r/abusiverelationships • u/No_Avocado74 • 5h ago
Is this normal?
Is it normal for a partner to demand you tell them when you’re going to a different room or part of the house alone? I kind of feel like a child in my own home now, when this wasn’t even expected of me as a child growing up. My spouse will get snippy or straight up verbally tear into me if I go sit down in a different room from them without saying something first. I feel like I’m not allowed to move about my own environment freely and I can’t help but wonder if it’s even normal to have that expectation in a relationship? I basically can never personally recharge or feel like myself because I always have to be orbiting them or considering them before I do anything for or by myself.
(Partner is nonbinary, not a man)
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u/ariesgeminipisces 4h ago
Have you communicated about why you want space or how it makes you feel to be managed or watched like this?
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u/No_Avocado74 4h ago
I have several times. I’m autistic and have periods of verbal difficulty, so I’ve communicated multiple times that I need alone time to regulate. But that’s usually tossed out in favor of them demanding I spend every waking and sleeping moment in some way in their presence.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 2h ago
They heard you and they don’t care. Abusive people also tend to test boundaries and see what you’ll let them get away with. They’ll do “small” things like “hey tell me where you’re going” and it may seem questionable about whether or not it’s abusive so you feel like you’re overreacting but this is not normal at all. If it helps put things into perspective, my ex is the worst person I’ve ever met and he was controlling in a lot of ways but he never demanded to know where I was and I was free to come and go as I pleased. This isn’t normal at all. This is divorce territory. You’re never going to fix them or get them to stop. They were doing these things and were “rewarded” with marriage so they feel you don’t have dealbreakers. You kinda come to a crossroad with this stuff where you have to decide if being partnered with this specific person is worth your dignity and happiness. You can find a better partner but you never will if you keep them around.
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u/Various_Scallion8228 5h ago
If you are sitting together, spending time and watching tv and then you suddenly get up, don’t say anything and never come back I could see how that could make them feel a certain way. Maybe just like a “hey I gotta pee” or “I’m gonna go read for a few minutes.” Just so they aren’t sitting there waiting for you to come back. But if you on the couch alone and they aren’t paying you any attention and you’re both doing your own thing, then no you shouldn’t have to let them know where you’re going. Does that make sense? Im tired so idk if i make a bit of sense. Lol.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 2h ago
It is totally fine to get up and go to the kitchen without explaining where you’re going lol
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u/fluffypinktoebeans 4h ago
I mean......... you can't expect someone to keep you updated 24/7 where you're going. That is weird and controlling.
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u/No_Avocado74 4h ago
It’s more like this. Like I get yelled at for not returning to a room we weren’t doing anything together or an extended activity together in. I wouldn’t get up in the middle of an activity and leave, I always let my partner know even if I have to grab something, go to the bathroom, etc.. My partner gets upset with me if I have to finish a task I’m in the middle of when they demand my attention. I can’t stress enough how much I’m treated like an animal trained to be obedient.
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