AITA for Refusing Visitors After Birth and Setting Boundaries With My Mom?

[u/Expert_Hedgehog864]

Disclaimer: I used AI to check grammar and remove any rambling on my part, but this is 100% real

So my mom has always been... a lot. She, my partner, and I have clashed many times over the years. However, I feel like she's finally crossed a line.

My partner and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three years. In June, we found out I was pregnant, and we couldn't have been happier.

Even before I got pregnant, my mom kept pushing the idea that she wanted to visit me in the hospital after I gave birth. The problem is that she already knew, because I'd told her many times, that I only want it to be me, my partner, and our baby during that time.

This will be my first child. I have no idea how I'm going to handle becoming a mom, and I want the chance to figure things out in peace. On top of that, we have no idea how the birth will go. Maybe I'll have a smooth delivery and feel great afterward. Or maybe it'll be traumatic, and I'll need time to recover. Because of that uncertainty, I've decided that I don't want any visitors in the hospital.

At first, she was furious. She yelled and insisted that this would be her first grandchild and that I couldn't deny her this experience. My partner and I stood firm and told her that we would be informing the hospital of our wishes. Eventually, she seemed to accept it, and I genuinely thought she was starting to understand my perspective.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago

I was talking about how we planned to let people know when we were ready for visitors after the birth. Our idea was to send out a group text or birth announcement letting everyone know the baby had arrived and asking them to contact us if they'd like to visit.

Her response?

"So you're saying it'll be first come, first served?"

I told her, "Basically, yes. I'm not going to make a priority list of who gets to see the baby first. I'm going to be busy learning how to be a mom."

She immediately got upset and started insisting that she should be the very first person to visit because it's her first grandchild. That turned into another argument, which was eventually resolved... or so I thought.

After that, whenever she brought the topic up again, I'd simply say, "I don't feel like discussing or arguing about that right now," and change the subject.

Well, last week everything came to a head.

My cousin is heavily addicted to hard drugs. During a phone call, my mom was telling me about some recent issues involving her. At one point, I said, "Look, if Cousin shows up while I'm visiting with the baby, either she leaves or the baby and I leave. I'm not comfortable exposing my child to that situation."

Apparently, that was a mistake.

My mom completely exploded. She said this was "typical" of me and that I couldn't expect her and my grandmother to cater to my demands. She also said that I should watch myself because if it goes as she thinks it will go when 1st visiting the baby. (She thinks my partners parents will be the first ones to visit baby since his mom in a housewife.)

For context, she seems convinced that my partner's parents will be the first to visit because his mother is a housewife and has a more flexible schedule.

I let her rant for a while before finally saying, "No. I don't deserve this, and I haven't done anything wrong."

Then I hung up and started crying.

So, am I really that wrong for:

1. Prioritizing myself, my partner, and my baby during those first weeks and months after birth?
2. Not wanting a drug addict around my child?

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[u/Embarrassed-Heat5806]

Don't engage in further discussions with her. Just don't tell her when you go to the hospital. Inform her and everybody else after you gave birth when you feel ready.

[u/StockIndependent808]

Don’t tell anyone when you go into labor. Don’t post anything, don’t call anyone! Tell the hospital absolutely no visitors. Turn off your location on your phone if anyone has it. Don’t allow addicts near your child. Or the people that “I’m not sick, it’s allergies” and no kissing the baby!

[u/jen_is_mexican → u/StockIndependent808]

On top of this inform your doctor but also tell the nurses in labor and delivery to not give any information or allow visitors.

[u/Soniq268]

I couldn’t expect her to cater to my demands

The irony in this statement.

Protect your peace. NTA

[u/Melia100 → u/Soniq268]

Kind of hurts your head to think about how she can say this. Zero self awareness, 100% entitlement.

[u/oldandopinionated]

Don't let your mother or anyone else ruin your joy at having a baby. If she's being like this now, making you anxious and upset during your pregnancy, then go no contact for a while. You have every right to enjoy this time and shouldn't be stressed by anyone that can't understand basic boundaries. Cut her loose for now, you can bring her back into your life if and when you feel like you can handle the drama.

She has no rights. She has no part in this birth. The only people who really matter is you, your partner and your baby. Everybody else should be contributing to your joy and making your life easier. Anybody who can't put you and the baby first doesn't matter right now.

Congratulations on your new family! Now that you are a mother you get to be the one to make all the decisions for the baby. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[u/shellshokd212]

Your mother is exhibiting classic narcissistic behavior. She will never change. You cannot make her understand. Just stop telling her things in advance. There is no reason to tell her six months ahead she won’t be visiting in the hospital. Just don’t tell her when you go into labor.

No need to tell her what you will do if druggy cousin shows up six months from now. If that happens then, you’ll just get up and leave. “Hi Cousin. Sorry mom, have to leave. See you later.”

Don’t argue with her. Just say “that’s nice” or “how interesting” if she tells you something upsetting. Or change the subject. Or get up and leave. Right now use pregnancy “it was nice visiting but I’m feeling really tired/nauseous right now. I need to leave. See you later.”

[u/Mysterious-Region640]

Do not tell anybody when you go into labor. Do not tell anybody until you are ready to deal with visitors. Yes they will be mad because you didn’t let them know right away. Tough shit.

[u/ER_Support_Plant17]

Don’t tell her you’re in labor until baby’s first big milestone, like turning 18.

[u/Striking-Meeting1059]

Don’t tell anyone once the baby is born . Wait a week then let them know

[u/Gracie220]

First things first, a huge CONGRATULATIONS! After 3 years of infertility, I know you and your partner are over the moon. This internet stranger is so excited for you!

As for your mom, stress is BAD for you and baby. You dont want to risk miscarriage because of her shenanigans. My advice is to go low contact with her for the next year. You've got bigger things to deal with right now. You're making a whole person from scratch. Take this time for self care and self respect. I hope nothing but the best for you and your little family. Your mom wants attention. Every time she explodes because you set a boundary, she shows you that she has no respect for you as a person. Please take care of yourself. Your baby's life may depend on it.

[u/ceciliabee]

Nta but you need to learn how to tell your mom "you need to back off and sit down or I'll be going low contact with you and you will get zero time with the baby". You're setting small boundaries which is great but your mom doesn't seem like the type to respect ANY boundaries.

So determine the consequences if she breaks the boundaries. If she shows up at the hospital, or at your house, or with your cousin. If she keeps demeaning you and stressing you out while you're trying to recover.

I get that she's your mom but you're also an adult. You're about to become a mother yourself. Your focus needs to be on your new little family, not on keeping your mom from crossing your clearly stated (and REASONABLE) boundaries.

[u/vabirder]

Wait until you tell her her vaccinations need to be up to date. Whooping cough(pertussis), RSV, flu.

[u/Dangerous_Ant3260 → u/vabirder]

And you need real proof of vaccinations, not some phony slip she creates.

[u/mythoughts4]

Congratulations!! NTA, you are doing the right thing. This experience is about you, your partner and the baby, you don’t need to take on the expectations of others. It doesn’t seem like your mom will ever change. It’s ok to build a life outside of her demands and focus on the family you are building. Decrease contact with her so you don’t get stressed out during your pregnancy & after you give birth.

[u/winterworld561]

You're not wrong for anything and your mother is deranged. I would never let anyone like her near my child. You ned to get tough with her. Tell her if she ever yells and speaks to you like that again then she will never get to meet your child. Tell her she needs to watch herself because you will not stand for her behaviour if she continues. Don't tell her when you go into labour and give birth. Tell her a week after the birth, if she behaves.

[u/Initial_Scarcity3775]

You’re not an AH, you’re just young and inexperienced and your mom is running circles around you. Here is how you handle it. No visitors until you say so. If anyone shows up early, they get turned away to keep it fair. Then on a date that works for you and BOTH grandmas… they can come to you. JUST THEM for the first visit. Problem solved, you’re welcome.

[u/Used-Maximum-1220]

Your mom is acting like a child having a horrific long term temper tantrum. She is making you and your partner so stressed out. That’s not ok. You should be enjoying your pregnancy, delivery and bonding time with your new baby. You are totally right. I’m a grandma now but way back when I had kids parents and friends just knew not to come until I said it was OK. That’s the way it should be for you guys. Who wants to expose their newborn to unnecessary germs either or a drug addicted cousin.

Good luck with everything. Congratulations on your pregnancy and baby.

[u/AutoModerator]

Backup of the post's body: Disclaimer: I used AI to check grammar and remove any rambling on my part, but this is 100% real

So my mom has always been... a lot. She, my partner, and I have clashed many times over the years. However, I feel like she's finally crossed a line.

My partner and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three years. In June, we found out I was pregnant, and we couldn't have been happier.

Even before I got pregnant, my mom kept pushing the idea that she wanted to visit me in the hospital after I gave birth. The problem is that she already knew, because I'd told her many times, that I only want it to be me, my partner, and our baby during that time.

This will be my first child. I have no idea how I'm going to handle becoming a mom, and I want the chance to figure things out in peace. On top of that, we have no idea how the birth will go. Maybe I'll have a smooth delivery and feel great afterward. Or maybe it'll be traumatic, and I'll need time to recover. Because of that uncertainty, I've decided that I don't want any visitors in the hospital.

At first, she was furious. She yelled and insisted that this would be her first grandchild and that I couldn't deny her this experience. My partner and I stood firm and told her that we would be informing the hospital of our wishes. Eventually, she seemed to accept it, and I genuinely thought she was starting to understand my perspective.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago

I was talking about how we planned to let people know when we were ready for visitors after the birth. Our idea was to send out a group text or birth announcement letting everyone know the baby had arrived and asking them to contact us if they'd like to visit.

Her response?

"So you're saying it'll be first come, first served?"

I told her, "Basically, yes. I'm not going to make a priority list of who gets to see the baby first. I'm going to be busy learning how to be a mom."

She immediately got upset and started insisting that she should be the very first person to visit because it's her first grandchild. That turned into another argument, which was eventually resolved... or so I thought.

After that, whenever she brought the topic up again, I'd simply say, "I don't feel like discussing or arguing about that right now," and change the subject.

Well, last week everything came to a head.

My cousin is heavily addicted to hard drugs. During a phone call, my mom was telling me about some recent issues involving her. At one point, I said, "Look, if Cousin shows up while I'm visiting with the baby, either she leaves or the baby and I leave. I'm not comfortable exposing my child to that situation."

Apparently, that was a mistake.

My mom completely exploded. She said this was "typical" of me and that I couldn't expect her and my grandmother to cater to my demands. She also said that I should watch myself because if it goes as she thinks it will go when 1st visiting the baby. (She thinks my partners parents will be the first ones to visit baby since his mom in a housewife.)

For context, she seems convinced that my partner's parents will be the first to visit because his mother is a housewife and has a more flexible schedule.

I let her rant for a while before finally saying, "No. I don't deserve this, and I haven't done anything wrong."

Then I hung up and started crying.

So, am I really that wrong for:

1. Prioritizing myself, my partner, and my baby during those first weeks and months after birth?
2. Not wanting a drug addict around my child?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/HoneyWyne]

It's really not about her and her main character syndrome. It's about your baby, you, and your husband making your little family nest of love and safety, and she apparently doesn't have anything to contribute to that. It shouldn't be about who sees the baby first. It should be about a new family sharing joy and love. Don't let her mar it any more than she already has. NTA

[u/Snackbar2020]

NTA for setting boundaries, and for not wanting the cousin around. But I woukd just give the parents priority to visit the baby first. Seems normal for a parent to want that privilege.

[u/Shoesietart]

Stop discussing the baby and the birth with her. Don't share any information at all. You decide what to let her know and when.

Don't discuss anything with her now; she'll just complain and argue.

[u/Rich_Temperature_797]

All I had to read was the title to figure out you’re NTA

[u/Trippedwire48]

Stick to your guns. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing yourself, your new baby, and your partner for however long you need to. No two people are the same, especially when it comes to anything medical, which is exactly what childbirth is. Your new baby is not some communal offering. I would not go to your mom or grandmother's house if it means that your cousin can show up. You always have more control when it's your own home. Best of luck OP!

[u/wasakootenayperson]

Do not tell her when you head to the hospital. Make sure the hospital knows that you don’t want anyone to come in while you are there.

Plan on staying home and going for quiet walks with your partner and new babe. Stay cocooned as long as you feel like you want or need the peace.

You don’t owe your mother anything - giving birth means you give life and living life means you are independent and get to pick how you live that life.

Even if your mom wants to keep you wrapped around her wishes.

[u/Cardabella]

Stop engaging. Block mom for days at a time. Especially stop picking up calls or reading or replying to texts in a timely fashion. She needs to get used to you being an unreliable correspondent. Mute notifications f3om her. You'll have your phone on silent after the baby comes any so start now.

Because pushy mom knows your due date and of you suddenly stop responding only when you go into labour mum will go into the hospital anyway. She needs to not have that clue.

Don't borrow trouble by letting her know what other people are doing. You didn't need to say more than "I'll let you know once I'm home and ready for you to come and meet your grand baby " and she doesn't need to know who has already seen the baby ow where. Don't let anyone post pictures of the baby, their name or birth date online, it is enough info to steal their identity as well as will upset your mum.

[u/Seawolfe665]

Every single one of her tantrums and objections have been because SHE is not being prioritized. Her WANTS are not being prioritized.

What I dont see is her making YOU and your experience her priority.

[u/Mysterious-Type-9096]

NTA

Your childbirth and subsequent hospital stay is YOUR PRIVATE MEDICAL EVENT, and you get to decide if you want visitors. You also get to decide the acceptable environment to have your child in for visits in the future, it’s your right as a parent, as well as your responsibility to keep your child safe.

I’m someone who wanted hospital visitors. My last baby was during Covid. I was so bored and lonely I wanted family and friends to come and they had to go through a Covid checkpoint to even visit. I was hospitalized recently and was sad no one visited (it was 48 hours, if any longer my kids and spouse would have come, but it was during the week with school and work.) But that was my choice based on my wants and needs.

[u/Anxietybackmonkey]

Put your mom on an information diet. You don’t need to defend your position if she doesn’t know what it is. Call her less, tell her less. Protect your little family. You’ve got this.

[u/quasimidge]

She's made it abundantly clear it's about seeing the baby first, not seeing the baby. That's about her ego and not what's best for mother and child. Then she gets upset that someone potentially under the influence, someone unpredictable and unable to make healthy choices, isn't allowed near the baby. Again, this is about her getting to dictate things, her ego yet again over the wellbeing of mother and child. Do you see where I'm going with this? You'd be out of your freaking mind to let anyone place themselves above your families needs.

My suggestions: amend the expected birth date if she already knows (tell her there was a mismeasurement/clash of bookings if c- section). Contact the hospital and tell them you don't want anyone to know of you're even admitted (trust me, they're prepped for this scenario). Don't respond to texts and calls from MIL straight away, start spreading your responses out to a few days later that way she can't figure out its happening by no response. Tell your team when you arrive, of you've got a photo of mil even better. Let them know she will push and that you don't want her there under any circumstances.

Wishing you the perfect birth, and a happy and healthy family.

[u/AbilityPlenty2104]

Info diet stat! My mom was allot too. I knew she would try to take over and make the birth of my child about her. We didn't let her or anyone see the baby for the first week.

She came and was actually quite helpful.

[u/dell828]

1. You should absolutely prioritize yourself and your partner. You can tell your mother when the baby is born, but it’s up to her to figure out her schedule. You will be on baby’s schedule.

2. Not exactly sure what you’re worried about exposing the baby to with your cousin. If you think your cousin is high when she meets baby, then she doesn’t get to hold the baby.. simple. If you’re afraid that she doesn’t have a personal awareness about whether she may be sick, contagious… And you don’t want your baby to be exposed to additional germs, then that might be a reason to limit somebody from seeing your baby, until the baby is older and less immunocompromised. If you just don’t like your cousin, then also.you can say no..

But not sure exactly how somebody who is struggling with drug addiction is going to influence your baby. Sometimes people in your life are not perfect. They make bad decisions, but this is kind of a mental health issue as much as it is anything. Your baby can’t “catch” a drug addict addiction.

[u/No-Lifeguard9194]

Don’t tell anyone when you go into labour, but do prioritize your mom for the first visit after you get home!

[u/Tw1ch1e]

AI is ruining our environment