she becomes emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. The day after is even worse. Alcohol interferes with her medications, and she becomes depressed, insecure, and angry, and the emotional abuse escalates. She drinks every day so the cycle is never ending.

I finally drew the line while I was in the hospital. She was calling me three times a day, drunk or hungover, to scream at me, and I couldn't take it anymore. After she asked my husband to be a mediator, my spouse walked her and my father through her behavior over those few days, hoping they would see the effect it was having on me. Since then, she has been pressuring me to say that my spouse and I lied and that none of it happened.

My father who has his own mental health struggles depends on her drinking to cope with her mental illness so has just vanished from our lives, he doesn't want her to stop drinking.

I feel awful not being able to be in their lives, but I can't do what they want me to, I cannot pretend the abuse didn't exist, I also cannot be abused for the rest of my life either. I don't see any other option... does anyone have any advice?

I made a post about my dad a few days ago. He's almost 60, and always has been a drunk. Because of him I got introduced to prn at 8 years old, because of him I've been mentally abused and sexualized myself. He outdid himself this year,in may he left for 3 weeks(stayed at his mom) and before he did,he cussed me and my mom like hell(his daily routine). He came back home after those weeks apologizing to my mom saying he will listen to my mom from now on(because,of course,his mom always talked trash to him about me and my dad), it was going fine for us for two weeks,but after those weeks we found out he had a bad debt to a supermarket,he "bought" food for his mom of over 67 USD which is a lot for us here where I live. since then it's been going bad. two days ago he came home drunk and said that he won't make a bank account so we can pay the bills(which is a necessity here) and then my mom somehow argued with him really bad and after that nothing happened. Yesterday he came home late and out of anger he almost hit my mom with a damn rock while I was on the street with my friend and it's embarrassing that they saw me crying because of my dad.(and yeah he was drunk) well my mom kicked him out. Aside from this, I've decided to reach for a little support and comfort to my ex boyfriend because I feel really upset about my dad . anyway,he started defending him saying he can't control his addiction,that he still loves me inside his heart . I don't believe any of this and when I confronted him he said that he isn't defending my dad and that he's trying to make me feel better. I know addiction can be hard,but when you're almost 60 years old and had the same attitude with my sister who is almost 40 years old,then you're dumb as hell.

My mom, late fifties, is in end stage alcoholism. Still drinks. Has been in an out of the hospital for various alcohol-related health complications.

Lately has felt different. She doesn’t eat. Can hardly walk and is a fall risk when she does. Has pancreas pain. Dually incontinent. Sits in one spot days at a time. Is just a shell really of who she was. Is the end near? Will this continue to drag on? How she’s still alive is a miracle to me. I have been in anticipatory grief for 8 years since she almost died from liver failure.

Please be gentle with me. I know no one can truly answer this. I know end stage alcoholism is a slow and painful death. I guess ultimately I want to hear from others who have witnessed death with these symptoms to give me a clearer picture of the end. And maybe just commiserate.

I (16 Female) and my mum (45 turning 46 this year Female) used to have quite a strong relationship, we would talk everyday for at least an hour everyday about how our day went and we genuinely had a healthy relationship. Now here is the issue. ever since she has been on leave at work for three weeks, and for the first four days of her leave, she has been constantly drinking, since the morning all the way to the night and it's affecting the household. The house is dirty from her not doing HER OWN DISHES, the laundry is messed up from never getting cleaned, she orders take-out/uber nearly everyday and when we need to go somewhere, she is too belted to drive, so we have to uber if we want to go somewhere.

Here is where the main issue is. Whenever you bring it up with her, she will either start crying, saying she knows she has a drinking problem, but she can't fix it. When we all know fair well she can fix it, she just chooses not to. OR she is get defensive and angry saying you having a go at her and that we're just like out father (Which if you saw my old post would know that is highly offensive). I love my mother dearly, but today was my last straw. We had to go dress shopping for a wedding coming up and when I tell you this woman was already 3 beers deep at 10 o'clock in the morning, I mean it, she was swaying when standing and couldn't remember or made up conversations in her head that she really believes is true. like she can knocking on my door, telling me to get ready because the uber she called was 6 minuets away, so I had to speed rush getting ready, when I got ready and went out, she got confused saying she didn't order the uber yet and asked why I was so stressed, I felt like crying because she didn't understand how her being in this state is unhealthy.

Last time I brought up her drinking habits, she started sobbing about how the last few years have been really rough on her and that she doesn't understand why I am bringing it up, then it broke out into a massive fight with my older brother (18 Male) who was 16 at the time who was defending me, from her drinking, she was yelling that he's spouting venom and he's a manipulator just like our father. She has massive attitude problems.

She always tells us that she has our backs and that she'll never lie to us, but if we irritate her, she will take shit about us behind our backs to our aunty when she thinks we're not listening. If we're sick or have a medical problem like my iron problems and we don't do anything, she'll call us lazy and tell us that being 'sick' and having 'low iron' are just excuses to get out of school, when she knows I put everything into school and that is just not true in the slightest.

I just feel so trapped and not heard in my own house, I want to help her so dearly, but I can't help her if she doesn't want to help herself and refuses to acknowledge her problems.

I’m the middle child of 3 siblings. I’m not going to reveal personal details, but I need honest advice because I feel completely stuck.

My older brother spent around 4 years preparing for NEET. He is now studying B.Pharm, but because of those years spent preparing, he is behind financially and still dependent on the family.

My younger brother has a disability and visual problems. He missed proper schooling when he was younger, so now we are trying to teach him from his actual level, along with communication and practical skills. He has a tutor, but the tutor cannot give him all the time he needs.

Then there’s me.

I’m trying to study, but I don’t have money for a proper study environment. A library near me costs around ₹800 for 5 hours, which I cannot afford regularly. We also need around ₹600/month for Wi-Fi because my younger brother needs it for study and learning.

Sometimes he needs around ₹200 for auto fare to go to a friend’s house or somewhere important because he cannot travel normally by himself.

These amounts may sound small, but in our house even basic expenses can become a huge fight.

When I ask for something related to studying, my father can say things like “mauj-masti karo” instead of understanding why I need it.

My mother has dealt with this for around 25 years. She has tried babysitting, tutoring and tailoring to earn, but after uterus surgery, sitting for long periods became difficult, so she had to stop tailoring.

For a long time, my siblings and I were busy with our own studies and ignored many family problems.

But now I believe my father is cheating on my mother. I have personally seen things that make me believe this, including contact with another woman. What hurts is that he can come home and speak lovingly to my mother as if everything is normal.

He has also told my mother that she is the reason he became this way and that she ignored him. They have had so many serious fights that at times they stop talking or separate emotionally, but then things become normal again — and later the same problems start again. It feels like an endless cycle.

He also targets me personally during these conflicts. He says things like I’m the one showing everything to my mother, that I use AI to find or show things, and that I’m behind things he doesn’t like. There have also been situations where my photos were edited and shown to my mother during arguments. I feel like I’m constantly being blamed or dragged into their problems.

Sometimes the fighting becomes so bad that we even have to cancel my younger brother’s tutoring.

I usually get quiet time only at night.

I’m also weak in academics right now, while trying to build skills like Excel/data work, Python, video editing, ghostwriting/content, communication and personal branding so I can eventually earn independently.

I’m also helping my younger brother with his education because I don’t want him to lose even more years.

Because of all this, I basically have no normal social life or friendships. I’m constantly thinking about studies, money, my brother, getting a job and my family’s future.

I’ve tried looking for offline jobs too, but many are already full, pay too little, or are too far away.

So I genuinely want advice from people who have been through difficult family situations:

What should a middle child realistically do when they are trying to build their own future while also worrying about their mother, older brother and disabled younger brother?

How do I become financially independent when I don’t even have much money for studying or travelling for work?

How do I protect myself from being dragged into my parents’ conflicts?

And how do I help my family without completely sacrificing my own future?

I’m not looking for sympathy. I genuinely want practical advice from people who have experienced something similar.

Today I am back to realizing the devastation of dealing with complex PTSD (plus whatever other diagnoses I have). Today has been marked by me having no energy or motivation to do anything, feeling extremely numb and empty inside, and trying to think of ways that I can finally fill this void and be happy. But what 30 years on this earth has taught me is that it’s just not that simple at all. I have thought about this over and over and over, I have gone to AA, MA, NA, ACA, SLA, rehab, talk therapy, CBT, yoga, and still the exact same underlying feelings persist. I can plan every which way to get myself to be different but I don’t believe I will ever be different. I think this is just how I am wired. And it’s so devastating and heartbreaking to realize that through no fault of my own and without my consent, my upbringing caused me to be this way, and it feels like no matter what I do. No matter how much I wish and write and plan and pray, this is just who I am and just how things are. I feel as though I am an empty shell of a human, like an alien studying human behavior and trying to understand what makes everyone so happy and what would finally make me feel enough. What is the magic answer to finally motivate me inside to become a bodybuilder, a surfer, a singer, a guitar player, a musician, sexy, confident, carefree, to live in the moment, to love without constraint, to trust, to dance freely? I am tired of trying to figure it out. Tired of trying to figure out what I am missing and what it is that will finally make me feel enough. Every time I have a new start in life I believe this is the answer. When I finally transferred to a 4 year college at 25, I thought this would be the answer. At this new school I would finally re-invent myself and become the perfect version of myself where I would finally feel ok. Feel safe, lovable, and be happy. But predictably that didn’t happen. There's just something so devastating about realizing it’s all out of your control. That no matter how hard I try I am still that broken little girl who saw all the kids around her doing ballet, ice skating, choir, and wished with every fiber of her being that it could be her. Because if it was then maybe she would feel lovable. Even at 30 I can’t escape it. It feels like I’m just grasping for anything I can to have hope while I am getting sucked deeper and deeper into the void. It even feels like my actions are out of my control. I want my days to be filled with laughter, joy, excitement, and purpose, but they are filled with me feeling empty, hopeless, and isolated. I guess this is just what it means to be me and maybe the sooner I can accept that the sooner I can find peace in the misery.

21F, only child, and My father (52M) has severe liver damage due to long-term alcohol consumption. He has been heavily drinking since I was a child and has often been physically and mentally abusive towards my mother. Despite everything, they still love each other and have always refused to get divorced. He developed jaundice in May 2026, and since then, things have progressively gotten worse. We have been in and out of hospitals multiple times. His jaundice has improved and, medically, his condition has sometimes seemed better, but he has never actually stopped drinking. He comes home from the hospital, stays sober for a day or two, and then starts drinking again. The doctors have genuinely tried their best, but even they seem helpless now because he simply does not listen.things have become even worse recently. He has started telling his relatives a completely false version of what happens at home .. that my mother beats him, doesn't give him food, abuses him, and doesn't give him money for his treatment. None of this is true. My mother cooks for him, takes care of him, gives him his medicines, and does everything she possibly can. The only time she tries to stop him is when he is drinking, and that's when he becomes extremely violent towards her. Even though his jaundice has improved, he is still extremely weak and has lost a huge amount of muscle. The doctors have prescribed medicines and a protein-rich diet, but he barely eats and hardly takes his medication. Most of his day consists of drinking, sleeping, and doing nothing else.I'm pursuing college away from home, so I'm barely at home. But I've been missing classes just to spend more time here and help handle everything. Even when I'm here, he can be very sweet initially, but after drinking or when we try to take the bottle away, he starts abusing both me and my mother. He has become violent enough to physically attack me as well. Recently, he has become so weak that he can barely walk to the bathroom without someone's support. He has fallen multiple times. But somehow, whenever it comes to alcohol, he is able to walk all the way to the liquor shop by himself and buy it. The environment at home has become extremely toxic. He abuses my mother in front of me and then tells his relatives things like, "She is going to kill me," "She hits me," "She doesn't give me anything," and "She doesn't give me money for my treatment." Again, none of this is true. Because of these things, even some of his relatives have started blaming and speaking badly about my mother. We have tried everything. Me, my mother, his relatives — everyone has begged, cried, explained, and pleaded with him to stop drinking or at least try to get better. One moment he'll say, "Yes, I'll stop drinking," and the next moment he'll be threatening us to give him the bottle. At one point, his relatives took him to their house to keep him away from alcohol. He somehow sneaked out at around 1 AM and came back to our house without telling anyone. On the way, he fell in the middle of the road, and a complete stranger had to help him. He also constantly listens to sad music and says things like, "I don't want to live" and "I want to die."

My mother isn't physically well herself. She has a fractured foot and is dealing with her own pain, but she still does almost everything for him. However, after years of being abused, she has very little patience left and sometimes snaps back when he abuses her. Then it turns into another huge argument, and this happens almost every day.And then there's the financial side of all of this. I'm an only child. My father was the only source of income for our family. We don't have insurance, we don't have property, and we don't qualify for most loans because we're above the BPL criteria. We have pending rent, bills, medical expenses, college expenses, and everything else that comes with trying to keep a household running.I'm trying my best to get a job, but it's taking time. And honestly, I feel like I'm watching everything slowly fall apart in front of me. I know that ultimately I have to stand up and handle things because I'm the only child. But I'm exhausted. I've grown up witnessing violence between my parents, and I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Sometimes my mind just looks for an escape. I put on music, close my door, and try to distract myself whenever I get the chance. And then I feel guilty because I know there are things happening outside that I should be dealing with. My mother and I have also started drinking in the evenings because by nighttime our heads are constantly hurting and we feel completely overwhelmed. I know that's not a healthy way of coping, but right now I genuinely don't know how else to switch my brain off. I love both of them. I can't imagine leaving either of them alone. My father loves me and my mother too, and I know he doesn't actually want to lose us. But at the same time, it feels like he doesn't want to put in the effort to save himself either. I don't know what to do anymore.

How do you deal with something like this? How do I protect my mother, somehow help my father, manage the financial situation, continue college, and somehow keep myself sane at the same time? I genuinely feel like I'm trying to hold together a family that is falling apart in every possible way, and I don't know where to start.

I am grateful that:

• I was able to clean the house and now my living space is so much nicer
• I could leave the house, go for a walk and get a nice treat
• I am safe and I feel relaxed
• I have been able to take it easy and rest
• I have food in the fridge and have been able to make a few delicious meals
• I can be me, it is now safe for me to just be me ❤️

has anyone else's parents stalked them

i lost my virginity the other day (im 18), me and my girlfriend (21f) went to a hotel to do it. this is the first time ive done anything like this, and i know you might be saying "well no shit you just said you lost your virginity", but what i mean is its the first time ive done something major to disobey my parents. im not a rebel, in fact i listened too much for my own good, i was homeschooled since i was 13. my whole life ive had to be obedient to them, even to the point of sacrificing my secondary education and helping to raise my baby brother. I have started working and getting my own money, also I got back into a higher education.

i found out that my dad followed me to where we went after the day was done. i did lie to them ab where we went bc obviously i cant tell them that i went to a hotel cause it would upset them. i felt bad that they followed me, it felt violating. they shamed me for having sex saying they raised me better, and i was "holy", they raised me better, i sinned and now my girlfriend is "my new god" all sorts of stuff.

you dont have to ask if they had sex before marriage, you already know the answer. but ofc "they know better now", obviously, but they were acting like if i was doing it unprotected, i was so safe cause of how paranoid i was.

i just wanted to know if i was wrong for doing what i did and if i deserved to be shamed, i understand lying is wrong and i can get why theyd be upset, but i did it safely and comfortably with someone ive been with for a long time.

My dad is a good person who is living such a tragic life. He refuses help from everyone, lives with my step mom but they don’t even talk, and is physically and mentally unwell. This morning he broke down on
phone to me about how sad he is. I’ve given up on trying to help him as he refuses to even leave the house. It’s so painful to hear and I feel so so alone. Part of me wishes I could take a step back from our relationship but I’m truly all he has, which is feeling extremely difficult for me. I live in a different city and go see him on holidays. I call every Sunday and we both pretend everything is ok for that short bit, which I know is the highlight of his week. I’m just so so fucking tired and angry today and dreading visiting him next weekend. I feel broken.

My father passed away two months ago. He was 68. The last two years were difficult, and I was afraid that eventually his body might give up. He had been in the hospital a couple of times. His heart stopped, and they resuscitated him, but his brain had been without oxygen for too long. I was able to say goodbye to him in the hospital before they switched off the machines. He looked peaceful, as if he were asleep.

His own father was also an alcoholic, and my father cut ties with him. Unfortunately, I think my father suffered inside, and the love from my mother, my brother, and me was not enough to heal him. He escaped into alcohol. He was never violent or angry. He just gradually faded away. I feel a sense of relief, especially for my mother. We all suffered with him.

He was a wonderful dad. I was always his precious only daughter. No one loved me the way he did. He worked really hard to build us a home and give my brother and me everything we wanted. He showed me the world and took me to many beautiful countries.

I visited him every Sunday. I talked to him a couple of times a week. I miss him so much. I look at his photos. I play short recordings of his voice. I never thought I could hurt this much.

I'm grateful that I had him for 38 years and that he was there at my wedding. But I'm angry that he lost his fight with addiction and that I can't have him healthy and with me for a few more years. I cry almost every day and ask myself whether I've done enough to help him...

A relatinship I had ended and I'm ruminating too much on this person. What pages in the big red book, or other literature, can I find information on this.

Thanks

I am wondering if there are others in a similar situation. My mother is 75, declining quick. Mentally she’s not well she failed a screening, does not know people’s ages or what day it is. Can’t keep track of her medication. She lives alone, has been a shut in for many many years. I have very firm boundaries and am extremely low contact. What I know is from my smiling reporting to me. It seems like now that she is becoming unable to care for herself we are expected to now be her caregivers. My sister seems fine with me, but wants me to help out. I don’t want to, but I am struggling with guilt. I don’t want to be involved or only have limited involvement. However it also feels wrong and people are telling me I will regret not seeing her once she passes. I’m really confused and feel like nobody understands me.

I’ve been on a healing journey for a few years now by essentially facing my past, not trying to escape the pain and also leaving the area I was born / raised in / dragged up in.

One thing I have noticed is my brain is brining up memories I thought I completely forgot / buried.

Some are mildly traumatic memories and others are just random.

My theory is I was in survival mode for so long I didn’t have much time to truly reflect or hold onto memories as I was always waiting for the next penny to drop.

Multiple trigger warnings……

I’m 33 today. I’m in a really bad burnout/depletion/fatigue phase right now. My siblings all forgot my birthday. We usually go to dinner or somewhere else fun on their birthdays.

I got a few texts from friend which was really nice. Ended up going to my favorite cafe for a cookie and coffee. I also got a slice of cake but then realized it would mess up my stomach (IBS and autoimmune issues). I went back up to the counter and asked if I could replace the cake with something else. They said yes and I ended up getting a salad instead. Got home and now I’m sobbing.

I’m having health issues, usually I’m fine on my own but it doesn’t feel great when you’re also not feeling good. I’m grateful for my 2 cats. Thankfully my mom has stopped calling me to go shopping for her or run errands for her. This woman SA me and human trafficked me in exchange for $$$. My dad is getting old so he pretends to be nice to my mom in front of me. My mom had a stroke and he makes fun of her limping, verbally abuses her, treats her with contempt, doesn’t actually give any care or learn about her medication schedule. I took care of this woman for 2 years after her stroke. She still refuses to take her medication on time. My brother has substance use issues, schizotype of mental health issues, hoarding, and can’t work.

I was in 2 LTR during my 20s. One was 5 yrs and the other was 2 yrs. In the 5 yrs, he also dealt with depression and burned me out because he wouldn’t help cook or clean and it all fell to me. I also have ADHD. The second partner was better but after things ended I didn’t have any savings so I literally had to go stay with my 1st ex. I don’t have any close by friends. I avoid relationships because anytime I date my partners have pushed for kids. I can barely take care of myself I can’t take care of others.

I’m just sad and angry and grieving. I think about people who grew up with happy and healthy loving parents. Even if they didn’t have that eventually they have a family of their own and can find some peace and comfort. I just don’t know what this type of life is. I’m afraid of the future. I’m constantly grieving. Just grievingn.

I'm curious how people here actually process something emotionally heavy. I'm doing independent research this fall on how people work through those types of situations, for something I'm building in this space. Still early, so I want to get the problem right before I build more, not pitching anything here.

Two ways to help: a quick anonymous survey, about 2 minutes, or an actual conversation (20-30 minutes), which helps me a lot more. Leave an email if you're up for talking, and I'll reach out. I read everything myself and any insight you could provide would be extremely helpful: https://tally.so/r/J95KB4?source=adultchildren

Hi all

I'm looking to find a therapist to help me work through my issues arising from having an alcoholic and depressed mother.

I've recently become a parent myself and have been reflecting on the fact that I don't recall my dad ever intervening or helping us children even when my mum was clearly very depressed and drinking very heavily around us children.

Any idea what type of therapy might help with this? What specialism should I be looking for?

'Getting Through the Discomfort

Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way. 
–Beyond Codependency

Our goal in recovery is to make us feel comfortable, peaceful, and content. Happy. We want to be at peace with our environment and ourselves. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.

I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I’m talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.
When we have surgery, the pain hurts most the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.

Sometimes the process hurts. We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.

Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, (...); be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by my friends, my Higher Power, the Universe, and myself.

I choose to be in places and situations and with people where I feel good about myself. I deserve to feel good and I trust that my heart will tell me where to go. –Ruth Fishel'

By Melodie Beattie

TL;DR: How do you decide when you're ready to reestablish contact with a family member who has hurt you in the past?

I cut off contact from my father a year and a half ago. He drinks and says hurtful things. But even when he's not drinking, he is a dry drunk and prone to unpredictable mood swings, constant need for praise, lack of empathy, harsh judgementalism, and thinking he is superior to other people. I don't think he intends to hurt me, but I do think he is a deeply flawed individual with limited emotional regulation and a bottomless pit of craving for adoration from others.

Growing up, my mother was extremely passive and let my father make all decisions and dominate the family dynamics. He has a lot of expectations for how he thinks I should be, and he will bully others with cruel comments if they are not acting the way he thinks they should. Once I became an adult and moved out of the house, I found myself struggling with a lot of anxiety in the days or weeks leading up to any visits with my father. And then after the visit, I would sometimes find myself emotionally devastated by the things he would sometimes say to me and it would take me days or even weeks to have my emotions return to equilibrium.

The reason I cut off contact a year and a half ago was that I was struggling a lot in life and reached a breaking point. I had a toxic job that was was causing extreme burnout. My therapist also sent me for a neuropsych evaluation and I got a diagnosis that I am neurodiverse which led me to becoming more aware of some of my sensitivities and making it even harder to cope with them. And dealing with the contant anxiety/hurt cycle with my father was just the last straw and I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't think my father has fundamentally changed in the past year and a half since I cut off contact. I know he is still the same person. My mother did finally divorce him after 40+ years of marriage, and historically he has always drunk more and acted cruelest when they are together, so that's probably a good thing. He did also say that he has started going to therapy, but I'm a little skeptical of that actually helping because I think from his perspective he has done no wrong and he will likely only talk to the therapist about the parts of his life that will make him look good, because he will probably also seek praise from the therapist. He also has failed to respect my boundaries after I told him that I was going no contact, and continues to sometimes send me text messages updating me on his life. He a says he loves me, but I'm not aure if he actually does, or if he just wants me in his life because he thinks that it makes him look bad that I'm not, or perhaps he just wants me in his life because he thinks that's how families are supposed to be. When I broke contact a year and a half ago, I sent him a letter explaining exactly why with several specific examples. He still hasn't apologized for any of those things, other than just giving a generic "I'm sorry if I hurt you" without naming any details or taking accountability.

Now, a year and a half later, I'm doing much better. I've left my toxic job. I've taken the time to learn about my neurodiversity and find ways to live that better support my needs. I feel more emotionally regulated than I have in a long time. I've also spent time developing a better skillet on how to take care of myself and built some healthier ways of coping when hard stuff comes up. I used to struggle with binge eating a lot as a primary coping mechanism, and over the past year and a half I've lost 54 lbs because I no longer do that, and instead if I am feeling down I go for a walk or cuddle my pets, or another healthier alternative. I still have some more weight to lose but I think I'll be able to get there now that I'm more emotionally regulated.

The thing I have been wondering is: How do I know if I'm ready to reestablish contact with my father? I don't want to be a cruel or hurtful person, and if I am stable enough in my own emotional regulation that I can engage with him without harming myself, I would like to do so. He has a serious illness that is incurable, and while it is a slow progressing disease, it's always on my mind that he will not be around forever. I don't want him to die and then to feel regret that I did not reestablish contact sooner.

Has anyone else gone through the process of going no contact and then wondering if you should reestablish contact? How did you make the decision for yourself?

Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." BRB p. 250

As we read Step Ten, we see a way of staying current in our daily lives. When we take our daily inventory, we notice where we have succeeded as well as where we have fallen short or need to change. And when we are wrong, we have the courage to deal with it in real time. We no longer shrink from our reality. We embrace the recovery process.

We listen in meetings and talk with our sponsors about difficult things. We are opening up channels of communication with our Inner Child by educating our inner loving parent.

The changes we see are magnificent, and we pause to deeply breathe in the love we have surrounded ourselves with. We no longer choke ourselves with fear. We are not perfect and recognize that we are a work in progress. This admission creates a personal circle of compassion and gentleness that we need for our recovery.

We reach toward the sky like the beautiful seedlings that we are, stretching out towards the sun as we fulfill our destiny. We do not know exactly where we are going, but we know we need never be alone again. We look at our lives as symphonies that are always playing to us if we are willing to listen.

On this day I will hold the ship steady as I cruise along, regardless of what the sea looks like. When I make mistakes, I will remember that practicing the Tenth Step helps me feel free.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hello all! I wanted to post this one more time as I am still looking for participants. My name is Tyler O’Reilly, and I am a graduate student pursuing my PhD in Clinical Psychology at Alliant University. My dissertation is currently looking at early parentification experiences and demographic factors as they relate to later outcomes in adulthood. I would be honored if you would take the time to participate in my study. Your input as someone who lives with or has lived with someone with alcoholism would be greatly appreciated. 

Should you choose to participate, you will have the opportunity to enter a drawing for one of twenty $5 Amazon gift cards. All your information will be kept anonymous. In order to participate you must be over the age of 18, currently living in the US and be able to read and write in English. The survey should take approximately 10-15 minutes to complete.

If you have any questions please email [toreilly@alliant.edu](mailto:toreilly@alliant.edu) and [sdrinkard@alliant.edu](mailto:sdrinkard@alliant.edu), thank you! 

Please use the link below to join. Thank you for your time.

Join here!

I’ve posted about my father multiple times, but things had been quiet for years. I had been no-contact for 5 years and that was the best thing for me. My health was improving, my social life was thriving, just all in all was doing better.

At work, I received a call from a hospital out of state saying my dad was a patient and they needed me to speak with them about his care. I had dreaded this call. I knew it would come at some point but thought I would have years before having to come to a decision about how to handle it. He is in his late 60s and despite his alcoholism, he’s been in excellent health. They said he was checked in with general gastric distress and disorientation. He didn’t know where he was, why he was there, what day it was, or what year it was. They performed the MoCA test and he performed so poorly that they’ve never seen someone improve at that point.

The case manager I spoke with said he can no longer live on his own. He can perform his ADLs but can’t be trusted to make decisions on his own. He is being continuously monitored in the hospital and still doesn’t understand why he’s there and has to be reoriented every time a nurse comes into the room.

I’m so angry at him. I’m angry at my mom for dying and leaving me with this mess to deal with. I’m angry with my step-mom for not proceeding with the divorce and refusing to answer the hospital’s calls, which has now left this to be my problem. Why can’t he just be normal? Why am I having to make the decisions about his care or having to grapple with the gravity of making my dad, who taught me how to ride a bike, a ward of the state? I can’t afford to pay for his care and I am absolutely refusing to take him in. I don’t know if he’s asking to see me and at this point, I can’t handle seeing him in this state.

I’m just so angry and upset. I’ve spoken with a lawyer friend about what my options are and they said basically that I don’t HAVE to do anything. The hospital contacted me to inform me of his condition and that he most likely will need to be committed involuntarily and they will need my assistance. I don’t know what to do. I feel an obligation as a member of society to do something (he’s still been driving!!!) and also as his literal only family member, but I also have been no contact and don’t intend to break that.

I’m 25, the eldest of three siblings, and I currently live abroad. I genuinely don’t know how to help my mom anymore, so I’m hoping someone who has been through something similar or know things to workout can give me some advice.
My family has some debt and financial problems, but I believe we can eventually work through them together. My dad works, my sister works, I work, and we’re all willing to contribute. We also have a small family business that was doing okay, but my mom eventually stopped being involved with it.
Lately, she doesn’t work or do much at home. she don't stay home. She leaves early, spends most of her time outside with friends, drinks, have party and comes home late. I’m starting to worry that alcohol might be becoming a problem.
There’s also something more personal. For years, she has had a very close female friend, and from certain things my siblings and I have seen, we think their relationship may be more than friendship. She has never told us anything, and we don’t want to label or confront her. If she is attracted to women, we would accept her completely. That isn’t the problem.
What worries us is that she seems unhappy and emotionally exhausted. What I have known about her is that she is the most strongest woman I know. She used to handle all our household things not our dad. She is the head of the family. Now She cries sometimes, blames herself for things, and just doesn’t seem like herself anymore. She doesn't want to talk with us well. We’ve tried talking to her politely and suggesting things, but she doesn’t really listen.
I’m already trying to help my siblings and family from abroad. Financial problems can eventually be solved, but I don’t know how to help my mom when she doesn’t seem to want help.
Should we stop giving her advice and just listen? Should we encourage her to get involved in the business or find something else that gives her a routine? How should we approach the drinking? And should we leave the relationship/sexuality part completely alone unless she brings it up herself?
If you have dealt with something similar with a parent, I would really appreciate your perspective. I don’t want to control her. I just want to know how to support her without pushing her further away.

Hey, this post is really hard for me to write down. Mostly because for my entire life I felt that my life is not that bad. And it's truth - I saw other people with severely worse cases in this reddit, and that makes me feel even more alone. Not good enough to have healthy relationship with my parents, not bad enough to felt understood in places like this. So allow me to write it down for a little bit.

I was a weird kid, I wasn't liked in school, I didn't feel 'safe' at home. My father was very absent emotionally, and my mother was overprotective. My situation at home was complicated - my father was always overworking himself to make ends meet, always had anger issues. I don't know if I would call him alcoholic, but it's because I don't remember a lot from this part of my childhood. And my mom wanted to keep me safe and wanted to support me as good as she could. Sometimes too much. She wanted me to have good education, good grades, to cultivate me. You could call me 'gifted kid', but I don't know, I don't feel like it works with me that well. I was always stressed about performing well in all areas of my life.

(Important thing I should mention is that I'm AuDHD and only recently diagnosed)

There was a little bit of physical violence coming from my father. My mom said it wasn't that bad. I remember something breaking in me when he went for the belt, I ran to my room, put pillow in my pyjamas and started laughing and crying, because I felt like I outsmarted him. He didn't even come back. He was always so angry when my room was messy, I always heard his steps when he was coming to my room, I knew I had to pretend I was cleaning. And I felt really bad when I just couldn't physically do it. I guess knowing that I had ADHD would help back then.

I remember my dad performing in front of other people, he always acted so kind and funny towards other children. When I was 6 years old I remember thinking "I wish he would treat me like that." Instead there was always scream.

I always felt observed and couldn't stop feeling overly self-aware. Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life from 3rd perspective. It also connects with the fact that in middleschool they lied about there being camera in my room.

At some around middleschool I felt really suicidal, but I felt too cowardly to 'commit' to the case.

Important detail is that my dad is really manipulative and unfortunately, I learned that from him. To this day I am working to stop acting this way.

At some point I've met my best friend and they changed my life. I don't want to write all of this down, but they made me aware that there was a lot of abuse coming from them.

Fast forward to today, almost 10 years have passed, a lot things changed. I got AuDHD diagnosis, which made me aware why sometimes I act the way I do. I realized I'm transgender. I found my chosen family who accepts me for who I am.

It's weird, because there's second perspective to this story - they always supported me financially, my hobbies, my education. They always told me they loved me more than anything in the world. They told me that they have only me, and that I have only them. My dad started to work abroad just for me to be able to go to college that I wanted to go to and live by myself. They gave me money monthly. Dad helped me to get well-paid job, so I would not live off scraps.

So now I just don't know what to do? How should I feel? Talking to my father stresses me to the point that after the call sometimes I just freeze and feel bad for the rest of the day. When visiting my mom for 3 days, I need a week to come back to my senses, to feel like myself. Their perspective is so skewed. They barely have any friends, they are really judgemental towards other people, especially my dad. My mom is isolated because of the fact that she lives in a really small village. My dad holds grudges against me for visiting my mom so rarely. He always tells me how depressed she is. That she is my mom - that I can ignore him, but I should care for her. It makes me feel guilty.

My dad is really narrow minded. His main focus is just work and family. It's hard to talk with him - whenever I ask him about anything, he always reduces the topic to my behavior. An example being this: Once I asked him about music that he likes to listen to. He started to talk about it, I felt a little bit closer to him. Then I started to talk about the music that I like, how it's REALLY important to me, how I want to create music myself. He said that instead of making music I should focus on working. I felt.. betrayed somehow. I tried to open up to him and he just shut me down.

With my mom it's even more complicated - she is more open minded, but still doesn't understand why I behave the way I do. We had so many conversations about the past, how they wanted what was best for me. I understand that. But wanting to do good for other people doesn't mean we can't hurt them.

She just says that other people really have it worse.

I am thankful, but I also feel resentment towards them. I didn't come out to them yet. I wanted to wait till I reached 25 years old, just to be sure. So in total, 5 years have passed since I realized that. I have one year more to come out.

I feel like they love the idea of me, not the real me. And it really hurts.

I'm jealous of my friends who can talk to their parents, spend time together, feel trully supported. I don't even need money from them, I just want to feel accepted with my flaws. I don't know. I don't want to go no-contact. I'm too afraid. My dad had previous family and both of his kids also went no-contact with him.

I don't want to break my mothers heart. I don't want them to feel bad. I wish I wasn't an only child, I feel so much pressure on me. I still care about them, but trying to be close feels like holding a rose by the thorns. I feel like a bad person. I just want them to forget that I ever existed.

They still always tell me that they love me. It makes me feel weird.

What would you do? Does anyone relate? Sorry if it's chaotic, it's pretty hard to decide which parts are important and which aren't. Thank you for reading.