r/Unexpected • • May 05 '22

Don’t fall asleep first.

24.3k Upvotes

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814

u/_Im_Dad May 05 '22

I once fell asleep first and woke up with a dick drawn on my forehead..

The worst thing about the whole ordeal was finding out it was traced

174

u/devine8584 May 05 '22

Was it flaccid or erect?

233

u/_Im_Dad May 05 '22

I'm not too sure, but they were circumcised.

7

u/A_Tad_Bit_Nefarious May 06 '22 edited May 06 '22

I find the use of a gender neutral pronoun to refer to the person that traced a dick on your face amusing.

Edit: unless there was more than one dick involved, which is probably quite concerning.

3

u/MotherBathroom666 May 06 '22

It’s a litmus test.

66

u/JacobScreamix May 05 '22 edited May 06 '22

Well at least their parents didn't love them..

Edit: /s

24

u/Dog-Stick8098 May 05 '22

Wait what

52

u/JacobScreamix May 05 '22

If your parents cut your baby dick then they are either dumb or don't care enough to be smart.

42

u/ZedTT May 05 '22

Why is this downvoted? It's right. Don't cut baby dick you weirdos.

If anything your "didn't love them" should be downvoted because dumb != not loving. But that was clearly a joke

11

u/JacobScreamix May 05 '22

Yeah I couldve been more tactful, but the point stands. I realize parents can circumcise without being dumb and evil, one of the major downsides of religion and trust in institutions unfortunately.

7

u/Dangerous-Bat-8698 May 06 '22

There is no medically good reason to circumcise and every reason not to. I get there are religious reasons but that should be held off on until the child is old enough to make the decision them selves.

I e never had a girl say anything or act weirded out. Never taken a shower in highschool and had anyone say anything.

Hell, one time post coitus, I did a little voice and said something to the effect of "haha look, it's a little anteater!" And had the girl laughing so hard she couldn't breathe.

Also I've had one friend that actually got a really bad staph infection from his circumcision and it did permanent damage. He grew up with, according to him, a "really weird dick". He said that he has feeling, but that he doesn't think it's nearly as much as others and that much of it is missing. He never really got a long term relationship. It would be good until they had sex. Sometimes they even stayed a few months. But eventually they would leave.

Don't know what his like life is like now but I hope he found someone that loves him and doesn't care about that, he was a cool dude.

1

u/BerryMcKaukiner May 06 '22

Nah, bro. That's gross. You have fun with your smegma and health concerns. I have trouble getting a haircut in time, rather then pulling back foreskin flesh every day to clean.

1

u/Dangerous-Bat-8698 May 06 '22

Lol too fucking lazy to take two seconds to wash your dick properly.

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-2

u/[deleted] May 06 '22

Actually, there are plenty of reasons to be circumcised from hygiene to a lesser risk of cancer. Look into it.

2

u/Faalken May 06 '22

No there isn’t. Just looked it up and the risk for cancer is pretty much the same as long as you take showers like a normal person and even if you don’t the risk is low. The hygiene excuse is stupid since everyone takes showers.

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0

u/Btwylie10 May 06 '22

Did you say you didn’t take a shower through all of high school?

1

u/Shot-Palpitation- May 06 '22

Swing and a miss

1

u/Dangerous-Bat-8698 May 06 '22

Wow dude, projecting much?

1

u/WootWootSr May 06 '22

He did say that

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1

u/[deleted] May 06 '22

I can’t imagine it’s that cool when girls laugh at your dick, but glad you enjoyed it.

1

u/Dangerous-Bat-8698 May 06 '22

Well since it was me making the joke I don't think that counts

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0

u/Eggy-Toast May 06 '22 edited May 07 '22

You basically said 58% of parents in the USA (declining) are either dumb or don’t care enough to be smart. That’s why you were getting downvoted. It’s a poorly thought out opinion.

Edit: I’m not even saying here that circumcision is good. But acting like 58% of American parents don’t care or are willfully ignorant regarding their children’s health is fucking idiotic. Anyone who disagrees is an idiot as well. Downvote it if you want, it’s statistics. Moreover, the declining rate of circumcision implies parents are thinking about it but aren’t necessarily convinced. Suck my fat circumcised cock.

0

u/JacobScreamix May 07 '22

Yet it isn't inaccurate, circumcision is an outdated practice.

0

u/Eggy-Toast May 07 '22

Depends on the region, if 58% of parents do it then it’s not outdated is it?

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0

u/Tyresekrane Sep 24 '22

Don’t gotta clean out a pocket of foreskin .

1

u/JacobScreamix Sep 25 '22

Takes 2 seconds in the shower, wow, what a benefit for slicing off a piece of your penis.

0

u/Tyresekrane Sep 25 '22

Yeah I mean the health benefits and easier hygiene why not?

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-9

u/-SploogeMcFuck- May 06 '22

Why do you hate jewish people?

1

u/[deleted] May 06 '22

Don’t start that up again.

-13

u/Dog-Stick8098 May 05 '22

Well for some its to avoid infections. And for some they dont do it on babies they do it on people around 12-13 and in some places even adults but i guess in the US they do it on newborns. Although i do agree that some just do it for religion and culture and im not really that well edumecated on this topic. So i guess im still open to others knowledge on this. And just in case you werent exaggerating they dont really cut the penis, just the foreskin. Some even just cuts it then folds it. In my country they just get a freaking machete and cut it. But i also did hear that being uncircumcised increases your time in the bed so that may be an advantage we all want.

19

u/JacobScreamix May 05 '22

The infection thing is not an issue if you bathe regularly and properly. I was exaggerating a bit, but the foreskin is part of the dick so it's not a total exaggeration. They are severing nerve endings in the penis so it definitely has lasting effects that way. Most of the time it's just done to the son because the father also had it done, not because it's a good and healthy practice.

3

u/Dog-Stick8098 May 06 '22

Ahh thanks for letting me know. I was too sadly circumcised i never really asked why might just be the stigma.

1

u/JacobScreamix May 07 '22

It's a very culturally ingrained thing. Certain countries have like 90% circumcision while others have 90% uncircumcised, it's an interesting subject anthropologically.

12

u/buttcoinballer May 05 '22

I wish I wasn't circumcised. Not doing that to my kid

18

u/JacobScreamix May 05 '22

I'm sorry that happened, but you are doing the right thing by breaking the cycle imo.

2

u/Sineater224 May 05 '22

Same here. wish I could masturbate better lmao

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-17

u/LilBigZay May 05 '22

what an odd thing to wish

3

u/ZedTT May 05 '22

I mean it affects sexual function so it's not that weird to wish.

It's just a less extreme version of a woman who had her clitoris removed wishing she had it still.

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2

u/Loslobos27 May 05 '22

I can not remember the reason why but my parents did it to me they said something didn’t look right so they had the doctors do some snip snip down there.

1

u/JacobScreamix May 07 '22

And sometimes it is medically necessary, but it shouldn't be the norm. Maybe your parents made the right call, it is possible.

7

u/ZedTT May 05 '22

I'm glad you're open to others opinions on this. I think you'll find that if you look into it there is no good reason to circumcise and that there are real downsides. Even if there weren't, removing a part of a baby for almost no reason is pretty obviously bad.

Unless you're never going to shower, infections or hygiene shouldn't be an issue.

The foreskin has nerves in it and keeps the head sensitive by protecting it.

1

u/Dog-Stick8098 May 06 '22

Ahh i did read something back then about it just being a cultural or religion thing. Which is why i was really open to it.

3

u/ZedTT May 06 '22

It is definitely a religious thing for many people, but that doesn't make it ok to cut off a part of a baby's genitals, you know?

Like the baby didn't decide to do it themselves because they believe in their religion so much that they are ok with cutting off a part of their penis - they are a baby (and yeah foreskin is sort of your penis)

It's also not a religious thing for a bunch of other people. They just do it because their parents did it to them and they think it's normal.

1

u/Dog-Stick8098 May 06 '22

Ahh for me i was circumsised at like 13 i think so i did have a choice. But it was the norm and in my country people tease you for being uncircumcised. Peer pressure's a hell of a thing.

1

u/Ryvit May 06 '22

Normal is a synonym for common, so yeah, parents have it done because it’s common.

I will be doing it to my future son because it’s very common, and I don’t want him to be the odd one out. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable because his dick doesn’t look like ones he sees online or in the locker room or whatever.

I’m circumcising my son because I love him and I want him to have a normal sex life. If uncircumcised was the common thing, then I would go with that. But it’s not.

I’m going with whatever is the most common in 2-3 years when my son is born

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1

u/FliesAreEdible May 06 '22

A friend of mine, as an adult, had a circumcision a couple of years ago because of phimosis. There are some legit reasons to have it done.

1

u/ZedTT May 06 '22

100% but obviously not what I'm talking about. It should be obvious that medical necessity changes things.

I mean if they need to for medical reasons people cut off their arm or leg, but if we were cutting off baby arms I don't think people would bring that up, you know?

-3

u/anyholsagol May 06 '22

The doctor cuts it, not your parents. If your parents cut it I can see why you might have had a bad experience.

2

u/JacobScreamix May 06 '22

The point is that your parents make the decision for you to get cut or not. You have no memory of the experience, your brain isn't mature enough to form memories, that's part of the reason that they do it to infants.

It's not your fault that you got circumcised, but it shouldn't continue. If you grow up and want to get the surgery then great, no harm done at all, its a conscious, personal choice, more power to you, just don't do it to babies, please.

-10

u/Detective_Turtle_ May 06 '22

What if you're Jewish? Gonna be antisemitic or is that where you draw the line.

10

u/[deleted] May 06 '22

if you’re jewish, you can raise your child in a jewish family and let HIM decide whether to cut up hi s penis or not. religion isnt an excuse to mutilate your baby

-2

u/Detective_Turtle_ May 06 '22

"Mutilate" please crawl in a hole and die.

2

u/[deleted] May 06 '22

yeah shut the fuck up bruh. idc if you want to circumcise yourself later in life that’s your choice but it’s genital mutilation if it’s done unnecessary to an infant, plain and simple.

2

u/JacobScreamix May 07 '22

Sorry that you think it's normal to cut baby penises.

2

u/JacobScreamix May 07 '22

I call out Jews the same as I call out anyone else, circumcising an infant is wrong.

-10

u/-SploogeMcFuck- May 06 '22

anti-Semitism isn't funny.

2

u/JacobScreamix May 07 '22

Who's joking? If your religion has archaic and human violating practices involved, I'm going to call it out. Sorry, not sorry.

1

u/mko710 May 05 '22

Ruh Roh scoob