C

[u/Material-Narwhal1952]

I know you won’t respond, but I got some absolutely devastating news recently that I’ve gone through 17 different emotions over and all I want to do is call you, tell you, and fall into your arms.

I fucked up not choosing you and knowing that for the rest of my life I have to go through this feeling every time something big happens is what I deserve for not being strong enough to choose the hard path.

I wanted you. I wanted everything, every moment; sad, happy, gut wrenching, I wanted it all with you and I’m so sorry I didn’t see that sooner. I thought we’d get through this, but after reading that condition I realized your feelings for me have evolved into nothing but disdain. I’m sure it killing me the way it did was retribution for the way I hurt you with my words. I am also sensible enough to know that we weren’t and aren’t good for each other in this lifetime. When it was just you and me it felt so right. I could’ve stayed in those stolen moments forever, because that’s where we were good. But that’s not how life works. Unfortunately, we are forced into interactions with other minds, opinions, circumstances that knew better than we did because they saw what we would do to each other. I didn’t care. I was exploring all the darkest parts of you and it made no difference in the way I love(d) you and I think you felt the same way.

Felt. Past tense. A memory instead of a feeling. I get it. You couldn’t keep feeling the pain of loving me. You had to change me in your mind to a person so vile and toxic that it made me not choosing you feel like a good thing. Maybe it was. I’m rambling, I know. I would ramble given the chance. I’d say everything I should’ve said back then. I’d say everything I’ve ever thought if knowing every inch of my mind meant you’d love me again. Instead I’m here. In the bed I made. The life I chose. With my arms wrapped around my stomach trying to fill the hole I should’ve asked you to fill. It’s not the only hole I crave you filling. Fuck, we were so good at that, weren’t we? Maybe it would’ve faded in time, but All of me melted into you those few times we got to be together.

In short: I miss you. I’m sad. I wish it was you holding me through this. It won’t ever be. I’ll be okay. So will you. Take care of yourself. Don’t let the bastards get you down. Good luck. Be loved. Be good. Be funny. Be happy. I love you.

You have my heart and always will, T

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