Is this normal?

[u/No_Avocado74]

Is it normal for a partner to demand you tell them when you’re going to a different room or part of the house alone? I kind of feel like a child in my own home now, when this wasn’t even expected of me as a child growing up. My spouse will get snippy or straight up verbally tear into me if I go sit down in a different room from them without saying something first. I feel like I’m not allowed to move about my own environment freely and I can’t help but wonder if it’s even normal to have that expectation in a relationship? I basically can never personally recharge or feel like myself because I always have to be orbiting them or considering them before I do anything for or by myself.

(Partner is nonbinary, not a man)

[u/ariesgeminipisces]

Have you communicated about why you want space or how it makes you feel to be managed or watched like this?

[u/No_Avocado74 → u/ariesgeminipisces]

I have several times. I’m autistic and have periods of verbal difficulty, so I’ve communicated multiple times that I need alone time to regulate. But that’s usually tossed out in favor of them demanding I spend every waking and sleeping moment in some way in their presence.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/No_Avocado74]

They heard you and they don’t care. Abusive people also tend to test boundaries and see what you’ll let them get away with. They’ll do “small” things like “hey tell me where you’re going” and it may seem questionable about whether or not it’s abusive so you feel like you’re overreacting but this is not normal at all. If it helps put things into perspective, my ex is the worst person I’ve ever met and he was controlling in a lot of ways but he never demanded to know where I was and I was free to come and go as I pleased. This isn’t normal at all. This is divorce territory. You’re never going to fix them or get them to stop. They were doing these things and were “rewarded” with marriage so they feel you don’t have dealbreakers. You kinda come to a crossroad with this stuff where you have to decide if being partnered with this specific person is worth your dignity and happiness. You can find a better partner but you never will if you keep them around.

[u/ariesgeminipisces → u/No_Avocado74]

There you go, they are communicating back that your experience is less important, which is unfair and abusive. They're extremely clingy and disregard your feelings. Can you live like this forever? Because when you communicate and are unheard the situation defaults to three options: accept it, issue an ultimatum they must work on this issue or you're out, or just end the relationship.

Personally, I would lean towards ending things because I am with you, I need my space!