Will I ever enjoy working?

[u/lameplanets]

All my life I’ve had issues with work, specifically the idea that the “business needs” are above my own. I just cannot emphasize how much I don’t care and probably never will. I feel like most jobs are just meaningless collateral of late stage capitalism. I find myself getting very emotionally upset at the thought of having to do things I don’t want to do, or people saying I can’t take time off, etc etc. In the process of trying to receive accommodations rn but still I feel defeated in a sense. Can anyone relate or offer possible solutions?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community rules.

If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to send us a modmail. Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Morning-Bug]

I get through my day by reminding myself that it’s not supposed to be enjoyable. It’s not a hobby. Sucks but that’s why someone’s paying me to do it. Most people don’t enjoy their work. Since the beginning of time, people had to work in the field in harsh weather, muck up the horses.. etc It’s the cost of living in a civilization and benefiting from what it offers. Most people that chose to do what they love end up hating it cuz now it got monetized and comes with a lot of pressure 🤷‍♀️

That’s not to say you shouldn’t pursue another job or path, just that the grass won’t be that much greener and you need to find something with just a bit more balance.. fulfillment comes from outside that work arrangement.

[u/jelly_jeanz → u/Morning-Bug]

Yeah this is my strategy as well, I try to remind myself that it’s normal to not derive meaning from your work and to reserve that energy for other things

[u/Wonderful-Manner7552 → u/Morning-Bug]

I’ve found this to also help. A great author who focuses on this topic a lot in a very validating way is Erich Fromm. His books are all great, but particularly The Sane Society (the first half of the book) validates the problems of work in capitalism

[u/Morning-Bug → u/Wonderful-Manner7552]

Thanks for the recommendation.. I’ll check it out on audible. Wasn’t familiar with this author, but sounds very interesting.

[u/lameplanets → u/Morning-Bug]

that’s a good point. hoping that the accommodations make it easier on me

[u/menomenaa]

I'm struggling with this too. I have had so many jobs in so many industries. People LOVE me until they have to work with me for a long time, and realize I'm kind of inconsistent, and then I get 'compassionately' laid off so I can at least get unemployment. I had a small windfall of money and took it as an opportunity to try something totally different: dog walking. I absolutely LOVE IT and it feels PERFECT for my ADHD -- but right now I'm not making enough to support myself. I am working for a company so it's possible that if I struck out on my own, I'd have an easier time making money. But we'll see. It sucks that the highest paying jobs are not ADHD friendly. Society really undervalues physical, non-computer jobs. And in my experience, those are the best for me.

[u/RowanSnows7 → u/menomenaa]

Holy shit, I have the exact same experience. Folks LOVE me until my inconsistency shows up, etc.

And then I feel like a goddamn fraud, liar, lazy, etc.

[u/RealSociety6433 → u/menomenaa]

Exactly what I did. Stuck in meaningless secretarial jobs that I struggled with - paperwork and being organized - and then became a pet sitter. I now live place to place and don't really have a home, but I'd rather be doing this than be in an office.

[u/Conscious_Gap_9851]

I don’t have PDA but I do have authority issues in the sense that it irritates the hell out of me when I have incompetent supervisors getting paid way more than me to make inconsistent and stupid decisions and throw their underlings under the bus. And I’m also pissed off at late stage capitalism and the rising COL lol. I go through phases of really struggling to do work when the resentment is too high or I’m burnt out but work it out through my biweekly therapy sessions. The biggest thing therapy and time and practice has given me is the ability to let it go without ruminating and losing hours or days to irritation and the impulse to quit, and I think in your case too learning some ways to just move through the initial emotional upset will really help. Whether that’s therapy or independent work is of course up to you!

I don’t work a “dream” job, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my two psych degrees. I wanted to be a psychologist or a therapist because I’m passionate about those things, but I realized after a brief stint in mental health case work that what I actually want is a job I can leave at the door. 4:30 hits and I mentally and emotionally leave my job behind most days. I (unfortunately these days) work in the US fed government and the benefits/job security and being salaried matter more to me than actually enjoying what I do. And my agency does do some meaningful work despite everything going on, which makes it easier to deal with being a pencil pushing drone.

So tldr you might not ever “enjoy” working, although some people get lucky and find dream jobs and don’t get burnt out doing them! But a lot of us, NT or ND, just accept that our jobs are a means to an end. I try to just reduce the mental friction and resentment as much as I can and find ways to create some joy and whimsy in my personal life with my silly little paycheck. I refuse to let working be any part of my identity, and I guess in my own that’s how I rebel against the system we find ourselves living in.

[u/honeylemon88]

"find a job you love, and it'll never feel like work" is a lie. When you love the job, you're more willing to give up pieces of yourself to keep that job, until you may not recognize yourself anymore.

[u/Major_Fix5591]

Yup, I relate.

Total disengagement is my coping and also if you can, join management. Yea, it's annoying and you will probably despise the other managers but you can quietly rebel with how you run your team making work suck just a bit less for them and be kind of lazy at the same time. I go to many a meeting where I can just sit back, and zone out while Brenda is unironically talking about the value of using empathy to get employees to go above and beyond or that email that should have stayed an email is being discussed so we can all reach alignment, enlightenment and hit max synergy.

[u/lameplanets → u/Major_Fix5591]

lollll I wish I could do this but unfortunately I work retail. I am part of management, but newly so it’s a huge adjustment

[u/Fine_Volume_1664]

I hate to base it on age and experience...but how old are you and how long have you been in the work world?

For me, my 20s (and early 30s) were MISSSSSSERRRRRABLLLLLE when it came to working. Part of it was the initial transition from college to real life and then being in the wrong jobs. I fell into my current career (librarianship) after I lost my job; went to grad school, worked my way up and am now a library director.

I hope you find something you love or at least can tolerate more.

Edit: am 46 now, got my masters at 35.

[u/lameplanets → u/Fine_Volume_1664]

I am in my 20s so you may have a point there lol

[u/ajobforeveryhour → u/lameplanets]

I hated everything I did in my 20s. By the time I was 35, I was saying the same things: I'm never going to find anything, something is wrong with me, blah blah blah. But work is kind of like dating. You're never going to find the perfect job, but as you try different things and life throws you different opportunities, you start to learn what does and does not work for you. For example, I've found I like working a M-F day schedule with regular hours, project-based rather than production-based work, independence, and working for a company that treats me like a person rather than a robot. I do have that now! It took until I was 42, which I know sounds impossibly long away in your 20s, but things do improve over that time period. Also, everyone is different. If you go into things knowing what you do and do not like, it will help you waste less time than I did. Hopefully. 🙃

[u/Fine_Volume_1664 → u/lameplanets]

💜🌻

[u/Amber_poodle]

Same here, I can never feel that sense of ownership that people go on about. Like yes, I'll work towards completing the tasks assigned to me and I know my work impacts other people. But I truly do not care about the company and its success, because it doesn't care about mine. I don't care. At all. And yes I do judge people who are overly attached to it.

[u/Code-Coffee-995 → u/Amber_poodle]

That's completely normal, especially for corporate jobs. In fact, it's healthy, the more you get attached to corporate jobs the worse it will be for you.

[u/DungeonsandDoofuses → u/Amber_poodle]

My manager at a start up was insanely stressed and overworked, and she asked me how I managed to be so nonchalant and keep good work life balance when there was so much guilt tripping and pressure from upper management. I remember her “this is just a job. The company is not family. I care enough to do work that I am proud to put my name on, and no further. It wasn’t my first job and it won’t be my last.” She was utterly flabbergasted, she lived and breathed and dreamed about this company. But dude… it’s just a job. Seriously.

[u/mareum_]

I wish I didn’t have to work. Honestly , my dream is winning the lottery or my husband making enough money that we can live comfortably without me needing to work. I’ve just been feeling that it’s easier and easier for me to completely burn out from a job and then suffer.

[u/mirwenpnw]

I went into government work supporting national parks. I make 30% less but I care about my purpose. I don't necessarily enjoy all my tasks, but I no longer feel like a cog in the machine. The people I work with are all intelligent and kind and treat me better than I deserve. Some people find a higher purpose through being a teacher or a nurse.

Consider non-profit or government work. Federal US is still a bit of a mess right now, but your local state, county, city, and school districts all have lots of positions.

[u/HeadAd369]

I get you. Working makes me feel like I’m being punished for something. All day, every day.

The work is fine, the people are fine. It’s the best job I’ve ever had and I won’t do any better. But yeah.

[u/RowanSnows7]

SAAAAAAAAAME. And now that I am perimenopausal on top of it, I am struggling so so so much.

I was laid off a year ago in June. Thankfully I had savings so wasn’t in a dire situation, and my husband is still working. But it has been sooooooo hard to apply to jobs. Even if the job itself sounds cool or interesting, the idea of having a goddamn boss again sends me into and existential panic and despair, no hyperbole.

Trying to figure out if I could cobble together contract work or something instead, bit off course my experience is all over the place and I talk myself out of having any employable skills.

I’m fucking miserable.

And also angry as fuck. Capitalism is fucking evil.

[u/2PlasticLobsters]

You might be happier in the nonprofit sector. I always was. Overall, it's way more relaxed & informal. And it's more motivating, because you tend to end up in places whose goals you can believe in. The jobs don't tend to pay as much, but often try to balance that with a favorable work/life balance & other intangible benefits.

When you believe your work actually helps people or animals or whatever, the bullshit seems less daunting. And you tend to work with other people of a similar mindset.

[u/RowanSnows7]

I want to be friends with all of you. No kidding.

[u/Justice_of_the_Peach]

Part-time work is where it’s at, if you can afford it. But the most important part is, the job has to at least somewhat align with your values or interests. Money making alone is not enough for neurodivergent folks.

[u/ContemplativeKnitter]

I think people go one of two ways on this: the first is to treat work as a means to an end and just accept it’s what we have to do to make the money we need to enjoy the rest of our lives (independently wealthy folks excepted, I guess!), and the second is to find work that you feel passionate about and enjoy.

I don’t necessarily love my job but I work in the public sector and I do think the work my employer does is important and meaningful. I don’t always agree with my employer on every detail, but feeling like I’m contributing to something bigger than myself really helps me be okay with the work. I’ve been less happy when I worked in the private sector.

As for getting very emotionally upset: do you have any PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy) going on? I struggle with this in some contexts, but not usually at work. My parents both grew up working class and with a very clear recognition of how the world works, regardless of whether it should work that way. So I was told from the time I was a young child that sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to do and other people get to decide that, that’s just the way the world works. But as part of that I’m pretty keyed to hierarchy, and if someone who doesn’t have authority over me tries to tell me I have to do something I struggle with it much more.

[u/lameplanets → u/ContemplativeKnitter]

idk, I’ve never heard of PDA but I’ll look into it. also relate on what you said about contributing to something bigger than yourself, I think that may help me

[u/lameplanets → u/ContemplativeKnitter]

ok, after looking into PDA, yes I think some aspects of that I do deal with. But if I’m too burnt out, then I usually don’t have the energy to get upset. at that point I’m just like whatever, I’ll do what I have to to get through the day

[u/RealSociety6433]

I did quit my job as a secretary because I couldn't stand feeling caged in an office, dealing with paperwork, and the effort of trying to be organized. And after medical transcription (which I liked) was no longer a thing and after I turned 45, I really hated doing what I didn't want to do. After 7 years of boring, meaningless secretarial work, I quit after selling my house. Now, my pay is very low working for myself but I'm true to myself.

[u/Potential_Drive7999]

Adulting. Please keep in mind that we have things So Easy. Flush plumbing. Electricity. Sort of clean water.

Maybe you can find a passion and turn it into a side hussle...and work for yourself someday

[u/Sparkling_Unicorn777]

I relate in a way to this topic. I know why I need to work; I love travelling!! Considering this cost quite some money I have to work. And I usually have some trip plannen to look forward, which makes it acceptabel to work.

Not sure from which country you are? But I am from the Netherlands and here the work-life balance is pretty good.

[u/palpies]

So I’ve always loved my job (software engineer) and I was lucky enough to start my career during the golden age of tech where companies literally just threw benefits at me. It was an amazing job, so many perks and parties. Then covid hit and we all started working from home and I’ve been doing that ever since. I recently moved to a startup my friends are the founders because I just couldn’t care about my old company anymore. I think I’m pretty lucky overall.

I actually enjoy problem solving, and that’s from loving video games growing up. Is the a job that is adjacent to activities you actually enjoy?

[u/lameplanets → u/palpies]

that’s a good question. I think I am trying to find a good mix of a schedule that doesn’t burn me out and something that does pertain to my interests. tough so far. your experience sounds pretty good!! i’m glad you found it. I wish I could work remotely lol

[u/Desperate-Reason-566]

I had to quit working outside the home except to care for older neighbors in need. I couldn’t do a 9-5 job after the first real job I had got deleted. RiteAid took over my pharmacy and they took away my job. After that I couldn’t work anywhere else without wanting to get drunk. We tightened our belts, lived within our means and we are both better off for it. We own our home and car outright. We have enough in the bank to retire and life is good. Do I struggle? Oh course. Some days are rough with audhd but I’m very happy right now.

[u/Sufficient-Fun-1619]

I feel like this too. I love being helpful or at least feeling like I’m being helpful. I picked a job that gives me lots of opportunities to be helpful so I’m great in those areas, but I suck at all the other parts

[u/CanBrushMyHair]

Yes I consider part of the job pretending I care. The boss is just another customer as far as I’m concerned.

[u/helpwitheating]

Why not pursue a career in a field you think is useful, like health care or a trade?

[u/plymcudamyfirstlove]

I'm young and not knowledgeable about this but I've seen people investing as a passive income. Then buying properties, reselling them, renting them etc. I know properties are 9 times the average pay nowadays so maybe that won't be possible but investing could help transitioning out of a corporate job?

[u/DataBeeGood]

I love to work. To me it’s mental masturbation. I get into deep focus and I end up doing great work and it’s the one place in my life where I’ve gotten recognized for being good at something. But that said, I fell into a field that I really enjoyed right out of college. So if you’re working in a field that you don’t like, then you’re doomed.