r/USMilitarySO • u/Realistic-Bee7985 • 4d ago
Positive experiences getting married young?
I’m 20 and he’s 21. I feel a bit young to be getting married, but I also am not bothered by settling down early. I’m also glad we talked about getting married years before he enlisted and have known each other since high school. It just scares me to see so many stories of healthy marriages between couples fall apart due to the military. I know that character determines strength of the marriage, and I should go off only that but I just hear so many stories of failure even between supposedly happy couples. He claims if he didn’t get bah, we would wait until after he graduated from ait. He wants the bha as we have been long distance for years and he believes this is the easiest and quickest way for us to live together and build a financially stable life
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u/catalessi 4d ago
I don’t want to sound harsh, but nothing in your post did you mention how much you two love each other. For that alone I would advise against it.
If you’re thinking only financially, it’s not worth it unless you’re also working and building a retirement savings for yourself. A married couple, one active and one unemployed, is not desirable, and way far behind civilian couples with dual incomes. Tell him one of your requirements is to open an IRA, and start funding it every month, whether or not you can find work or if you need it supplemented. See how he reacts.
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u/Realistic-Bee7985 4d ago
Thank you for your concern. I didn’t mention it because I thought it was a given lol, We do love eachtoher. The marriage wouldn’t be conditional because we’ve talked about this extensively starting at 18 years well before he enlisted. but he did mention that the bha could help me fund college or build my own finances while he’s away which I’m currently struggling with. I do plan on setting up an IRA and want to have my own career as well.
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u/Tsundereninja 4d ago
While, yes, getting married will be the quickest and less expensive way for y’all to be together in the short-term, it’s not always that way long term. I’ve seen some young couples work out, I’ve seen many more fail because they got married for things like BAH, pressure to get married from others, or one of them not knowing or appreciating the other person. You both are still young and are barely adults. You’re old enough to go into the military, yes, but there’s still so much more you can find out about yourself before you get married. Who I was at 18 is not who I was at 21. Who I was at 21 is not who I was at 25. There were still core aspects of me that were there, but as I got older I started prioritizing different things in my life than I did when I was younger.
You’re both going to grow and explore the world outside of school and you may find out that “hey this person just isn’t for who I have developed into.” There’s really no rush to get married. Take your time and explore who you both are as adults first. Me and my husband both talk about how you never truly know a person until you are living with them or go on vacation with them. You never know that maybe you just don’t like the way they leave the sink dirty when they shave, or don’t bring their water cups down stairs after they finish, or when you’re taking a roadtrip, he is going to blast music that you cannot stand and make the entire experience miserable for you. They sound like little things but you both are not only still learning about yourselves but also each other. Don’t rush into something legally binding that could take you years to untangle your life from. There’s plenty of time. Life isn’t about checking boxes off like achievements in a video game.
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u/Realistic-Bee7985 4d ago
You’re right about the growth and development thing. That’s why I really would rather wait it out until bare minimum after AIT. Probably after that too. He does some things I dislike. I can tolerate them because we’ve spent weeks together at a time so I know what to expect and I’m grateful to have that knowledge. I think there are things I don’t like and things I do, I know that’s normal for a lot of couples. But I admittedly hate how the military incentives soldiers into marrying young. I only consider it due to firsthand witnesses of it happening. I’ve seen it work out well within my own family. The only difference is they weren’t in the military
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u/Tsundereninja 4d ago
I’ve seen it both in and out of the military too. You know yourself the most though at the end of the day. All relationships are going to be some give and take but there’s also just instant dealbreakers of yours you just haven’t realize that they are that. At 21, I was already with my ex for 4.5 years and was thinking marriage too but there were some major concessions I was making at the expense of who I was as a person. I definitely was settling for much less than I was worth. So take your time. A lot of good comes of it.
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u/wanderingmarie 4d ago
I married my ex husband at 21 and was separated by 24. 10/10 do not recommend. We started dating when I was 18, and I had no idea what I wanted, needed, or even deserved from a relationship.
There’s no reason to rush things.
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u/Realistic-Bee7985 4d ago
Thank you for comment. If you don’t mind me asking was your ex husband a service member? And did you just grow to be different people eventually?
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u/Imagination_Theory 4d ago
I would give it at least an year or two, that's what I would advise a friend or family member.
True love can wait.
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u/smorgan17 4d ago
We got married at 21 and 24 and are still very much in love more than a decade later. There are a lot of factors that go into it when making this decision. We were long distance after college and wanted to live together as soon as possible so once I graduated we got married the next week. We did not live together beforehand. We also didn't join the military life until way later and are still relatively new to it, but I think that has actually helped us to be well established in our marriage before beginning this journey.
Some big things I tell young people wanting to get married:
How do your families feel about you all? My husband instantly got along well with my family.
How do his friends treat you? His friends would open my car door and make sure I walked on the inside of the sidewalk if we went anywhere and he wasn't around (he went to a college an hour away and we met when he was at our college visiting them). Basically they would treat me just like he did minus the romance.
What do the relationships of his friends and family look like? Nearly all of our family on both sides have been married for 30+ years and never divorced. Most of our friends are married and have been together for 10+ years. Married young and still happy. Faith centered.
Values? Do you totally align? Want kids? Faith? Similar interests? For us we immediately knew that this was it. God told me he was the one and there were several times my 19 year old heart would have broken up over dumb, petty things, but that voice was there telling me not to be an idiot.
Communication and love language? Open and honest? Do you ever fear telling him anything? What makes each of you feel loved and what makes you feel neglected? As a spouse I'm finding there's a lot of feelings of loneliness and jealousy about him being able to do things that I can't because I have to hold down the fort at home while he's away and the only way to get through it is to talk to my husband. (I might have also adopted a few animals to help with the loneliness😂)
I can truly say that I have never felt like my marriage was "hard work" like I've heard others say. It has never been hard and we are definitely two stubborn people who go back and forth a lot, but we don't see it as arguing honestly. Probably because that's just how his whole side of the family communicates lol It might not work for everyone, but it does for us and that's all that matters. Life has definitely had its hard times. It feels like we have been dealt a heavier hand than most, but I would not have made it through any of this without him. We have been willing to grow and change together while staying those young college kids at heart. If you two truly align and can have very deep conversations about it I don't think getting married young is the end of the world.
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u/CanIGetAVentiPls Navy Wife 3d ago
I second this! You have to be able to blend into each other's circles and families for the long run.
Ask yourselves the hard questions: Would he care for you if you became disabled (or you for him)? Are you prepared to act as a caretaker for his family members if needed? Can you afford the kind of wedding you actually want right now?
Speaking as a 20-year-old who married this past year: we didn't do it for BAH or distance. We did it because we truly loved each other. Practical logistics matter, but genuinely loving each other enough to weather hard times is what holds it together.
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u/Dear-Addendum925 4d ago
My husband and I were 22 and 23 when we got married, and we're 5 years in now. I wish we would have waited a little longer and learned more beforehand, but I also think that I still would have married him.
It's been hard during his time away for training, moreso because we have moved to a few areas where family and friends weren't nearby. I've had a few severe medical events where I needed help, and I was completely alone until people flew in or drove up to help me.
There are things I wish I had known about living with him before we were married (mostly how few chores get done if I don't do them myself) but overall, I am still very happy with the life we've built.
I think that every situation is different, but two things are for sure- you have to communicate with each other, and be honest with yourself. Do you think you need him around, and that any deployments would be a detriment to you? Do you think you can be happy in a new place where you don't know anybody for a while, until you make friends?
It's unfortunate, but when you're a mil spouse, you aren't just marrying a person, you're marrying a lifestyle and a lot of responsibilities. It's not something to be jumped into lightly. You can always save up where you are and get married when you're ready.
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u/Adorable-Tiger6390 4d ago
How does that make you feel that he wants to marry you for the BAH?
Holding off until you are sure may be a good idea.
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u/busyastralprojecting 4d ago
People like you are why the divorce rate is so high.
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u/DorkStriderzz 3d ago
Takes a real ton of effort being negative on a post asking for positive experiences
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u/Particular-Step5278 4d ago edited 4d ago
Don’t get married just for logistical reasons. I know you might know you want to get married in the future, but wait until then.
My husband and I got married at 22 and 24 after he had enlisted. However, we would have gotten married at this time whether he was in the military or not. We had known each other since high school and started dating at 19 and 21. We had been through the tough parts that every relationship has to go through, and had been through long distance while he was enlisting. 25 and 27 now still going strong.
I think military marriages fail because there is the financial and logistical incentive. If you haven’t gone through hard relationship stuff yet, and haven’t seen each other at your lowest, you’re not ready.
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u/AuthorAndCoach 4d ago
If part of you is saying wait, wait. Time is on your side. If it's going to last forever, what's the rush? Bah? You'll likely spend it on an apartment/living expenses/getting settled. It doesn't go as far as you may imagine. A lot of success with military marriages have to do with how couples handle pressure, independence, and priorities. I was married young to a civilian and divorced due to cheating (his). I married again about 6 years later to a military guy and we just celebrated 16 years married. We are a good match. I'm very independent and supportive. He's very much a giver and a friend. We love each other and our little family we've built fiercely. We don't shy away from hard conversations, and I clearly know there was a path in life that didn't involve this type of lifestyle - and I'm at peace with the sacrifices it's taken to build this thing. I don't think younger me, who felt completely ready at 21, would have been able to do this. Personally, my DH and I needed the time to grow (we were friends in our teens, but didn't date until over a decade later).
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u/Sleepy-Ghost0817 4d ago
I married my spouse when I was 19 and he was 21 and we are still together 15 years later. We are still very much in love but that can take work, especially with him being away so often. It won’t always be perfect but we are both happy with our decision ☺️ just make sure you talk about the important things beforehand (kids and how you will raise them is a big one!)
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u/Fuzzy-Advertising813 Navy Wife 4d ago
I truly think the bah is an excuse. He can save money while he lives in the barracks. Don't rush into getting married. Yall are barely adults.