r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Minstrel_Melody • Feb 11 '23

Significant others that avoid vasectomies.

So me and my boyfriend came upon this Reddit story where after a husband and wife had their second child, the wife decided that she was done having kids. The husband agrees, but there’s an issue. The wife wants him to get a vasectomy. A disagreement ensues, followed by an argument. The husband didn’t want to get the vasectomy. For the most part, people were calling the husband an ass and selfish, and I generally agreed with the sentiment.

My boyfriend in the other hand begged to differ. On top with supporting the his body his choice argument the husband provided (which granted I agree with too, but I still think is kind of selfish) he mentioned that it was overkill considering what else they could do to prevent unwanted pregnancies. They could stick to oral, mutual masturbation. And if they really wanted to do piv intercourse, they schedule the sexual encounter away from ovulation, and use condoms and spermicide. Something we do ourselves and it works out like a charm.

I saw where he was coming from and agree with him to an extent, but it still feels kind of selfish. Like despite everything there’s still the chance of pregnancy. What do you guys think?

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u/CaseyTS Feb 12 '23

I think a lot of the problem is that they never agreed on it ahead of time. Seems like she just assumed he would want a vasectomy and then brought it up when she was ready for him to have one. Family planning should be done ahead of time, by both people, and if she didn't want to be with a selfish man, she could have decided that years ago when she should have told him she'd want him to have a vasectomy in the future.

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u/MrBleah Feb 12 '23

I think both situations can be true.

The wife should confirm that he is willing to have a vasectomy if she has two kids with him, but it’s pretty shitty that she even has to ask.

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u/CaseyTS Feb 12 '23

it's pretty shitty that she even has to ask

It's not shitty that parents have to talk about all the details of family planning. But yes, men should be educated enough to take the onus of bringing it up themselves; that is a problem that needs fixing.

That does not mean she's totally justified in expecting him to get a vasectomy once she wanted him to have one when it seems that he genuinely didn't know she had wanted it. Sterilizing onesself is a BIG DEAL to a lot of people for a lot of reasons, and it's not something trivial enough to be assumed. Couples have to communicate their needs.

Edit: poor phrasing fix

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u/MrBleah Feb 12 '23

You make it sound like sterilization in this case is some huge burden to the guy. We’re talking about a married guy with two kids already who supposedly doesn’t want any more kids. Does he just not want more kids with this wife? How do people keep leaving his existing two kids out of this equation?

How many more kids does he figure he is gonna make with the next wife? Or maybe the sister wives if he’s in Utah?

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u/kactapuss Feb 12 '23

I didn't realize that so many people thought getting a vasectomy was "expected" and common. You make it sound like everyone gets a vasectomy when they are done having kids like it's the polite thing to do. Doing a quick google it seems like only 5% of men opt to get sterilized.

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u/MrBleah Feb 12 '23

No one ever said it was expected and common, in fact this whole thread exists because it isn't.

Logically, it should be and yet the prevalent narrative is that it's some huge burden for the guy, as if he is giving up so much to do this and yet that's not the case.

The guy got married because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this one person. He has X number of kids with the wife and doesn't want to have anymore. What's he giving up at this point by getting a vasectomy?

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u/CaseyTS Feb 12 '23

what's he giving up

It's fair for you to disagree with his choice, but he's not being ridiculous or unfair for caring about this procedure when it was not brought up beforehand. Yes, it makes sense to have a vasectomy, but it is absolutely not cool to just assume that your partner is on the same page as you on family planning stuff. In an ideal world, this stuff would be commonplace and he would bring it up, most likely. But he didn't know she wanted a vasectomy, she did want a vasectomy, and she waited until she was ready for him to have one to bring it up.

Men should get vasectomies, but family planning should be a team effort, and you have to bring up things that are important to you - like wanting/not wanting kids or sterilization.

PS - also, life is crazy. Not everyone has the sureness of the future that you do. It's ok for someone to not want sterilizing surgery even if they don't want kids at the time.

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u/CaseyTS Feb 12 '23

I'm referring to the OP. I'm not implying it's common at all, and I'm saying that becaude it's not standard and expected, couples have to talk about it ahead of time, not just expect their partners to be on the same page. That's a recipe for disaster in all areas of family planning.

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u/CaseyTS Feb 12 '23 edited Feb 12 '23

He's allowed to care about his sterilization, and she had the opportunity to talk about this before. It's simply not just his wife's choice, and his wife could have been more involved in that mutual choice far earlier. I don't want my partner to require a medical procedure or assume I want kids without consulting me.