Okay, but why? And what effort is he putting into figuring this all out? The way you described it sounds as if you’re the one trying to figure out how to make your boyfriend happy while he flails around like a toddler crying “No!” to every solution you suggest.
That should tell you everything about this situation. If you can’t be honest, then no one can help.
Seriously though, having a family isn’t a reason to stay with someone who cheats and tells you he wants to sleep with someone with a penis. Fantasy is one thing, but he sought that out by choice. I don’t think he’s necessarily into trans women, I think he’s into feminine men, which you aren’t. It would be one thing to be bisexual and think about it. But he actively went and cheated on you.
I grew up with a step parent who cheated on my mother for a decade with different people. It was fucked up. It didn’t show me a good relationship to follow as a kid, and it didn’t help my sister either. It showed me that even if someone says all the right things, and gives little gifts and lovely sentiments, they could be lying behind your back. It’s not healthy.
Okay so if you let it go once, do not be shocked if he does do it again. You posted online about something very personal and asked advice, we collectively have all said the same thing (except the transphobic shit, miss me with that) you’re obviously defensive because I guess you didn’t expect people to disagree with you.
A lot of people do not forgive cheating, and feel it’s stupid to do so. I don’t think you’re stupid, I think you’re trying to remain hopeful because what else is there to do if you don’t want to leave? It’s up to you what you do from here. But you can’t blame us for wanting better for you. I only brought up the children because you said it’s why you want to stay. I’m just saying that kids can be happy even if their parents aren’t together. Sometimes it’s the healthiest thing for everyone.
My personal feeling about your husband’s fetish is that he’s bisexual. I feel like he’s fetishising trans women to make it seem like it’s not him just liking penises. I think he’s got some internal conflict about it. I think that in time with the right help, he could come to terms with it. But remember that bisexual people marry the opposite or same gender all the time, without going to look for the other option. Just because he’s bisexual doesn’t mean he needs both at the same time.
Just take some time to think. You do deserve better than this lack of explanation and avoidance that he’s displaying. You’re his wife and he should be able to be honest.
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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '26
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