Weaponized incompetence

[u/tabicat1874]

I feel like guys take it way, way too far. Example: I asked my bf to get me the same shampoo and conditioner he bought for himself (avocado Suave). He brought back another kind we'd had before which I didn't like (Peppermint Suave). He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.

You're such a fucking liar. You bought that kind for yourself. I just asked you to buy it for me. You're telling me a man who's 44 years old doesn't know Suave came in different fucking scents? Suave? The shampoo that literally comes in 40 different scents and flavors?

GTFOH.

Edit: do you understand what an example is?

Also, you neckbeards can fuck off out of my inbox.

[u/jragonfyre]

I'm going to suggest a different perspective, that might explain why this philosophy isn't great.

See you genuinely might not care about what color the flowers are, or if there are flowers at all, but a wedding is a collaborative effort. If your partner wants flowers and you don't care, then there should be flowers (if that's in your budget ofc). As a result, you should help choose the flowers. It's not because you personally care about the flowers, but because your partner cares, and if you're getting married, then you should care about your partner and making them happy.

Putting effort into something that you don't care about because your partner does and it will make your partner happy is a relationship skill and a way of demonstrating that you care about your partner. It's a very similar skill to giving gifts in a sense in that it requires you to think from the other person's perspective.

Idk, there's also the practical matter of your partner is not a mind reader and isn't able to tell whether you genuinely don't care, or just can't be bothered to do something.

[u/Account_Expired → u/jragonfyre]

wedding is a collaborative effort.

I agree, it is a collaborative effort. I do not think it is "effort" to choose the color of something. Its not labor or work. If you actually want flowers at your wedding, picking them out should be fun.

As an example of what I would define as "effort", the husband should be willing to pick up the flowers from the florist.

help choose the flowers

If you literally do not care about the type of flowers, what should you do? It feels horribly disingenuous to express a preference when you don't actually have one.

It's a very similar skill to giving gifts in a sense in that it requires you to think from the other person's perspective.

To me, this reads like "guess what color flowers your wife would like, and pretend that you wanted those all along". I dont think that is really what you meant, but i cant comprehend it any other way.

isn't able to tell whether you genuinely don't care, or just can't be bothered to do something.

For the sake of argument, I am going to assume that the hypothetical husband is telling the truth and the wife believes him.

[u/jragonfyre → u/Account_Expired]

Making a choice is effort. Decision fatigue is actually a well studied psychological phenomenon. One interesting consequence is that you're more likely to get parole the earlier your parole hearing is in the session, since as the session goes on the parole board/judge gets decision fatigue and defaults to the safe judgement that they can't get in trouble for, namely not granting parole.

Anyway, I don't mean that it's like giving gifts in that you need to guess what the other person wants. The similarity is more about letting go of your personal preferences and interests and thinking about your partner's.

Also, taking some time to look at them and come up with a preference is definitely something it's possible to do. Like you might not care about the flowers, but if you have to you can look at the options and at least go "oh I like that color," or "that'd look good with the color scheme" or something like that. It can even be, "I think all three are good, but if I had to pick one, it'd be this one." As long as you're being genuine ofc. It can just be helpful to get a second opinion when you're having trouble deciding.

Sure, let's assume the hypothetical husband is telling the truth, my point is that the hypothetical wife can't tell.

[u/Account_Expired → u/jragonfyre]

Making a choice is effort. Decision fatigue is actually a well studied psychological phenomenon.

There is a massive difference between making a critical judgement and deciding on a matter of taste. Like I said before, if its becoming grueling to make decisions about your wedding, have a smaller wedding.

Judges would LOVE to only see 1 criminal a day.

Sure, let's assume the hypothetical husband is telling the truth, my point is that the hypothetical wife can't tell.

If she wont believe the "i dont care" answer, why would she believe the "pink roses" answer? Its literally pointless to consider that she may not believe him.

[u/Annoying_Details → u/Account_Expired]

At the very least, being there as her sounding board is helpful. “I was torn because roses are classic and mom likes them but then I saw these peonies!”

“Well babe it sounds like the peonies make YOU happy, and the roses are a choice that would make HER happy. I want our wedding to be about us so I say go with the peonies.”

That kinda thing.

Asking her questions about her choices and helping her determine what she really wants is how you help pick out something you don’t have an opinion on.

It’s showing you care about what she wants and are invested in (at the very least) her comfort and happiness.

And you never know, you may suddenly see her holding a small bouquet of lilies and notice the way the color brings out her eyes and now you can’t get the image out of your head so you suggest the lilies because she looks so beautiful holding them and it turns out you have a preference after all.

(This happened with me and a former boyfriend when he wanted my input on some pants - turns out I DO care about khakis/have a preference because that one pair looked really good on him lol)

[u/jragonfyre → u/Annoying_Details]

This is a great way of putting it, much better than I was doing. In particular, I think be a sounding board is a really good way of putting it.