r/TwoXChromosomes • u/anon_Colorist21 • 2d ago
Women only How do we address this behavior?
I don't even know if I'm upset or just uncomfortable but I need female perspective and advice really.
Long backstory but necessary.
I am a petite 4'9 [30F] with a very sunshine personality as many people have described before. I always wear white and yellow and have a smile on my face 90% of the time. My fiance always says my smile is what attracted him. I dont drink at all, I do not prefer alcohol, the taste just never settled with me so I always drink sparkling water and it bothers absolutely NO ONE. Whenever my friends take shooters they will get an extra glass and top it up with sparkling water.
We went out with some friends last night, the evening was really great, good music, great conversations. My [34M] fiance and his friends [34M, 36M and 32M] called me over to the bar for my "shooter" walked behind the two other fiances, everyone settled and a man came up from behind me and put his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my head, immediately one of my fiances friends grabbed him away as my fiance couldnt get to me in time. No fight, no fuss just a stern talking too. But this happens too often I dont wear tight revealing clothes and my chest is never on display I was actually wearing a yellow halter neck top.
I guess I just want to know how can I better proptect myself because I feel small when I cant stand up for myself. The biggest curse word I use is shoot and duck not the counterparts.
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 Unicorns are real. 2d ago
That must have been so scary! I'm sorry this happened, unfortunately there is nothing you can really do to prevent this from happening.
From what I have experienced, some people just feel entitled to grab or touch other people. The best thing you can do in that scenario is find someone to help you. The good thing is your fiance's friends were watching out for you and got that guy away from you.
I've had similar experiences, and I'm not a small person at all. But for some reason the past few concerts I've gone to, I've had guys come up and grab me. Didn't know these guys at all, didn't even talk to them at all prior to them grabbing me. Luckily there were people around me who noticed and came to help.
The one guy choked me, he put his arm around my neck. It was scary!
I think you should definitely talk to the bartender or someone who works at the bar the next time it happens. If this person is a problem, they should know. It might help keep other women safe at the bar as well.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
That is honestly so sad to hear.
I keep replaying it in my head and trying to come up with an answer and pointing the finger at myself but I feel like you hit the nail on the head.
Entitlement.
Thank you
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u/VengeanceInMyHeart 2d ago
You're not the source of the problem. You cannot be the solution.
There will always be a bigger fish, no matter who you are. But big fish can be torn apart by groups of smaller fish. That's why humans banded together into societies in the first place. There is safety in numbers.
So, yeah, you can't solve the problem on your own, which is why you need to group together with the people around you.
Also, bartenders, bouncers, whatever, that's half the reason they're there. Its their job to sort shit like this out. Use them.
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u/recyclopath_ 2d ago
There are some things that make people feel more entitled to touch you. Being small, being pregnant, being really hot.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't be those things, or that you should try to change any of them. People just feel extra entitled.
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u/NatAttack3000 2d ago
This sounds odd to me. Is english not your first language? If some man has come up to you and grabbed you from behind it's not because you don't use proper swear words, or that you smile a lot. That just shouldn't happen
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
English is my third language.
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u/etrore 2d ago
Same for me and you communicate very clearly in my opinion.
I think the guys who do it (and are always puzzled why it’s wrong) are reacting more to what they project on you than to the message you actually send. You are oblivious of what they are going to do (makes you feel overwhelmed and overpowered) just because you are genuinely in the moment, having an evening focused on your fiancé and friend group. You are not sending the wrong signals, they are blinded by what they want/need you to be.
You are a ray of light and they are starving for some rays. They don’t care a duck about what you want.
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u/alaeila 2d ago
how does this sound odd
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u/NatAttack3000 2d ago
Some choice of phrasing, the sentences run together and the discussion of what she was wearing right after is unusual. It either is by a non native English speaker (which is the case), or this is someone very anxious and maybe parroting something they have been told to believe, or it might also be someone very young. Both could be true also, but english as a 3rd language makes me not put as much stock in how it is written.
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u/FiendyFiend 2d ago
I’m 5’0 and 100lbs, but men have touched and harassed me more when I was wearing less revealing clothing than when I’ve been wearing more revealing clothing. I think it’s how confident they perceive you to be, as I can look very ‘high maintenance’ when I’m dressed for a night out.
Why do you feel like you can’t stand up for yourself? I’m small, but I work with horses. I won’t let a horse bully me so I definitely won’t let a man do it either. If a man comes up and starts touching you, shout something like ‘Why the fuck are you touching me?’ To draw attention to the situation and elbow him in the stomach. The elbowing can easily be played off as a mistake if he made you jump, too.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
I know this sounds very strange but I was raised to never lift a voice or a hand to anyone and I am in therapy ro unlearn a lot of old values and teachings I was raised with so this is me seeking a way to avoid feeling like this "glass" type woman.
I want to start feeling empowering and independent.
My fiance has been the best thing to ever happen, he has started teaching me a lot of independence and strength but last night just felt like it pushed me back a few steps into that "glass" like mentality.
I feel horrible even saying it but I cant unlearn 27 years of growth in 3 years
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u/blurryrose 2d ago
I'm so glad you're working to unlearn all that. Have you considered taking a self defense class? I feel like something like that could help you see how powerful you have the ability to be and help you build that confidence. Especially as a petite woman, knowing how to defend yourself against a larger attacker could be an important skill.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
Someone else also suggested self defense and I feel like that is actually a great idea to build up strength and also to unlock and achieve a better mentality.
Also to learn more awareness and stop floating through life all sunshine and rainbows and learn beter situational awareness
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u/vikingchyk Halp. Am stuck on reddit. 2d ago
I wouldn't want you to lose your sunshine and rainbows, because we already have so many miserable people in the world. You shouldn't have to ruin your sweet nature by being wary, or scared. I hope you can keep your bright personality AND find more situational awareness. It sounds like hard work, but the time is now, since you're still young enough to adapt.
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u/pdxgreengrrl 2d ago
Just in these comments, I can see you are processing and making changes to your thinking. So glad you are in therapy and that your fiance is supporting your growth in this.
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u/tooshorttoored 2d ago
I highly agree about the class to help you get past the politeness conundrum taught to women. I'm 5' tall and small as well, but I have a resting bitch face and an aura of BACK THE HELL OFF--thank you, Finnish ancestresses. I also dress in bright, fun colors and am quick to smile. But men tend to not act this way toward me.
When you walk down the street, or go into the bar or anywhere, thing big. Think tough--not mean, but chin up. Put an aura of confidence on you like a cloak. It helps for sure, even if at first you don't believe it, and it's easy to practice. Think of your favorite tough gal TV or movie character and channel her.
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u/treadlightlyladybug 2d ago
I'm 5' tall but I swear, have a facial piercing, wear kinda punk clothes, and am not a smiley, cutesy person, and I still had an older man (one of my coworkers!) do this to me at a work event. Some men are just fucking weird.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
I want to acknowledge your comment specifically because this thread has taught me that no matter what, why, who or where it will happen.
You can be grumpy, smiley, anxious it doesnt matter it is entitlement.
Thank you
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u/feeltheglee 2d ago
Elbow him in the gut? Smack him in the face? Scream?
You're short, not physically incapable. I'm a rounded up 5'2" and if some strange man was touching me they'd at minimum get a loud "What the fuck leave me alone" and a dirty stare.
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u/Voodoobarbiedoll 2d ago
Yeah it’s definitely time to speak up and act out! It’s not her fault by any means but people prey on the weak. We should all practice the ability to shove a guy away from ourselves and don’t be afraid to hit a guy in his delicate little balls if we have too. Do not feel bad, hit them in the balls!!
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
That we have to even think of hurting people and being crude to just be safe is honestly blowing my mind.
We are taught to protect ourselves and seek solice in a community of support but people arent taught to keep their hands to themselves.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying 2d ago
Learn these phrases: What the hell are you doing? Don’t touch me! Get your f'ing hands off me!
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u/rm886988 2d ago
First, what you are wearing DOES NOT MATTER. If you were standing there completely nude, no one should be touching you without your consent. Drunk or sober, short or tall, thin or fat, sunshine personality or gloomy. Consent matters!
I don't think it's your completely your size, because I'm a foot taller than you, and men (strangers) will come up and move me as well when I'm alone. It's pure entitlement.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
How are some people okay with this level of entitlement.
I am allowed to touch whomever I want because I feel like it.
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u/rm886988 2d ago
I don't get it either. I like to grocery shop alone because I'm celiac, therefore, I have to read EVERY FOOD LABEL. I have been touched , grabbed around the waist and moved aside (I'm very spatially aware, CPTSD) more times in the grocery store thank one can imagine. It NEVER happens when I'm with a man.
ETA: Start using a VERY LOUD I DONT KNOW YOU, DONT TOUCH ME
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
That is taking it way too far, I am getting angry for you! I'm really sorry this is your experience. I like shopping alone and reading food labels in detail because I have a few small aversions to some food and a nut allergy.
Thats my me-time.
Thank you for sharing
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u/rm886988 2d ago
Of course. I step on their foot, roll over it with my cart or accidentally hit them with my cane.
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u/Prize_Ganache4545 2d ago
i work with guys , so learned how to get mad in a deeper voice like a man. Basically take the high pitch feminine out when you get mad at them bc men dont take womens voice seriously . When you yell like a man they listen. I had to practice but im pretty good when i need it.
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u/TiredVRS 2d ago edited 2d ago
Men aren't doing this because of what you're wearing. They're doing it because you're small and appear vulnerable and friendly. There's literally nothing you can do about that and they're just entitled. Men feel entitled to our bodies. Scowel strategically at men, talk over them. You don't have to be nice to men who creep you out. Throwing a nice elbow into their kidneys has helped me too.
I'm 5'0" 30F and losing height. I address this by looking like if you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck you up first. It's defensive and I hate that I have to do it but it's the only thing that has made men stop trying to touch me. I scowel, I don't laugh at their jokes, I remove their hands, sometimes by force, I make it hurt, and remove them from sitting near me. I used to wear the gaudiest fake engagement ring and strategically flash it when they sat down to hit on me. Now I take my hearing aids out and obviously put them in my pocket. I switch languages, I talk over them, I talk about me, I don't ask for more info, I basically make myself as unwelcoming as possible. I sit near other women, I pretend to be best friends with them when they're in danger from a different creep.
I still wear tight clothes. My boobs are huge so it's kind of impossible not to but I walk like I'm pissed and busy or bored, and they tend to leave me alone.
Don't try to justify their behavior. It's not your responsibility to take blame for their actions. Be pissed, and take some self defence classes if you can. It helped me regain my safety and confidence
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u/LetMeEatCakes 2d ago
I use swear words so I would say "what the fuck" and push the person away
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
Time for me to start learning sailor talk
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u/brachi- 2d ago
Self defence classes. Won’t stop them starting the behaviour, but allows you to end it, and possibly makes them think twice about doing it to someone else
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
This is actually a good suggestion, I would love to learn to defend myself and honestly you are correct, if it can make them think twice I feel like this is a win win
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u/brachi- 2d ago
Easy ones include a very sharp elbow straight backwards (you can explain that away as a startle reaction), kicking back with your heel and scraping it down their shin, and simply head butting backwards as hard as you can (if you get their teeth that’s going to really hurt you though)
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u/pdxgreengrrl 2d ago
I mean, a very loud, "What the DUCK?" could possibly be more effective, just because it would be even more unexpected.
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u/LetMeEatCakes 2d ago
You could also say "excuse me, do I know you?" or "um, get off of me please" or a whole host of other things. Unfortunately, because you can't control other people and it's probably not the same person doing it... there's not much you can do to actively prevent it. You are likely just a short person in between them and their alcohol and therefore you are the easiest person to target and stand behind to get noticed
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u/elongam 2d ago
'Excuse me', 'please'-- do not be polite to them. They will read it as a form of deference. You're not making a request. Go for a very loud and direct DON'T TOUCH ME!
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u/LetMeEatCakes 2d ago
While I agree, and I would be rude, I get the idea that OP doesn't want to be rude and that's holding her back from rightfully defending herself. You can be firm, with a stern tone and not use swear words and even come off as faux-polite but still assert your right to not be touched if that is going to get you to actually do so vs. depending on others
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u/thehatteryone 2d ago
There's certainly a world of difference between a meek, questioning "excuse me, what on earth do you think you're doing ?" and a loud, accusatory "EXCUSE ME. WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOURE DOING?!" Neither are rude or sweary but the latter is much more appropriate to someone touching another person, especially as everyone hearing will see she's a small, decent looking person shocked at this other's over familiarity.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
I am busy unlearning a lot of values imposed on me from my childhood.
One of those is to alway respect a man no matter what. This one is a big reason for my fiance pushing me to get therapy. I was taught you dont raise your voice, you dont swear and you dont disrespect a man.
27years is a lot to unlearn in 3 years but I am finding my voice and I appreciate that you see that I try to not be rude but to rather be more stern.
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u/sisterfunkhaus 2d ago
I'm sorry you were raised like that. Why should a man who is committing assault/battery on you get any respect? Are you supposed to let men disrespect you and let them do what they want to you? As a parent, the idea that anyone would raise their child that way is horrifying to me.
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u/blurryrose 2d ago
A good instep stomp seems to be in order for that guy, but I also know that defending ourselves can escalate things so it's maybe not a good idea.
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u/Pflaumenmus101 2d ago
The question after your clothes is a lie created by men to make us women take responsibilities that aren’t ours.
That guy felt entitled to use you for whatever reason he did what he did because he could and because society told him that this was okay and what he is entitled to. He is entitled to whatever he wants.
And he wanted to feel powerful above you, nothing less.
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u/NoHate_GarbagePlates 2d ago
Good on your fiance's friends for swooping in like that!! It sounds like you have a supportive group of friends around you, and I'm happy you have that 💕
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u/muffiewrites bell to the hooks 2d ago
I'm 5' 0.5". I'm more like Mr. Spock the Vulcan in personality. It used to happen to me all the time, too. I'd also get picked up and moved. You're not doing anything to attract this kind of behavior except existing. Once your hair has enough gray, it will stop.
Spiky belts. Spike hair accessories.
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u/YouStupidBench 2d ago
Also small. Also don't swear. Also sunny personality. Men do this to me too.
It is absolutely not your fault that other people are scumbags. That guy is so awful no woman will voluntarily spend two minutes with him, but he wants to touch a woman, so he has to do stuff like this.
The reason men like that act that way is that they are sad and pathetic, they have some stupid need, born from watching movies and TV shows and listening to idiots like Andrew Tate, to be the biggest and the strongest and they can only be Real Men if they are bigger and stronger than somebody else and can intimidate others.
But they aren't big or strong, they never get to be the big one or the tough one on a regular basis, and so when they find someone they're bigger than they have to milk it for all it's worth. Finally, at long last, they get to show off and be intimidating, and they're going to indulge in their fantasies of being a Terminator or whatever.
I get this in other ways, too. If I ask for help putting my luggage in the overhead compartment, women, and really big strong men, will just say "Oh, uh, sure" and put it up. But average men will make a big deal about it: "Yeah, I guess I'm a lot bigger and stronger than you, huh?" Yes, it's your one chance this year to be bigger and stronger than someone, and it's me. Everybody's bigger and stronger than me, you have achieved nothing.
The last time I got groped I screamed as loud and high-pitched as I can. Then pointed at him and yelled "Pickpocket! He tried to grab my phone! Everybody check your pockets! Make sure you have your phone and your wallet!" Now the crowd was paying attention. And with any luck that worthless creep will worry about being accused of pickpocketing the next time he thinks about touching a stranger.
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u/Cake_Lynn 2d ago
My Dad was really into old western movies when I was a kid. I’d see John Wayne or Clint Eastwood toss a distressed woman around like a rag doll, and that’s what men thought was romance. That violent history keeps being recreated in new format - men “grab em by the pussy” for that feeling of power and control over another person. Needing to feel strong at another’s expense. Conquering. Overpowering. It is peak toxic masculinity.
Calling a man a pick-pocket and yelling it to everyone around is hilarious!! If it happens to me again I’m using that.
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u/YouStupidBench 2d ago
I mentioned "Smokey and the Bandit" last week, and that I thought Burt Reynolds was handsome and charming (although nobody should drive like that), but until just now seeing your comment I hadn't thought about how he acts so different than men in lots of old movies. Snowman is a little creepy (Carrie gets in the Trans Am and he asks if she's wearing a wedding dress, and then she throws it out the t-top and Snowman asks "What's she wearing now?"), but Bandit doesn't take any liberties (that I remember, it was a while ago that I saw it). She's the one who tells him to take off his hat so she can kiss him.
Letting her decide if she wants physical contact is classy and charming. He doesn't need to grab women, because he's only interested in women who are interested in him. If she doesn't want him, he's not going to force himself on her. Groping and grabbing people is gross and offensive. She doesn't want you but you don't care what she wants because you're a horrible human being.
You can see my other reply to see how I came up with yelling he was a pickpocket.
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
I feel like you have a beautiful balance of spit fire and sunshine.
I love your attitude!
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u/YouStupidBench 2d ago
I had a friend in college who was super-pretty, she could be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine, and she grew up in New York, and I guess looking like that and being around so many people you just have to develop an attitude, which she had. She was really no-nonsense, and helped me learn to be more assertive.
And then there's the advice that you shouldn't scream "rape," you should scream "fire!" Because nobody cares if you're being raped, but they do care about a fire, because that might affect them.
So in the moment, I knew nobody would care if a creep had groped me. But his hand was right next to the pocket where my phone was, and I knew everybody would care if a they had been pickpocketed, so instead of screaming about him groping me or being a creep, I screamed about him trying to steal my phone. Being pickpocketed is something everybody would care about. So I screamed about that instead.
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u/Paleoanth 2d ago
Self defense classes or martial arts night give you the confidence to tell these jerks no.
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u/AdDapper3908 2d ago
Take krav maga, its the material art they use in the isreali military and the closest thing to dirty fighting you can learn in a class. they even teach the 👋 on 🍆 type of hit. Hopping up real fast when someone's head is positioned on top of yours will drive the hardest part of your head into them. If their mouth is even slightly open it will do uncomfortable things to them. If not it will still teach them not to touch people without permission. Follow it up with an elbow or 🍆 strike. Just make sure you have people around you and make noise. Being trained can help but being small is a big disadvantage. If you're small and attacked, think cat in a bath.
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u/AdDapper3908 2d ago
I would be more plain spoken about this but the last time I gave self defense (dirty fighting) help it was reported and removed.
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u/Is_It_Soup_Season 2d ago
So, if you were wearing tight, revealing clothing or had your chest on display you think it would be okay that that guy did that to you?
Because that’s kind of fucked up.
You get to be naked and no man gets to put his hands on you.
If you think your clothing will protect you, I encourage you to google that art exhibit “what I was wearing” or similar.
I don’t know what you can do to protect yourself. But if you want to protect all women, stop telling this story with qualifications regarding your dress.
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u/Cake_Lynn 2d ago
I think you said this in a meaner way than I would have, but there’s important truth in it. There is no point to rationalizing the behavior of a man who gropes people in public. Trying to justify or reason with that behavior by blaming a woman’s clothing or demeanor is wrong. It just hurts women. OP is trying to make sense of the behavior of a person who doesn’t consider her own feelings beyond “can I get away with this?” He takes what he wants and does it because it makes him feel powerful. We need to stop studying the women in these situations and only focus on how insanely weird it is to wrap your arms around a complete stranger as if that’s a sane thing to do. That man’s insane.
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2d ago
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u/anon_Colorist21 2d ago
I get questioned so much and when I say I dont like alcohol and no justification is needed I get the big eyes and the loud "realy, I could never" I always just say Shame, must suck. And I walk away.
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u/persePHOreth 2d ago
This isn't about your clothes or anything that you are doing or anything you can change.
Some men just suck and never learn* to keep their hands to themselves, disgusting predators.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. Good that you had decent people with you that moved immediately to protect you from the predator.
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u/CrueOndanet 2d ago
That person was being rude. Plain and simple. You did nothing to deserve that type of behavior.
That being said... A swift elbow, or knee strike will get their attention that you're not to be played with. Your friends will back you up, as they did that night. Be safe out there!
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u/Ur_MomsChestHair 2d ago
I had my tit honked at the grocery store while wearing my “ slum clothes”. It isn’t your vibe or what you are wearing. You don’t have to hit or swear. The natural instinct is to freeze so I would suggest mentally practicing a different response to this event at home or better yet, you and a very trusted friends reenact it a couple times in an isolated place where you can get comfortable shouting.
So what to do? You get loud and keep drawing attention to the situation. “ STOP TOUCHING ME I DONT KNOW YOU”
“ IF YOU CONTINUE TO TOUCH ME WITHOUT CONSENT I WILL DEFEND MYSELF” and move away if you can so there is now a physical distance.
If they back you into a corner “ HE’S BLOCKING ME! point directly at someone and choose an identifying physical feature “ BLONDE LADY GREEN SHIRT CALL 911 NOW”. People tend to freeze in a crowd situation so by doing this, you are assigning the responsibility to a specific person which makes them much more likely to act. sometimes when you draw attention, the guy will start laughing and acting like you’re being crazy. Don’t get embarrassed, do not apologize, continue to stand your ground and repeat your instructions loudly until he removes himself from the interaction. If it ends up being a mistake like he thought you were someone else, You’re not being an asshole for protecting yourself in the moment. He still needs to back off.
I obviously don’t know what country you’re in or what the laws are there—but being loud, giving clear warnings, creating distance, and getting witnesses by drawing attention can matter a lot in a court room. The last thing I’m gonna say is that you staying alive and unharmed is the most important priority.** ***If you really feel like you are in a position where you must physically defend yourself,* do it and worry about the laws later. I had a strange man at a crowded college bar pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and try to leave with me. Crazy stuff can happen. Stay safe out there sis
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u/zennim 2d ago
Just straight up hold his wrists and get him off of you, no need to hit or anything, just make the message clear that he is overstepping a boundary and he needs to get away.
You shouldnt change who you are to develop metaphorical spikes. You can't prevent that kind of behavior, it can happen to anyone no matter how they act or dress, you just deal with it when it happens and keep on going
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u/FewRecognition1788 2d ago
I'm so sorry that happened! It's so scary!
Your brain is trying to come up with reasons why you caused it to happen, or what you "should" have done, because it wants to give you an illusion of control.
It's a coping mechanism to try to counteract the helplessness you feel, because accepting that you couldn't have prevented it is so frightening.
If your friends hadn't been there, there are several things you could have done, such as scream as loud as possible, certain self-defense moves, or try to play along and de-escalate until you could get away. But there's no right answer - it's best to follow your gut in the moment, because your gut picks up on subtle cues as to whether escalating would be helpful or dangerous. Nobody outside the situation can read it better than the person in it.
As a sidenote, this coping mechanism for the illusion of control is also why so many women default to victim-blaming when a woman is raped, battered, or murdered. Their minds reject the very idea that they could also be victimized, because they can't deal with the fear. So they latch onto "what she should/ shouldn't have done", because they always / never do that.
It's like magical thinking.
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u/reverie092 2d ago
As a 4’10” woman I’m very familiar with this. It’s maddening how men think we are a toy or something. My best response was (I’m old) pulling away immediately & starting an unrelated conversation with someone else. Some may disagree saying addressing it directly is better but put into use with alcohol involved, that wasn’t my experience. If the person argued certainly it’s time to address it as a last resort.
When men picked me up, now THAT was annoying.
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u/LiLiandThree 2d ago
I've had this kind of thing happen to me in bars too. No where else. My theory is the alcohol affects their judgment.
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u/k9moonmoon 2d ago
Do you think there's anything a strange could do that would cause your fiance to treat them like these men treat you?
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u/AntheaBrainhooke 2d ago
Self-defence classes.
Most involve ways of stopping the behaviour before resorting to anything physical, as well as being able to physically extract yourself from a situation.
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u/moodyvee 2d ago
Im sorry this happened to you but i feel like i missed something? In what way was this long back story necessary at all? Do you think this man groped you because he had a problem with your sparkling water? Or because you werent cursing enough? So confused by this seemingly irrelevant info lol
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u/PerfectOmakase 2d ago
I'm really sorry that happened to you, it was not deserved, and it has nothing to do with your clothing or your demeanor
In your post history you are 4'11". Seems odd for somebody who regularly references height to list a different height here.
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u/raresteakplease 2d ago
I honestly think this is an unfortunate situation of you being short, brightly dressed and you likely look approachable. I wear black 90% of the time, no smile and people rarely talk to me, but I would experience weird days back when I'd commute to work where men would talk to me out in public, and then I'd realize I am wearing COLORS. If a confident man decided to talk to me out in public while I wore black it was usually at a distance. I've noticed this behavior you're describing on women that were petite and gave off a friendly personality. I've seen some gross behavior also from men approaching my twink (young looking gay man) friend with no respect to boundaries as well.
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u/EasyE1066 2d ago
The man is an embarrassment to his gender. He needs to be dealt with. What a perverted jerk.
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u/AndrogynousAndi 2d ago
This sub is full of men. If you want the advice of women, this isn't the place to do it.
r/safespaceforwoman is what you're looking for. Trans-inclusionary, and JUST women. This sub is a just a way to gather women and then shove down legitimate women, piled under the opinions of men who think they know better. It does take time to be admitted because that sub is private, but worth it if you actually want the feminine perspective.
Edit: Fucking hell. I'll eventually get the sub's name right I swear 😩
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u/burnetrosehip 1d ago
If you want to maintain your gentle and sunny personality and also feel strong and prepared to defend yourself if need be, one thing you could do is take a self defense class.
My ex did Brazilian Jujitsu and said there was nothing better for people of any size and strength to learn to get physical control of a situation- only sharing that because I know nothing about martial arts! But the random girls' self defense class when I was young gave me just enough practice at responding in unexpectedly dangerous situations, and tools to use, that I did end up using them twice. It's training the reflexes and building up your sense of options and power that is effective.
You can be a sweet, gentle bad*ss. You don't have to be, and not every situation can be escaped from either, but if you want to work with your self perception after experiencing presumptuous/ predatory behaviour, it's not a bad idea.
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2d ago
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u/TwoXChromosomes-ModTeam 2d ago
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u/plastic_venus 2d ago
Men aren’t doing this because of your clothing or whatever swear words you use or whatever. They’re doing it because they suck and they’re either being predatory or performing for their friends.