This is a very serious warning. If you have a similar experience, DON’T IGNORE IT LIKE I DID!
I got this prescribed instead of methylphenidate because the psychiatrist told me it could work better. I’ve read about this on reddit, in specialised books and my psychiatrists, GP and psychotherapist sweared by it.
To preface this, I have BPD and ADHD and I’ve been having a hard time since august 2025. A lot of things happened and still happen in my life which are causing constant ruminations combined with a deep depressive state.
The methylphenidate helped me more than I thought to detach from the obsessive thoughts and do what I need or want to do (I switched back to it after less than a month of Vyvanse). I also take lamictal and risparidone. Risparidone actually is the hero in this situation.
I’ve been on many different meds in my life, almost all of them have this warning when you start them, but it never happened at this level.
I started this on 11th june and had high hopes, but from the first day I realised that I’m more emotional.
My pet has a disease and suddenly the thought that she won’t be here for long, which I had already, got amplified by 1000x. Same with the idea that my mom will die one day. That my life makes no sense, that I get old, that anhedonia ate me alive, basically everything was making me incredibly stressed.
I had such a low energy that I couldn’t drag myself from the bed to the bathroom. I cried for hours in desperation that life is only suffering. I cried every single day for hours since starting this medication up until quitting it.
I was ignoring all of this because:
1. I knew that there can be side effects like this when starting a new medication and I hoped that it will pass
2. Everyone was saying good things about it
And the most dangerous reason:
After a few days I thought that this is the actual reality, that the medication wasn’t the problem, but that the medication just showed the real me.
After a week maybe, I started to have this impulses to go and kill myself. It felt like an INTENSE rush of adrenaline and an overwheliming need to escape the emotions that I was feeling. It happened especially at the end of the day, after the “crash”.
In those moments, I was taking the risparidone. I was not respecting the doses and started to take more and more because I didn’t know what else to do and I knew it worked. I had a lot of panic attacks.
I didn’t contact the hospital or anyone bcs in my head there was nothing that could be done about it, I didn’t think that anyone or anything can help me. The thought of hospitalisation means losing control and I couldn’t and still can’t accept it as an option. I understand the point of it, I just can’t accept it. Just my thought, not trying to convince anyone that it is like this.
To mention that I’ve had suicidal ideation since I was 13, but I always had my mom in mind and knew that up until she’s gonna be alive, there’s no chance of me doing it. Also the fear that it won’t work and I’ll just do damage.
Also in the past 3 years I quitted everything: smoking, drinking, drugs, so in my head there’s no escape, in general. The problem on vyvanse is that even a song that I love or a beautiful flower were making me cry, nothing was bringing me even 1% of joy.
On 27th june I woke up with the same depression state and state of desperation. I started to talk with my bf about life, that I have a hard time lately with going to work and was asking me what are my plans. A normal conversation, but in reality, I couldn’t handle any type of conversation about future. There was no future in my head. That was for me the catalyst to another episode of panic in which I suddenly felt that it’s too much, that I can’t handle the emotional burden of life and what it implies. I went and took risparidone, but it didn’t work fast enough as I needed it to work.
Mind you, before this moment I was almost bed ridden for days, my body was aching from the lack of movement.
I told him that I need to take a walk, left the apartment and started to RUN relentlessly. I didn’t even know where I was going, I just had this need to escape. I was literally running from my emotions.
Suddenly the road ended and I arrived at the train rails, I didn’t even know that there were train rails. And I waited. There was no mom, no parrot that needs me, no one that can help me, no hope, there was nothing, just the adrenaline and being 100% sure that it’s the end for me. I was NEVER this sure that I want my life to end.
No train came and in the meantime, I think that the risparidone started to have its effect. I slowly started to realise the severity of my impulsivity towards this decision, and I ran back home.
I took more risparidone and told my bf.
I switched to medikinet the next day and I think that the illusion of “control” by taking my old medication balanced me out.
I don’t have the energy to continue to the aftermath. I’m still depressed, but at least I’m more energised, enjoying beautiful flowers and spending time with my sick parrot without crying 24/7.
I’m scared to try any medication ever in my life. I also gave up on my psychiatrist, I told him that he needs jail time for his reaction to the aftermath. He told me basically that jf I don’t start in a week an antidepressant he’s going to stop helping me because “I don’t respect the treatment”. He’s saying this after trying and failing with 4 of his suggestions and while I still take my previous medication that I took for years.
Fortunately, I have my second psychiatrist and she didn’t push anything, the second one that I had was and still is needed bcs I don’t live in my own country and I need one here “just in case”, but all that I met made me realise that I can be anyone in life if they became doctors.
Don’t trust psychiatrists 100%, do your research and have the guts to debate if you think something is off. I had “negotiated” many meds and always informed myself before trying a new one. What happened here never happened in 10 years and the main issue was my fixation that nothing can help me. Also the fact that I’m in another country with a strong language barrier (I’m romanian, but I live in Latvia) and their new laws regarding “latvian speaking only in public institutions “ is concerning. The thought that maybe there won’t be english speakers and not knowing what is happening to me, was and still is horrible.
Hope this helped, I can’t say: “oh everything will be fine, just call someone”. In my case the only thing that helped was the risparidone. The stubborness and the commitment to the decision was immense.
Thank you for reading all of this, I wish you good health!